Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Featuring beavers, camping,re-encatment and tears

I see that Beavers have been re-introduced to Scotland. Is just me or does anyone else want to know:-

- Did anyone ask the Beavers if they wanted to go back to live in Scotland? They probably left for a good reason and 400 years is a long time without a visit.

- How long before deep fried Beavers appear on the menu in the local restaurants?

Gig updates - Bluetones/Dodgy
I was a bit worried the other day when I picked up our friends Joe & Kirsty on the way to the Bluetones/Dodgy gig. Kirsty was clutching a floral thermos flask, which is frankly not very rock'n' roll. I had a bit of a panic attack as Kirsty is directly related to the 'Soup Nazi'. My big fear was that it would contain soup. As it was it contained scalding hot tea. I know this because Kirsty told me it was tea (I threatened to ban her from the car if she was in possession of soup, even just for personal use). As for the scalding element I worked this out when Joe managed to spill most of it down his crotch. His primeval scream was not the sound caused by luke warm tea.

The concert had quite an interesting twist. As it was in aid of raising awareness for the homeless, the venue was kept secret until 24 hours before the gig. This was to represent the fact that the homeless often never know where they will sleep from day to day. A great idea but just a word of advice for the organisers - next time don't use homeless people to collect the tickets, not unless they have had a very good wash beforehand. Being aware of the homelessness issue is one thing, having your nostrils assaulted in the process is quite another matter.....

As for the music The Bluetones were, as ever, fantastic. It's strange - Mrs B can never remember who they are or what they have done but has really enjoyed the three gigs she's attended. The lead singer Mark Morris managed to embarrass Mrs B though. She had just finished telling J & K how refreshing it was that the lead singer never swears on stage. Within a nanosecond he did and shortly afterwards followed it with a second. I think we can forgive him though, Two "f**cks" in three concerts is hardly hard core. Neither J or K had heard much of them before but really seemed to enjoy their performance.

The disappointment of the evening was the guest DJ Mathew Horne, of Gavin & Stacey fame, who was used to link the two groups. While he played some great music that was all he did. I don't know what I expected but it was not seeing someone come on stage, say hello, put on a CD and then promptly talk to the compere for the rest of the set. The only reason I knew he was the DJ was because he had a pair of white headphones around his neck. Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't DJ's meant to jiggle around a bit and intersperse statements of god-like proportions between tracks like "This next song goes out to the Harlow Crew. Unfortunately they can't be here tonight as they are all under house arrest for crimes against fashion. You guys really rock....." Well my opinion "you DJ really sucked...."

To round things off It was the first time I had seen 'Dodgy'. They were certainly 'Good enough' ,for me but I'm not sure that Mrs B will stand for me 'Staying out for the summer'...........OK, OK you can stop laughing now. It wasn't that funny and all that rolling around clutching your sides saying "Wow that was funny" is undignified and only serves to highlight the fact.

We took the opportunity to go camping in Suffolk for the Bank Holiday weekend, which was great fun but not particularly bloggable other than:

Out of the four kids (hell on earth for a childaphobe such as myself) that were there, three managed to cry just the once. Mostly through falling off bikes into nettles. I would like to point out that I was not near any of them when these 'accidents' occurred. I did manage to make the fourth cry after he hit me on the head with a stick. While there was no blood or concussion it damn well hurt and, unexpected as it was, I think I did quite well not to shout.

Mrs B - "But you did shout - very loudly!"

Mr B - "No, I spoke firmly and fairly, if you want to hear me shout it can be arranged!"

or even retaliate. All I did was point out firmly (Mrs B "or shout loudly") the error of his ways, which prompted water works and a severe telling off from Mrs B. (For me not him! "It's so unfair, sniff, sniff, sulk, sulk...").

So that's 4 kids in tears and an almost adult, 40+, on the verge. I thought Mrs B was going to slap me on the back of the legs (Where is does not show so much, she's a proffesional and knows what she's doing) and send me off to bed. I was only allowed to stay up as I was cooking the BBQ. Thinking about it I probably would have got more kudos for producing the tears if the water works had not been such a regular occurrence for him and he had been a little older than 5.
Another contestant auditions
for Britain's got talent...

WWII enactment at Kentwell

We went to a Tudor re-enactment, at Kentwell Hall, some years back. Mrs B had just paid the entrance fee and stepped into the grounds when she was accused of being a strumpet by the lady of the house. I'm assuming it was because she was wearing a very un-Tudor like halter-neck dress which stopped about knee length (very daring). This incident was worth the price of admission on its own. This year's WWII enactment 'Kentwell during the war' was on the other hand a bit creepy. The 'dress up crew' either looked like they were resting in between jobs at Christmas Grotto's, (I guess even Santa needs to eat in the summer).
Your fooling no one Santa,
put on your red jacket and
get back to your toy shop.

The rest looked like they should have been in the
'Nicole Kidman'
film 'The Others' all very creepy.
I can just about recognise Nicole Kidman,
but was Odd Job in the Others?

