Friday, 27 November 2009

Getting in touch with your inner Tranny


The opening of the Rocky Horror Picture show which
seems like a good place to start this weeks pictures

As I have known for a long time, life is always full of learning experiences. This week I learnt:-
  • I won’t make a good woman;
  • Wanting killer heels is best left as an unfulfilled desire;
  • Charity shops smell of old people; and
  • Machines can really embarrass you.
This weeks blog is best taken with an open mind and suspended belief ….

It was off to Windsor, as our friend Lisa had booked us tickets for The Rocky Horror Picture Show. There had been a bit of a debate between Mrs B and me as to whether we should dress up. Mrs B was not keen, while I felt it would add to the sense of fun. For those of you who don’t know, The Rocky Horror Picture Show tanked when it first came out in the early 80’s. It was saved from obscurity when it built up a cult following based around audience participation, with people dressing up as characters from the show, shouting out the dialogue and using props for interaction. There is even a peculiar RH etiquette that guides which props should be used when viewing the film version and which ones for the stage show. People going to see the show for the first time are known as RH Virgins. Despite having seen the DVD, Mrs B and I were still classed as RH Virgins. Most virgins only dip their toe in the water and dress relatively conservatively. I, however, have never been one to hold back –


Just an ordinary Saturday night out
for the Black household......

I can report that the show was fantastic fun. Poor old Mala and Craig, friends of ours who had come along, got a bit more than they bargained for but after the initial shock they managed to join in and are still talking to me (even if it is through the letterbox of a securely locked door.) Christopher Biggins (yes he was in the original film as a party goer)  was brilliant in the role of the Narrator and took the audience’s heckling in good spirit. One guy in the row in front of us even stood up and stripped down to his white vest and pants at the same time as the rather square character of Brad was stripped to his, on stage.


I know the economy's bad but I didn't realise
people were actually losing their shirts.....

So you get the picture, the whole thing was done with a great sense of fun and much tongue in cheek, that is until the actor playing Frank n Furter cracked, part way through the second half, and screamed out after one too many heckles:

“Twatt time is over buddy; it’s time to leave it to the Professionals.”

Honestly, so uncalled for!

I really wish I had shouted out “OK then. Bring out the professionals!”…………… but I was so shocked at his uncalled for onslaught that I hesitated and the moment was gone….



Twatt time is over is it...I think the
jury might be out on that one...

I may have lost my dignity (what little I had) in the theatre that night but had so much fun in the process that I don’t care. Mrs B, who really was not keen to dress up initially, is already planning her costume for next time, as well as making suggestions for me. What a turn around… Before I leave you with the true pictorial horrors of the night, I have to thank Mrs B and our friend Mala for doing my make up….They are available at an unbelievably cheap rate considering what a transformation they made of me - from absolutely gorgeous (let a man dream) to truly grotesque (you can't argue against this one). A big hand for Mrs B and Mala….


Thank you for the makeup, girls - I think…


I'm Frank -N- Furter....No I'm Frank -N- Furter ....
No I'm Frank -N- Furter and so's my wife....



Craig and Mala still in shock....



How to win friends and influence people
- I think the guy on my left felt
 he was too pretty for make up



Sometimes I think Mrs B is only with me
because I make her look good...



Looks like Philip is practicing for Guitar Hero



Rocky manages to flip out


 
 Claire and Lisa plan a quick getaway -
For anyone who is having difficulty keeping their
food down Lisa is responsible for my look this week...



"Where did you get that shade of lipstick? It's simply divine.."

 More pictures at the end of the blog
- if you think can handle them

So, in summary, I learnt why:

I won’t make a good woman - Now this is hard for me to take. It’s not that I have any desire to be a woman but I do like to make the best of everything I do. It came as a shock therefore and quite a disappointment that me as a woman would probably be classed as, at least, a “50 pinter”. Please note that anyone who does not feel nauseous after seeing some of this week’s pictures (I’m not talking about Mrs B who looks as hot as ever) should probably leave the BlackLOG immediately and seek psychiatric help. Anyone who feels even slightly turned on (really?) needs a cold shower, psychiatric help and a damn good kicking, to knock some sense back into them or alternatively you might need the services of a really good optician and possibly a white stick and labrador.

