BlackLOG

Having difficulty letting go of 2011

2012-01-23T12:35:00.003Z

Apologies for the tardy start to the BlackLOG 2012, it seems to have been a struggle to find the time or the inclination but I’ve dragged myself back into cyberspace with my first proper blog for 2012....

So, hello 2012. I’m starting with a bit of a catch-up, which unfortunately takes me back to 2011 –

Sorry, I’m clearly having difficulty letting go of 2011 –

What can I say? It was a good year –

However I can promise it is only a brief trip while I fill in some background and then it will be into the current year....(Unless you are reading this from the future, in which case where have you been? P.S. if you have any tips on what happened in 2012 it would be much appreciated. If you could leave these in the comments section, I promise to use them exclusively for betting purposes and then dedicate the winnings to living a more interesting life, which will then be reported in the BlackLOG..... )

Whistler

It was off to Whistler for New Year – now at this point regular readers will already have it in mind that the next few paragraphs will offer a sad tale of airport mix ups, luggage problems and general travel chaos....

I’m sorry to have to report that nothing could be further from the truth, so anyone who enjoys seeing high levels of suffering in the BlackLOG should probably leave now and come back another time...

The story starts on the internet, at the beginning of December, when Mrs B found BA Business Class flights to Vancouver for only £100 more than ~~cattle class~~ sorry I mean economy class tickets. With the snow levels in Europe running on empty at the time we jumped at the chance.

Business class travel

The problem with getting cheap Business class flights is you can get used to them – to put things in perspective Mrs B checked on the flight prices a couple of week later and discovered that our seats would cost an additional £4,000 each .....so I guess we won’t be getting Business class flights very often...

So what do you get once you step out of DVT* class?

Treated with respect, almost deference, from the moment you check in – they clearly don’t know how much you paid for your seat, we felt a bit fraudulent and expected someone to flag us up and march us back into economy....
Extra luggage allowance that not even The Beast could break through.
Proper plates and cutlery and better quality food on the plane.
A seat that turns into a bed
A bigger screen for watching films
The chance to sit up in the bubble on a Jumbo Jet.
The opportunity to take off sitting backwards
Access to the Lounge at the airport where complimentary food and drink is provided.
Priority unload ticket on your luggage – although the ticket was the only thing that said “priority” about the experience. If anything, our luggage came out after everyone else’s – maybe I missed the wording that said “Priority - left till last because you haven’t paid full price for your ticket.....”

What I don’t get is what you could possibly get travelling First class, which makes it twice the price of Business Class . The only thing that I can think of is that you are paying for privacy so the great and the good don’t have to mix with us, the great unwashed...

* DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis - Even the dodgiest of supermarkets would be hard pushed to pass off economy passengers as free range.... The thing to remember with DVT is that just a few precautions can help reduce the risk. These include :-

Earn loads of money so you don’t have to travel in the chicken coop at the back of the plane...
Get someone else to pay for your business class ticket....
Learn to look like someone famous and wait for an upgrade....
Always go to the airport on stilts and complain about the lack of legroom....

Kindness of friends

We had booked a car, as we were landing late and then having to get back to Vancouver airport for an early flight on the way home, so the bus from Vancouver was not really an option.....

We phoned our friend Mitch, who lives in Vancouver and told him we were going to be out in Whistler and if he wanted to join us for a few days he was welcome to crash on our sofa.....

He asked us how we were getting out to Whistler and we told him we had booked a car – Cancel it he said I can pick you up, spend a couple of days skiing with you and then pick you up and drop you off at the airport – we tried to tell him it was going to be late getting into Whistler on New Year’s Eve and an early start (4am) the following week to get back to Vancouver. He insisted on being our chauffeur, how cool is that ...? Thanks Mitch. That really is taking friendship above and beyond the call of duty....

It had been a while since we had skied at Whistler, they were still bidding for the 2010 Olympics last time we were there, so that was probably about 2006. We had been worried that it would be ruined by the Olympic building development so had avoided it. TIn the event the only change we could see was the new Peak to Peak Gondola that was installed for the Olympics...

I don’t really get it. Whistler has two huge mountains that each have more than enough skiing for a week let alone half a day.... We did make the trip across, waiting for the glass bottom gondola, which gave some great photo opportunities but struck me, at a cost of around CDN$51 million as quite expensive for a few of my holiday snaps.....

CDN$51 million seems a lot to pay for a photo opportunity

Three falls but no submissions

I almost managed to have my first fall-free ski holiday, with just the one when I fell while avoiding a small child who skied in front of me– I had been feeling guilty as the day before I had gone to spray Mitch who raised his skis and forced me to jump sideways, tapping the back of some poor girls skis, sending her spinning to the ground. I had just about recovered without falling myself and had gone back to apologise and help her pick herself up. Even I felt I couldn’t have two collisions in two days, which incidentally was my first collision in about 26 years. I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m a serial collider......

Mrs B admitted to 2 ½ falls, although I think there might have been a few more and I’m waiting for the publication of her official fall audit. I only witnessed 1 ½ of her falls which was the dramatic collapse in a lift queue and I’m guessing the half was when she was walking back to her skis after lunch and started to topple – a small passing child proved a god send, as Mrs B lost her footing and managed to push down on the child’s head as she toppled forward. While Mrs B rose back up the small child got pushed gently into the snow....with the recent snow fall it’s probably still stuck there......

Much as I love Canada I do have a few problems with you

Now don’t get me wrong I like Canada but I have a few issues with :-

your Bacon - which appears to be 100% fat with a little pink stripe painted on the side – F.Y.I. that’s not bacon that’s fat....
your Food being so sweet. How much sugar do you add to your products? I suspect even your sugar content is 200% sugar....
Taking everything said to you so literally. I was out for a coffee with Mitch one evening and we were chatting to the Barrista who was very excited that she had served someone famous earlier in the day.

Barrista – “I served Sam Neill today - you know, the star of Jurassic Park”

Me – “I would have been more impressed if you had served one of the Velociraptors”

Barrister – “They don’t drink coffee do they?”

Me – “Do bears shit in the woods?”

Barrister – “Don’t mention bears I’m frightened of them”

Me – “No need to worry....” pointing at Mitch, in his Sheepskin flying jacket, “My friend Mitch kills and skins bears for a living...”

Barrista – “Gosh, that’s a real bearskin coat” she said admiring Mitch’s Sheepskin coat....

Me – “No it’s a Velociraptor coat, they were out of bears”

Barrista – “Wow....are they expensive????”

I decided to leave the conversation at that point before I confused her any more. Just as well I hadn’t told her that Mitch killed and skinned Sam Neill’s for a living.....

Being me though I didn’t stop there.....................

I was moving across to a water fountain in one of the ski Lodges when a Canadian lady shoved passed me

Me - “After you” I said in my best polite English voice....

Canadian Skier – “Thank you” she said taking a gulp

Me – “No Problem, I always like to get people to test my food and drink before I partake, in case it has been poisoned”

I thought she was going to spit the water out as she glared at me and stomped off again...

I guess no matter how much I like Canada I would never be able to live there permanently – Mitch had tried to warn me that many Canadians take everything said as factual and my sense of humour would get me into a lot of trouble – I would almost certainly have to carry a sign saying “Only joking....”

Blogger Comment problems

Is it me or is anyone else having problems with Blogger comments – I had to change my blog comments from embedded to pop-up window as the embedded version keeps freezing. I’m also getting this when I try and comment on some other peoples’ Blogger pages – most frustrating or possibly relieving for some of the blogger accounts I tried to comment on.

I tried using the updated blogger interface but that freezes as well....Hmmm do I need to think about changing home to Wordpress or another alternative???

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 3 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

FRANCK MULLER CASABLANCA 5850

Xupes price

£5,995.00

This is your chance to acquire an excellent condition mens Franck Muller Casablanca 5850 Large SS automatic watch on black crocodile leather strap with stainless steel black tang buckle. This is the mens large size measuring 31.5mm by 38.8mm. The dial is mocha. This watch is stamped special on the reverse engraved with the Kuwait Royal Family Crest for whom the watch was manufactured in a very limited run of around 10 pieces. The watch is complete with original boxes & guarantee stamped and dated 24th December 2003. You are very unlikely to see another like this - Certainly a collectors piece for the future.

Record of the week

Letting Go by Wings - I probably need to take note of this bit of advice from Mr McCartney

Sweets For My Sweet by The Searchers - Yes Canada and USA, you appear to have a very sweet tooth

Photo Finish
A Beast Eye view of Whistler

Tappan village restaurant,
as our chef laughs in the face of that
age old advice not to play with
the food..

Whistlers Ski hosts, like an interactive piste map...

Christmas lights in the lower village....
if you look closely you can just see
the Velociraptor skin coat in
the foreground....

Looks Like Mrs B either needs to

either use Head and Shoulders or

wear light coloured clothes.....

At the top of one of the chairlifts we ran into

this little Ptarmigan. It literally shat itself,

when I whipped out The Beast. That's not
subtle shading but a genuine Ptarmigan log...

The Olmpic rings, a reminder of 2010

More views from the Peak to Peak Gondola

A skier demonstrating pants skiing of the

highest order....I bet he’s glad he didn’t

sew his name tag onto his underwear

and so can remain in relative obscurity.

As a skier I always like to take every opportunity

that I can to grab the moral high ground from

those pesky boarders.....

Tune in next time for the joys of a kitchen makeover, after I foolishly allowed Mrs B to get a red coffee machine.....

If a picture paints a thousand words....

2012-01-13T21:29:00.002Z

If a picture paints a thousand words....you guys are in trouble, prepare yourself for a pictorial War and Peace, as The Beast takes you through some of the highlights of BlackLOG 2011. It’s odd but it has taken longer to put this together than a normal BlackLOG, so apologies that we are halfway through 2012..

McG -

We start with McG, given a death sentence by our ex vet
(can you guess why) in January last year but still going strong
thanks to a change in diet and a lot of love and understanding
(he was having a few accidents - cured by taking any
stress out of his life).

Skiing - Val d'Isere March-April

Joe gets featured because he looks like he can ski
It's all smoke and mirrors

Wales - June

Alfie - Kirsty and Joe's dog who joined us in Wales...

The running man - waterfall shot....

Spotted fly catcher

Red Kite

Mischief

Mischief - who often gets over overshadowed by McG

V-Festival - Chelmsford

Another great year and already booked up for 2012, before Mrs B changes her mind....

Noisettes
"Don't upset The Rhythm"

Not so much a case of “Where's Wally?” – as
“Where isn’t there a Wally?”

Eliza Doolittle
"Skinny Genes"

Hard-Fi
"Tied Up Too Tight"

The most asked questions when people see The Beast

Are you famous?
can you take our picture?

Safari South Africa

Can't a girl have some privacy when she goes into the bush...

“I blow raspberries in your general direction....”

This Lion taunter knows how to give some stick

Pack your trunks guys - it's holiday time again....

In case you didn't notice I like to
capture birds in flight...

I don't think I'm too bad at it....

Mauritius
Technically the same holiday as the safari

Red sails in the Sunset

Mauritius seems to specialise in Sunsets....

Told you I liked trying to capture birds in flight...

My first photo pass - Love and Money
One more high in a year full of highs....

So that's how you play one handed guitar...

James Grant - "Walk the Last Mile"

And ending as we started with McG
lets hope we can get him through 2012...

The photos probably don't even come close to doing justice to 2011 but I'm sure you have already started to get bored, I can see some of you fidgeting and checking your watches....

Favourite film of last year - My week with Marilyn

Favourite album - probably Velociraptor by Kasabian

Next week catch up with us in Canada for our New Year Ski trip to Whistler

A change of lifestyle and the secret of Blog success

2012-01-02T09:35:00.000Z

Nespresso – not so much a case of you changing your coffee but buying into a whole new lifestyle

After months of badgering Mrs B finally wore me down and convinced me that we needed a Nespresso machine in our lives (Is this revenge for filling her living room with a large TV and for covering her new Dining room table with a full size air-hockey table*) Not just any Nespresso machine but a fire engine-red Nespresso machine. Now with my purchases it tends to end there. With a Mrs B purchase, however, it often means just the start.

