As I have known for a long time, life is always full of learning experiences. This week I learnt:-
- I won’t make a good woman;
- Wanting killer heels is best left as an unfulfilled desire;
- Charity shops smell of old people; and
- Machines can really embarrass you.
It was off to Windsor, as our friend Lisa had booked us tickets for The Rocky Horror Picture Show. There had been a bit of a debate between Mrs B and me as to whether we should dress up. Mrs B was not keen, while I felt it would add to the sense of fun. For those of you who don’t know, The Rocky Horror Picture Show tanked when it first came out in the early 80’s. It was saved from obscurity when it built up a cult following based around audience participation, with people dressing up as characters from the show, shouting out the dialogue and using props for interaction. There is even a peculiar RH etiquette that guides which props should be used when viewing the film version and which ones for the stage show. People going to see the show for the first time are known as RH Virgins. Despite having seen the DVD, Mrs B and I were still classed as RH Virgins. Most virgins only dip their toe in the water and dress relatively conservatively. I, however, have never been one to hold back –
I can report that the show was fantastic fun. Poor old Mala and Craig, friends of ours who had come along, got a bit more than they bargained for but after the initial shock they managed to join in and are still talking to me (even if it is through the letterbox of a securely locked door.) Christopher Biggins (yes he was in the original film as a party goer) was brilliant in the role of the Narrator and took the audience’s heckling in good spirit. One guy in the row in front of us even stood up and stripped down to his white vest and pants at the same time as the rather square character of Brad was stripped to his, on stage.
So you get the picture, the whole thing was done with a great sense of fun and much tongue in cheek, that is until the actor playing Frank n Furter cracked, part way through the second half, and screamed out after one too many heckles:
“Twatt time is over buddy; it’s time to leave it to the Professionals.”
Honestly, so uncalled for!
I really wish I had shouted out “OK then. Bring out the professionals!”…………… but I was so shocked at his uncalled for onslaught that I hesitated and the moment was gone….
I may have lost my dignity (what little I had) in the theatre that night but had so much fun in the process that I don’t care. Mrs B, who really was not keen to dress up initially, is already planning her costume for next time, as well as making suggestions for me. What a turn around… Before I leave you with the true pictorial horrors of the night, I have to thank Mrs B and our friend Mala for doing my make up….They are available at an unbelievably cheap rate considering what a transformation they made of me - from absolutely gorgeous (let a man dream) to truly grotesque (you can't argue against this one). A big hand for Mrs B and Mala….
I won’t make a good woman - Now this is hard for me to take. It’s not that I have any desire to be a woman but I do like to make the best of everything I do. It came as a shock therefore and quite a disappointment that me as a woman would probably be classed as, at least, a “50 pinter”. Please note that anyone who does not feel nauseous after seeing some of this week’s pictures (I’m not talking about Mrs B who looks as hot as ever) should probably leave the BlackLOG immediately and seek psychiatric help. Anyone who feels even slightly turned on (really?) needs a cold shower, psychiatric help and a damn good kicking, to knock some sense back into them or alternatively you might need the services of a really good optician and possibly a white stick and labrador.
Wanting killer heels is best left as an unfulfilled desire – Fortunately I could not find any killer heels to fit me, so I made do with some big hiking boots. The male members of the audience who did manage to track killer heels down lasted about 10 minutes before they were crippled and hobbling around in agony.
Charity shops smell of old people – Mostly dead old people. I was trying to get some glittery high heels and so was prepared to put up with the smell in my quest. In one particularly stinky shop, there was a fantastic glittery red pair that Dorothy would have sold Toto for cat food in order to own them, but fortunately (see above) they were about 5 sizes too small for my delicate sie 10’s. I probably should have done what Cinderella’s ugly sisters did and cut my toes off. Maybe next time.