Wanting killer heels is best left as an unfulfilled desire – Fortunately I could not find any killer heels to fit me, so I made do with some big hiking boots. The male members of the audience who did manage to track killer heels down lasted about 10 minutes before they were crippled and hobbling around in agony.

Charity shops smell of old people – Mostly dead old people. I was trying to get some glittery high heels and so was prepared to put up with the smell in my quest. In one particularly stinky shop, there was a fantastic glittery red pair that Dorothy would have sold Toto for cat food in order to own them, but fortunately (see above) they were about 5 sizes too small for my delicate sie 10’s. I probably should have done what Cinderella’s ugly sisters did and cut my toes off. Maybe next time.

Machines can really embarrass you – I will now try and bring you back down to earth after the shock of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with:

The cruelty of electronics
Our Virgin Media box kept freezing on us, so after re-booting it umpteen times as well as unplugging and leaving it for 45 seconds before re-booting it yet again, whilst hopping on one leg in fishnet stockings (they were left over from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the Virgin Media help line thought it might help), all of which failed to improve matters, Virgin Media sent an engineer. He arrived within an hour, most impressive. I checked the box about 20 minutes before he arrived, because there is nothing worse than an engineer coming out and finding nothing wrong. The engineer arrived and, of course, the Box worked perfectly. He fiddled about with it for an hour, told me that there was nothing wrong with the box. I had to agree, it was indeed working perfectly. He left.....and 20 minutes later the box froze....Aaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!

Me - "You utter, utter, complete and utter bastard."

Box - nothing

Me - "Do you know how embarrassing that was?"

Box - continued to say nothing

I unplugged it and left it for a couple of hours - I was very tempted to drop kick it out the door.

Sky one Player
As a result of the unoffical strike and subsequent work to rule by the Vigin Media box, we had managed to miss a couple of episodes of House. No problem I thought, that's what “On Demand TV” is for. Only problem I discovered was that Sky programmes are not available on demand for Virgin Media customers. Searching around the internet I found a couple of opportunities to watch the latest show. One of them was even free if I was prepared to complete a couple of online surveys. OK, how bad could that be? 20 minutes later and with the surveys going from strength to strength and showing no signs of coming to an end this side of Christmas, I decided to abandon the idea. I then tracked down Sky player – Sky’s online version of On Demand. I found the House episodes that we had missed and optimistically hired them. When I went to play them, I got the message:

“Your PC is not authorised to play this content.”

Me - "OK, how do I authorise it?"

After searching around the Sky player site I found a little note:

“Your PC will be authorised once you play your first purchase.”

Only it won't as your PC is not actually authorised to play anything until you have played something which it can't actually play because the PC is not authorised to do so..... I'm sure this is how mass murderers get started - through sheer frustration.

I called the helpline. They were predictably less than helpful; especially once they found out I was not a Sky subscriber. I did point out that you didn't have to be a subscriber to use the player. They took me through, step by step, the procedures that I had already read on their website and put into action. They then sent me a copy of those same instructions by email.......At this point I gave up, House could wait until the DVD gets released..... About two hours later, however, someone called me from Sky Player and told me the top secret “tell you and we might have to kill you” missing instruction I think they must have wiped my mind afterwards as I can't for the life of me remember what they were. It now works perfectly. Why don't they just add the top secret bit to their website instructions in the first place?