The weekend did bring back memories of a previous camping trip to the same site, where things did not go all that well, as Mrs B and I had the camping equivalent of a tyre blow out. We were part way through the erection (ooh err, Mrs. I’ll be in trouble from Mrs B for that one) when "Bang!" one of the main poles holding up the tent snapped. Despite all efforts to repair the pole with copious amounts of Elephant tape (like Duck tape, only larger, greyer and probably more endangered) it was having none of it (I shall refrain from mentioning limp poles, I’m already in enough trouble). Fortunately I had press-ganged my sister and her family into coming camping with us and like the immortal words of the Rolf Harris song "Two Little Boys" (yes I do know my sister is not a boy, it’s just we have not told her yet) she stepped into the breach singing "Do you think we would leave you crying outside our tent you two, step inside you’ll soon be drying*, as our tent holds lots more than you". I now feel ashamed, not that I remember a 'Rolf Harris' song (let's face it, the man is a living Rock Legend**), it's that I have played around with the rock god lyrics. I’m also slightly afraid that he might repay my rudeness by dropping around to visit the cats, ‘cause let's face it a visit from Animal Hospital is the equivalent to a death warrant to even the hardiest of family pets. (Who will ever forget Rolf's trembling voice explaining "Despite the success of the operation for an in-growing claw, little Fluffy died in recovery***, poor little fellow").

* This line would have worked so much better if it has actually been raining, but you can’t have everything

** Who as a child was not left traumatised as Rolf fiddled with his Didgeridoo on prime time TV, or been reduced to tears as Rolf pulverised "Stairway to heaven" into oblivion?

*** I’m not sure if there has been a redefinition of the word "success", or one of the cameramen stepped on Fluffy while filming yet another tragic story. You can just imagine Rolf helping scrape Fluffy's earthly remains from the cameraman’s shoe exclaiming, "Can you tell what it is yet?"

Tips for camping
While I know the majority of you are far too sensible to ever go camping, but just in case you ever find yourself trapped under canvas here are some survival tips for taking a shower while camping:

• Get up at about three in the morning; this will reduce the average shower queue from around 5 hours down to about 2.

• Don’t be tempted to separately shampoo and condition your hair, as the water will inevitably run out just as you lather up for the second time.

• If it’s a choice between the shower that takes 20 minutes to kick in, once you have put in your money in, but gives good pressure and lashings of hot water and the one that dribbles a small amount of cold water down the wall, take the one that dribbles cold water. It’s not worth the risk of being beaten to death by a group of unwashed campers, irate at being kept waiting.

Road Kill in Suffolk
I’m not sure what is going on with the roads in Suffolk, but it appears to be the equivalent of the Northern line in rush hour. The distance between Road kill was down to about 20 feet in some places with squirrels, mice, rabbits, ducks and hedgehogs lining themselves up like Lemming Pies, throwing themselves into the faces of hungry motor vehicles.

Who needs Notting Hill…
When you have the Lavenham annual carnival, with its Rainbow Princess (complete with sharp teeth. I’m not sure if they had run out of candidates or she had simply threatened to bite the judges if she did not win), followed by a couple of men dressed as women, a clown and someone in a badger suit, with a slightly squashed looking head (probably representing Suffolk Road Kill) and …….that was about it. We had guessed it was going to be a big event when we overheard one of the local Bobbies telling a motorist, trying to turn on to the main road, that he’d better switch his engine off or find an alternative route as he might be there for some time. Personally I think the Bobby should have added some bunting to the car and insisted the gentlemen follow on behind, at least padding out the parade.

There have been allegations that the rainbow
princess used threats of violence to secure
this years title. Check out those teeth, it
must be a requirement

OK, Ok, I might have shouted a bit,
just step away from the Santa...

So that's it for another BlackLOG see you soon....


  1. I was going to write something about my recent adventures involving seeing Rolf Harris in the flesh, but then I saw the last photo and actually felt jealous of the little boy. Why? Not because he gets to fire a gun, but because that sexy guy with the beard looks so caring and nice, I want him to backwards-hug me and teach me to fire a gun...

    Too weird?

  2. Blueskies2day you do get around. I'm not sure I would like to see a naked Rolf but if anyone can carry it off, I'm sure it's him - Oh god I've just had a vision of him prancing around in the buff singing "Tie me kangaroo down sport" - I feel so ill.

    I'm sensing a passion for pensioners, especially the Santa impersonating ones. I’m sad to say you might not have liked our gun tooting octogenarian if you had actually met him. For some reason he spoke in a bad French accent and smelt of stale Murray Mints…….

  3. OOh a French accent. I'm his.

    Seriously, I like my men to look like they're peering at me through a bush (ie. a big beard), and I do have a penchant for the older man, yes.

  4. Blueskies2day You would probably love the American civil war, they all had huge big bushy beards. There is a fantsatic description of one of the Generals, in a book by Shelby Foote, who was "Clean shaven save for the full moustache and side burns that came down under hid chin...

    I myself can't abide beards, mainly becuase the most I can achieve, when Mrs B is not watching, is a Goaty and a pretty pathetic one at that ....

  5. Oh I've had the gelato in florence...averaged two a day on my last visit.

    "How long before deep fried Beavers appear on the menu in the local restaurants?"... had me on the floor with that one!

  6. Nikki I never said Florence was the best place for a diet. Two a day, how lucky are you, Mrs B only allowed me one a day.....

    Those Sweaties* will eat anything

    Sweaty Socks - Jocks**

    ** I have no idea why the Scot's are called Jock

  7. The beavers won't last. After 6 months, they'll all be 3 stone overweight due to the diet of deep fried Mars bars and chips chased down with bottles of Buckfast and they'll be refusing to build their own dams on the grounds that it's not their job and the Cooncil should be housing them free of charge. Within 6 months of that they will either be dead of a drug overdose or heart disease. Makes you proud to be Scottish.

  8. LOTH I suspect if the beavers make it past the drugs and heart disease the tree huggers will string them up...


Your Social Comment

This is just your opinion so feel free to say what you like...