Saturday, 5 December 2009

Country pursuits

After last week's experimental dressing, we return to more .... Ahem ...normal pursuits.

Are you sure you you want to talk about cross dressing

It was down to Dorking for a weekend in the country - hiking, laser pigeon shooting, and loads of eating.... Because there were so many people who did not know each other, the organiser, Alex, asked everyone to introduce themselves and tell everyone an interesting fact about themselves as we had lunch.

We soon discovered someone had once procured page 3 girls for the Daily Star and someone else who had driven a car across one of Heathrow's runways (in the days before airport security was tighter than my Basque last week) and cut up a Jumbo Jet - that would have been an interesting insurance claim if the jumbo had managed hit them...Then Mrs B came up with a cracker:

"I'm Mrs B and I'm married to a cross dresser" - I almost choked on my Lunch as she pointed across the table to me. The statement was met with a deafening silence - apart from last week and 14 years ago, when I can't deny that I got married in a skirt - what can I say? I fell back on my Scottish heritage - I have not been rummaging through Mrs B's wardrobe. So I can hardly be classed as a serial cross dresser.

I appear to have unleashed a monster and it's not as if I can complain as it is the sort of thing that I would have said. The phrase 'live by the sword, die by the sword' springs to mind. On one level and after the initial shock, I'm actually quite proud of Mrs B for coming out with it. She had hoped that it would prove a bit of a conversation starter but it was never mentioned again. In fact I would go as far as to say that people actively avoided the subject. So it was either a lucky let off for me and no one took on board what was said or they had and I have been marked down as someone best avoided in the future..... It's been a similar story at work where I know a number of people read or to be more precise looked at in horror, last week's BlackLOG. You can tell the ones that have, they have a very distinct blank far away look in their eyes. If you look very closely you can almost see the tears of regret that they had opened up Pandora's box. Being typically British they say nothing, but I know deep inside they are suffering in their silence.

I noticed my Boss had 'The Look', this surprised me as he does not normally read the BlackLOG, always claiming that he does not approve of my maltreatment of the English language. When I quizzed him he denied all but eventually, when pressed, he admitted that he had, for the first time in about two years, ventured in. He assured me that he would never happen again and he intends to give the BlackLOG a very wide birth from now on. This was said with a 'what you do in your own time is your own business' type of expression, mixed with a dose of "you can get help for that sort of thing".

Saturday was an 11k hike, which was good fun but conducted at a break neck pace, in order to avoid losing the daylight. We were fortunate that the weather held but I fear my photography suffered, as to stop even briefly to take a few pictures, risked being left behind for good. We were evidently on a mission with a tight schedule and a few casualties along the way were not going stop us.

For those of you who were there but missed the beautiful countryside I managed to take a few snaps as I sprinted to keep up. This is what you might have seen if time had allowed….



Yes there was grass, trees and water


Blink and you might have
missed this waterfall


I fear colour photography is wasted on this chap

On the Sunday it was laser clay pigeon shooting which was great fun, although at times a harpoon would have been more appropriate choice of weapon. The organiser was a real character and had the ladies eating out of his hand with his Sean Bean accent and easy manner. The normally competitive Mrs B proved for once completely inept and while shooting left handed, her normal inclination, she would have struggled to hit an elephant from 2 inches. It was so bad that the Sean Bean looky likey, held one of the reflective clays across the front of Mrs B's gun with the instructions to fire when he said pull. Mrs B even failed to hit it then as she could not understand his broad Sheffield accent and so missed the instruction. To give Mrs B her due, the rain caused her glasses to steam up so badly that she would not have been able to see an elephant if it had stood in front of her. Later when it stopped raining and she had a go shooting right handed she actually scored a respectable 27 - a far cry from the 2 she scored in the actual competition.


(1 of 2) Please don't shoot me

Sean Beans Puppy - 'Nemo' For the record
his mother was called 'Dorey'

(2 of  2) I have to, the girls think
you are too cute.


Sean Bean lookey likey dispairs
at  Mrs B's shooting inability...


Is that a Canoe in my pocket or am I
 going to have to make a swim for it?



Shut up I think this is a robbery


I shot the sheriff but I didn't shoot his deputy



One of Mrs B's better shots....Please note this
was behind where we were shooting


Julia almost looks like she knows what she is doing...


Duck, No need I've seen them shoot...


Some great comments that I heard during the weekend:-

"The Vikings fought a battle close by in 1846" - 1846?