Discovering Mrs B is Hairist
I was having difficulty persuading Mrs B to see Kasabian with me. She claimed she didn't like the music, yet whenever I subliminally played any of their songs she happily listened until I toldl her who was playing. At which point she suddenly became less keen. Eventually she caved and agreed to go and guess what? She loved it. She loved it so much that for the next few days that was all that she played. After a bit of research I found out what the problem was, Mrs B had seen an old picture of the group with long lanky hair and it has put her off. When Kasabian came on stage, however, they had all had haircuts and so proved presentable to Mrs B. The Arctic Monkeys have, for the opposite reason, fallen out of favour after growing their hair…..

Well done for getting through this week’s BlackLOG which I suspect was as traumatic for you as it was for the people of Windsor, who witnessed far too much of my flesh than they would have liked. For the record, yes I did this sober. This is probably just as well because how bad could it have been if I had been bladdered….? I just need to work on my muscles (or purchase a Mr. Muscle body suit) and next year it will be a pair of Rocky’s skimpy, gold hot pants and nothing more. You can start praying (or petitioning) now to prevent it happening.

I'm afraid that for a second week I have left my reward from Gingerella unwrapped and in the loo- I will get around to opening it soon, honest ..... what do you mean you want to take it back....


There is also no room to include an update on your porn names this weeks, so if you have not done so already pass it on….You know you want to

‘Til next week if you are still with me…..Let's face it I obviously need all the support and help that I can get






Looks like it's time to break out
your porn star names girls


Ooops - Lisa starts to regret serving
Mrs B the Baked Beans


I think Claire is jealous of my shoes - the poor girl, this
is only the second time she has met me, the other
time was at a funeral.


"On reflection I probably should have gone for the Brazilian...."



Christian looks like he came as the Joker
- did I go to the wrong show?




Mischief & McG are so ashamed that they
are currently looking for a new home...

43 comments:

  1. That has to be the most entertaining and disturbing BlackLOG ever! Love the photos of the cats at the end. Christian was eating his lunch when he read it………!

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  2. I hope you did not have to clear up Christians lunch afterwards....

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  3. Was close but Christian is never one to waste food…..!

    Looks like you had a good night ;-)

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  4. Please tell me he did not do a Mcg and eat regurgitated chunks of wholesome goodness....

    P.S where are your Porn Star names....

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  5. LMAO... you rock. I love your costume - you did a great job and it looks like you pulled it off!

    Did you throw toast? Bring an umbrella? Newspapers?

    The comment about the Brazilian just about had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard...

    As always, Mrs. B was looking splendid. HAWT maybe a better word. lol

    Hope you're having an awesome Friday!

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  6. Picture Imperfect

    LMAO... you rock. I love your costume - you did a great job and it looks like you pulled it off!

    I certainly pulled something off, I'm just glad that I did not get arrested to be honest...

    Did you throw toast? Bring an umbrella? Newspapers?

    No toast or umbrella but did have the newspaper and a lighter on my ipod (who would have known it would come in handy). Brought party hats and gloves but there was no part scene, very strange abd he did not pull the gloves...

    The comment about the Brazilian just about had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard...

    Lisa is threatening to throw the cushion out....

    As always, Mrs. B was looking splendid. HAWT maybe a better word. Lol

    Hot to trot in my opinion…

    Hope you're having an awesome Friday!

    And you, thanks for dropping in…

    ReplyDelete
  7. That must have been so much fun! I love it! You look great as a woman!

    P.S. Craig is hot, I had to do a double take. If Mala gets tired of him, tell him to send for me (lol)

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  8. Well done , You! I am sssso impressed - you guys look fantastic (at first glance I thought Mrs B actually WAS Susan...) Way to pop the old RH cherry, B-LOG!

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  9. So Much Fun! Looks like a great time was had by all.

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  10. I'm impressed and disgusted all at once...is that possible? Looks like it was a good time!

