Sunday, 17 February 2013

Social Comment and a new keep fit programme is launched

Poor Mrs B has been in the wars – she popped into hospital for a fairly routine op to remove a small lump (No not me, I’m classed as a large lump) and came out looking like she had gone a couple of rounds with a world heavy weight boxing champion. After going for a wander in the middle of the night, too soon after the general anaesthetic, she managed to feint…..

fortunately her glasses and face broke her fall

– Ouch …

Don’t worry, she is on the mend, although she is extremely grateful that she doesn’t suffer from hay fever, thanks to the number of flowers that have been arriving – The front door has been like Heathrow airport at times, with flower delivery vans stacking around the house waiting for the opportunity to make their final delivery approach…..

Social comment
I had a request to bring back the “Show Me The Sunshine” section – cataloguing our way to a small fortune* through our investment in Solar Panels. Since our panels are currently suffering from S.A.D (Seasonal affective disorder) it is too depressing to report, as we watch our investment burn (if only, any sort of heat would be a blessing at the moment) a hole in our pockets. Still it was always a long term investment and we still have a contract for another 23 years….

* Reminds me of the old joke – “How do you create a small fortune – start with a large one and let me invest it for you….”

So instead I am launching a new section which allows me to make wild and sometimes outrageous statements on the understanding that “It’s just my opinion”. I might have to put a lawyer on a retainer – Sis you’re not doing much at the moment so you have got the job – As long as you can find your Guildford Law school graduation certificate – I don’t want anyone dodgy……While I have known you all my life there were a couple of years before I arrived that I can’t account for (this is possibly a very unsubtle way of getting it out there that you are my “older” sister).

In honour of this I’m also rebranding the comments section of the BlackLOG as “Your Social Comment” - go on knock yourselves out.

Casting my eye around the universe what shall I start with…..?

Let me see….

Middle lane drivers….

Smokers who huddle around doorways and force you to breathe in the vile stench …….

People who don’t acknowledge you when you hold a door open for them……

Choices, choices, choices……

Hmmmm……

Oh, I Know

Argos

I hate Argos** (The Shop, not to be confused with Argo the film, which has proved a bit of a surprise and a triumphant return for Ben Affleck, who in my opinion has not done anything worthwhile since Goodwill Hunting). For those of you outside of the UK (or too posh to use the high street) Argos is a retail shop that makes you feels like you are in a Bookies. Instead of selecting items off shelves you flick through a catalogue (a bit like a racing form book). You then fill out a form (like a betting slip) with one of those quarter size pens that only exist in Bookies (and Argos). You then take your betting slip up to the counter and place your bet make your payment. You are given a slip with one of three zones on it - A, B or C - and have to make your way over to the correct collection point. The Item you selected appears on a conveyor belt and is delivered (if you are lucky) to the correct zone. The wait can seem interminable, especially as you will be waiting around with lots of people in shell suits and slippers – It’s like being in the green room of the Jerry Springer or Jeremy Kyle show.

** Sadly sometimes the only place you can get something quickly is Argos

I came up with a great way of avoiding waiting around with the “guests” – I put my order in and then went out and had a coffee. The plan was to stroll back in, go directly to the counter and get out quick…..only the Jeremy Kyle henchmen Argos servers had other ideas…. I think they worked out what I had done and left me hanging for twice as long as usual before they strolled over to look at my ticket and even then they pretended that it hadn’t appeared on the magic belt yet.

That taught me a couple of valuable lessons –

Learn to wait for things and never use Argos (or Ikea*** for that matter) again…..

*** Where you queue to get into the car park, queue to get into the shop, queue to look at the items, queue to pay for the item, queue to exit the building, queue to queue to exit the car park ….put the bit of flatcrap together and then shortly afterwards queue to deposit it at the recycle centre that used to be a dump but has now gone all upmarket on us and requires a doctorate (in putting square circles in triangular holes…) to work out which bin everything should go in…

Is it OK to?
I created my first and possibly only tweet this week, when I tweeted Channel 4’s Last Leg’s “Is it OK?” section.