The next thing I know the kitchen floor is apparently in a fight to the death with the Nespresso machine i.e. according to Mrs B they are clashing....which means the new floor is bound to clash with the cupboards which will in turn clash with the walls.... Who could have predicted that agreeing to a new coffee machine would result in a totally new kitchen....? It’s clear I’m going to have to review Mrs B’s requests more carefully in the future....

Change of toilet paper = A new Bathroom
New coat hangers = a whole new range of clothes
New light switch in the garage = A new car
New light bulbs = A new house

* In my defence it was her Christmas present from a few years back, after I noticed how excited Mrs B got whenever she got to play Air hockey ... Apparently that is still the case..... just away from home and not in the dining room....Doh!

I have been fighting back, however, and while Mrs B has been planning changes to the house I’ve concentrated on completing the Nespresso lifestyle collection

In the Nespresso range you can get:-

16 varieties of coffee (+ special limited** edition flavours)
A Coffee Frother
Matching sugar sachets (same sugar different coloured packets)
Mugs (Oh yes they can match the colour )
Glasses (for seeing the layers in your coffee)
Trays
Sugar bowls
Ice Crushers (always been a fan of Iced coffee)
Coffee capsule dispensers – many varieties with one thing in common – all expensive
3D coffee (kidding, but if they thought they could get away with it I’m sure they would)
Biscuits
Chocolates
Sugared almonds
Chocolates

You can keep your traditional Japanese Tea ritual. Welcome to the BlackLOG coffee rite.....I wonder if I can export it to Japan when we drop in next year?

** So limited you can’t actually get them – making getting Olympic tickets look like collecting pebbles on Brighton beach

Nespresso even have recycling but, much to the amusement of our friend Penny, I don’t seem to have got my head around it. The principle is that you can hand back your used coffee pods for recycling when you receive your next coffee order. I pointed out to Penny that I’m never there when they deliver my coffee...........

Penny – “Just leave the recycling bag outside.”

Me – “But I never know what day they are going to deliver.”

Penny – laughing “It’s not like any one is going to steal them!”

Me – “Doh!”

Just another sign that I’m definitely losing touch with reality in this ever-processed world in which we live in

Sometimes I can’t see the Wood for the trees........Mrs B wanted some lime juice. I was going to the supermarket so added it to the list - none in Waitrose, none in Sainsbury’s and when I struck out at Tesco’s I called Mrs B:

Me – “Bad news - loads of lemon juice but it’s as if Lime juice never existed.”

Mrs B – “What about fresh limes? We can squeeze them.”

Me – Dumb struck – Doh! now why didn’t I think of that.....?

Mrs B is not exempt from not always thinking through

I was drinking my second Milky coffee of the day – As I’m not into product placement I won’t name the brand but I figure that you can probably guess......

Mrs B – “You know too much milk and caffeine is not good for you”

Me – “It’s decaffeinated coffee and semi-skimmed milk.... ”

Mrs B – “I just worry about you”

Me – Glancing over at Mrs B’s rather large glass of milk .... “You gotta be kidding me?”

Mrs B - “Hmm, I suppose I could have timed that better...”

I’m so going to hell

I’ve always known that I’m not great with children (even when I was one – I think I might have hated myself). A couple of weeks ago (true story) I managed to hit a low point even for me.

I was in the queue for lunch at work when two people came up behind me and started pestering me to donate for a children’s charity.

I told them I was not a fan of children and turned to face them, only they weren’t at eye level – they were at considerably lower than eye level. I looked down to see two school uniforms....
“I’m not kidding” I said and then I caught the eye of their disapproving teacher, who was about 4 feet away .

“I always find honesty is the best policy” as I carried on digging while trying to surreptitiously hide the name on my work pass. So that’s me going to hell then and knowing my luck it’s going to be full of damned kids.

Shed Seven
It was off to Shepherds Bush with my friend Robert to see Shed Seven for the last gig of the year - yet another 80’s band – I never realised I was getting so retro

OMD
Aztec Camera
Love and Money
Duran Duran

If 80’s Rewind didn’t clash with the V-festival I might go to that....No hang on a second Rick Astley play there.....I’ve got some pride....

The secret of Blog success
I’ve been given the key to the door on how to make my lame old blog go stellar. Only I can’t use it.....

ryoko861 kindly showed me the way but with all good things in life it generally involves a catch and in this case the catch is you have to open a Twitter account (I feel unclean just typing those words)– ryoko861 assured me that I wouldn’t have to actually tweet anything but I would have to have an account that makes me feel dirty (and I don’t mean in a good way) just typing the name.

I’m afraid I view twitter (excuse me while I just purge my lunch) in the same low regard as I hold cigarettes – If someone told me they would give me a million pounds if I would just buy a packet of cigarettes (I wouldn’t even have to smoke one) I would still have to decline. You may call me stupid but I have certain principles – OK I’m no saint but I have been cursed/blessed (you decide) with a gritty determination – How else do you think I managed to give up alcohol a week before my 18th Birthday and have not return to it 28 years? My feeling about buying those cigarettes are that I would be supporting something that I despise – an industry that happily purveys death. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming that twittering (excuse me while I just go and have a shower) will cause cancer (I’m still waiting for the results of the study I commissioned before I make that claim) and perhaps I’m missing the point of twitter but then again I feel millions of other people twittering (mind the pavement pizza – I’ll clear that up later) their nonsense about nothing in particular have as well .

Maybe I’m a hypocrite, as I type out my nonsense in far too many words than is fair on any passing reader - I can’t even put a finger on why I have such an aversion to Twitter (is that diced carrots? I’ve not had carrots in 35 years) except maybe the whole abridged thing - or perhaps I just realise that any fans of twitter (no, nothing left now. Just retching air and my innards....) are never going to get passed my first sentence let alone into the meat of my overblown subjects...

For those of you who want to boost your readership contact ryoko861.

Ryoko861 - “If you sign up for Triberr.com (I have to give you a membership code AND you have to have a Twitter account-you don't have to tweet anything) it'll help bring people to your site. What you do is once you're all set up and signed in (it's not hard-if I can do it anyone can) join a tribe that shares the same interests as your blog. (yeah, a tribe and you even get to inbreed-I know, it's bizarre). For example, your blog is humorous, so you find a tribe that is looking for humorous blogs or maybe even a tribe that has all UK members in it. You can even leave a post that you're looking for a tribe to join. THEN...when you join a tribe, any followers you have on Twitter are added to that Tribes member's twitter followers count. When you post a blog post, it will automatically send a twitter post to twitter through all the members of the tribe's twitter accounts. SO if there's 15 members in the tribe, it will go out on all 15 accounts PLUS all their followers will see it! Understand? The secret is out!”

Is it just me or does that sound like pyramid blogging?

P.S. ryoko861 - Sorry if I sound ungrateful – you weren’t to know I have a mental allergy to all things Twitter (God is that one of my lungs and part of my intestine?) It was a kindly gesture and if you can find a way of doing it without me having to sell my soul to the devil and projectile vomit I’ll promise that I will be the first in line.

Happy New Year everyone - see you next time for a BlackLOG review of 2011

Record of the week

Another Cup Of Coffee - Paul Carrack - Just make sure you don't have too much Milk otherwise Mrs B will be on your case

Going For Gold - Shed Seven

Chasing Rainbows - Shed Seven

Photo Finish
Photo's this week are by Mega Mini Beast - The Beast a.k.a. Mr Snappy is having a holiday

Danger - purchase of one of these machines might
set you back as much as the cost of a new kitchen....

Rick Witter - Shed Seven
Going for Gold

Chasing Rainbows

Flight or fight

2011-12-19T23:16:00.003Z

Thanks Airmiles. Now you have become Avios you have almost single handedly managed to force us to fly to Japan....

I probably owe you a bit of an explanation on this one as it is a bit left field, even for me.

So let me attempt to explain.....Under the airmiles scheme (which we have been collecting miles for the last 20 years) you could book flights which included all costs including fuel surcharge, stepping on the cracks in the airport tax, looking the wrong way at the check in staff fines etc..... Under the replacement Avios scheme, we now have the wonderful opportunity to pay for everything except the flight itself – which these days does not seem to include the fuel for the flight, the crews’ wages, or the little snacks. I did a bit of off-the-cuff maths and have worked out the actual flight bit seems to cost about £1.28 to any destination.....

Avios gave about a months’ notice that the old scheme was ending and a new improved (well, certainly improved for them if not us users) where you get a free £1.28 flight to anywhere in the world and pay twice the amount of taxes, fuel duty and cabin staff wages for the privilege. They gave a deadline of 8pm on December 15^th to use miles under the old scheme i.e. not paying a 225% tax rate.

The tight booking deadline made finding a holiday slot a heck of a challenge as I’ve got my London Ambassador commitment which takes out the majority of the year through to the end of September. Then there is Mrs B who seems to have black out Holiday periods in 56 weeks of the year. We managed to nail it down to a two-week period by doubling up some of Mrs B’s Holiday Blackout periods.

So I was now juggling a short window of holiday opportunity with a rapidly narrowing porthole of booking possibility, 6 hours and counting..... and when I opened the Avios web site I discovered a rather horrendous, slow and cumbersome interface. Deep joy. I also had the knowledge that in order to book under the old scheme I had to find the flights and then ring through to Avios....

After an age of wrestling with the site I discovered I could get:

One of us to Cape Town

Or one of us to Rio
Half of one of us to Sydney (possibly a quarter of each of us)

Or both of us to Tokyo....

I called Mrs B with the news

Mrs B – “I don’t fancy Japan, it’s never been on my list of destinations....Can I get back to you - I’ve got meetings all afternoon.”

I felt a bit deflated....

Oh well, I thought to myself, I’d better find some information to sell Japan to Mrs B.

I discovered that the weather was probably at its best during our window of opportunity – Tick

I then looked up top things to do in Japan...

The number one thing apparently is....Sleep on the floor

(hang on a second I can do that at home and to be honest if I try and sell the holiday on that to Mrs B I’ll probably get the opportunity rather sooner)

The number two thing....Eat fish for breakfast

(Gulp – Mrs B hates sushi...)

The Number three thing.....Take a communal Bath

(I can imagine how well that would go down)

The number four thing.....Sit on the toilet

(Apparently the seats in public toilets are warm – frankly that’s not even selling it to me – it’s not unknown to find warm seats in UK public toilets but I wouldn’t sit on one with yours yet alone mine)

The 5^th thing....Ride a bullet train

(I was the only one getting a bullet if I tried to sell Japan to Mrs B on this....)

Looked like I was on my own....so when Mrs B came out of her meeting:

Me – "How do you fancy flying business class to Japan...I might even be able to get us into First?"

Mrs B – “I’m really not sure”

Me – “We use them or lose them”

Mrs B - “Go on then...”

It was 6:15pm and I had an hour and 45mins to get the flights. No sweat.....

An hour and a half later I was still waiting in a phone queue – but it was alright because when I called up I was assured the waiting time was around 20 minutes....Oh well – I tried.

Just as I was about to call it a day.....

Avios booking agent - “Hello can I help you?”

Me - “Oh, yes.... I would like to book two first class flights to Japan please under the existing Airmiles scheme ”

Avios booking agent -“Just a moment while I check the details.”

I hear Keyboard tapping noises

Avios booking agent -
“Computer says no...... you don’t have enough miles to fly first class...”

Me - “But when I looked on your site I have enough air miles.”

Avios booking agent - “Yes but that’s under the new scheme ....we have a special conversion rate to get you back to the old scheme.”