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  11. WannabeVirginia W.
    That must have been so much fun! I love it! You look great as a woman!
    Thanks! I think…It certainly was fun

    P.S. Craig is hot, I had to do a double take. If Mala gets tired of him, tell him to send for me (lol)
    I’ll put you on his reserve list….That makes me sound like I’m his pimp – Have you seen the series ‘Hung’ not that I have seen him naked, I’ll have to ask Mala…

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  12. Cynica Sarcastamos
    Well done , You! I am sssso impressed - you guys look fantastic (at first glance I thought Mrs B actually WAS Susan...) Way to pop the old RH cherry, B-LOG!
    Is there any other way of popping that cherry, head down eyes shut and think of England.

    I should have got Mrs B to strip down to her tidy whites to complete that picture for you

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mark Price
    So Much Fun! Looks like a great time was had by all.
    Some might say a bit too much fun…. It was great and the reaction from friends who have seen the pictures has made it worthwhile, luckily I don’t mind laughing at myself

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nikki
    I'm impressed and disgusted all at once...is that possible? Looks like it was a good time!
    Just the reaction I was looking for….

    ReplyDelete
  15. Crikey you've got good legs! I did manage to make myself scroll through all the pictures and feel I now need to reward myself with chocolate to recover from the experience.

    If you ever think of decamping from Virgin to Sky just a note of warning. The Sky TV bit is brilliant, however, we are still waiting for them to sort out the phone and broadband connections. Apparently these things have to be done in order, i.e. Step 1: TV, Step 2: phoneline, Step 3: Broadband.

    However, we have been stuck at Step 2 for about 4 months now. They can't cope with the fact that we want to keep the same phone number and are saying it can't be done. However, as it has already been moved from BT to Sky (previous home owners) back to BT, then to ntl/Virgin we think Sky are lying to us!

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  16. WOW. you are a brave brave brave man posting those photos...brave I tell you. it's unfortunate that you couldn't find killer heels to fit you, as I feel every man should be forced to wear heels for at least an hour of their lives. just so you can truely appreciate 1% of the hassle women have to deal with.

    I went to my first RH freshman year of college...I still remember all the words, even though I haven't been since. good times, good times.

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  17. omgosh this has to be the most entertaining stuff i've read yet! so much fun! :)

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  18. Fantastic job on the costumes but I'm sure I'm not ready for the gold shorts next year.

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  19. Well. You are very, very brave. Not for going to the Rocky Horror Show dressed that way (I'm sure you blended right in) but by allowing so many photos to be displayed on this here internet.

    If your photo shows up on some obscure cross-dressing site, it wasn't ME.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Love the blog!! Those photos are hilarious!! :) Glad ye had such a wonderful time

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  21. Imo
    Crikey you've got good legs! I did manage to make myself scroll through all the pictures and feel I now need to reward myself with chocolate to recover from the experience.
    Thank you, my legs are probably my only worthwhile feature. Well done for persevering you certainly deserved the chocolate after that onslaught. Just be thankful the production was not in Bishop’s Stortford, you might have had the misfortune of running into me in the, too much, flesh. You would have needed more than chocolate….

    If you ever think of decamping from Virgin to Sky just a note of warning. The Sky TV bit is brilliant, however, we are still waiting for them to sort out the phone and broadband connections. Apparently these things have to be done in order, i.e. Step 1: TV, Step 2: phoneline, Step 3: Broadband.

    However, we have been stuck at Step 2 for about 4 months now. They can't cope with the fact that we want to keep the same phone number and are saying it can't be done. However, as it has already been moved from BT to Sky (previous home owners) back to BT, then to ntl/Virgin we think Sky are lying to us!

    No chance of Sky, Mrs B is dish averse….Sounds like porting house phone numbers is like porting mobile numbers. So does that mean that you have been without a home phone all this time, we could not do it as our mobile reception is so bad

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  22. filmgirl
    WOW. you are a brave brave brave man posting those photos...brave I tell you. it's unfortunate that you couldn't find killer heels to fit you, as I feel every man should be forced to wear heels for at least an hour of their lives. just so you can truely appreciate 1% of the hassle women have to deal with.Walking boots with fishnets are not a match made in heaven, I can assure you….and is the world really ready for me in high heels, I think not…. Perhaps next time when the world has recovered from the shock of BlackLOG Corset-gate

    I went to my first RH freshman year of college...I still remember all the words, even though I haven't been since. good times, good times.So what did you go as?

