I was a little shocked the other day while visiting friends - I was offered soup which I politely declined and instead asked if I could have a glass of water. Apparently not. I then became locked in a battle of wills over the soup; the drink being one of my hostess's bargaining chips ..... .Have the soup and you can have the water. My hostess was determined that I would not leave without soup. I was equally adamant that I was not eating the soup. I didn't check the doors but strongly suspect they may have been locked. Eventually I weakened slightly and asked what type of soup it was "Vegetable" came the somewhat triumphant reply. Well that sorted it. I explained that I was not a great lover of soup (my opinion being why take perfectly good food and water it down) and I detest vegetables. Bringing the two together was not going to miraculously produce a food that I would suddenly love.
A bowl of vegetable soup, with recently added chicken bits, ominously appeared in front of me. I ate the chicken, being careful to drain off any vestiges of the soup. I had not been in a battle like this since I was six - which just happens to be the time I gave up on vegetables. I won that particular battle by stuffing the vegetables in my pockets. Fortunately for the sake of my clothes, my hostess had dogs and left me for just long enough to put them to good use. My Hostess, seeing the soup now gone, finally let me go. Believe me I could not get out of there quick enough, relieved to escape the clutches of the Evil Soup Nazi.
Growing up - well almost
My return to childhood soup ordeal was in stark contrast to the rest of the week as I took another step towards being a fully fledged grownup. I have tried my hardest to avoid it but it has become increasingly more difficult as various milestones have galloped past over the years :
- Losing my father at 17 ;
- Purchasing my first house with a friend at 21 ;
- Purchasing a house with Miss C ;
- Getting our first cats (we are now on no's 3 McG & 4 Mischief) ;
- Trading Miss C for Mrs B ;
- Purchased our first brand new car ;
- My 40th Birthday ;
- Having my mother committed ; and
- Paying off our mortgage.
I can somehow justify all these stages, in my infantile mind at least, as not being quite enough to take me all the way towards being a fully fledged grown up (OK my 40th Birthday was a particularly hard sell, even to me, but I managed it - Now bring on the snow and where are those Eskimos? I can feel another sale coming on). Somehow, making our Wills seems to have changed all of that. Discussing what is to happen after your death has a very sobering effect. I suspect even Peter Pan would have been evicted from Neverland if he had gone down the Will route.
To grumpy old man
Wow, I appeared to have managed to overshoot the adulthood stage and moved directly into Grumpy Old Man territory. I find myself chuntering at the radio each morning as details of the latest ludicrous claim scandal from the House of commons comes to light. I've long been of the opinion that power corrupts and the vast majority of our MP's are self -serving and ego -driven. Looks like my beliefs have been justified. Sadly I suspect these criminals, for that's what they are, will get away with it. If I ever find myself in front of a judge I shall simply state " I'm sorry your honour I did not realise that it is illegal to steal/shoplift/embezzle* (* delete as appropriate )", I'll then apologise and offer to pay back these 'living expenses'. I'm sure the judge will be very understanding and let me off with a warning.
My favourite expense claim stories so far have been :
- Two toilet seats for John Prescott - the world's most unsuccessful bulimic. There are no prizes for guessing why the toilet seats are having to be replaced, I'm just amazed it's not more frequently....
- The married MP's who both claimed housing allowance on separate homes, thus living for free. - It does raise the question should MP's be allowed to inter -marry and, if they are, should they be sterilized to prevent an infestation of little MP's? Surely we should be looking at culling these money -grasping parasites, not increasing the number....
- The claim for two TV's and two video's for a studio flat.....
It can only be a matter of time before we see details of the following claims :-
- To cover the cost of paying back false expenses from previous years.
- For a third toilet seat for 'Two Jags' - or should that now be John 'Two loo's' Prescott?
- For psychiatric treatment, brought on by the pressure of having to hide all the false claims.
- For a second face I suspect there might be close to 646 claims for this.
- For a personality - I would certainly endorse this as long as the claim came from our beloved PM. He could certainly do with one.
- To replace the Gold stock that was sold off so cheaply.
Does anyone want to join my campaign to allow politicians to be given 5 years to do whatever they want in the role, as long as they spend the rest of their lives in prison, to pay for it?
Lets face it the house of commons is just like Animal Farm- once the
Excuse me while I slip into poverty and bouts of senility. Catch up next time if I can afford to keep my internet connection going and remember to post the next BlackLOG.
expenses. I feel this is legitimate as after all they are
taking us for a ride
in his expense claim for double glazing
once they finish ripping us off. i.e behind bars