Bringing the murky underworld of comments to the surface

Before I start this week's BlackLOG I have a question to those of you who post blogs almost daily, are you taking Blogagra? (a writer's version of a little blue pill that helps bloggers get their posts up...) I struggle to find the time and inspiration to post once a week.....

McG helps Mrs B Edit the BlackLOG.  Mrs B has that
glazed expression that tells me she is having a busy
time.  McG is giving me a very disapproving look.

The murkey underworld of comments
As it has been a fairly slow week I thought I would highlight an area of Blogging that is often overlooked - the comments section. Personally I feel some peoples' best work takes place deep below the surface. For those of you who only read the BlackLOG in the hope of some car crash writing, my comments on the BlackLOG and other Blogs are completely without the aid of a Mrs B safety net.

There are different approaches that Bloggers take to comments :-

• Some embrace them and attempt to reply to each one.
  
•  Some occasionally make a trip down there and might make the odd remark.
  
• While others seem to treat the area like a no go zone. The ones in this category that I really find amusing are the ones that beg people to make a comment at surface level, but when you get down there you see that they have never responded to a single comment in their bloglife. I say to them "Reap what you sow my friends….."

My feelings on comments

•  They demonstrate that people out there are taking an interest in what a blogger is writing
  
• If someone has taken the trouble to write a comment I feel it is only fair for a blogger to acknowledge the effort that the reader has made - I guess if I was getting 100’s of comments on my posts I might take a different track but currently I’m receiving enough to make me feel warm and wanted but not enough to feel resentful.
  
• The comment count is just a number, what really makes a difference is the quality not the quantity

You don't have to be a blogger to be able to comment or even identify yourself – one of my regular commenters ,IMO, does not have a blog, which is a real shame because from the comments that she makes I think she would make a great blogger. Perhaps one day..

For those of you who have not ventured into Comment World, you have missed out on my being threatened with legal action by the owner of From the Inside...Out.......

Dear Mr. BlackLOG (If that is even your real name)

As attorney for Ms. Kathryn Wonderwoman, I must ask you to cease and desist with this barrage of negative connotations with regards to the facsimile in the fastidious nature of your use of the terminology with which you refer to her in any way, shape or form as being a bickerer. (As I charge her $25.00 usd per word, I needed to make a long point here.)

She said something more like "He's pissing me off. He's calling me names. I still didn't even get my blood sample."

Sincerely and with the most affection one can presume and still stay on the side of propriety,

The Big, Bad American Lawyer.

------------------------------------------------

Kathryn, I have instructed Bicker, More, Bickering and C-Ewe Ink-Hort (Solicitors to the formerly rich) to act for me and contact you through From the Inside...Out. These guys don't take prisoners and have already served me a writ for taking too many steps on their new carpet...Sorry that it has come to this.

Dear Kathryn Wonderwoman (like that’s your real name, our guess is it is Shaz Wonderwoman) On behalf of our client Mr. BlackLOG we laugh in the face of your rather cheap lawyer letter ($25.00 dollars a word, where did they get their qualifications, off the internet? ) with our £1000 per letter + £2,000 for each capital, space and punctuation. You are charged with :-

Making wild allegations that Mr. BlackLOG is insane. Our client feels this is very harsh on the insane. (We have been looking to round up as many of them as we can, to file a class action against you for defamation of their individual character (in some cases multiple characters...) .

Being loud & New Yawkee – Since our client moved into the basement of “From the inside…Out” you are guilty of putting in a hard floor and stomping – yes STOMPING in 4” killer heels (sometimes 3 pairs at a time). Driving a loud and annoying car – I quote your very words “When my neighbor mentioned the other day that she can tell every time I come down our hill by the incessant s-q-u-e-a-k of my car”

Cruelty to haemophiliacs – with your constant demand for blood samples. While our client is not currently a haemophiliac, he has aspirations, after all many of his royal family are haemophiliacs and although he is not a huge fan of said royal family, he does appreciate that they help bleed the tourists dry….

Putting yourself about a bit – being all over the blogging world like a rash, with your excessive niceness and encouragement to other bloggers as well as practicing illegal franchisement within the confined environment of the World Wide Web


We, at extra charge to our client, are throwing in the following legal type jargon :-
res judicata,
en banc,
warrantee of merchantability,
statute of frauds

....for added emphasis and additional revenue.

Bicker, More, Bickering and C-Ewe Ink-Hort (Solicitors to the formerly rich)

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Dear Mr. BLOCKHEAD:

My name is Ester. Ester Finkleboom. I'm a temp. and they asked me to type you this here letter 'cause they're all visiting their client, one KathrynWunderWomanExtraordinairre who is presently in the hospital after nearly choking to death whilst evidently reading some faux letter sent by some idiot pretending to be from Bicker, More, Bickering and C-Ewe-Ink-Hort, which we all know is bullshit ('scuse me) 'cause Bicker died in '98, More's in jail for tax evasion and Bickering's been MIA since that scandal involving a case of bourbon, a fake passport and a sedated peacock.

