Friday, 10 June 2011

Is laughter the best medicine?

Warning!  This week’s blog contains fictitious scenes of a pornographic nature , so if you are of a sensitive nature you should probably run away very quickly …………..if on the other hand if you have an open sewer of a mind…..  

Last weekend was our Ski reunion and despite not being well I decided I was not going to miss out.  Mrs B always knows when I’m under the weather as the noise that I generate around me subsides and I go into a kind of hibernation  state…. I think she enjoys the quiet for a short while and then starts worrying about me.  Either that or she misses the noise…..

Big Ron and The Invisible Skier were hosting and the guests converged on Chorleywood - The reunion was a great success,  particularly as Big Ron actually managed to turn up for one of his own events.  We attended one of his BBQs a few years back and arrived  at the appointed time to find his house abandoned.  It was just like a scene from the Marie Celeste but without any prepared food.  Unlike the crew of the famous abandoned ship we finally tracked Big Ron down at a local pub, a little the worse for wear and having failed to purchase any provisions for the BBQ.  It became a D.I.Y BBQ not only help yourself but provide the food, start the fire , cook the food, eat the food, clear up after ourselves, leave the venue….

However  Big Ron does seem to struggle with understanding the concept of a BBQ.   He, no doubt, under the guidance of the invisible skier, managed to provide food and even light the BBQ…. only the food never made it near the  flames and was instead served direct from the kitchen.  We eventually managed  to find some uncooked kebabs and once again guests enjoyed the opportunity to do a bit of D.I.Y BBQing.  While this was taking place Ron entertained us with:-

Attempting to light a Chiminea: 
  • America - you can keep your 4th of July celebrations;
  • November 5th and the Guy Fawkes celebrations - I laugh in your general direction  
  • The Icelandic Grimsvotn volcano - amateur hour
  • Northern lights - hang your head in shame

The illumination of the century involved  Big Ron,  a box of matches, some firewood,  a Chiminea  and a leaf blower.  The heat was so intense that  facial hair,  flames and embers  were seen  scurrying for cover. There were unconfirmed reports that a number of male guests experienced the world’s first  wax and shave free back, sac and crack procedure… I don’t think there were any 2nd degree burns but there certainly were some interesting scorch marks….I guess we should be thankful  that  there was no bottom burp action going on,  the blow back would have been fatal and Big Ron would have had his first Snuff Movie.     

 Organised dance routines, some with patent pending moves, these included:
  • The hair wash
  • Driving a car
  • Dry Humping
  • The Hedgehog (A Ron Jeremy original)  

Attempting to take out the local area with fighting Chinese lanterns:

Having failed to burn down his garden, guests and house during the Chiminea and Leaf blower incident Ron decided to set his sights  on the neighbourhood.  The first lantern flirted with Ron’s house before  just about managing  to clear the tees at the bottom of his garden. The second lantern  didn’t muck around and headed straight for the branches. We watched in horrified fascination as the flames leapt around the branches and just at the point we were thinking, hmmm it might be a good idea to call the fire brigade, the flames  finally fizzled out.  

The conversation inevitably turned to the holiday and I finally discovered where all the porn names came from on the holiday

It turns out that Mrs B was the instigator – she was on a chair lift with Richard (A.K.A Big Ron) and Joe (A.K.A. Stunt Cock) when they passed a Boarder Park which contained  a huge sign stating

“Shoot My Ride”

Mrs B mentioned it sounded like a porn movie which set Richard off on one, he started conjuring up an entire film scenario with parts for everyone....

Joe became Stunt Cock
Kirsty La Terriere (she had already earned the nickname The Terrier on the holiday  for her inability to stop at the back of lift queues  and plough* through to the front – Big Ron just gave it a more Porn star flourish)

For this he earned the nickname "Big Ron" after the 70’s porn star Ron Jeremy
 
* I was tempted to say snow plough for comic affect but I fear Kirsty would never forgive me (adding to an already overlong list of crimes that she won’t forgive me about).

I'm afraid I've taken it a step further (some might say a step to far) and created a history for Big Ron and his Porn Crew....

