Perfection

The perfect competition, almost…..

OK.  So it didn’t get off to a good start as people queued in droves to avoid entering the Blog of War… (There were unconfirmed reports that one person tried to hack off their fingers in order to try and avoid entering….now that’s harsh and untrue.  It was just a paper cut ….)

And it didn’t continue that well when only 2/3rds of the people who entered actually showed up for round 1…..(I should have taken an entry fee upfront….)

In the last round one of the three remaining candidates managed to disenfranchise themselves by selecting a blog that no one could vote for (Sorry, I feel it is my duty to overcomplicate everything, ask Mrs B if you don’t believe me….)….I honestly didn’t think it was that hard  a voting strategy – if you liked one of the selected blogs or  how it was championed, all you had to do was follow it….seems fairly simple to me.  You should have seen my early drafts…..

So, by default, we have  Lost.in.Idaho v Penwasser Place in the final…. Where they will go head to head in “The best of times the worst of times”

This leads me ask the question is there such a thing as perfection?

For instance is there a perfect song? Or is it just the case of a perfect moment for a song?

A good example of this was the heavens opening up at Glastonbury, a few years back, just as Travis hit the stage and started to sing “Why does it always rain on me….” It is still a great song on a bright sunny day but without that sudden and well timed dousing it just doesn’t have the same impact….

When it comes to a perfect instants I never seem to get my “Why does it always rain on me” moment.  Just when it’s all looking good something rears its ugly head and barfs all over my carefully prepared banquet…. Step into the BlackLOG time machine and I’ll take you back a couple of years to demonstrate….

Almost the perfect gig

In order to enjoy the perfect gig experience you need:

1. A decent journey to the venue;
2. A good parking space – only applicable if you are coming by car or happen to be the train/bus driver;
3. A great venue;
4. Reasonably priced food;
5. Fantastic seats – very important if your gig companion is cute and can snuggle under your armpit but not good for them being able to see the stage when they are standing (please note that the offer of snuggling under my Armpit is only open to Mrs B);
6. Make sure you bring the tickets with you.

So how did I do?

1. Check – Nafman took me directly to the venue. None of the usual trauma - it didn’t try and take me via Beirut, it didn’t dump me in the middle of nowhere and then decide to shut down for the evening. It didn’t even find the usual traffic jams it so normally excels in finding.

2. Check - Found a space less than a minute’s walk from the venue – when does this ever happen…….?

3. Check - Cadogan Hall just off Sloane Square. Intimate and atmospheric. None of your 120,000 "Can't see the stage from here" venues (Thanks Oasis - it might have done your bank balance the world of good, it might have been a world record crowd but in my opinion if you can only see the top of the stage it is a sh*t event....)

4. Check - A beer, cranberry juice, 2 bags of nuts and a bowl of olives: £7

5. Check - Front row gallery seats about 20 feet from the stage. The seats were comfortable and roomy too – whoo hoo.

Almost the perfect view 

6. Check – Tickets safely in wallet (wallet with me).

Now here come the bonus bits:

1. Mrs B arrived 15 minutes before the start – with her current workload, this is a novel experience. She normally arrives 20 minutes into a gig and we spend the next 20 minutes texting each other in an attempt to fight our way through the crowd to get together.

2. I hadn’t realised that there was a support act….

In an ideal world this Blog would end happily, at this point, as we enjoyed a wonderful evening……. but sadly this is BlackLOG

The fact that all the boxes ticked so neatly should have been a clue.

The non-rowdy crowd were not the normal type for this kind of gig - Some people were in suits - this should have sent alarm bells ringing.

It was only when the support act announced that he was going to play his entire new album did I start to worry. Just how long was he going to play for? I checked the ticket - it said “Roddy Frame (formerly of Aztec Camera fame)”

Mrs B asked to look at the ticket.

Mrs B started laughing and pointed at the date.

I looked at the date.

I looked at the date on my watch.

I looked back at the date on the ticket.

Nooooooooooo!!!!

I started to laugh – I had no choice. It was either that or I would have started crying.