There is probably a reasonable explanation for this statement which is either :-

We misheard Alex and she actually said 846

Or

Since Alex is American and everyone knows you Americans have a short history span, I think she has just attempted to condense the world's history into the last 232 years...A bit like when people squash the history of earth into just one day, you know where they claim that man does not actually make an appearance until just before midnight.  Lets face it, the way we have treated the joint, it is just as well we did not make an appearance earlier in the day, the planet would probably have never made it passed lunchtime and if by some miricale it had, it would have been toast by dinner time....


Alex makes a much more effective
 hike leader than historian

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"You shouldn't eat fish in the country - it's never going to be fresh."

Putting it into context, we were less than 26 miles from the sea, just how fresh did they want their fish to be?
---------------------------------------------------
"Does Princess need a hand to get over the style?" - I thought for a minute they were talking to me but this was addressed to the lady who was six months pregnant - Quite an impressive feat to undertake an 11K hike in that condition, although I still think "The Beast" possibly weighed more than the girl and her six month bump combined. Oh yes, as always the camera came with me.

I'm not saying that she was obsessed with babies or anything but during the evening meal when they were taking the orders ----

Waitress - "What are you having?"

Pregnant girl - "A girl!"

Me - "Will you be wanting vegetables with that?"



Mrs B cold but happy

Life
I don't know if anyone has been watching the latest David Attenborough nature program - Life

One of the episodes featured a Darwin Beetle - a resident of Patagonia in Chile (who says you don't get an education via the BlackLOG). In order to get his end away the little wee beastie had to climb 25 metres up a tree, as his beloved was waiting at the top (in echoes of Rapunzel I think). There never was an explanation as to why she was up there (her hair was certainly not long enough). This seems fairly straight forward except he had to fight his way past every other frisky male Darwin Beetle in the Patagonia high trees district.  In order to progress our little hero had to wrestle each male he came across and the winner was the one that literally through his opponents off the tree. When he gets to the top he's forgotten the flowers and the chocolates (probably dropped them during one of his many encounters) and I guess the six pints he drank before starting out, to give him Dutch courage, aren't doing his cause a great deal either. The long and the short of it is that Miss Darwin Beetle is not impressed and starts playing hard to get. He flips out and forces himself upon her. He gets so carried away that the "throws of passion" take on a whole new meaning and after smoking the post-coital cigarette he chucks her off the tree as well. Can't say I really see much of a future in this relationship.

I'm figuring the program is called Life because that's what he should get for the umpteen unprovoked GBH attacks culminating in as many attempted murders. This is then followed up by a rape and attempted murder of the mother of his offspring. This little beast is a menace to society and should be locked away for a very long time.....I shall be giving his description to Crime watch and expect an arrest soon.

I can just imagine Miss Darwin Beetle talking to her best friend about her
first date -

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "How did it go?"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "Not great..."

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Oh no, what went wrong?"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "He didn't bring chocolates.... "

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Ouch!"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "or flowers."

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "The bastard."

Miss Darwin Beetle - "From the first moment he pestered me for sex."

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Tell me more, tell me more."

Miss Darwin Beetle - "So I said , No."

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Good on you girl."

Miss Darwin Beetle - "but he kept on and on"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "I hope you held out"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "I did"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Good for you"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "Till he held me down"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Oh, he's the old fashioned type...."

Miss Darwin Beetle - "I guess so"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "So when's the next date?"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "There won't be one"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Why not?"

Miss Darwin Beetle - "He chucked me, when he found out that I might be pregnant"

Miss Darwin Beetle's best friend - "Oh, the REALLY old fashioned type."

This conversation took place in the beetle hospital while her legs and hip were being reset - 25 metres is a long drop for a small pregnant beetle....

And his conversation

Male Darwin Beetle's best friend - "How did it go?"

Male Darwin Beetle - "I so nailed her, she was almost a virgin."

Male Darwin Beetle's best friend "Cool."


A bright beetle would just wait at the bottom of the tree for
the inevitable chucking. It might be sloppy seconds but it
would save on all that effort of fighting and wooing....

Wham bam thank you mam

Bright beetle - "Oh, yes you can take her the hospital
now, I've finished with her"

Please note that the BlackLOG does not
condone this wanton beetle behaviour



My friend Sophie said that this picture was similar to
one in the natural history museum only it had a deer
peeking between the trees. If you look very carefuly
you can see two Darwin beetles 'poking' in the trees...

Mitch
Congratulations to our good friend Mitch for finally getting his Canadian citizenship - I think the only entitlement you get is you now have the right to be tazered legitimately at Vancouver airport. Joyce - you are now stuck with him and can't send him back.

We have a Christmas present for you as well but I decided not to post it as they were going to charge us £45 to post some English chocolate (i.e the edible stuff not the rubbish they sell over there) and dog biscuits. So I can report that the chocolate was very nice, you would have really enjoyed it.  McG says thanks for the Dog biscuits, but don't tell anyone as he has a reputation to maintain in the cat world....