The credits and lists of Ron’s major films:
Carry-Ron titles

Star Whores

Saving Ryan’s Privates

Putting the wood in Chorley

Raging Balls

King Dong

The Dominatrix

Invasion of the booby snatchers

An American in Paris Hilton

The Jizz swinger

Guess who’s cumming on dinner

Forrest Hump

Snow “not so” White and the Seven Dildos

Raiders of the Lost Fart

Sperminator 3 – Rise of the wood

Mary Popitin

Toy Story4 - When batteries go flat

Clash of the Tightones

The Italian Knob (staring Micheal came)

District 69

Documentary -
Marie Celeste – the naked truth  (The true story of the Marie Celeste -  the one that the Victorian history books tried to cover up.  When the ship was discovered it was not the crew but all the crews clothing that had mysteriously vanished)

All filmed in “Beast-o-Vision” by Larry the lens
Director – Big Ron
Key Grip – Peter Pervert
Dolly Grip – Hands on Harry

Starring in no particular order

La Terriere

The Invisible Skier A.K.A The Fluffenator

Stunt Cock (currently resting between shots)

Big Ron A.K.A. Biggus Dickus

Daddy Duck – A.K.A. Phil MiCavity

Tourette’s girl - (currently looking for a new Porn name)

Cannonball Thruster

Mrs B A.K.A. Penelope Pitstop  A.K.A. Penny Trate

BlackLOG A.K.A. The Blackrod

What I learned this week:
Mrs B is not as innocent as she looks

Chimineas are much more fun than you would think and add a much needed  element of danger to any BBQ – beyond the normal fun that is  food poisoning

Not to expect any BBQ food at a Big Ron BBQ.

Laughter does make you feel much better - and there was certainly a lot of that at the Ski-reunion....

Show me the sunny
Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

KW Produced so far – 1544

KW generated in the week – 140

This has earned us approximately – £772


Record of the week
If you want to hear the music you have to press play on the Ipod at the top....



Burning Down The House - Talking Heads

Firestarter  - The Prodigy  

I like you so much better when you're naked - Ida Maria

Forest Fire -  Lloyd Cole


Watch of the week
Starting a new regular section this week in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes.com.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and  Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type….
 
Xupes price £3,950.00
RRP£6,430.00

Unworn mens Breitling Navitimer Montbrilliant Olympus stainless steel watch on stainless steel strap with deployment buckle. The dial is White/silver/Navy with numeral markers and amazing complicated moonphase automatic movement.
Photo Finish 
A set of snaps that when combined in juxtaposition with some fictitious Porn film names, somewhat   incriminate a bunch of very nice and mostly innocent people – such is the way of the BlackLOG....


"Who put the wood in Chorley?"
starring
the Chorley Chiminea


Ron auditions Mrs B for a part in  "Mary Popitin"

Phil MiCavity
is
"Swinging in the rain"

Big Ron
"Some like it hot"

Tourette’s girl -
currently looking for a more porn like porn star name

Cannonball Thruster
 "Deep Throat!!!!"
The Fluffenator
Star of
 "Sperminator 3 – Rise of the wood"
Home of the catchphrase
“I’ll be on my back”

La Terriere 
"Close encounters of the naked kind "
 
Cannonball Thruster
star of
"Prep your own meat!!!"

Big Ron and Stunt Cock during production of
"The Jizz swinger"

Chiminator 4 – Rise of the burnt wood
Stunt Cock (resting between shots!!!)
 
La Terriere is "Saving Ryan’s Privates"

"Biggus Dickus"
in
"Guess who’s cumming on dinner"

"The Purple Condom of Cairo"

Phil MiCavity in
"Cock-work Orange"

La Terriere
is
"Dawn of the head"

The Fluffenator
is
“The Dominatrix”

Ron leading the dancing at the
"Putting the wood in Chorley"
Wrap party....

The BlackLOG should return to less wanton ways next week .....

14 comments:

  1. Looks like you had a good time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, what a blast that sounds & looks like and what a great & hilarious post!

    I hope the hair is growing back okay from that event!

    The blackrod - Well that's just classic!

    It seems difficult for you to call tourette's girl anything but tourette's girl. LOL

    That was really hilarious. Raging Balls - Lmao

    I really like the watch idea. That's some fancy shmancy stylish stuff.

    And A Big Ron BBQ sounds like it would make me cry from hunger.

    I love big fires, as much as I love danger, and Burning Down the House is one of most favorite songs in my top 30.

    Really great pictures, Niel! I love the fun you all have! A close-knit group of friends like that is something really invaluable, truly. I know this from personal experience too. You and the Mrs. have a very blessed life. =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oilfield Trash said...
    Looks like you had a good time.
    We certainly did

    ReplyDelete
  4. What an awesome weekend! Everyone needs more of those! All of the pictures are so fun! My favorite part was the warning in the beginning. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That looks like more fun than should be allowed.

