The weighty issues of travel

Here’s an idea for a game show............you take 9 international travellers and set them up in a struggle of life and death (or at the very least a struggle for the contents of their wallets) with one rather grumpy check-in clerk. Now before you start  feeling sorry for the grumpy check-in clerk, as she may well have been out-numbered, she was, in fact, wielding the power of flight and thus holding all the cards. 

As all game shows need a hapless assistant, our grumpy check-in clerk can have the use of an elderly gentleman clearly suffering from Alzheimer’s (henceforth known as “The Goldfish” because of his magnificent memory retention)  whose role is to float up and down the line of travellers and greet them enthusiastically every few minutes and then act surprised when he is informed that he has already spoken to them just moments earlier….repeat ad infinitum.

The travellers aim  to get their somewhat over-loaded luggage (mainly because of the ridiculously small allowance provided – this is a ski holiday not a toothbrush and T-shirt affair) checked-in for as little extra cash as possible. 

The Goldfish's role is to bob up and down against the travellers and, under the guise of informing them about airport etiquette, actually attempt to put the travellers off their game by annoying them and creating tension for when they get to meet grumpy check-in clerk

The grumpy check-in clerk's sole purpose in life is to make the travellers' journey as miserable and expensive an experience as possible….

Despite the fact we had paid for a 10^th seat on the flight (it was as cheap to purchase the holiday chalet for 10 as for 9 and we had always hoped that we might manage to fill the last space) grumpy check in-clerk refused to include the 10^th person's* luggage allowance, probably because this would have removed most of the tension from the game and any chance of her fleecing us right royally.  

* The Goldfish was genuinely surprised that A.N.Other was a no show 

Most of the game was taken up with arguing that as we were one party we should be able to combine our individual allowances.  This tactic actually worked in our favour as the diversion allowed me to transfer 12 kilos into my hand luggage, taking it from the regulation 5 Kilos to over 17 (I may have mentioned before that the Beast does not travel light).  Fortunately grumpy check in-clerk was oblivious and didn’t demand to weigh my hand luggage.  Lisa did the old "wearing 7 layers" trick for travelling, which while effective makes for an uncomfortable journey when the weather turns warm, which of course it had….

After much haggling we ended up being charged only £15 extra between the 9 of us.  This was somewhat of a result when you consider we had been willing to pay £30 each before the holiday for extra luggage.  After initially being informed extra luggage was available, we were subsequently advised that the option had been withdrawn, in favour of charging people exorbitant amounts for each kilo over the allotted limit of a toothbrush and extra skimpy change of underwear…..I think we can count that as a moral victory. 

The magnificent nine 

Mrs B – A.K.A Penelope Pitstop,  because of her pink salopettes (which Mrs B regretted getting until they were voted the best salopettes of the holiday by the group and miraculously became a treasured possession), shapely black ski jacket and her equally treasured ski helmet with goggles.

Penelope Pitstop looking like a refugee

from HR Puff'n'stuff.

Lisa – A.K.A the Tourettes Girl – at one point when the swearing got too much and Tourrettes Girl got stuck on a tricky narrow section,  a kind French lady came across and asked Lisa if she would like her to take her skis down to an easier section. Lisa readily agreed and watched the woman ski off into the distance, carrying her skis way beyond the tricky section and down to the  bottom of the slopes, leaving a, for once, speechless Lisa to trudge uncomfortably all the way down the slopes to retrieve them.  Just as well she walks faster than she skis….  

Tourettes girl trying desperately hard to avoid

any kindly French lady skiers.....

Richard – A.K.A  Ron, after Ron Jeremy the porn star.  I’m not entirely sure how this nickname came about because I was not about at the time it was bestowed on him.  I'm 25% certain that Dickie is or has never been part of the porn industry. 

Ron building a new prop

for his latest porn epic....

Joe -  A.K.A Stunt Cock – named by Ron (OK make that 5% certain Ron is not part of the porn industry) and the co-star in the fictitious porn movie “Shoot my ride” taken from a sign-post outside a boarder park.  The name stuck because with all the jumping around that Joe does, at 23 he is young and energetic, and as the best skier in the group appears a little cocky to the rest of us mere ski mortals.

