- Blog of War - The spirit of competition
- Nose picking - The argument against
- Exercise Nazi’s - These are not reasonable people
- The miracle that is advertising - I'm probably going to hell for this but Nokia started it....
- Follow through from last week - This is 4.1 otherwise the title is even more of a lie
- Show me the sunny – The sun is out, what can go wrong?
- Record of the week – Songs that might, in an insane world, compliment this week’s topics
- Photo finish – pictures (generally taken by The Beast) to end the blog with
Let’s start at the beginning, picking noses for your child
Should parents be allowed to select a nose for their unborn child?
Face it, many people’s lives have been blighted by their parents’ choice of name
If you don’t believe me try living your life as :-
- Richard Head (Dick Head)
- Penny Black (The name I was going to be if I had not been born a gonad scratching, toilet seat leaver upper, hairy Neanderthal, with curves in all the wrong places….Phew, that would certainly have left a stamp on my life)
- Emma Royd (Which frankly would be like living with a constant pain in your backside)
- Mike Rotch (out of common decency I decided not to go with Hunt)
- While you might feel sorry for Fred Art that is as nothing compared to his poor sister Fanny Fiona…..Please don’t make me spell it out – She was so desperate to lose her maiden name that she did not think things through when she accepted a proposal from Mr. Sack.
I can just imagine Randy’s first day at school
Randy - "Hi I’m Randy"
All the other Kids – “snigger,giggle phenarf phenarf”
Teacher – “Out of my sight you disgusting pervert ”
Resulting in instant expulsion for getting fresh with the teacher, being home schooled and not having any friends….. The only saving grace being that the nose he was born with was perfection personified and the only reason for him to live. This might not have been the case if Mr & Mrs Sod had been allowed to choose Randy’s nose as well … research has shown that 99% of parents who call their child Randy, when given the choice, would select this nose.
Then there would be that first day at work – actually, scrub that - at his job interviews
Randy - "Hi I’m Randy"
Prospective new boss -“Sorry we are not hiring at the moment”
Randy - "Hi I’m Randy"
Porn director -“That’s good to hear. When can you start?”
In short, parents should not be allowed to pick anything for their children, let alone noses – otherwise they may well be turned into friendless porn stars
If you don’t believe me check out these almost-famous porn stars:
Randy Allnightlong (famed for being very pale as he never got any daytime work)
Randy Duracell (The red head with real staying power)
Randy Limpdick (To be honest they didn’t really make it big in the business)
Randy Newman (Allegedly reborn after every film, probably just as well if you check out some of his back catalogue- I don’t just make this stuff up….well not all of it)
- Bad Love (I’m guessing he got better with practice)
- Can't Keep a Good Man Down (seems to be heading in the right direction)
- Mama Told Me not to come (some useful parental advice if you are wanting to make it big in the Porn market)
- Pretty Boy (Can’t hurt your career)
- Naked Man (they obviously grow up fast in the business)
- He gives us all his love (He’s not holding back is he)
- I Love L.A (What all of L.a. , is there no stopping this man?)
- Mr Sheep (a bit specialized and certainly not for everyone)
That still leaves the question, should people be allowed to pick their own nose after a certain age?
Again the answer is no, based on extensive BlackLOG research, the arguments being :-
- Humans are so sheep-like that 90% of people will pick the same nose – how dull would that be?
- What looks good on the dummy in the shop may not look quite so good when plastered all over your face
- Michael Jackson…… enough said
- Of the 10% of people who don’t go for the same nose, some of them may well decide that they want two noses or even more, leading to nose shortages across the world. With demand high, nose thefts would become common place leading to people being mugged for their noses. Result - even more shortages. Nose riots break out, eventually leading to a catastrophic third world war.
I rest my case
If you happen to be talking about bogies (why didn’t you say so earlier?) That’s a whole different story. Why would you want to waste all those nutrients…..???
Late breaking news Fanny Fiona has divorced Mr. Sack and is soon to marry Randy Steve, we wish Mr and
Mrs Ucker all the best in their future endeavours….
For some reason the Body Attack class seems to attract more than it’s fair share of Fitness Nazi’s, desperate to annex more than their allotted space. They are not averse to using elbows, feet and, if all else fails, teeth to get their own way. You can tell a Fitness Nazi: they are generally wearing brown or black and have acres of space around them, while the rest of the class are banded together, quivering like 1930’s Poland and Czechoslovakia.
I normally act a bit like Neville Chamberlin and just ignore the Fitness Nazis but this week one of them pushed it too far. I had created my little empire in the back far-hand corner. This woman goose-stepped in late and proceeded to stand where I was, as if I was Denmark. (Sixteen Danish soldiers died in the Nazi invasion in 1940 and after two hours the Danish government surrendered.) Begrudgingly I gave her a bit of my space (she looked like she had sharp teeth) and carried on.
About three tracks in she moved, muttering about not having enough Lebensraum. This meant I could at least breathe (and gave a little bit of additional space in case Mrs B’s goat got returned). After another two tracks she was back and was puffed up (perhaps the bitch had been off eating the goat...........still no sign of the poor thing) and swinging around like a whirling dervish. I stood my ground and watched her continually bounce off me, managing to survive my experience with minimal bruising. Mrs B is so sick of being herded around the ghetto of Body Attack and no doubt in protest of the theft of her goat she has decided to give it up, which certainly suits me.
I’ve always felt that being in a bad mood makes for excellent, if cruel humour, which is obviously what happened to Mrs B after returning from the war zone that is Body Attack. We were having breakfast (which is probably another reason why Mrs B was not in the best of moods - the Body Attack class is early on a Saturday morning) when an advert popped up on the TV. It was for a Nokia phone which was being used as a camera by a blind person (I can’t wait for the next advert in the series which will no doubt show a deaf person making a phone call on his camera). This opens up a number of questions :-
- How does the blind person know he has a Camera phone in his hands and not a packet of biscuits?
- With so many sighted people in the world taking bad photos how does our blind friend (or rather the bozos behind the concept of the advert) think that he has anything to bring to the table….?
- How do you tell a blind person that their photography is rubbish :-
The entire dialogue for the advert is as follows :-
Is it just me or is photography for the blind a step too far…..? Although I have just thought of the perfect place for them to display their photographic endeavours........... A restaurant in total darkness……
Follow through from last week
Following up last weeks "incident" - I’ve been told that I am certainly not alone in this experience.
You have to ask when car companies are going to start installing loo rolls as standard...???
Pick a part that's new - by the Stereophonics - just make sure it's not a bogie
|My window on the world|
|The way the moonlight plays across the picture – |
contrasting the dark and light just makes my
heart skip a beat.
Still not sure what it is....???
|The Beast tries using the blindfold as well|
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