Machines can really embarrass you – I will now try and bring you back down to earth after the shock of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with:
The cruelty of electronics
Our Virgin Media box kept freezing on us, so after re-booting it umpteen times as well as unplugging and leaving it for 45 seconds before re-booting it yet again, whilst hopping on one leg in fishnet stockings (they were left over from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the Virgin Media help line thought it might help), all of which failed to improve matters, Virgin Media sent an engineer. He arrived within an hour, most impressive. I checked the box about 20 minutes before he arrived, because there is nothing worse than an engineer coming out and finding nothing wrong. The engineer arrived and, of course, the Box worked perfectly. He fiddled about with it for an hour, told me that there was nothing wrong with the box. I had to agree, it was indeed working perfectly. He left.....and 20 minutes later the box froze....Aaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!
Me - "You utter, utter, complete and utter bastard."
Box - nothing
Me - "Do you know how embarrassing that was?"
Box - continued to say nothing
I unplugged it and left it for a couple of hours - I was very tempted to drop kick it out the door.
Sky one Player
As a result of the unoffical strike and subsequent work to rule by the Vigin Media box, we had managed to miss a couple of episodes of House. No problem I thought, that's what “On Demand TV” is for. Only problem I discovered was that Sky programmes are not available on demand for Virgin Media customers. Searching around the internet I found a couple of opportunities to watch the latest show. One of them was even free if I was prepared to complete a couple of online surveys. OK, how bad could that be? 20 minutes later and with the surveys going from strength to strength and showing no signs of coming to an end this side of Christmas, I decided to abandon the idea. I then tracked down Sky player – Sky’s online version of On Demand. I found the House episodes that we had missed and optimistically hired them. When I went to play them, I got the message:
“Your PC is not authorised to play this content.”
Me - "OK, how do I authorise it?"
After searching around the Sky player site I found a little note:
“Your PC will be authorised once you play your first purchase.”
Only it won't as your PC is not actually authorised to play anything until you have played something which it can't actually play because the PC is not authorised to do so..... I'm sure this is how mass murderers get started - through sheer frustration.
I called the helpline. They were predictably less than helpful; especially once they found out I was not a Sky subscriber. I did point out that you didn't have to be a subscriber to use the player. They took me through, step by step, the procedures that I had already read on their website and put into action. They then sent me a copy of those same instructions by email.......At this point I gave up, House could wait until the DVD gets released..... About two hours later, however, someone called me from Sky Player and told me the top secret “tell you and we might have to kill you” missing instruction I think they must have wiped my mind afterwards as I can't for the life of me remember what they were. It now works perfectly. Why don't they just add the top secret bit to their website instructions in the first place?
Discovering Mrs B is Hairist
I was having difficulty persuading Mrs B to see Kasabian with me. She claimed she didn't like the music, yet whenever I subliminally played any of their songs she happily listened until I toldl her who was playing. At which point she suddenly became less keen. Eventually she caved and agreed to go and guess what? She loved it. She loved it so much that for the next few days that was all that she played. After a bit of research I found out what the problem was, Mrs B had seen an old picture of the group with long lanky hair and it has put her off. When Kasabian came on stage, however, they had all had haircuts and so proved presentable to Mrs B. The Arctic Monkeys have, for the opposite reason, fallen out of favour after growing their hair…..
Well done for getting through this week’s BlackLOG which I suspect was as traumatic for you as it was for the people of Windsor, who witnessed far too much of my flesh than they would have liked. For the record, yes I did this sober. This is probably just as well because how bad could it have been if I had been bladdered….? I just need to work on my muscles (or purchase a Mr. Muscle body suit) and next year it will be a pair of Rocky’s skimpy, gold hot pants and nothing more. You can start praying (or petitioning) now to prevent it happening.
I'm afraid that for a second week I have left my reward from Gingerella unwrapped and in the loo- I will get around to opening it soon, honest ..... what do you mean you want to take it back....
There is also no room to include an update on your porn names this weeks, so if you have not done so already pass it on….You know you want to
‘Til next week if you are still with me…..Let's face it I obviously need all the support and help that I can get