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  23. Louisebah.
    omgosh this has to be the most entertaining stuff I've read yet! so much fun! :)
    Thank you, enjoy it while you can. I’m pretty sure I won’t be going down this path again for a while, if ever.

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  24. linlah
    Fantastic job on the costumes but I'm sure I'm not ready for the gold shorts next year.
    The wonders of Primark – or should that be Primarnie/Pradarmark. Don’t worry I’m a long way from Mrs B allowing me out in Gold shorts

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  25. Kathryn
    Well. You are very, very brave. Not for going to the Rocky Horror Show dressed that way (I'm sure you blended right in) but by allowing so many photos to be displayed on this here internet.
    I’m working on the basis that I look so bad that no one will actually recognise me. If I ever become famous, which I doubt and if any of the pictures turn up in the public domain I can laugh them off as I published them in the first place, I trust it will come to that…..

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  26. Smileyfreak
    Love the blog!! Those photos are hilarious!! :) Glad ye had such a wonderful time
    Glad you enjoyed it and yes we had a great time thanks

    ReplyDelete
  27. BlackLOG said...

    So does that mean that you have been without a home phone all this time, we could not do it as our mobile reception is so bad


    No we still have our phone and Broadband with Virgin. And I have experienced the lack of mobile reception in your part of B/S otherwise known as Toy Town. I have a friend in The Shearers, and there's just one spot in her house where you can just about get a couple of bars on the phone, it's pathetic!

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  28. You did this....sober? Now that takes guts!

    I've never had the opportunity to go to one of those, but that's not surprising considering I live in the middle of a very conservative, religious state (sigh). Would I go if I had the chance? Hella yeah, but definitely NOT sober! ;)

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  29. That has to be the your best blog yet Niel - congratulations! By the way you reminded me of Bette Davis in "What Happened to Baby Jane".

    Anna

    ReplyDelete
  30. Imo said
    No we still have our phone and Broadband with Virgin. And I have experienced the lack of mobile reception in your part of B/S otherwise known as Toy Town. I have a friend in The Shearers, and there's just one spot in her house where you can just about get a couple of bars on the phone, it's pathetic!
    Isn't that the worst option having the package split, seems to get very expensive. Also does the sky reception have problems in bad weather?

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  31. Gingerella
    You did this....sober? Now that takes guts! Damn and I tried so hard to keeps my guts out of the pictures...

    I've never had the opportunity to go to one of those, but that's not surprising considering I live in the middle of a very conservative, religious state (sigh). Would I go if I had the chance? Hella yeah, but definitely NOT sober! ;) I've had 27 years of practice and being sober comes naturally to me. How bad would it have got if I had lost my inhibitions....? The bible belt sounds like a challenge, I would suggest that you start off slowly and just dip your toe in the water like me.....

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anna

    That has to be the your best blog yet Niel - congratulations! By the way you reminded me of Bette Davis in "What Happened to Baby Jane".
    If Baby Jane grew up to be anything like me, in the pictures, there is no hope for her....

    ReplyDelete
  33. Ahahahah! Well, no one can say you didn't GO for it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Lilu
    I certainly can't deny that, Mrs B would say sometimes restrain is the better part of valour.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Filmgirl That means you went as a virgin Virgin....Does that make you extra pure or is it like two odds make an even?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Soupy I just hope your stomach did not fail you as well. To be fair the Blog coantained exactly what it said on the tin....

    ReplyDelete
  37. oh...wow....this def beats the gorilla suit!

    ReplyDelete
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