Me - “OK, what about Business class?”

A few tense moments later................

more keyboard tapping noise comes from the other end of the phone

Avios booking agent -“Computer says No.”

Me - "Gulp"

Me - “How about if I serve food and drink for part of the flight?”

Avios booking agent - “No need for that Sir. You can go Premium economy....”

Later that evening as Mrs B comes through the door:

Mrs B - “Did you manage to get the flights booked?”

Me - “Yes”

Mrs B - “I’m excited now I’ve always wanted to fly first class.”

Me - “About that.....”

Non-blogging is the new blogging

For the second blog running I find myself fascinated by the antics of a fellow blogger. This time it is the rather entertaining Alpenwassar who has come up with one of the best blogging ruses ever – no content no pictures and yet this posting received more comments then the BlackLOG ever does. Now Al is claiming that it was an mistake and he was just giving his blog a bit of a pre-Christmas spruce up when it accidently went off....sounds like a clear case of premature blogulation to me. Nothing a couple of cases of Bloggagra wouldn’t resolve....

Knowing Al through his blog I believe he is way too smart a cookie and have a couple of theories :-

Al’s playing the old silence trick, leaving people to fill the space – I’m rubbish at that one and always seem to get drawn into breaking the quiet ....

I’ll leave you to contemplate this in silence for a few minutes ....

tum,ti, tum....

whistling noises .....

tapping of feet...

slapping of thighs, but not in a pantomime or an Asda advert kind of way....

is that enough quiet time for you? Because frankly I’m getting itchy feet here.....

Al’s trying to widen his audience and has set the frequency of his blog at such a high level that only dogs and very ~~odd people~~ gifted people can read it. Not having a spare dog* to check this out with I have been unable to confirm this theory....

* my non-existent dogs are currently strapped to typewriters (I couldn’t afford the non-existent monkeys ) trying to poop out the entire works of Barbara Cartland** . I’m figuring that shit must be easy to do...

** 723 books, bless her, she kept trying (or at least her untrained Monkeys did) I wonder if Book No. 724 would have been half decent....

In my opinion Al has made it to Blogger Nirvana and I’m Jealpressed or possibly Imprelous i.e. impressed and jealous as hell in equal measures.

Even better, one of his regular readers SherilinR tried to cover up for him. Just as well I recognised her typing otherwise he might just have got away with it....

Duran Duran

When we purchased tickets for this concert it was set for a Saturday Night in the middle of the summer

The preference for gig nights – when not on holiday has to be in ascending order

Saturday

Friday

Thursday

Wednesday

Tuesday

Monday

Sunday

So imagine our delight when it was swapped to a freezing cold Monday night, after Simon Le Bon was stricken down with laryngitis in the summer .... It was only that we had really good seats in the 5^th row, a big thanks to Mrs B’s old PA for procuring them for us (most impressive) that we didn’t decide to go for a refund.

It took a while to get going for me as they started off playing quite a lot from their latest album, which is fair enough but I hadn’t really listened to it. But all was forgiven after the big hits started to echo around the O2:

Rio

Save a prayer

Wild Boys

Union of the snake

A view to a kill

Hungry like the wolf

Even some of their mid-career work, such as Notorious has mellowed and developed into a more pleasing sound on my ears at least.

After almost 30 years it’s good to see the main stay of the band still together after a few splits, reunions and re-splits

Simon Le Bon
Looking a bit like like an arctic explorer

Simon Le Bon (These days looking a bit like an Artic explorer)

Nick Rhodes - (maybe not as strange as Steve Strange but still pretty strange)

John Taylor - (Duran Duran's own version of Keith Richards)

Roger Taylor - (Not the queen drummer)

But no Andy Taylor

Strange to think - all those Taylors but not one of them is related. It can’t be that difficult, after all the Gallagher brothers (Oasis) managed it, so did Ray and David Davies (The Kinks). While the Kings of Leon may have lied about their royal connection they did manage three brothers and a first cousin....

The big disappoint of the night was the Blue bar – which is free entry to O2 mobile phone customers. I was hoping that it would be a complicated initiation process...but it turned out to simply require you to flash your phone to the doorman. As it was it was a plastic lean-to with a bit of blue lighting attached to the side of the O2 - singularly unimpressive.

On the same note O2’s priority ticket booking system is pants as well. Yes as an 02 customer you get the opportunity to purchase tickets at O2 venues, 24 hours before everyone else but for the two events that I’ve used it for to check ticket availability the only ones available are up in the gods, the ones that should come with vertigo warnings or a just sign at the bottom suicide note.... I managed to get better tickets by waiting 24 hours and fighting it out with the so called not so privileged .....

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Romain Jerome Moon Dust watch

Xupes price	£5,995.00
RRP	£10,450.00
Saving	£4,455.00

This is your chance to acquire a very rare excellent condition Romain Jerome Limited Edition Moon Dust DNA Carbon and Stainless steel automatic mens watch. This is the mens size measuring 46mm. The watch has a carbon fibre & steel bezel with fragments from Apollo 11. Steel & Black PVD Coated case. Black dial in mineral structure containing Moon dust. The Black crocodile leather woven with carbon fibre strap contains fibres from an ISS Spacesuit.

Record of the week

Turning Japanese - Liz Phair - Not in the traditional sense of the term - If you have to ask then you are far too innocent to be told.

Nothing Ever Happens - Del Amitri. - Except loads of comments over at AlPenwassar's

Wild Boys/Relax - live Duran Duran -

White Lines - Duran Duran -

Rio - Duran Duran (Ellen's Video!) - As a reminder of one of the destinations that one of us or half of each of us could have gone to with Avios....

Photo Finish
I had no problems getting Mega Mini Beast into Duran Duran, having made the decision to not to even attempt taking in The Beast. As it was security were very relaxed and were even taking photos of the audience using the audiences own camera’s.

John Taylor
"Still Breathing"
from Astronaut (2004)

"Shadows On Your Side"
from - Seven And The Ragged Tiger (1983)

"Save A Prayer"
Rio (1982)

Simon is
"Hungry Like The Wolf"

John Taylor
"Someone Else Not Me"
From Poptrash (2000)

This would have worked so much better if it was a
picture of Roger Taylor (not the Queen drummer).

But as he was hiding at the back I didn't get a picture
of him....Just use your imagination and prestend....

"Hands up if you have any questions

Yes Simon....."

Simon - "Is There Something I Should Know? "

Nick Rhode's likes his
"Girls on Film"

Have a happy Christmas, I'm holding back on the New Year bit as I intend to publish between Christmas and New Year. If I don't feel free to come back and scroll down to the special message below...

P.S. I'm trusting you, no sneaking off and peeking early....

Shame on you, I knew you wouldn’t wait

........And a Happy New Year.... OK not very special, just think of it as an 12" extended edition...

It was the best of weeks it was the worst of weeks

2011-12-08T12:54:00.010Z

This week’s title was Inspired by my blogging buddy over at Dear Diary.....Love Deranged after she simultaneously posted about Chumbawamba while I was selecting their track Tub Thumping for one of the records of the week.

(Actually I published shortly before L-kat , the proprietor of Dear Diary.... , did but I’m not going to split any hairs over it – because quite frankly my hair is thin enough as it is thank you very much....).

Now while I was merely using them to provide a musical accompaniment, Love Deranged had the much more inspired idea of bringing Dickens into the equation with a hilarious literary confrontation with her brother and father.

For those of you who have difficulty clicking links Let me do the hard work for you and bring Dear Diary to you ......now you are going to have do a little bit of the work and imagine suitable transportation sounds – think of the transporter on Star Trek -

Please note, you are about to arrive at Dear Diary.....Love Deranged (so any "me" you may encounter is not actualy me but L-kat - confused you might be), just use your intercom when you want to beam back on board the BlackLOG

What do you mean you didn't get an intercom? Oh, you must be one of the security detail, in red shirts, so I suspect you are not going to make it back - have a nice day and try not to make a mess on your demise....

Which came first, Dickens or Chumbawamba? Hmmm?

Brother and my dad were busy discussing all these classic books (don't get me wrong: I love to read and my bookcase boasts a lot of classics, but to be honest, I can't say I loved or understood all of the classics.....I prefer nonfiction books about science or history or crime). Anyway here is the one part of the conversation where I felt I had some knowledge to contribute:

Brother: "I'm writing an essay on the how the works of Dickens compare with......(fill in something really brilliant here.......~~I wasn't listening~~ .....~~didn't understand~~..... simply forgot what he said).

Dad: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Me: "Hell-yeah! Chumbawamba!! That is a great song! What does that have to do with Dickens?" [Please tell me someone remembers Chumbawamba and their one-hit "Tubthumping"? Please?]

Brother and Dad (speechless): ................

Dad: "No, that is a quote from 'A Tale of Two Cities.'"

Me: "Oh!! I've read that book before! I don't think I finished it though. I must not have gotten to that quote."

Brother and Dad (speechless): ................

Brother: "It's the first sentence."

Me (speechless): ................

Don't be alarmed you will now find yourself dropping down to the comment section of "Dear Diary .....Love Deranged" for those of you who have never delved into a comment section before, don't worry it might get a little dark down there at times but it is very unlikely that you will get hurt and in some cases you might find some additional entertainment.

BlackLOG said...

Don’t feel bad, not many people realise that Charles Dickens often borrowed H.G.Wells’s Time Machine and spent his time going forward in history* plagiarising himself. In your defence in early versions of A tale of two cities “It was the best of times it was the worst of times” was the closing line. But after Chumba whamba popularised it old CD went back and put it up front. Just tell your dad and Brother that you must have read a pre changed version which fell through a worm hole in time and space....

* Side note surely if you go forward in history, it is no longer history it is future???

L-Kat reply - Ah-HA! I knew it! Remember when you commented on a very early post of mine about how it was you from the future....and now you bring up how CD could travel through time?.........I am beginning to suspect that you either

1. already have unlocked the secret to time travel, have traveled back in time to tell ol' CD about the great line from Chumbwama's song and urged him to add it to his book

2. have not discovered time travel, but love the movie Back to the Future. Either way, it boggles my mind....history? future? both?!?!?? HELP!!

Not only is the proprietor of love deranged (L-Kat) very entertaining she is also serial replier to comments - so get over your fear of Blinking (Blog linking) and go check her out.

Any whoooo back to this weeks BlackLOG

Please imagine Star Trek transporter sound effects, as it's near Christmas why not treat yourself and use your mind’s eye to envision some really expensive shimmery style effects......

In short (regular readers will appreciate that this is not a natural state for the BlackLOG) Mrs B and I had a busy week with lots of late night events followed by ridiculously early starts..... for Mrs B that is.

This means, however, that I have an even more ridiculously early start because, being the loving husband that I am (i.e. Mrs B is not at her best in the morning) to get her up I must provide encouragement in the form of copious amounts of tea, removal of bed covers and if all else fails gratuitious foot tickling.... a very dangerous sport and should not be attempted without completing the full training course and having your life, health and inoculations up to date. To be fair Mrs B has never bitten me** but that rabid look is worrying and McG seems to have been sporting a few bites recently which I had put down to Mischief but thinking about it, I’m suddenly not so sure....

** I was in the supermarket the other day when I heard a commotion behind me and saw two small children sitting in the kiddie seats of a shopping trolley – I would estimate that they were both somewhere between 6 months and 15 years. Not being a parent or paedophile I’m not particularly up on child sizes and ages (one definitely had teeth so he must be at least 12).

Child one :- wah...wah...he bit my head (tempted as I am, I will refrain from calling child two Charlie)

Child two (not called Charlie) :- No I didn’t

Child one :- building his way to a full-on tantrum

Mother :– “Sorry I didn’t see, darling”

Me :– “I think the hair in one of your children’s mouth might be more than circumstantial evidence!”