The Stunt Cock in action.

Christian – A.K.A Cannonball, due to the resolute crouch position that he adopts when skiing ….if only he had managed to knock over some people we could have called him bowling-ball…

Dr Cannonball Lecture I presume.

Philip – A.K.A Daddy Duck – After Tourettes Girl's habit of latching onto him and following him down the slope….

Daddy Duck gets a radical makeover in an attempt

to avoid being stalked by Tourettes Girl….   

Kirsty – A.K.A Jackie Stallone -  it was going to be the Queue Terrier because of Kirsty’s inability to stop at the back of lift queues and instead plough on through to the front, oblivious of the devastation left in her wake (very European) .  That was until we were playing around with the iPhone app “Celebrity look alike” and Kirsty was shown as 76% like Jackie Stallone. Very harsh, totally unfair but shockingly funny to the rest of us…..

Who would have guessed that Sly's mother

would do all her own stunts...

Shonagh – A.K.A The invisible skier – during the entire week I did not see Shonagh once on skis.  My guess is that her pale Scottish complexion makes her blend into the snow.  

A rare shot of the invisible skier....

Me -  A.K.A Pushover after Stunt Cock sprayed me with snow and caused me to topple over – see “three falls and no submission” below.

It almost looks like I can ski... 

A.N.Other - Just like the holiday A.N.Other didn’t make the Blog, which is just as well for me as it would make this magnificent nine feature a bit of a fraud….   

Three falls and no submission

Fall 1 – second day – a very tired last journey down the rather tricky black run “La Face”…I got within about 50 metres of the end of the day and my rather tired legs just buckled.  Stunt Cock  tried to console me by saying he was also a little tired, bless his little cotton socks. I had to remind him that I was twice his age and had about a quarter of his ability….My one consolation is that I can still beat him in straight line speed.  My fastest clocked time of the holiday was 60mph (only 8 mph less than my personal best).     

Fall 2 – fourth day – A rather schoolboy error,  I went to spray Joe with snow as I came to a stop and completely misjudged the move and ended up missing the ground and leaping like a demented ninja and found myself in a sprawled heap about 10 feet beyond where Joe had come to a much more conventional halt…..

Fall 3 – fifth day -  Joe decided to get me back and sprayed me as I waited on an area between a blue and green run.   I thought nothing much of it until about 10 seconds later I went to ski off and toppled gracelessly onto the green run…..I’m putting it down to the power of the spray… 

There may have been more but if there were, like the average golfer miscounting shots, I've conveniently forgotten some of them.....

Hardcore party animals

The entertainment during our week consisted of a number of hard-core events including balloon bending, origami and wig wearing….I don’t think this was a match for the group the previous week,  whose main activities consisted of drinking (23 bottles** between 10 of them on one night) and fighting with the neighbours, other guests and eventually themselves, after they ran out of other people to argue with…The Chalet hosts Tom & Joe (who were non-residential) were forced to sleep on the sofas in the living room  for the last couple of nights, to stop the situation getting anymore out of hand.

** rather interestingly the chalet rules allow as much wine to be consumed as is physically possible but as a non-drinker, I had to battle hard to replace my wine quota with a couple of bottles of Pepsi max for the week. 

The drunken skier

One of the joys of Val D'Isere is La Folie Douce – a bar high on the slopes that from 3pm to 5pm bangs out loud thumping tunes, while plying its customers with copious amounts  of alcohol, before sending them off down the hill as much more relaxed and chilled out skiers. Sometimes the skiers are just too  chilled out........we had stopped in a bar below La Folie Douce, when the rest of the bar started singing, "Ollay, ollay, ollay, ollay" and making "ooooooohhhhhh!" noises, followed by big, raucous cheers.

We looked across to the slope and watched a rather wobbly skier making a very haphazard  way down the slope. He was giving big drunken waves to his appreciative audience in between  tortuous turns  (ooooooohhhhhh) and colossal crashes (massive cheers).  He was also gathering an impressive entourage of slope-side followers who were enjoying filming his travels….

La Folie Douce, the starting point for

many a skiers descent into hell...