We were 24 hours late. Numb nuts (that being me) had written down the wrong date on our events calendar at home. Unfortunately, whenever I checked when we were going I referred to the calendar not the ticket. The event we had inadvertently gate crashed was Tony Christie and since he was not showing any sign of playing “Road to Amarillo” we attempted to slink out. Typical of our turn in fortunes, we didn’t make a clean get away…

Member of staff - Leaving a bit early aren’t you?

Me – No - about 22 hours too late!!!!!!

I felt like I had kicked myself in the gonads (probably accounts for the numbness element). If anyone saw the Paul Merton trip through India – where the little Indian chap got people to run up and kick him between the legs - I now know exactly how he felt, particularly as it was effectively self-inflicted. Personally, I think he was actually enjoying the experience. I can assure you, I was not.

If you are going to crash a gig
make sure it is something a bit more
exciting than Tony Christie

In summary
I feel that my guide to the perfect gig experience is possibly lacking a little something….

Point 7 – Check the bloody date…….

You may ask why am I admitting to this act of stupidity? To be honest, it is a selfish attempt by me to exorcise the ghost of this event. No matter how much you laugh or pull my leg about it, you can’t hurt my feelings anymore than I have hurt them myself. This was the opportunity to see one of my favourite singers in an incredibly unique event. A part of me will regret this act of stupidity to my dying day.

There are some questions that may require a government inquiry to get to the bottom of:-

How did we managed to get through three separate ticket checks…..?

When will they invent time travel so I can rectify this hideous mistake?

If we are not getting time travel, what about BBC iPlayer for concerts? This would be useful even if you made it on the correct day. Want to go to the toilet? Need a drink? Just hit the pause button…..Come on boffins pull your fingers out………..

If there was a glimmer of an excuse that I can cling to for this catastrophe, it is possibly that I could blame fixture congestion. 4 gigs in ten days was a lot even by my standards.

Back to the present....or is it?
I now return you to the present, unless you are reading this tomorrow when this is technically the past.If you are reading this yesterday, congratulation on inventing  time travel and please use it responsibly ….

like going back a couple of months and stopping me from launching the Blog of War ….and going back a couple of years and making sure I go to the Roddy Frame gig on the right day. 

Please note if this blog suddenly vanishes, someone has managed to sort out time travel and I made it to the gig...For the record is was the perfect evening....

The perfect Local advert
To finish this account of perfection, I saw an advert in the local paper this week, for a new café that is opening in Bishops Stortford.

It proudly claimed at the start “New to Bishops Stortford”  and then finished with “Proud to continue to serve Bishop Stortford for over 15 years….”  As I said the perfect advert, offering not only fresh new but trusty and experience, all rolled into one neat little lie….sorry I meant advert….those paper cuts can make it quite difficult to type at times...

Apologies to anyone in advertising but isn’t that what adverts are all about, neatly packaged lies to draw us suckers….sorry consumers, into purchasing  shoddy goods that can’t hope to meet the expectation that the advert promises. 

Which kind of brings me full circle on the question of perfection….perhaps perfection once existed but now clouded in the age that we live in, bombarded as we are with lies, broken promises and being sold impossible dreams, our expectations of perfection are as high as your average street corner hooker….

Advert – some of the following claims might not be true…
Tune in next week when the BlackLOG promises to make you rich beyond my wildest dreams*, irresistible to the opposite sex**, happier than a pig in muck*** and more popular than the least popular person in the world****…All this just by reading

Small print

* Please note I may have lower expectations of wealth then you...

** Well the ones with low self esteem and desperate not to be left on the shelf, especially the ones that have gone way over their expiry date….  

*** This offer only applies  to swine who suffer from Automysophobia

**** Offer open to everyone….except the least popular person in the world

Show me the sunny
Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

KW Produced so far – 1258 -

KW generated in the week – 118

This has earned us approximately – £617

Record of the week

Perfect - by Fairground Attraction -   They have clearly not been walking in my shoes.....

Why does it always rain on me? by Travis - but only when I leave my umbrella at home or have the  carroof down....it is not a perfect world.....

Photo Finish 

Far from the perfect pictures... perhaps I set my standards to high in previous weeks



Perfect sleep position

 

Perfect diet – get someone else
to eat all your food

Hope to see you next time....