Mother :– “Oh yeah....don’t bite him again” (to child still not called Charlie)

Me :– “Or if you do, get rid of any evidence”

Mother :– Frowning in my general direction....

Monday

was not that bad, with Mrs B leaving the house at 7am and not returning home till gone 9pm, which sadly is pretty standard fare these days....although things didn't start well for Mrs B ....

Mrs B gets the chance to dance her way to work

For those of you who didn't know it Mrs B is a huge Strictly Come Dancing fan, so when she had the opportunity to dance her way to work, she jumped at it.... Her selected dance partner for the trip was our BMW – Carruthers. As they were running late they started off with a Quickstep but things went wrong when Carruthers decided to switch partners and attemted a cheeky little Foxtrot, unfortunately all Mr Fox could manage was an American Smooth, leaving Mrs B and Carruthers to Waltz off into the distance....

I drove passed about an hour later and can confirm the fox was truly performing a Smooth (In fact he was flat out at it), although I’m not sure about the American aspect, I would describe it more like a Road Smooth.

For the record Mrs B was devastated at the demise of our Vulpes vulpe*** friend.... Some of you will probably be pleased to know that I decided not to provide a photo record of the event.....those of you disappointed, shame on you...

*** is it me or does the Red Fox seem to suffer from a bad stutter in latin....

Tuesday

Was a ridiculously early start - something like 5.00 am - Mrs B as she had a 7am meeting and since I was driving into London with her I got to share the joy. In the evening it was off to the Union Chapel for KT Tunstall. A brilliant venue**** and a fantastic performance from KT. The confidence to stand with just a guitar, her voice and an Akai E2 Headrush loop pedal, which she affectionately calls "Wee Bastard" was amazing. One of the highlights of the evening was when KT climbed into the pulpit and sang unaccompanied - just incredible (see the Jukebox). Her stories in-between songs were beguiling and witty and from these we discovered her early musical years were spent busking on Church Street in Burlington, Vermont.

**** Very friendly staff and not judgemental of The Beast i.e. they don’t perform extensive Kitchen sink searches and so The Beast can normally get in. I did write to KT for a photo pass but unlike James Grant she never replied...But she's cute so I'll give her a break...

The Entertainer...
(Have I got a treat for you this evening.....)

Wednesday

Brought us to the joys of Mrs B’s profession’s annual awards dinner.... Not that she was up for a award herself but her boss was, for an outstanding lifetime achievement. This was the last award (and the only sensible one) of around 25 of the dullest awards I have ever heard of , let alone had to sit through...The host for the evening was the BBC journalist and newsreader Emily Maitlis, who deserved a special acting nomination for the enthusiasm that she managed to show for each of the categories.

My mind started to shut down so I can’t be entirely sure of the accuracy (i.e. I had to make them up) of the names of the awards....

· The best use of a full stop in a long sentence

· The dullest sentence in an audit

· The best sentence beginning with “the” in the northern hemisphere

· The best sentence not even containing a “the” in the northern hemisphere

Faced with a list of a further 20 equally dull awards and no knowledge of the candidates up for each of them I went into survival mode and started a competition with one of my table mates to guess who would win each category.

After failing dismally to predict the first 10 winners I could not contain my excitement at getting one right and such was my over enthusiastic celebration that the host for the evening, Emily Maitlis, looked over at our table and started to applaud me as the winner. I did my best to make both denial and apologetic signs to Emily and was much relieved when the actual winner, after a horrendously long pause, eventually got me out of the squirmy nightmare I was sinking into....

Thursday

was a moderately early start 6:30am – As we were meeting up in London in the evening, I dropped Mrs B at her office (no point both of us driving) and then fought my way to work, back through rush hour London traffic. As it was another new venue for me I decided not to risk The Beast - b “The Electric Ballroom Camden” – a venue which has been going for over 70 years (I believe it is still owned by the original proprietor) and has managed to survive a few recent attempts by London Underground to have it flattened. It’s a bit scruffy but has a certain charm and after I found my way upstairs proved an excellent venue for Mrs B to see The Pigeon Detectives. The Pigeon Detectives are a very lively band, demanding a lot from their devoted fans and enjoying nothing better than building them into a frenzy. Watching from on high gave an excellent view of the dynamics of a mosh pit in action, as young and not so young men charged into each other..

Friday

After yet another early start it was off to the West End to see “Driving Miss Daisy”

We have been fortunate to have seats in the front rows of three very good West End plays this year, seeing:

Childrens Hour

Keira Knightly

Elisabeth Moss (Peggy in Mad Men)

Much a do about Nothing

David Tennant (The Doctor in Dr Who)

Katherine Tate (Comedien and Donna Noble the Doctor's companion

And now

James Earl Jones (Luke’s father’s voice in Star Wars)

Vanessa Redgrave (acting royalty if a little iffy politically)

In Driving Miss Daisy

Sadly the one thing that all three plays had in common turned out to be wanton smoking. For the third play running I found myself spluttering with eyes streaming. If, as is claimed, it is fake smoke it is mighty impressive and I just hope any cancer I get turns out to be fake as well. This time, a full 1/3 of the cast lit up and from my point of view it was fortunate that the cast consisted of just 3 performers...

James Earl Jones as the chauffeur was wonderful. That silky smooth voice has lost none of its vitality despite 80 years of excellent service. As for Vanessa, I shall start with the bad. Her American accent as Miss Daisy was shakier than a building during a 10 magnitude earthquake – I could have done a better job and I’m hopeless at accents.....but, to balance this out, she is 74 and, accent aside, her portrayal of Miss Daisy from a feisty 70 year old to a doddering 90 year old was spellbinding. Now, bearing in mind that both Mrs B and myself were absolutely knackered after a full-on, sleep starved week, (and it has not been unknown for me to push a few zzzzz in the theatre) were so caught up in the play that we remained alert and bright eyed for the entire performance.

It was a relief to make it to the weekend. Like I said: It was the Best of weeks (great gigs and theatre), it was the worst of weeks (not much sleep, a rather dull award dinner and certainly not great for Mr Fox ).

Now I have to admit to including the KT Tunstall gig for dramatic purposes, when it actually occurred the week before but even without it, it was a hectic few days (although checking back through some of this years blogs it always seems a but hectic...perhaps I'm getting old....).

Snack of the decade

Handmade mince pie flavoured crisps. When I first heard about them I had to check a couple of things :-

1. That it was not April 1st i.e. an April Fool’s joke; (Which just happens to be Mrs B's Birthday)

2. That Mrs B was not around. She is not a fan of mincemeat or indeed of me eating inappropriate snacks i.e. not Mrs B sanctioned food items.

I can report this odd-sounding combination is absolutely to die for but you won’t catch me admitting that in the presence of a certain Mrs B...

For those of you who thought I was kidding ....

I wasn't....

BlackLOG rule No.27 You never joke about snacks

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Jaeger LeCoultre Squadra Chronograph SS

Xupes price	£5,495.00
RRP	£8,650.00
Saving	£3,155.00

Excellent condition Jaeger le Coultre Squadra Reverso GMT Chronograph automatic stainless steel watch on Black rubber coated stainless steel strap with stainless steel deployment buckle. This is the mens size measuring 41mm by 35mm. The dial is black. The watch is in excellent condition with original boxes, & manuals supplied from a UK authorized dealer on1st November 2011. This particular model is still sold in Jaeger le Coultre Boutiques Worldwide.

Record of the week

If you want to listen just press play on the Jukebox

Shanty of the Whale (Live at the Union Chapel ) KT Tunstall -- The video on the juke box is from the very show that we were attended...not sure who put the video up, so can't credit them, but I can thank them in their anonymity.

If Only (acoustic) by KT Tunstall - If only KT had let The Beast in legitimately I might have got some better pictures...

Funnyman (acoustic) by KT Tunstall - Very nice of her, we've never even talked - perhaps she's read the blog...well maybe not...

I'm Not Sorry by The Pigeon Detectives - Well we were a bit sorry when we got caught in traffic the last time I tried to take Mrs B to see them and we missed their set....

Lost by The Pigeon Detectives - Not lost guys we were stuck in traffic, honest .....

Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba. - Included for the second week running for obvious reasons

Photo Finish
All pictures this week thanks to The Beast, the Kitchen Sink, the Union Chappell and KT Tunstall

Black Horse and the Cherry Tree
(I think the cherry tree is enjoying life as a piano...No idea what
happened to the black horse... are there any French in the house?)

Girl and The Ghost
(unless you can see the dead, the ghost will be invisible to you )

Golden Age
(Certainly for trousers)

Shanty of the whale
(The word according to the reverend KT Tunstall)

If Only
(I had not drunk so much water and
gone to the toilet before I came on stage)

Through the Dark
(Who put out the colour?)

Boo Hoo
(It's all over and time to go home....)

Hope to see you next time....

Two births, two job offers, a gig, a wedding and a belated move in

2011-11-26T01:58:00.003Z

A bit of catch-up after last week’s emotional farewell to Newark Park – I’m negotiating with my Sister and Mrs B to see if I can drag out some of their memories. If I succeed these will be published in a future blog....

Olympics Ambassador

May I introduce to you the latest 2012 Olympics Ambassador recruit ....

no, he’s not behind me....

no, it’s not the distinguished gentleman hovering in the corner (incidentally does anyone know who he is? He showed up a couple of days ago and keeps eating all the chocolate biscuits.....OK he doesn’t eat all the chocolate biscuits but Mrs B doesn’t know that so I‘m using it as cover....)

........It’s me!

Oh Mr Olympics Ambassador you are really spoiling us....queue bad acting as a tray of Ferrero Rocher are handed round (This is possibly one of the worst adverts of all time)

I had originally applied for the “Meet and Greet role” and during the interview they suggested I went for the one of the managerial roles....I was thinking this is the closest I’m ever going to get to being head hunted.... while they were probably thinking the best way of getting rid of me was to send me for promotion.

As it happens I was offered both roles.

The first is “Flying squad member” (despite being based at Stansted Airport I had been assured that my feet wouldn’t be leaving the ground – so no jetting off to exotic climes to pick up lost athletes then). It involves troubleshooting problems that can’t be dealt with by the local team. I’m not sure my vision of the Sweeney - sweeping in to sort out troublesome Olympics visitors - is quite how it would be though. To think, I even wasted some valuable time practicing :-

"On the floor Slag"

"You’re nicked"

"Empty your pockets" etc...

The other role is “Pod Manager” - again at Stansted Airport. I’m not entirely sure what this will involve but I did say at my interview that I wanted everyone who works for me to enjoy themselves so it should be a hoot....I sound like just the sort of boss I would want to work for....I shall be watching “Horrible bosses”* to pick up some tips.

While this is a totally voluntary job and I will receive no payment or have any chance of meeting any famous athletes, I’m really stoked to have been offered both roles...It’s been over 20 years since I last attended an interview, so to succeed in both was brilliant. I have turned down the Sweeney (Flying Squad) role – not much point if you can’t rough people up and nick them for having Olympics tickets for events that we want to see....

My main concern all along is that I will have to wear a uniform. The last time I wore one was at school and that was almost 30 years ago. It’s nice to see that I have my priorities in the right place..... I was relieved to find out that it won’t include a shirt and tie (I had vision of those polyester fire-hazard jobbies). Although the bad news there is an awful lot of purple and red for me to carry off, I will do my best

The uniform details released a couple of days ago, will include :-

Polo shirt - Now will it be horse or water polo?

Sweatshirt – while it might be for the summer this is the UK, just surprised they have not included
thermal underwear

Jacket – a bit formal but I’m prepared to make the sacrifice

Trousers - Well it would look mighty strange if we had no strides on....

Baseball Cap – I can wear it back to front and put off the youngsters

Trilby – no doubt for frightening the elderly

Umbrella - Come on this is the UK with only a 99% chance of rain - I'm looking forward to using it to do my Gene Kelly impression...