The bad husband

I have to hold my hand up and admit to being a bad husband on this holiday, with Mrs B's birthday due while we were away I was running out of time to get her a card. My last opportunity was when we were in town the day before we went. I was struggling to slip away and the only opportunity I had was in Sainsbury’s the Supermarket.  Only, just as I slipped into the card aisle who should appear?

Mrs B – “You had better not be thinking what I think you are thinking”

Me – sidling away from the cards “No just cutting through to get to the err…err…vegetables…”

Mrs B – Hands on hips (a la the big Mama in a Tom & Jerry cartoon but without any stocking crinkling around her ankles) and a large unimpressed frown across her face, although I think I detected the merest hint of a smirk.

It didn’t get any better in the resort and I had to rely on the kindness of Lisa to slip out and cover my shame with a rather obviously French-bought card….Oh the shame

The French version of the luggage game

Not very exciting as the French check-in staff could not be bothered to even weigh our luggage, just put everything through, leaving the  only excitement at the airport a rather tired Mrs B who grumpily asked me why I had made the ski bag so heavy, as she dragged it from the transport bus to the check-in desk. I looked around and noticed Mrs B was dragging the ski bag from the wrong end i.e not using the wheels.

Appropriately after the battle of the cases the holiday ended with a battle over Taxis.  Having booked 2 taxis for 9 people and accompanying ski luggage the two buffoons that were our taxi drivers packed the vans so badly that there was only enough room for 8 passengers.

As a veteran of a ski holiday in which Mrs B and I drove across France in a convertible mini with 2 pairs of skis and full ski gear, I was not about to pay for an additional taxi and so forced them to  re-pack, which they did rather begrudgingly, cheeky buggers….

Blog of War

With just 4 people qualifying for the event (evidently tougher qualifying rules than I had intended…it can be tricky sending those emails), the competition has been put back until the 1^st May, while I mourn the loss of my dignity.  So the competition will be a bit more bijou  then originally intended, never the less  please give a big hand to our brave contestants.

Penwasser Place

Talkative Taurus

Kitkat's Tales

and I guess me who only qualified because I live here.

It would be nice if you would go and pay your respects before association with the BlackLOG ends their credibility....

Show me the sunny

Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

KW Produced so far – 581

This has earned us approximately – £286 (Including savings estimated at £35 where we have used our own energy)

KW generated in the week – 116

Record of the week

Carry that weight - I could not get the Beatle version so I'm afriad you have to make do with the Cheap Trick version....

Tubthumping by Chumberwumba - In honour of our brave La Folie Douce skier "I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down".  I guess this also covers the Blog of War.....

Photo Finish

I make no apologies for ending this week with loads of photo's from our Val D'Isere trip.

From left to right Cannonball, Stunt Cock, Tourettes Girl,

Ron, Jackie Stallone, Daddy Duck, Penelope Pitstop,

Pushover, extra points if you can spot the Invisible Skier 

and A.N.Other..... 

Product placement without all the palaver

of that big embarrassing cheque….

Just as well I’m a Pepsi Max fan…..

Sometime later….

Damn, not even a free can.

Cannonball finally works out

why origami poker sucks.

It’s all the constant folding….

Mrs B celebrating at la Folie Douce, fingers

crossed it doesn't result in a ski of shame... 

Avalanche a sobering reminder how

dangerous skiing can be.

From my enquires the person caught

up in this fall was dug out alive. 

Tourettes girl trying to work out

 where the batteries should go….

Shonagh finally materialises....

An attempted arty shot....

 Is that Gandalf leading the way???

The view from the Chalet . 

Ron applies makeup before his big scene….  

Mrs B attempts the relaunch of shoulder pads from

the 80's....Crystal Carrington eat your heart out…

Stunt Cock, giving it large...

We checked the youngsters nappy afterwards and can

report - rather impressively -  it was clean….

Mrs B "Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!"

Please note that is not an expression of fear on Mrs Bs face,

 that is the look after fear has taken one look at the

situation and done a runner….

 

As I make a rather wobbly exit

Stage left here’s to next

Years snow adventure...

Next week the joys of Kylie and the Pigeon Detectives