There I was minding my own business, suffering at the back of the class as usual, as I attempted to extract myself from yet another excruciating position (aside 1) when the large, elderly and, from all outward appearances, respectable lady in front of me, lent forward and let rip a pant-destroying (I can only assume she was sporting an especially reinforced gusset, otherwise both of us would have been in trouble), ear drum splitting eruption of such magnitude that I was relieved not to lose my eyebrows. (Parp Dictionary) If I could have extracted myself from my pose I would have done so and hobbled off in protest. As it was I had to take the full force of the after burn. Did this sweet old lady apologise? Did she turn round and help me peel myself off the back wall? Did she heck. She acted as if nothing had happened, probably hoping that no one would notice the "G-force" strain marks across my cheeks and neck and that I would get the blame for her Force 7 on the Beaufort wind scale (near gale force – "general distress caused to anyone standing behind someone in a Yoga Class"). At least a man would have had the decency to have put on a sheepish grin while he wafted his hand around behind him, excitably exclaiming, "blimey you don't get many of those to the pound....”
Best Intentions
With the best of intentions I took Mrs B's station-run car, our aging but reliable Golf, and had the radio replaced. Out went the trusty old Kenwood with its outdated tape deck and CD disk changer combination to be replaced by an all-singing, all-dancing direct link to Ipod, Bluetooth-enabled for hands-free phone conversation (aside 2) entertainment centre, with a handy little crevice for inserting an SD card and even a USB port so that music can be directly downloaded to the machine itself. Not forgetting a little screen to show you the album covers and help select the music that you aren't going to listen to, since the designers of this wonder of modern technology seemed to think of everything....everything that is except the ability to make it work for longer than 10 minutes, at which point the entertainment centre freezes and won't do anything at all. I now realise that my first mistake was using Halfords and the second was selecting a brand called "Parrot", which, I was assured by the spotty little Herbert in Halfords, had a very good reputation (I refer you back to my first mistake)..... Just imagine the scene when I try and return the sodding thing....
I enter Halfords and approach said spotty little Herbert:
Me :- 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The SLH continues to pick his nose and does not respond)
Me :-'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
SLH :- We're closed for customer inconvenience training.
Me :- Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Parrot what I purchased not three days ago from this very establishment.
SLH :- Oh yes, the, uh, the PK8200...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Me :- I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
SLH :- No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.
Me :- Look, matey, I know a dead Parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
SLH :- No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable radio, the PK8200, beautiful buttons!
Me :- The buttons don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
SLH :- No,no, no, no, no, no! It's resting!
(I take the Parrot out of the dashboard and thump it on the counter. Then I launch it up in the air and watch it plummet to the floor.)
Me :- Now that's what I call a dead Parrot.
SLH :- No, no.....no, it's stunned!
Me :- STUNNED?!?
SLH :- Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! PK8200's stun easily.
Me :- Um...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it not three days ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following the broadcasting of a prolonged Radio 4 play.
SLH :- What type of vehicle is it in Sir?
Me :- A VW Golf
SLH :- Well, that its then...it's, ah...probably pinin' for the Fords
Me :- PININ' for the FORDS?!?!?!?
SLH :- or possibly Pinin' for the Mercedes or even BMWs…
Me :-What kind of talk is that? Why did all its lights go out when I turned on the engine?
SLH :- The PK8200 prefers kippin' while the engine is running. Its got lovely buttons!
Me :- Look, I took the liberty of examining that Parrot when I got it home and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on the dashboard in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
SLH :- Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that radio to your dashboard, it would have nuzzled up to your electric windows, pressed the open switch with its little arial lead, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Me :-"VOOM"?!? Mate, this radio wouldn't "Voom" if you put four million volts through it! Its bleedin' demised!
SLH :- No no! Its pinin'!
Me :-It's not pinin'! Its passed on! This Parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! If you hadn't nailed it to the dashboard it would be pushing up dead airwaves! Its circuit board is kaput!! The only presenters you will ever get on it are John Peel and Kenny Everett. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
SLH :- Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the whole of the store and checked all the other stores in the country, and uh, we're right out of Parrots.
Me :-I see. I see, I get the picture.
SLH :- I got a Halfords Own Brand.
(pause)
Me :-Does it work?
SLH :- Nnnnot really.
Me :-WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
SLH :- Strictly speaking - it is!
Me :-In what way!???!!?
SLH :- It doesn't work either.....
(pause)
Me :-OK, I’ll take two……
If it hadn't been nailed to the Dashboard it would be pushing up dead airwaves! Apologies to Monty Python but you don't often get the excuse to modernise a classic sketch. Besides, I had to do something with my time, on my return home without entertainment. I should also apologies to Halfords employees for making them sound far more intelligent than they really are.....
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I believe this particular position was called something like the golden triangle. Many people mistakenly think it is named after the shape the body forms, while I am convinced the name is derived from the three distinct areas of pain it causes me.(Return to text)
McG takes a rest from his sleeping practice and tries out Yoga position No.32I recently heard a story about a Police officer who stopped a woman for talking on her mobile phone. When the policeman stepped up to the car the woman was sitting in the right hand seat, still holding the phone.
Officer :- You do realise why I am stopping you?
Woman :- No, not really.
Officer :- It is an offence to use a phone while driving a Motor vehicle
Woman :- Officer, you do realise that this is a left-hand drive car?
This got me thinking about the hands-free law. Does it unfairly discriminate against the deaf? Will they get prosecuted for attempting to use sign language while they are driving? What next will they stop the registered blind from driving even when they have their guide dog riding shotgun?(Return to text)
Apologies are what you offer, or you might apologise to the staff. Also They are the staff at Halfords, or Halfords' staff. Picky huh? Still can't get that counter on my blog. Can paste the instruction, but don't know where to put it. When I inserted it the text changed colour - that's not right then.
ReplyDeleteGreat posting - had me in stitches! I think going to Halfords was the start of your woes; their staff are the sorriest bunch of social misfits and incompetents I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair I went back and the chap that took out the old one and put in a replacement almost looked like he had a clue what he was doing. His boss on the other hand looked like he was having difficulty breathing, once his mind had turned to another task.....
ReplyDelete