Notice there’s no holster and gun - so my Sweeney Flying Squad vision really faded before my very eyes....just as well I turned that role down

Joyce and Mitch visited from Canada for Mitch’s son’s Wedding

It was only a brief visit but good to catch up with them both – Joyce was a bit poorly – allergic to UK weather I fear.

I was particularly impressed that when we met them at the Wedding reception Joyce seemed sober but within less than a minute went from totally coherent to almost horizontal. She wanted to dance and wasn’t taking no for an answer. We cleared the dance floor before I escaped and managed to hide behind The Beast while Joyce went in search of other victims.

In just over a week Mitch dragged them the length and breadth of England, catching up with his relatives and leaving just enough time to join me for a C.A.C.T.U.S (Cheap As Chips Tuesday- half price cinema days) evening where I got to indulge in some more nostalgia with the New TinTin film.

I also managed to introduce them to the delights of Delicious (When the BlackLOG finally goes mainstream, it can surely only be a matter of decade, Delicious will definitely be one of the sets - like Central Perks in “Friends” – only we rarely get to sit in the comfy seats). They even got to see Mrs B briefly before she was whisked away to Beijing with work.

Roddy Frame – Bush Hall, Shepherds Bush

A new venue for me and a scandal in that I had a couple of spare tickets and only managed to find one person - Martin a German colleague – to join us after being turned down by a couple of Canadians (they were in the middle of their whistle stop tour of UK – Yes Mitch, you are now a Canadian – it helps with my international quota) – an Italian, a Brazilian and various English friends...a positive cornucopia of international rejection. Well, their loss as Mr Frame is an incredible musician and watching him play acoustically is a wonderful experience. Mrs B made another timely entrance appearing just as Roddy hit the opening bars of his set. I quite liked Bush Hall, another intimate venue and with the bonus of being able to park only 2 minutes walk away. As it was a new venue I didn’t try and get The Beast in so, regrettably, didn’t get any good pictures of the gig...

Alison has finally made an honest man of her husband

Just over a year after they got married our friend Al has moved in with her husband Richard. Better late than never, I guess we shouldn’t be that hard on Al as we were rather late getting to their wedding, arriving just as they were leaving the church – Ouch....We had been in Wales for the weekend and had struggled to make it back through the onslaught of Sunday traffic....

Richard “At last we can spend the rest of our lives together”

Al “Richard, that is just so last year”

Skip forward a year

Al “Ready or not I’m moving in....”

Richard "Who are you again?"

A couple of new additions to the world

...... who knows one of them might well have been the 7 billionth earth citizen to be born.....

Craig and Mala had a baby daughter Sophia. Craig asked when we were coming to meet her. I replied that Nicky was waiting for a formal invite while I was waiting until she gets to around 20 (get those difficult teenage years out of her system). I’ve been told that this was a really inappropriate thing to say (really?) along with my remark that the young daughter of one of Mrs B’s old work colleagues looked like Gollum (In my defence she had great big watery eyes)– I think I got away with it because her parents hadn’t read Lord of the Rings or seen the film.......

Adam - manager of the delectable Delicious cafe - has had a son Ruben (Well I guess technically that should be Adam and his wife, otherwise you probably would have seen this in a paper - ). Mrs B made the right sort of cooing noises over the pictures, while I tried hard not to make any accidental disparaging remarks - on the whole I think I succeeded, as so far I haven’t been banned from Delicious....

Watch of the weekThe regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Ebel Brasilia SS MOP Diamond

Xupes price	£1,495.00
RRP	£3,950.00
Saving	£2,455.00

Excellent unworn condition Ebel Brasilia Ladies Stainless steel Mother of pearl and diamonds watch on stainless steel strap with stainless steel deployment buckle. This is the ladies size measuring 30mm by 23.7mm. The dial is white mother of pearl with diamond markers. The case is set with factory diamonds. The watch is in excellent condition. The watch is from a UK authorized dealer on 1st November 2011.

Record of the week

Oblivious by Roddy Frame (Acoustic)

Somewhere In My Heart by Roddy Frame (Acoustic Live)

Bigger Brighter Better by Roddy Frame (Live on Later with Jools Holland)

Purple rain by Prince - There is a rumour that Prince (the diminutive purple pop star ) is the main sponsor of the London 2012 Olympics volunteer uniforms - in which case I'm grateful I don't have to wear a raspberry beret....

I'm still standing by Elton John - Only just Joyce, only just

Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba. For the refrain "I get knocked down, I get up again"

Next week

Covers another one of those very hectic periods for us

KT Tunstall

Pigeon Detectives

Driving Miss Daisy

I got to eat with the chairman of Mrs B’s Company

Show me the Sunny - gets it's now monthly airing

Which just leaves time for a quick .....

Photo Finish

Just as well I was in this shot otherwise I fear

Joyce would have exited stage left in a

quirky downward direction.... As it was I

got to feel like the pole in a pole dance...

Mitch a Canadian in English clothing....

Mrs B "Lean on me... but no dribble
thank you very much"

McG doing his best Teddy Bear impression.

If any blokes out there thought it would be cool

to have two birds fighting over them – just ask

what is left of Mr Fish, how cool this turned out
for him....????

Hope to see you next week

A personal remembrance of Newark Park (1974 – 2011)

2011-11-16T10:35:00.003Z

This week I report on a rather poignant moment in my life as I say goodbye, for the last time, to an old family friend.

We were first introduced in the summer of 1974 and what a profound impact that introduction had on my life. I speak not of a person but a house. Not just any house though. I’m talking about a 16^th century Hunting Lodge which might not be the most historically significant or architecturally beautiful house in the world but to me it has always held a very special place in my heart.

As a family we came to be associated with Newark Park through my mother’s London Landlord, Bob, or Uncle Bob as he came to be known to my sister and I. My mother was very fortunate that during the 60’s when the passion was to find a Slum landlord she found the rather wonderful Robert Parsons. A larger than life Texan (although he was born in Oklahoma in 1920 – raised in Wichita Falls Texas – never losing his wonderful Texan drawl) Bob came to England with the American army during the 2^nd World War. He fell in love with the country and after studying architecture at Harvard returned to England in the 1950’s. A successful antique dealer, property developer and wonderful landlord, he went to Newark Park in 1970 and found a house sadly in decline. (Not unlike McG at the beginning of this year.) The property had come into the hands of the National Trust in 1949 but unsure of what to do with it they had rented it out to a series of tenants, one of whom had turned it into a nursing home for the elderly. This has to be a low point in its history. I think of these as the house’s “Dexter” years, except rather than killing low life street scum, the house was helping to dispatch coffin dodgers – through hypothermia.

Bob had taken on Newark on the basis of a repair lease, with I believe an annual rent of just £1 a year but an agreement to spend something in the region of £10,000 annually on restoration. He took on the task with gusto and, I suspect, spent considerably more than £10,000 a year. He almost single handedly brought Newark back from the brink and by the time of our first visit, the house had moved out of intensive care and off the endangered list as Bob continued to breathed new life into it....

Our first visit was in the days before Sat Navs or mobile phones and I remember my father struggling to find Newark. No one in the neighbourhood knew of the house and in those days there were no helpful National Trust signs pointing the way. We seemed to end up driving through muddy fields and farm yards as we attempted to hone in on the place. My sister and I had a vision of it being a town house as our only knowledge of Gloucestershire was based on the following children’s Rhyme:

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
And never went there again!

The book where we read it showed a Georgian town house and to a 9 and 10 year old was exactly what we were expecting to find at Newark. The sight, however, as we finally drove in through the gate (Dad having at long last given up mucking about in muddy fields), passed the gate lodge and down the long curving drive with glorious golden corn fields flanking either side, was beyond our wildest imagination (which, to be honest, at the time consisted mainly of owning more sweets than we could eat and getting out of the car before we wet ourselves with excitement).

Having the run of the place my sister and I truly felt like Lord and Lady of the manor. Bob would even leave Trudy, his beautiful Great Dane (and incidentally my favourite ever dog), with us while he returned to London. Trudy was such a character and I remember one time when Bob had packed his car to the gunnels, leaving hardly room for himself. Somehow, Trudy managed to get into the car and squeezed her not inconsiderable bulk into the space that would have been a tight fit for a fairly small Chihuahua. It took an age to lure her out and you will never see a dog look so miserable and dejected as when Bob drove off without her. However as soon as the car was out of sight Trudy perked up and returned to her normal happy self....

Ghosts and things that don't go bump in the night (but might flutter)

Ever since my first visit to Newark I have been plied with stories about the ghosts that haunted the house. It was built from the stones of Kingswood Abbey (one of the many churches that Henry VIII had dissolved) and two monks are said to hang about the main staircase. I can report that, other than the terrifying paintings that lined the main staircase, with eyes that followed you in the most scary of fashions, ensuring my sister and I didn’t hang around when we went down to collect our night time cup of cocoa, I never once felt a ghostly presence..... I did however get scared shitless one time while watching a vampire movie, in the old Library at the top of the house, when a bat flew through an open window (I can confidently predict there would have been far more underwear staining if the bat had flown through a closed window).

If you look very carefully you will fail to find a

ghost gazing out from any of the windows...

Not unless you have taken loads of drugs or

not slept for a couple of weeks....

Newark - the Mrs B years

For a young man in his early twenties, coming from just an ordinary home, to be able to take a young lady to this wonderful remote house, perched on a high bluff in the Gloucestershire countryside proved to be a wonderful dating weapon.

Who could fail to be impressed?

In fact the first time that I took Mrs B down to Newark we found ourselves sitting down to dinner with Sally, Duchess of Westminster. Bob was renowned for his wonderful dinner parties. I believe Mrs B was slightly in awe of the situation and was mortified to find that she really didn’t like the starter – consommé and caviar. She looked across at me and watched me wolfing it down...Like a trooper she managed to finish the starter and just about kept it down (I'm sure the Duchess of Westminster was having enough trouble dealing with commoners, without one of them throwing up all over her) ...Mrs B was furious when she found out later that I had also disliked consommé and had not been eating it but using my spoon to crush it down into the bowl and then taking the empty spoon back to my mouth....

My sister’s wedding reception was held at Newark (it always delights me to be able to report that a fight developed between a mother and daughter which ended up with blood being drawn under the main table. No, it was not my sister and mother but Portia and Misty, two over-excited Great Danes in residence at that time. In a nice symmetry, Bob hosted my sister’s wedding reception just as he had for my Mother and Father in London many years before (I told you he was a good landlord, could you imagine Peter Rachman, one of the most notorious of Landlords, during the period, offering my parents anything but a swift boot out of the property.... ).

I had the honour of giving my sister away (despite all my best efforts she didn’t receive a single bid, let alone make the reserve I had set) and during the speeches I proposed to Mrs B (or Miss C as she was then)........... Yes, of course I discussed it with my sister first. She was delighted with my plan as she felt I had already kept Miss C waiting for far too long – I think it was around 10 years (a nice round number in my opinion). For the record, Miss C never actually said yes but burst into tears, along with most of the rest of the female contingent at the reception. The effect was like a scene from Night of the Living Dead with mascara running in rivulets down the cheeks of once immaculately made up young ladies... I wasn’t sure if I should run for the hills or start hacking the heads off the army of zombies that had suddenly materialised before me.....

Bob and Michael

Initially, Newark was a summer venue for us but, as the years went by, Bob’s improvements made the house suitable to be opened to the public and so our visits moved to winter which was out of season. (I’m sad to say that I never saw Newark under a blanket of snow, which looks magical in the photographs that I have seen. Although, being so remote, I don’t think we would ever have made it anyway.) Even after the loss of my Father in 1982, we carried on the relationship with Newark and it was around this time that Michael Claydon came to stay for a weekend and, as he puts it, forgot to leave.