Why the hell do you have all those stupid-funny "E's" in front of your fees? Are they estimates?? What kind of a hack-place are you running there?

Our firm stands by the allegations that Mr. BadLeg is certifiably insane, as evidenced by document R2-75J, entered as exhibit A...so, bite me.

The floor-stomping and brake-squealing have been thrown out of court as irrelevant. They may be annoying to YOU, but our client finds them hilarious, as does the judge.(See Exhibit A.) Again: bite me.

The haemophiliacs-ruse is predictable. And your client should have more empathy for those who suffer from hemorrhoids. I hear they can be quite painful in a particular area and I've heard the attorneys say that YOU are a pain in the same place. Huh.

As for being all over the net, you are obviously not aware that WWW stands for WorshipWonderWoman. She's everywhere...for if she wasn't it would just be...well, "W", and that's just plain stupid.

Please be advised that we have added an additional 5.27 million dollars to our judgment against you, to cover hospital expenses and the fact that your comment space NEVER ACTUALLY INCLUDED A COMMENT ON THE TOPIC...in clear violation of the Kathryn'sBloggersCommentAct of 2007. Consider yourself served.

Yours in the poor house,

Arrogant, Snobby, Superior, Egotistical & Supercilious.

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Dear Ester on behalf of our client

We are sorry that your client is in hospital especially as we are not there to enjoy her distress  comfort her….

Yes Bicker died

Yes Mores’ in prison – (It’s ok we gave him soap on a rope, so he should be ok)

Bickering is not MIA but still in action (oh the shame) and the sedated peacock consented to everything…The swan on the other hand is another story…Oooohhh nasty, excuse me a moment I think I’m going to vomit

Sorry about that… (Wipes chunks off screen and keyboard)

But since when did death, imprisonment or sexual deviance ever stop a lawyer from making money…?

As lawyers we admire your spin on things

The floor-stomping and brake-squealing have been thrown out of court as irrelevant – Not really true is it, the judge had them removed because they set off his tinnitus and reminded him of his mother in law's constant whining (we would ask your client to decease from salivating at this point it’s not that sort of wine….) They are still very much part of the case.

Yes Mr. BlackLOG is now insane – a fact which your client is wholly responsible for – at the start of this process our client was rich enough to be considered eccentric. Since receiving our interim bill he has now had to be down graded to insane.

As for the ludicrous accusation that the comment space NEVER ACTUALLY INCLUDED A COMMENT ON THE TOPIC – the whole comment was to do with the topic, in that our clients “Habitual Inclinations” include having to answer back as entertainingly as his limited ability allows. What we failed to add was his second Inclination, a requirement for constant music. Our bad but don’t worry Mr. BlackLOG will get a £1.50 rebate on his bill – sadly not enough to move him back to eccentric status

Bicker (R.I.P), More (Care of Her Majesty’s Prison), Bickering (Care of Whipsnade Zoo) - (Solicitors to the formerly eccentric)

Mr. C-Ewe Ink-Hort has been let go for not being interesting enough we are currently interviewing for a funnier replacement

P.S. Our client is grateful for the additional comments - they all count in the long run...

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Please note the comments in red, above, are the property of
Kathryn Wonderwoman - I am only using them as having been
certified insane I am safe from further Prosecution (but
not necessarily persecution)

OK, so Kathryn so kicked my butt around comment court but I'm not worried, I enjoyed the cut and thrust....

So next time you are reading a blog why not delve below the surface and see what's going on down there, you just might find it more rewarding than you would expect (or not if you didn't happen to enjoy the correspondance above).

For those of you who are put off adding a comment, using the excuse "I don't know how?" it's easy:

Step 1 - Scroll to the bottom of the post - sometimes the comments are there ready for you if not :-

Click on the comment - at the bottom of the page (The BlackLOG version is called 'Have your say')

Step 2 - Scroll to the comment box - add your pearls of wisdom

Step 3 - Click on the down arrow next to 'Comment as'

- if you don't have one of the accounts listed then select 'Comment as Name/Url' or you can select Anonymous (not so much fun, it gives you exactly what it says on the tin)

Fill in the name you want to use - P.S. you don't have to use your proper name (which is why Anonymous is such a lame choice)

If you have a web page that you wish to link to then put the address in the URL: field

If not you can just leave it blank

hit continue

Step 4 - Click the post comment button

Often you get a message 'Your request could not be processed. Please try again'

Just hit Post Comment again and it should post - you are on your first step to being a blogger.....

Some barriers to Comments
word verification (Where you have to type a blurred word into a field before you can comment. The idea is to prevent auto spam arriving in comments sections) - it never really bothered me, but some people are very anti it. Kathryn is, in-between suing me, running a single woman campaign to eradicate Word Verification from blogger...

Comment moderation - I didn't have a problem with this one until a Blogger that I enjoy reading decided to stop publishing my comments. I thought we had opened up a good rapport, until three comments I made did not appear. I emailed him to ask what the problem was but got nothing.  He continued to publish other peoples comments.