    I hope you were all humming BawCHickaBAwBaw.

    Excellent job on the porn titles, by the way. You have a gift, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HI! Stop by my blog...I have an award for you!!!!
    http://gigglelaughcry.blogspot.com
    Congratulations!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. LilPixi said...
    Wow, what a blast that sounds & looks like and what a great & hilarious post!


    I hope the hair is growing back okay from that event!
    I’ve been to scared to ask in case they decide I need to se for myself

    The blackrod - Well that's just classic!
    Sounds like I should be a character in a “Shaft” movie…

    It seems difficult for you to call tourette's girl anything but tourette's girl. LOL
    Strictly speaking she is Ski Tourette’s girl (she only swears uncontrollably once she has planks strapped to her feet) although have never heard her bedroom voice in action….it might be even worse …..

    So perhaps she could be :-

    Skirette girl on the slopes – “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, turn, F*ck,F*ck, F*ck, turn”

    And

    Pornette girl in Carry Ron movies….. “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, harder, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, harder”



    That was really hilarious. Raging Balls – Lmao
    Mrs B’s favourite is Mary Popitin – it makes her giggle like a school girl who has just seen her class mates toddger….


    I really like the watch idea. That's some fancy shmancy stylish stuff.
    Mrs B has invested in a number bits from his jewellery section and I’ve got my eye on a couple of watches….

    And A Big Ron BBQ sounds like it would make me cry from hunger.
    You would be fine as long as you brought along your own food, cooking utensils, BBQ , wood and were prepared to cook it yourself

    I love big fires, as much as I love danger, and Burning Down the House is one of most favorite songs in my top 30.


    Really great pictures, Niel! I love the fun you all have! A close-knit group of friends like that is something really invaluable, truly. I know this from personal experience too. You and the Mrs. have a very blessed life. =)
    When they eventually loaded – 2 days later…Grrrr, you had some pretty good pictures of those evil vegetables….

    ReplyDelete
  8. Climb2Nowhere said...
    What an awesome weekend! Everyone needs more of those! All of the pictures are so fun! My favorite part was the warning in the beginning. LOL!
    Glad you managed to get through the warning, although it sounds like that was as far as you needed to go

    ReplyDelete
  9. Suniverse said...
    That looks like more fun than should be allowed.
    Come to think of it we were bumping into something, it must have been the fun limiter….I should have paid the extra for the “deluxe weekend gratification package” which comes with no limit on enjoyment….

    I hope you were all humming BawCHickaBAwBaw.
    Sadly not, if only we were it could have been even better…next time…

    Excellent job on the porn titles, by the way. You have a gift, my friend.
    Oh yes, none of those rubbish gifts like “healing” or “making loads of money” here …I’ve been blesses with the gift for creating Porn titles

    ReplyDelete
  10. Laughing in your general direction is much better than farting in your general direction (shameless Monty Python rip-off). Especially when you're dealing with fire.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Giggle, Laugh, Cry said...
    HI! Stop by my blog...I have an award for you!!!!
    http://gigglelaughcry.blogspot.com
    Congratulations!!!!


    Thank you for thinking of the BlackLOG.... but along with not running or entering any bloggie competitions (bad experience) I've decided not to accept any awards and the games that go with them. Pure straightforward blogging for me from now on ….It’s me not you, blah, blah, blah. Which does not take away from your success….well done

    ReplyDelete
  12. Al Penwasser said...
    Laughing in your general direction is much better than farting in your general direction (shameless Monty Python rip-off). Especially when you're dealing with fire.
    Bottom burping fire eaters ….sounds like the way forward to me

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can't deny that Mary Popitin is hilariously classic.

    A Big Ron BBQ sounds pretty expensive for an event that should be properly hosted. It also sounds a bit like a porno film all in its own.

    That Skirette girl response was quite a funny bit.

    ReplyDelete
  14. LilPixi said...
    I can't deny that Mary Popitin is hilariously classic.
    I wonder if Disney would fund a big budget remake….

    A Big Ron BBQ sounds pretty expensive for an event that should be properly hosted. It also sounds a bit like a porno film all in its own.
    They often say that D.I.Y works out more expensive then getting in the professionals….The Big Ron BBQ - featuring nonstop Sausage on Sausage action…Hmmm sounds a bit like a last two turkeys in the shop production to me, I think I’ll pass….I only just about managed to make it through Brokeback mountain without throwing up…

    That Skirette girl response was quite a funny bit.
    It’s just so easy to put words in to her mouth

    ReplyDelete

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