While Bob had brought architectural creativity to Newark, Michael – whose previous jobs had included being a theatre manager - brought a business acumen which allowed Newark to start paying its own way and to bring it closer to the more conventional style of National Trust property. For almost twenty years (all except an 18 month break when Bob gave up the tenancy after he was mistakenly diagnosed with having Parkinson’s disease – it turned out to be a brain tumour which was successfully removed) until 2000 when Bob died just short of his eightieth birthday, Bob and Michael formed a successful partnership continuing to guide Newark towards safety. Before Bob had agreed to take on Newark there had been a real danger that the house would have been demolished.... Michael carried on the hard work for another 11 years.

I could not understand why Michael would ever consider giving up Newark Park but our final visit last month was a real eye opener. The house had been moving into a new phase for a number of years but because we had always visited out of season we had not noticed the impact of the subtle changes, such as part of the house being transformed into a separate holiday flat. For almost half the year Michael had become a prisoner in his home as Newark gradually became drawn more and more into the public domain. Much as I hate to admit it, this is of course the only way Newark can survive going forward. Michael has met a new partner, Philip, and they need to get on with their own lives.

The sad thing for me is that with Michael moving out of the house, part of what makes the house magical will be lost - the warmth that people living somewhere bring, giving personality to what is otherwise just an inanimate object. It was certainly strange to see so many visitors wondering around Newark and the way people talked about the house and asked questions of the room stewards* made it feel like a wake. I guess in terms of my memories, it was....

* A sure sign that things had really changed – It would have been very hard for my sister and I to play Lord and Lady of the manor, although thinking about it we probably could have pretended that they were our servants....

I know that the days and weeks I spent at Newark, even when added up, barely register as a blink to this extraordinary house**. I count myself as very privileged to have been able to stay there and have been left with some fantastic memories. We are truly grateful to Bob and Michael for their wonderful hospitality over the years....Yet time moves on and as one chapter closes a new one begins. If you ever find yourself in Gloucestershire, close to Wotton-under-Edge you should pop in and visit the old place – (as long as it is between March and the end of October from 11am to 5pm, Wed, Thur and weekends) and say hello for me. Sadly I can’t and won’t be going back.....

** While there will never be a blue plaque saying that I stayed here – I have one claim to fame, having slept in six of the ten bedrooms – I doubt no one else has.

Watch of the week
The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Rolex Datejust 18k/SS Diamond Dial

Xupes price	£5,495.00
RRP	£6,850.00
Saving	£1,355.00

Excellent condition New style Rolex Datejust ladies 18k yellow gold/stainless steel automatic 26mm watch on stainless steel/18k yellow gold strap with stainless steel deployment buckle. This is the mens size measuring 26mm. This is the sought after newer model with solid strap and concealed clasp. The dial is silver with diamond markers. The watch is in excellent condition with original boxes, manuals & guarantee stamped and dated 21st June 2007 purchased from a UK Autorized dealer. This particular model is current and still sold in Rolex Boutiques Worldwide. Strap measures 6.25 inches.

Record of the week
I was having difficulty getting versions of the songs that I wanted to use to load this week - not sure if access to the jukebox is coming to an end - a shame if it is but it has been a great ride. I still laugh (through gritted teeth) at the woman who commented that the music I selected showed dubious taste, she missed the point. Yes a lot of the songs played are ones I like, sometimes however I use songs that just happen to go with the weeks subject no matter how naf they are – a case of you the reader, well listener really if you choose to hit the play button, having to suffer for my art....

Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks - Sentimental hogwash but as it reached No.1 in the UK in 1974 there was just no way that I could not include it here - I can feel the tears welling up already, just not sure if it is through sadness and recollection of times that are gone and can never be again or of having to listen to this painful ditty once again, especially after thinking I had escaped its clutches forever - almost worth going deaf for (Michael count yourself lucky that your hearing is playing up at the moment and while I hope the operation to sort it out goes well try and avoid listening to this rubbish when you get it back)

This Is The Last Time by Keane - very apt for this weeks post - if it had been released in 1974 I think I might have cried again

All Things Must Pass by The Beatles -A bit strange this, while I can’t get any of the George Harrison versions of the song to play, I did find this 1969 Beatles rehearsal of the song – this would have been from the Get Back Sessions, which eventually became the Let it Be album – When"All Things Must Pass" failed to make it onto "Let It Be", George Harrisons used it as the title of his first solo album – incidentally the same year that Bob came to Newark....spooky but true
Photo Finish

A mixture of photo's taken during our last visit and the last time we actualy stayed a couple of years ago.....

The world would have been a poorer place if this

glorious property had been left to perish...

"Down by the lake", which happens to be
the title of a great little song by a group
called 'Mouse' - sadly not a chance of
getting this for the Jukebox....

One of the many Follies littered around the
700+ acres that surround the house ...

Can you imagine what this would look

like in a raging storm with fork lightning

illuminating the sky....

Big Sis doing her Bono (The fly era) impression....

Michael and Mrs B closing a gate on another

chapter of our lives...At 37 years it was certainly

quite along chapter, almost as long as one of my

more badly punctuated sentences ....

Mrs B trying to demonstrate the art of off road
driving if someone has stolen your car....

A view of the rolling hills that surround
Newark and add to its charm....

On reflection I don't think that sheep is very well.

It looks like it is suffering from a severe case of

zebra envyitus. Can prove fatal if crossed

with a busy main road...

My sister and I re-creating a photograph of Trudy

(Black Great Dane)and her back in the 1970’s –

My sister had the easier task, just having to play

herself, all be it a much younger version (soft

focus can work wonders) – While I had to spend

hours working on becoming not just a dog but a

female one to boot (or should that be paw).

Yes I know it would have been a lot more impressive

if I had worn black but you can’t have everything ....

Michael and Philip at the backdoor of Newark..

The Devil is always in the detail....

Regular readers of the BlackLOG (probably

Just Mrs B and I ), will be familiar with my

love of taking pictures of people walking

away from the lens. The secret behind this

technique is simply to get left behind, as

you take pictures of other things around

you, and then find yourself lagging way

behind, desperately trying to catch up.

Having already stretched your patience this week, I shall draw this week’s blog to a close. If anyone is interested I will trawl the old memory banks and share with you other memories of Newark in a future BlackLOG....

This week celebrating glorious failure...

2011-11-06T02:55:00.006Z

Following on from last week’s murder mystery in Hastings* Mrs B and I found ourselves making a return trip the following weekend.

* For anyone interested Brian Sewer (aka Christian) was the murderer – The main clues, all those "pfnarfs" and "guffaws" and glasses on a chain,sure sign of a murderer, probably would have used it to strangle his victim if the poison had not worked.

I blame the unseasonably good weather and the members of English Heritage who spotted The Beast and mentioned that it was a shame that we were a week early as the next weekend was the Battle of Hastings annual re-enactment – Typical of us British to celebrate the last time we lost a home game in a European competition....No one else celebrates glorious failure in the same way

Scott of the Antarctic - came second to the far less famous Roald Amundsen who lost his life and his men in the process.

Charge of the Light Brigade - They came second, never a good thing in a battle.

Titanic - Failed to swim the Atlantic ocean – rumour has it that they had run out of Ice in the 1^st class dining room and everyone’s G&T’s were going warm – if only they had stopped to pick up the ice rather than trying to plough right through it....

Guy Fawkes – Famed for his failure to blow up the Houses of Parliament and burned in effigy every 5th of November -

Just think no Houses of Parliament = no MP's expenses scandal

i.e. no greedy, good for nothing, bloodsucking, power hungry bustards leaching off this country like it is their own personal bank account – thanks for nothing Guy Fawkes Charles the 1^st – Famous for the failure to keep his crown – true a little pointless having a crown when you have lost your head and so don’t have anywhere to keep it

Harold Godwinson – After beating the Danes a few days earlier all he had to do was to rest his troops and wait for reinforcements - not rush his men into a battle that they were not prepared for with that complete French bastard William. Apparently when Harold's men complained about all the rushing around he declared that “It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick....” how profound that statement turned out to be...

They always say you should learn from your mistakes.

Sadly us Brits just seem to glorify in them....

The problem with re-enactments is that they involve a large number of beardy weirdies - who traditionally couldn’t get a girlfriend if they tried picking them up on a street corner and offered to pay them double.

Not sure what has happened recently but the beardy weirdies for this event seemed to have come with readymade families and, on the surface at least, no rohypnol seemed to have been required. Perhaps there are certain women who have a thing for leather, chainmail, swords and sharpened axes.... it looks like Saxon and Norman groupies are the new W.A.G.s of the modern age.

The day consisted of:

Falconry displays
Various talks about elements of life in Saxon Britain in 1066
A number of children's activities that we avoided like the plague (OK the plague wouldn’t hit Britain for another 282 years, but I’m sure you will make allowances for us wanting to avoid other people's snotty nosed little street urchins who are bound to be carrying some sort of germ, bug or virus)
Sword and Axe knockout competition – with combatants fighting each other until just one man was left standing.
Norman horse demonstration – The Saxon army was made up almost entirely of infantry which would have made for a very dull horse demonstration.

Culminating at 4pm in a never to be repeated experience** - the re-enactment of the battle of Hastings itself *** consisting of 600 mainly beardy werdies – including a few women with what I can only hope were fake beards (the actual battle had 16,000 and no women – unless you count the ladies on the side lines busily stitching the Bayeux tapestry - probably the first ever live outside broadcast event) compressed into 1 hour (the actual battle lasted about 8 hours).

** unless you count - the next day, next year and future years.

*** Which for you accuracy freaks out there took place at Senlac Hill, approximately 10 km (6¹⁄₄ miles) from Hastings.

Mrs B lasted about 45 minutes, her loss of interest can be put down to the lack of deaths on the battle field - despite the commentary stating that the English (Saxon) army was being decimated by the Normans (future English), yet not one single person managed to lie down and play dead - For the record Mrs B is not normally an uncaring blood thirsty individual, she just happens to be a stickler for accuracy. I appreciated that only having 4% of the original numbers to play with the organisers wouldn’t want too many deaths at the beginning of the scrap. However after the equivalent of 6 hours of heavy fighting you wouldn’t expect it to be Nil-Nil and very much looking like things were heading for a boring no score draw.

On the plus side Mrs B's sudden loss of interest at least allowed us to get out of the car park and away without getting stuck for hours in the mass exodus – You have to face it, battling your way out of a packed car park takes on a whole new meaning when many of the other competitors have swords, spears, battle axes and way too much facial hair for anything other than a werewolf with shaving issues....If only I had still been packing last weekend’s wash bag I could have at least pulled a safety razor on them.

“Let me out weirdo or the beard gets it....”

Overall the day was great and with next year set to be one of the “Big Ones” i.e. likely to involve 2000+ beardy weardies and the promise (now this is going to be so exciting for any accurists out there that I fear there is a serious danger of some over excitement underwear wetting, so if you do get over excited by accuracy please step back from your PC, I don’t want to be held responsible for your involuntary electrocution - that includes you Mrs B) that the battle will be fought in the correct orientation i.e. up and down Senlac Hill rather than across its slope as happens most years when there are not enough beardy weardies to fill the space....I’m kind of tempted to take The Beast back next year for "The Big One". This very much depends on the weather and Mrs B's beardy weirdy tolerance levels.

All I'm saying is - it's a beard and it looks weird....

Harsh but true....

Vocal combat - fight for the right to argue

All that male testosterone played out in front of me seemed to have an adverse affect and I spent the following week being more confrontational than normal.

PC virus

I was informed by our IT department that my work PC had contracted a virus and was asked to bring it down to the IT department to get the problem resolved.

I was told that if they discovered a virus they could remove it and I could have my PC with the data intact and so I happily went off with a loan machine.

I called back a week later and was told they had isolated the virus and removed it and I could pick up my PC.

