Every three years I get a medical through work to make sure I’m healthy and eating properly (like that’s going to happen….) They do various tests - eyes, heart, posture etc…
Sad to say that my 20/20 vision has slipped to 20/19. My left eye has obviously been a girly swat, up all night cramming for the test while my right eye has been out partying…. Fortunately I still don’t need glasses* but please don’t get offended if you are standing on my right and I appear to blank you, I either didn’t see you or don’t like you….. Harsh but I think you will agree, fair....
* So the plan to keep away from glasses until I’m into my 50’s is still on. Not as exciting as world domination but it’s a goal…
Damn this one, didn’t go so well. Last time I got “average” across the board while now I got “excellent”….Damn, damn, damn - no excuse I simply have to keep up the Yoga. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my Yogaress and I’m suddenly a shining example of what Yoga can do for you…..despite the fact I still can’t touch my toes after two years of trying....
This weeks yoga one Liner
Yogress - "The next pose will be intense...."
Me - "Oh, goody are we going camping?"
Yogress - One extreme death glare later
Me - "I guess that would be a big fat no then...."
This one was interesting. I had some flags against my liver test which indicated I was either drinking too much or carrying too much weight…sadly as I don’t drink I can’t hide behind that one and so have to face the fact that I need to lose some weight….McG, move over - it looks like I’m joining you at weight watchers.
I feel a bit hurt in that I workout about 4 to 5 times a week (Yoga, X-biking and body balance) and the doctor was still trying to flog me a little cycle machine which sits under your desk at work or in front of the TV so you can work out at work and while you relax….
Oh no, I’ve reached “that age” where you have to start thinking about your nether regions….It was bad enough when they just counted your nuts, in a “way too hands on” approach that I am truly uncomfortable with. So when some great big burly doctor puts his rubber gloves on and tells you to bend over and relax….
In what universe did he think that saying relax would have the desired effect…..?
I'm not sure who yelped loudest, me or the Doc, who was, quite frankly, lucky to get his finger back in one piece. I would also like to publicly apologise to Mischief after I had a go at her for biting the vet a few years ago after a thermometer was unceremoniously shoved where the sun does not shine. I would like to assure her that I now whole-heartedly support her actions and if all works out with Yoga and I get enough flexibility in these old joints I will be turning round and biting the doc as well.
I can just imagine myself in court in the future, charged with GBH:
Judge – “So what did the Doc do to deserve this treatment?”
Me – “He shoved his finger into an inappropriate area”
Judge – “…and did he say anything to provoke you?”
Me – “Yes,the bastard told me to relax…. “
Judge – “Case dismissed…”
One thing I’m really glad about is that if you fail one of the tests you don’t have to retake the lot.... So in six weeks time I get another blood test to check my liver**, …and it will be at least three years before I get probed again. Loads of time to work on my flexibility and to sharpen my teeth…
** I wonder - if I start drinking can I avoid having to go on a diet and blame the drink instead?
Yes it's that time of year again
If you are interested in my age that’s a three part answer:
Mental – around about 10, on a good day
Body – at times it feels like about 60, on a better day
Actual age - somewhere in-between…
Birthday trip - Bootleg Beatles Kew Gardens
Yet another great venue and the closest we can get to seeing the Beatles live, The Bootleg Beatles have been playing live since 1980 which, at 30 years, is more than three times the length that the Beatles were together as the Fab Four. They are great fun to watch but as a huge Beatles fan I could not keep myself from thinking :-
- Bootleg McCartney is playing the bass right handed….No No No, just so wrong
- Bootleg Harrison was far more talkative than Bootleg Lennon….Harrison wasn’t known as the quiet one for nothing….
- Bootleg Starr was so squeaky he managed to make Real Ringo sound like a proper singer
- They are so old it was like watching the Rolling Stones….
We have a tradition in the office that on your birthday you bring in goodies for everyone to share, This year I sent out the following email to my work Colleagues
In honour of my birthday I have purchased cakes (I felt this was a slightly better option than being arrested (again……) for attempting to poison half the floor with my lack of culinary skills) – I have even brought in said cakes and placed them alluringly (rather like Rab C Nesbit in a 12 week old vest) on the cabinet next to my desk. Don’t leave any - they will only go to waste or even worse, to my waist......
Top tip of the day (thanks to Marjorie Doors for this one….)
If you are on a diet just cut your cake in half…. Then you can eat twice as much and only use the same number of calories…..P.S bring your own knife….
My apologies but there are some vaguely healthy options included in the selection, as I attempt to eat healthily through you…..
You should be able to tell which are the healthy options, by monitoring which cakes are selected. The ones that are left at the end are the healthy ones…
If you find you have accidently eaten one of these “Healthy Options” try not to panic but take the packaging and make your way to the local hospital…..I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention the source…..
Good luck, these cakes will self destruct shortly after you have eaten them….
For the record not one of the slightly healthy options were touched, so the office stomach pump was not required…..
Thanks to all the friends who showed up at my Birthday BBQ and let me attempt to poison them again with burnt offerings. No reported casualties, so far, but I’ve not given up hope yet. I think they only came for the desserts which is provided by Mrs B - Summer Pudding and Pavlova. Yummy almost worth getting older for….
The perfect Birthday present
I don’t know how Mrs B does it, managing to get me the perfect gift
Was it the subtle hints I left….?
The magazines left open on the appropriate page….
Or possibly that I ordered it myself and left it for her to wrap…?
Whatever, it’s a big thank you to Mrs B for once again getting me the perfect birthday present
A Nikon 105MM macro lens….
Hang on a second - that wasn’t for me that was for The Beast…….
……..So where’s my present?
- this weeks music selection - think of it like a fine wine that goes with your meal but with out any chance of getting drunk or fat....
Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Doctor Doctor - Thompson Twins
Excuse me while I walk off into the sunset, like John Wayne (bloody doctors) and hope to catch you next week....