I like to console myself that they felt threatened by my awesome bloggerness but in truth they are probably a far better blogger than I will ever be. I decided that there was no point getting wound up about it, so have decided to leave them to it .   It is after all their blog and they can do what they want, just as it's my right to no longer visit them. After all  there are millions of fantastic blogs out there....

P.S. don't get any ideas, feel free to visit other blogs, this is not a dictatorship but you know you want to stay with the BlackLOG in the long run....

Horrific discovery of the week.
A colleague at work revealed that his favourite film of all time was :-

No not Star Wars - what universe is he living in?

Not Withnail & I -He must have been drinking again

Not The life of Brian - was he having a laugh?

Not The Shawshank Redemption, - people have been sent down for suggesting less

Not even One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - was he pretending to be mental?

His No.1 film of all time, of all the films that have ever made is Polar Express. (sorry I had to whisper that, I could not bring myself to say it out loud).   To me this is a film devoid of any action, with no deaths, no unnecessary swearing (so no Eddie Murphy, which is in my opinion the only saving grace for the film....) in fact no redeeming features (other than the formentioned lack of Murphy).  It might even make it to the top of my most bland film of all time list....

His attempted defence for putting the film into the No.1 slot

"It contains moments of mild peril"
yes if you are four....

I decided against asking for the rest of his top 10....I have already had to clear up chunks earlier in this Blog and  don't want to have to do it again .

The ghost of Halloween past
Having done nothing of a Halloween nature this year, I thought I would share with you a Blog from a few years back. Ok so it's a repeat (or second chance if it makes you feel better) but this was only originally sent to a select few and in the spirit of fairness I don't see why they have to suffer alone...

Since I have nothing else in stock that is suitably Halloweenie,

Mischief agreed to dress up like a Witch's cat for me.....

So step into my TimeBLOG (patent pending) while I take you back a few years .......
Saturday was party night as Mrs B and I went over to Windsor to see my sister and her tribe. The kids were all set-up to play Halloween party games so it was only polite that I should join in, unfortunately after I thrashed them at eating the donut off the string game, I was banned from further participation - so much for teaching under 10's the concept of defeat.

It was just as well though as I did not fancy half drowning myself in an effort to eat health food. (I thought apples were for eating, not bathing with). My sister then decided to play around with the formula for the flour and sweet game, with the type of meddling that would not appear out of place in the Whacky Races. Instead of having one flour mound with a sweet in the middle and 4 half crazed kids* carving great swathes out of the flour, in an effort to force one of the others into toppling the sweet from its lofty position.

* looking like over indulgent coke addicts ready to snort the white lines down the middle of a road

The  original version has the great advantage of taking only minutes, my sister, bless her, had the bright idea of spinning it out. So out came 4 flour mounds, one for each kid (note none for me), along with instructions to take it in turns cutting away at their own flour heap, the winner being the child that has the last sweet still in place. What my sister had failed to take into account is the ability for small kids to shave minute particles of flour on each go, particularly when their bed time is looming. As you can imagine, this version took hours and everyone, including the kids, had lost interest in the result long before the end.

Having been out celebrating Halloween on Saturday night I completely forgot that Monday was actually the night that all the little tykes around our way chose to come visiting, threatening grievous bodily harm on anyone foolish enough not to supply them with enough sugar to keep them climbing the walls of their parents’ house for a good week or so. In general, I’m all for it, the more E numbers you can get into the little buggers the less opportunities and inclination their parents will have to produce more of the little ASBO candidates for future years. Plus it’s a particularly good excuse to stock pile enough sweets to see me through to Christmas.

I found myself alone in the house** with an empty candy jar and two missing cats. It was like a scene out of a bad Zombie movie (Before any one says, all Zombie movies are bad, I recommend you see "Shaun of the Dead") as out of control little people wondered aimlessly around the streets.

** Mrs B taking the sensible precaution of working extra late

I tried the trick of hiding under the kitchen table with the house lights out, but the constant knocking and cackling (plus the discovery that the cats had got there first and were in no mood to share this particular bolt hole) eventually drove me out of the house and off to the health club for a circuit session*** . My body has still not got over it. Next year I shall try a different tack and invest in a pair of finest quality ear muffs while I hunker down and attempt to eat my own body weight in sweets. This just leaves the problem of avoiding the very same bunch of snotty nosed Stepford children, for the next week, only they are now hyper on candy and demanding £20 for the Guy****, well that's inflation for you.

*** Foolishly I still had the roof down on the car, which meant I could not afford to stop and was forced to roar out of the garage leaving in my wake a mixture of enraged toddlers clutching their bags of swag and fearful parents counting up the number of sleepless nights their little treasures were collecting towards.

**** which will probably turn out to be some poor trussed up neighbour,who neither had the sweets or sense to get out while he still could. There, but for the grace of a fast getaway car, could have been me.

Perhaps the length of my Blogs and their random nature is why I should not try Blogagra..... Imagine this on a daily basis.... I shudder to think how much therapy regular readers would need after just a couple of days....

Have  a good week