Imagine my delight to find they had not only cleaned out the virus but all my data as well. Grrrrr

Tesco – when is an offer not an offer? When it's a Tesco offer

I was incensed during a recent visit to the local Tesco supermarket when I noticed that one of their tempting offers was not actually an offer at all. A big yellow sticker declaring "2 items for £6" sounds good until you read the small print and notice that all the items in the offer were priced at £3 each, a grand saving of zero pounds - with those levels of savings we can wave goodbye to the recession and party like it's bed time...

I pointed this out to a passing Assistant Manager who took a very high handed attitude saying that it was very much up to the customer to check what the deal was (sounds a lot like when our government recently had extensive talks with the energy companies, regarding their over complicated pricing structure for gas and electricity. Promising action to curb the issue of overcharging customers by confusion....only to declare shortly afterwards that it was up to each customer to find the best deal for themselves. This was no doubt after brokering a deal with the energy companies for half price gas and electricity for the House of Commons.)

I mentioned that with that sort of attitude Tesco would not need to worry about upsetting customers in the future as people don’t like being ripped off and tend to vote with their feet . “Sure” I continued - feeling the full might of righteous indignation swelling inside me – “Waitrose is generally more expensive but at least you know what you are paying with their "never knowingly under sold" slogan.

(Yes Christian, I know that officially that is a John Lewis slogan but I regard you all as one big happy family and it fits with this week’s blog....

Do you really want to argue while I’m in this mood....?

Hang on a second , are you still wearing your Brian Sewer glasses on a chain?.....

Please note that if I happen to die mysteriously in the next few weeks I expect to see Christian as the chief suspect).

Mr Assisant Manager got upset at this and refused to accept that they were ripping off customers. He wouldn’t even acknowledge that people would perceive that they were being ripped off.

I pointed out that I myself felt that I was being ripped off.

His response “No you are not” clearly shows he was not a perceptive person himself.

While he had no idea that I was still fuming at having all my data wiped off my PC earlier in the day, he should have noticed the rising level of sarcasm and the steam rising from my ears.

Scottish power

As our current energy deal was running out I received an email informing me that they were happy to extend the same deal for another year....This set alarm bells ringing and just 10 minutes on their site brought me the reward of a 10% discount on energy prices – a saving of about £120 over the year. A quick check on the comparison web sites proved that this was the best deal open to me so I called them up.

SP Energy sales rep – "Are you calling to extend your current deal?"

Me – "Not likely. I have worked out that your Saver 16 bill is more beneficial for us by 10% a year"

SP Energy rep – "So you don’t want to extend your current deal?"

He was obviously far more perceptive than your average Tesco Assistant Manager

Me – "No. I’d actually like to sign up for your most expensive energy rate that you do..."

Silence – this conversation had clearly gone off his written script

Me – "Saver 16 sounds like a good one to me"

SP Energy rep – "Good choice - that’s probably our best deal at the moment"

I decided not to get into the argument as to why I felt they should put me on the best deal in the first place....

Film night

What’s worse than turning up 15 minutes late for a film night....? Turning up 15 minutes early, while your host (me) was still in the shower*****....It wouldn’t have been so bad if we had been going to watch something damp like Titanic or Jaws, it would have at least set the mood. As it was it was a less than impressed soggy half-dressed individual who rather moodily opened the door to three early guests.

***** What can I say, It doesn’t take me long to get ready

Carruthers

As I walked back to Carruthers(our BMW) in Waitrose (Upmarket supermarket) there was a huge space where we had parked him....Gulp

It turns out that all this aggression seems to have affected Carruthers, who was so incensed at being left in the Waitrose car park on his own that he had decided to take matters into his own wheels and gone for a roll (The hand brake had not engaged properly, Doh!) We found him 30 yards down the car park kissing the front of a Saab. It could have been worse, it might have been a Skoda or a Daewoo - I’m not sure I could have lived with the disgrace of Carruthers being caught inflagranti with a lower class vehicle. It was bad enough that the Saab was quite a bit older than him and had clearly led him on....

We waited for the owner and explained the situation (no, not the bit about their hussy of a car leading poor Carruthers astray) - Mrs B said it went really well until I mentioned how lucky it was that our car's wheels were turned slightly so he had rolled in an elongated curve and met her Saab's bumper rather than the doors and side panels of the vehicle that had been parked right in front of him. Mrs B said the woman didn’t look like she was feeling that lucky....

I guess we should count our blessings that it was Waitrose, because if it had been in Tesco the owner of the car would have probably tried to claim whiplash, sustained when she recieved the message over the tannoy to go back to her hussy of a car....

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

This weeks is Josephs favourite,

A Jaeger Lecoultre Tourbillon...

Xupes price	£58,000.00
RRP	£91,450.00
Saving	£33,450.00

Immaculate unused condition Jaeger le Coultre Master Compressor Extreme Byblos Tourbillon Limited edition Platinum & Titanium watch on black rubber strap with stainless steel deployment buckle. This is the mens XL size measuring 44mm. The dial is slate grey.

Record of the week

The Fool On The Hill by Paul McCartney – All Harold had to do was hold his men at the top of Senlac Hill and victory would have been his....The fool

ARGUE - Matchbox20 – Monty Python said it a lot better than I ever could -

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man: (pause) I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn't!

O: Yes I did!

O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

(pause)

M: It's just contradiction!

O: No it isn't!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn't!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can't! - An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

Me - See I told you
Reader - No you didn't
Me - Yes I did.....

Photo Finish
To end this week we have some shots from the Battle of Hastings re-enactment day followed by a day we had on the beach in October - Proof the UK weather has truly lost it....

Like Dumbo, this little chap needed his
magic feather in order to fly...

"Eeek - I've dropped my lucky feather
Flight control I'm going down,
repeat, I'm going down"

1 of 4
During the dress rehearsal in the afternoon
deaths to the left of us.....

2 of 4
Deaths to the right of us...

3 of 4
In fact death all around us.....

4 of 4

Yet during the battle re-enactment itself

there seemed a certain amount of stage fright

going on with a pathalogical failure to die.....

A couple of reporters taking a well earned break
from live sewing duties on the Bayeux Tapestry
(which incidentally is not a tapestry and was
made in England not Bayeux)

The Normans looking down on the Saxons
We appear to have a bit of slope
malfunction going on...

Kirk – “Shield wall up and set phasers to stun, Mr Zulu”

Southwold beach in October

How old do you think this couple are?
answer next time....

We were like a beacon to small children, who
delighted in surrounding us and practicing
a game called "Who can scream the loudest".

Mrs B gets the long legs she has always wanted....

I wasn't sure if I should take this picture
or call the Firebrigade...

I hope this was a reflection of the sunset in
the window rather than the cottage on fire ..

Next week sees me sever a 37 year relationship, which links right back to the heart of my childhood

Murder Mystery and toilet roll expense

2011-10-26T23:44:00.002+01:00

For those of you who read the last BlackLOG I left you in a bit of suspense. As I exited the Love and Money gig I realised that in my excitement of having a photo pass and the stress of fighting my way through London rush hour traffic, I had forgotten where I had left Carruthers (our black BMW) having dumped him in the first free space that I could find before sprinting (as much as the weight of The Beast and the kitchen sink would allow – so more of a slow lollop really) to the venue doors.

It took me three streets and a few panic-filled moments to find Carruthers because in the dark and in a blind panic all roads start to blur into one. I almost hugged the car in my excitement at finding him, although that was mainly due to me tripping over the pavement as I surged towards the familiar shape. Wasting no time I leaped on board, with just a brief pause to drop the roof before speeding off into the west London night. I felt a bit like King Harold, almost 950 years before me, rushing towards his destiny with William the Conqueror* at Hastings.

* Although it would have been William the Bastard in those days – it’s amazing what a major victory in battle can do for your historical standing....

I arrived at the Oast House at about half past midnight and made my way in through the unlocked front door to be greeted by a deafening silence. I checked in the living room, kitchen and dining room, the two bedrooms downstairs, all empty – it was like discovering a land-locked Marie Celeste – 4 cars out front but no sign of life inside .... I made my way upstairs and discovered a second living room, kitchen and dining room and to my relief Mrs B and the gang chatting away. The weekend away could begin....

On Saturday we piled into 3 cars and made for Battle – The Abbey and Town built around the battlefield for the last English defeat on home soil, if you exclude the many sporting disasters that seem to haunt our football, cricket and rugby teams.... returning early in order to prepare for the evening, changing not only into 60’s style clothing but also into character for the nights entertainment, a murder mystery dinner party.

Interactive bit

While you might not have attended our weekend I don't see why you should miss out on all the fun. So after attempting the difficult task of trying to work out if I survived last week’s adventure**, this week you have the relatively easy task of studying the nine reprobates below and deciding which of them was guilty of the weekends murder....

** OK, I was a bit disappointment that some readers seemed to take this as an opportunity to never return – well the laughs on them, I did in fact survive...

The nine suspects

Mary-Jane Faithless – AKA - Shonagh

Used to be famous as the girlfriend of Lord Michael Jagged,
now famous as a pop singer. Like her fellow Scot –
Sean Connery – you get the impression that no matter what
part Shonagh plays it will be with a Scottish accent :-

- You want a Spanish actress meet Penélope McCruz

- You need a female Russian Submarine Captain may
I present to you Anastasia Morag Menshikov

Terence Shrimp – AKA – Phil

An East end London boy who has made it big as a Society
photographer a dedicated follower of just about anything....
Like Alfie – although more like the Jude Law version than
the Michael Caine one.

Martin X - AKA - me***

A highly controversial loud American political theorist, some people find
him intimidating, while others think you are just mad – The only thing
that I was guilty of murdering was the American accent – as it hopped
around the west coast, the east coast, Texas and other parts of the world
not even vaguely connected to America. The only good thing to be said
about my attempted accent was that it was consistently inconsistent and
so spectacularly bad that anyone watching was too horrified to even
notice my appalling attempts at over acting...

*** For someone who hates smoking with a passion
I rather worryingly quite enjoyed using a fake pipe

Big Ron AKA Oliver Steed

Actor, Raconteur, hell-raiser, larger than life and twice as
loud...At times Big Ron was like Gary Oldham with accents
and facial expressions .

Kitty Killer AKA Mrs B

Celebrated journalist and biographer so glamorous that she is
often more famous than the people she writes about....Played it
like a young Joanna Lumley (but not as Pasty from AbFab) and
showed off Mrs B’s diverse AmDram heritage which included
playing a goat, the Statue of Liberty and her commended part
for her Liverpool accent while playing a Welsh Bus conductress

Christian AKA Brian Sewer

Wine critic and wine-snob. Sneering, patronising and often
downright rude, Christian went off script and added a
number of "pfnarfs" and a "guffaw" that were
Oscar worthy...

Tamara Fara-Buckworth AKA Lisa

Famous for being famous , no social event would be complete
without her....big Ron named her Banana hairy F*cktooth

Champagne Charlie Bunson AKA Stunt Cock AKA Joe

A businessman and entrepreneur, who for some reason is feared
throughout the East End of London. Some people think he is a
gangster but have never been convicted of anything - Not even
for Stunt cock’s terrible accent or acting. Possibly as bad as me..

Babs Crayfish – AKA Kirsty

Champagne Charlie’s latest squeeze but an actress in her own
right or will be if someone is looking for a role for a complete
airhead... Kirsty was fortunate to have been born in Harlow
hospital so could draw down on her blonde Essex roots...she
took to the part like a duck to pâté and unlike her H’s Kirsty
never dropped the accent or her persona once throughout
the entire evening....

So if you want to play just drop down to the comment section and name the murderer.