BlackLOG65 - "Is it OK for Oscar Pistorius to fall back on a 'Blade Runner' defence and claim he thought  Reeva was a replicant….?"

The show for once (and probably quite rightly) decided to take the moral high ground and not include any OP jokes…

Not for the first time I find my comedy timing was off and explains why, other than because I’m not particularly funny, I’m not a comedian….
So I guess the answer to the question is a larger than life “No”….

In honour of the show (which is well worth watching by the way), other Is it OK’s in Mr and Mrs B’s world this week:

  • Is it OK to claim that Mrs B was in hospital for a face job?
Absolutely not

  • Is it OK to claim that I’ve been beating her again?
No – because:

1). If I had beaten her it would be the first time; and
2). She would kill me – she can be quite feisty if provoked.
  • Is it OK to try and get your overweight cat to exercise by tempting him with food….?
 This is a tricky one – while it is great to see McG moving about
 – the effort he expends to get the food is minimal. See Photo Finish
(which has been re-branded for this week as 'The Last Picture Show'
as it is video and not photographic) below as evidence.

The Last Picture show

video
 The Kittyball workout

The Kittyball workout is the result of years of extensive research and development (i.e McG has taken years to work out how to get a treat out of the ball).

It should not be attempted by the faint hearted (Was Mrs B’s face plant a result of the anaesthetic or was it a sneaky go on McG’s Kittyball)

It should not be attempted without first paying large sums of money to the developers of this Programme “BlackLOG lose your pounds, dollars sense enterprises” (While this won’t help you in any way - unless you want to get your needle through the eye of a camel**** - it will help swell my bank balance.)

**** The other way was far too complicated and what’s a bit of camel spit and a kick in the chipmunks***** between friends

***** Which ironically end up looking like a camels toe for days afterwards – don’t try this without losing your common sense first

Hope to see you next time....

12 comments:

  1. dear Mr & Mrs B. Cheer up the Mrs by having a look at my blog and seeing the owl photo. Hugh tried to ring to see how the lovely lady is, you are not in. *sigh*. Will try again soon. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great Owl Picture to dangle in front of poor Mrs B, trying to tempt her up-to deepest darkest Lincolnshire.....

      Delete
  2. Hope Mrs B recovers quickly.

    I tried to find you on Twitter, but alas, you've already gone out on a high.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs B is in full recovery mode thank you...

      If being hidden in the darkest hole that twitter could find me is going out on a high, I must be more successful than I thought....

      Delete
  3. You mean Ben Affleck WASN'T good in 'Daredevil'?
    Oh, wait.
    No. He wasn't.
    I stand corrected.
    I really liked 'Argo,' although it made Jimmy Carter look less like a doofus than he really was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always thought JC would have been a great President, if only the power behind the thrown had not destroyed him for trying to use peanut power to drive the world….

      Delete
  4. Oh gosh, I do hope Mrs. B is all right after that. I despise Ikea, for more than just the few reasons you mentioned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs B is heading for full recovery, thank you for your thoughts....

      You can't leave it at that .... we demand to know the full sordid Ikea details...

      Delete
  5. I found your blog while researching Newark. Then I spent way to long laughing my head off at other posts. I swore I wouldn't follow anymore blogs but yours is to good to resist. May I also point out, as a proud Canadian/British hybrid, the rescue of the American embassy staff, as potrayed in Argo was actually carried out by Canadians with little or no help from the U.S.A..

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for those kind words re the BlackLOG - Was my Newark the one that you were looking for?

    Happy for you to point out how The US once again pockets all the glory... I guess as a Brit I should not complain as when we were the power behind the world we did pretty much the same....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it was your Newark. Now on my list of must sees when we are back in the U.K.

      Delete
    2. The National Trust rent out part of the property as holiday accommodation (I used to sleep in what is now the living room of the apartment) they also rent out one of the lodges. So it might be worth checking out its availability for your next trip. It is certainly a unique house, although I am a little biased on the subject....all those fantastic memories, makes me a little sad that I will probably never go back and reminds me of the fantastic people and animals that my family and subsequently my wife and I encountered there… Duchess’s, artists, authors and legions of Great Danes who were the dog of choice for the property….

      Delete

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