For those of you who find it all gets a bit wordy (I make no judgement if your reading level is that of a three year old, especially since the writing level here is that of a two year old) you can always skip down to the bottom for the nice pictures...
Going on Safari for most people is relatively easy. You choose where you want to go, pay loads of money, get excited about it and a few weeks later you find yourself packing your bags and hey presto you are dumped in front of a load of wild animals and left dumb struck at just how excited a grown adult can get* at seeing a wild and dangerous animal at relatively close quarters. This is followed by a series of high pitched squeaks as your words tumble out on top of each other in a desperate and ultimately failed attempt to over dramatically express what you are feeling….
Safari day 2
On top of this and despite years of intensive training she has a tendency to topple over backwards whenever I place a rucksack on her back that comes close to her body weight
- I knew I should have married that Russian shot putter. I would have got used to her having bigger moobs, a deeper voice and having to shave her back twice a day but ultimately there was just something not right about the Camel Toe……
You see unlike most people we get the dubious pleasure of travelling with The Beast and I can tell you The Beast does not pack light – He makes U2’s sound and light rigging seem like a couple of carrier bags worth…
So thus The Beast and the Kitchen Sink got upgraded while Mrs B and I watched on in envy from pleb class….
I've heard that people rather pathetically try and transpose human emotions onto animals – I’ve tried my best to avoid falling into this trap….
Morning game drive
"The only job I can get in this damned recession is
as a lookout. I don’t feel guilty it’s not like those
banks can’t spare the cash…."
Despite a brave attempt the entire Herd family
missed their Impala Airways flight when they got
distracted by the duty free…
The Impala Airways stewardess went that extra mile
during the flight safety briefing by not only showing
where the emergency exits were but actually
demonstrating how to use them…
|Redbilled oxpecker to rhino |
"Can I have a word in your shell like?"
|Elephants can eat between 250 to 300 Kilo's a day|
That is one hell of a weekly shopping bill...
Just the Springbok fullback to beat
but word was he was fast
The referee had no option but to award a penalty try
after the Springboks continued to collapse
the scrum on their own line….
Dyson are thinking of launching a new range
of vacuum cleaners called the Warthog
which will hoover up everything…
|A blue starling in flight|
A leopard tortoise stalking its quarry…
it’s probably just as well lettuce does not move that fast…
Where things start to get a little bit friskier...
Impala courtship exposed
|1 of 2|
"She's mine I tell you..."
"Not a chance I saw her first"
2 of 2
"I don't know about you but I find all this
aggression rather tiresome"
“That’s easy for you to say, I haven’t had any
for ages. I’m so desperate that if he
can still get it up I’ll even take the loser…”
|"OK which joker put super glue on the grass?"|
|1 of 2|
Sydney - the world’s only zebra sex therapist
“Harold for pity's sake calm down and try and
remember the picture from your Zebra Sutra book
It’s Zebra fashion all the way, none of that
fancy human stuff for us…….”
2 of 2
"Better but I suggest you aim a little lower son
otherwise she’s gonna kick your knackers off"
A zebra doing an impromptu performance, playing
the part of Mrs B, doing an impression of a gazelle
being shot by an elephant gun….
|The start of the Impala 100 metre dash.|
The winners get to live another day
while the losers get to dine with the Lion family....
Today's casebook, Leo's having trouble getting it on with his new lady friend and to make things worse he fears she's being influenced by her lesbian best friend.
|1 of 5|
"Damit Leo that's my tail... "
|2 of 5|
Leo - "It's not as if I did it deliberately"
|3 of 5|
"It's OK honey I told you
he was a beast."
|4 of 5|
"I suppose a quick shag is out of the question then?"
|5 of 5|
“I’m telling you girl you don’t need them”
“But I want to have my own cubs”
"We could adopt or even go for artificial
insemination, my aunt used a Zebra Baster….”
Skulking in the bushes
“I Knew it….”
So I said to that vampire -
“You think you suffer from an overbite problem?”
"I'm actually a leopard trapped in an Impala's body..."
|"Is it just me or are you feeling horny...."|
|Spot was hacked off, how could his parents be so cruel??|
"Pack your trunks guys we're going on holiday…"
"Don’t talk to me, I’ve been
informed that the Last Jumbo
Jet flight out of here has just
I make no apologies for some of the lamest jokes in the world- feel free to try and see if you can do any worse….