The Oast house our venue for the weekend

The venue for our weekend reunion was a rather fabulous Oast House near Hastings which was only slightly tainted by the owners request to replace any toilet paper we used...surely you build that into the rental costs. I was all for sticking individual sheets onto the rolls with sell-o-tape but was banned from doing it by the others...This was getting a bit like a Ryan Air flight with hidden Extras at every turn. I was waiting to see if we got a bill at the end of our stay :-

Use of the front door £1 each way per person – the main reason why I used the windows to go in and out
Use of beds £5 per hour (or part of an hour) per person
Use of video recorder (who has video’s these days) £5
None use of Video recorder £20

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Franck Muller

King Conquistador

Chronograph 8005

Xupes price	£10,995.00
RRP	£20,200.00
Saving	£9,205.00

This is your chance to acquire an unworn mens Franck Muller King Conquistador Chronograph 8005 K CC stainless steel mens watch on black rubber strap with stainless steel tang buckle. This is the mens size measuring 40mm by 47.5mm. The dial is Black with silver subdials.

Record of the week

Murder on the dance floor by Sophie Ellis Bextor - well more like murder in the Oast House

Country house by Blur - I can confirm it was in the country and it was a house.....

Kite by Nick Heyward - In memory of Camber Sands - in truth I was struggeling to find appropriate tunes this week....

Photo Finish

A few snaps to end with

Kite flying on Camber sands

I'm not sure if Big Ron is re-enacting the part of

Christopher Walken (Nick)

in the Deer Hunter

Marlon Brando (Colonel Walter E. Kurtz)

in Apocalypse Now.

End of another great weekend

Hope to see you next time....

Discovering that scoring a photo pass does not get you through London traffic

2011-10-15T23:39:00.000+01:00

Last Friday night it was off to Shepherds Bush to see Love and Money for a one off show in London. I was a little bit in the doghouse with Mrs B as we were already pre-booked for a Ski reunion weekend, at an Oast house near Hastings. What saved my bacon (apologies to any passing vegetarians) was that through a mutual acquaintance the Lead Singer organised a Photo pass for, gulp, little old me and The Beast, allowing us to play with the big boys…..Not enough to convince Mrs B to join me but enough to take the pressure off about arriving late for our weekend...

I was so impressed that James Grant took the time and
trouble to organise this for me, well above and beyond
the duty of your average Lead Singer of a pop group.

Skip to the bottom if you can't wait for the results....

The concert was split into two halves – the first half was dedicated to the performing of Dogs in the traffic – Love and Money’s third album. While the second half saw them cover their second and most commercially successful Album ”Strange Kind of Love” - Shame on you if you have never heard of them - a most under-rated group….

Dogs in the Traffic – just happens to describe the first part of my evening – getting to the venue.

I set off from Canary Wharf at around 5pm, expecting the 11 mile journey to Shepherds Bush to take 45minutes….four miles and one hour later, I was stuck in Friday night motor misery, as a crash on the Euston Road had ground the rush hour traffic to a standstill….

Aaaaarrrgggghhhh………..

didn’t the traffic gods know I had a photo pass…?

Of course they did, which is why I was sitting going nowhere. This is, after all, the BlackLOG.

At least it was warm enough to have the roof down on Carruthers* which helped to keep me a little bit calmer than I would have been. It looks odd screaming and pulling what little hair you have left when enclosed in a car. (There may even have been some four letter words but with no witnesses coming forward, I’m admitting nothing me lud….)

* I may have failed to mention that ElleGee has gone** and been replaced with an almost identical car, only with a 2 litre turbo diesel in place of the very underpowered 1.8 petrol engine – Yes Teach, ElleGee was a terrible name but I did manage to keep using it.…Inspired by your comment that I would not keep it up…

** Hard to believe but ElleGee reached three years of age and despite good service was discarded like an unwanted shoe. Although to be fair we liked him enough to have the same black exterior and red leather seats on the replacement….

Once the clock struck 6pm (I have a complete aversion to paying the congestion charge and I’m normally adept at skirting around the outside of the charging zone) I managed to wriggle down a side road and tried to cut across central London, only the Tom Tom kept trying to pull me out of the congestion zone. I had originally set it to avoid the congestion charge but could not seem to turn this instruction off – despite my heated argument with the Tom Tom trying to explain to it that “once you have crossed the zone entrance you don’t get a rebate for leaving” and then, rather more slowly, telling it that “you don’t actually get charged after 6pm”…. The result was me trying to guess a direction to avoid hitting the static traffic whilst still continuing to make my way in the general direction of Shepherds Bush….The upshot of this rather stuttering and haphazardly-directed journey was an average speed of less than 5 miles an hour - I could have walked it quicker.

Some simple maths

11.5 miles / 2 and a half hours = 4.6 miles an hour

I finally arrived at the venue at 7:30pm but since it was allocated seating this was not the end of the world. The only issue was that my normal parking area had long since been filled up so I had to hunt around a bit and park in a different area….

The second album “Strange kind of love” – kind of relates to the actual show itself

As already discussed, Mrs B was otherwise engaged and my attempts to lure people along at first appeared to be successful because I had a number of initial positive responses. One by one, however, people discovered life got in the way. This left me and The Beast to face the evening on our own. The upside of this: The Beast got his own seat…..

It had never been my intention to try and compete with the professional photographers, so I was happy to take pictures from my seat – which happened to be the fifth row so not too far back. After I picked up the Photo pass I was initially challenged about my Rucksack (The kitchen sink) before I entered the auditorium – a quick flash of the photo pass and that was my first obstacle cleared. I settled in my seat, luxuriating in the extra space that was available to me. I was next to the aisle which was a bonus as it gave me clear line of sight to the stage. I settled back and waited for the band’s arrival.

I had decided on a couple of strategies:

Not to use flash; and

to shoot single shots rather than rely on constant shutter

This was mainly to make sure I did not annoy the people around me.

Psht, Psht, Psht, Psht, Psht, Psht, Psht, Psht

can get pretty annoying when it is constantly in your ear….So Mrs B informs me anyway…..

The Beast can’t help getting a bit over excited at times.

The down side with single shot is that you have to work harder to get a good picture, as the light at a gig is constantly changing….The upside is you don’t have to sort through thousands of failed shots….

Part way through the Dogs in traffic set a steward came over and asked me about The Beast.

I said I had a photo pass and went to get it –

“No problem” he said as he wandered off.

I felt a bit cheated as photo passes are not easy to come by. I continued clicking and enjoying the show until after the interval when the group moved onto the “Strange Kind of Love Album”.

Another Steward popped up – rather like the shop keeper in Mr Ben....

Over officious steward - “Can you come with me sir?”

Me - “It’s alright I’ve got a photo pass…”

Over officious steward - “Yes but you’ve broken the three song rule, sir.”

Me - “What three song rule?”

Over officious steward - "The photo pass only allows you to take pictures during the first three songs of the set."

Me - “Huh?” No one told me…

My legs went all wobbly for a second, especially when he talked about having to delete some of the pictures.

But I decided it was best not to argue and to keep it nice and polite. Showing him a copy of the email from James Grant probably saved my photos from being deleted.

Phew….

But he still insisted that The Beast was going to have to go in the Sin Bin until the end of the gig.

Gulp….

Thank god I had been through the same process with the, somewhat more illegal, Mega Mini Beast a couple of months ago….So I knew it would be stored in a nice safe warm room….

When I got back to my seat the gruff Scottish*** guy in front of me said -

"Ah thut yud bin threwn oot man”

Thanks to Mrs B for providing the scottish accent

*** in truth I would estimate that 90% of the audience had fairly strong Scottish accents – Damn foolish English (For once I was happy to fall back on my Scottish roots – have I mentioned that I got married in a ~~skirt~~ …sorry Kilt?) really don’t appreciate good music when it is set in front of you…

No Mrs B …. No Beast. How could I go on …? (I told you it was a Strange Kind of Love….).

….Quite easily actually - I lost myself in the music.

I would love to say that the nostalgia brought memories flooding back from years ago but when I had contacted Mr Grant and said I still listened to his music on a regular basis I wasn’t kidding, Love & Money, Friends Again (an early version of the band) and James’s solo work has never been far away from the play button of first the record player, then the CD player and more recently the Ipod.

One thing that had changed in the years since I last saw Love & Money live was James. He was a lot more relaxed with the audience - chatting to us as if we were old friends, talking about some of his experiences including:

Being thrown off the Tina Turner tour when he introduced the band at a show by saying,

“We’re not Tina Turner. She’ll be along in a wee bit.”

Hardly the crime of the century and personally I hope it was Tina’s management who had a sense of humour loss rather than the Octogenarian.

Discussing his cold and describing his need to blow his nose on stage as not very Rock n Roll, before going on to mention the reason why rock stars never leave the stage for toilet breaks (I have a feeling that we once saw Ray Davies - Lead singer of the Kinks - leave the stage for a toilet break) was the use of incontinence pants …..I think he might just have been joking….

They announced they were releasing a new album next year and more tours

Oh, sh*t.

Absolutely brilliant news but I had promised Mrs B that it was a one-off and my last chance to see them….even going as far as promising Mrs B that I would join her at the ballet if they ever toured London again, something I had sworn I would never attend….Fortunately Mrs B hadn’t actually enjoyed the ballet that she failed to get me to attend and had no intentions of going again…Phew a bit of a lucky escape there…..

As I walked away from the gig, having retrieved The Beast, there was a mixture of elation and a certain amount of sadness…. Was this the first and last Photo pass I would ever get? I hope not….

I then had a small problem to deal with - in my excitement and all the confusion of being stuck in traffic and running late, parking in a new street and then hurrying to the venue I kind of forgot where I had abandoned …left the car…..

Find out next week if I actually made it to the weekend or if I really put myself in the doghouse….

As promised last week the return of some regular features

Show me the sunny

Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels -

KW Produced so far – 3012 (My target was 3000 for the year, so I was delighted that we had made it with almost a month to go…)

This has earned us (including saving on electric and gas) approximately £1,500 for the year. Not bad considering the weather has been pretty pants this summer ….The end of September and early October weather saving the day….

Record of the week

Love And Money - Shape of things to come

Love And Money - Candybar Express (The Shep Pettibone Mix)(1986)

Love And Money - Looking for Angeline

Love & Money - Cheeseburger

Friends Again - Sunkissed

Friends Again – "State Of Art"

Love and Money – Wanderlust

Friends Again - lucky star (1984)

James Grant - Winter

I woud have loaded more songs if I could have found them - go listen to the tracks, be amazed that you have never heard them before - rush out and track the music down and add it to your collection....

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Tag Monaco

Video link for the watch

This is your chance to acquire an excellent condition mens automatic Tag Heuer Monaco Steve McQueen Ltd Edition Stainless steel on navy blue crocodile leather strap and stainless steel deployment buckle. The dial is blue/white. This is the mens model. The watch is in excellent condition with slight wear to strap. Complete with Box, manuals, and guarantee with original receipt dated 15th June 2002. 12 months Xupes warranty included. Also known as CAW2113.LE6183. Xupes Ref. X125

Photo Finish

Hope you enjoy The Beast properly unleashed at a gig at last

James Grant - Lead Singer

"Candybar express"

Paul McGeechan - Keyboards

"Don't be afraid of the dark"

"Pain is a Gun"

Douglas MacIntyre- Guitar

"Temptation Man"

"Razorsedge"

Fraser Speirs on harmonica

"Papa Death"

"Keep Looking for the light"

Gordon Wilson - Drums

"Lips like ether"

"Halleluiah Man"

Ewan Vernal - Bassist

"Sometimes I want to give up"

"Axis of love"

"Pray for Love"

Douglas MacIntyre
"Cheeseburger"

"What time is the last train?"

Fortunately with two sets you get two endings,

so I could get closing shots even though I

didn’t have The Beast at the end of the gig...

"Walk The Last Mile"

In memory of Bobby Paterson 1956 - 2006

Hope to see you next week (please remember this is a BlackLOG week, which may run for more or less than your average run of the mill 7 days) in which we find ourselves embroiled in a murder mystery – Has Mrs B finally come to the end of her tether with me and snapped?