McG & Mischief get some cousins
We dropped into see JL, Mrs B's sister and were introduced  to Wilson and it was going to be Cuddy - I guess we know who the "House" fans are.. but her name got changed to Amber at the last minute - fans of the show will realise that this is still a "House" orientated name just not as obvious as Cuddy.  Personally I would have gone with Thirteen as a name, Amber is only a few months old and she has already dislocated her hip and one of her knees, that's not just bad luck, that's size 13 bad luck.


Wilson


Amber (or 13 as I like to call her)

25 comments:

  1. Beautiful photos....sounds like quite the weekend. Mrs. B's probably disappointed more ppl didn't take a greater interest in pursuing the cross-dresser angle...or maybe she just wanted to keep ppl from talking to her!

    I've seen more photos of cats this week....way more than dogs. I wonder why?

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  2. Kathryn Thank you it was a great weekend. The reaction was strange but I'm not that unhappy that is did not become the main topic of conversation.

    I like to think that I got a good balance of cats and dogs this week with two of each. It's the ducks that lost out with just the one shot...

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  3. Nice pictures.

    Brave man being in the same location with your wife and firearms.

    Mmmmmm, beetle porn. My favorite.

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  4. Ed I was perfectly safe as long as Mrs B was aiming at me (the trick is to get her so mad when ever she carries a gun, that I don’t get any of those warning shots, they would be fatal) .....
    If you are into beetle porn you should try “Guess what bug I did last summer” or “The Love Bug”

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  5. Those are some GORGEOUS pics! And now I see where the shooting the mean people comes in...

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  6. JulesWelcome to the BlackLOG. Thank you for the compliment on the pictures. Really enjoying using the beast, I normally get tired of new gadgets in a couple of weeks but after 10 months still enjoy taking it everywhere..

    As for shooting the mean people purely coincidence that guns appeared I this weeks BlackLOG

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  7. Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award! Come check it out at my place to accept it. :) Congratulations!

    http://serendipitous-natalie.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-first-blog-award.htm

    ReplyDelete
  8. Funny that the cross dresser comment staunched the flow of conversation. It would've worked well at my dinner table. Bravo to Mrs. B for her attempt, and balls for that matter. This seems to be a "who wears the pants" situation. I'll keep my mouth shut.

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  9. Love the whole part about Alex and the condensing of history.

    ReplyDelete
  10. serendipitous Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award! Come check it out at my place to accept it. :) Congratulations!
    Thank you. I guess I now have to do things with it. I'm already procrastinating on Ginerella's award from a couple of weeks ago. I’m going to put them both in a room together and see if they can breed lots of little awards

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nikki
    Funny that the cross dresser comment staunched the flow of conversation. It would've worked well at my dinner table. That's us Brits for you. Sounds like your dinner parties are fun. We just get to talk about the weather and how we once had an empire.

    Bravo to Mrs. B for her attempt, and balls for that matter. This seems to be a "who wears the pants" situation. I'll keep my mouth shut. Hmmmm, hardly fair that when you women wear the trousers you don't get accused of furious dressing....

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  12. linla
    Love the whole part about Alex and the condensing of history. She is still typing to me so I guess I can misquote Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) and say "Don't mention the History. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!"

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  13. Wonderful photos. Did you see Sarah Palin?
    Please accept your award on my blog. I truly enjoy your posts.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey BlackLOG...

    You've really outdone yourself this week - your photos and stories held me captivated and laughing throughout.

    My dad and I used to have 'fights' with the pea pods when we were out in the garden eating peas. He always says that the best strategy when 'fighting' with me is to just stand still because then you *know* you won't get hit. hehe

    The Beetle story cracked me UP. Love it! Could be that I'm feeling less than generous toward the male gender right now but it just seemed... fitting. lol

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  15. Bit risky taking photos of people with guns facing towards you!

    I do like the Beetle dialogue. Nature programmes aren't my first choice of viewing pleasure, but the boys watch Life every Sunday, so perhaps I might give it another go.

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  16. Haven't read such a good one for a while. Toast before lunch, that got me going.

    AV

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  17. WannabeVirginia W.
    Wonderful photos. Did you see Sarah Palin?
    Please accept your award on my blog. I truly enjoy your posts.


    Thank You for the compliment and the award (I will do something with it when I get time, that's three in the space of a few weeks - it's like buses, you wait for one...

    Sarah Palin, has she slipped into another one of my Photo's? I will have put that restraining order back on her...

    Oh My god you think Mrs B looks Like Sarah Palin....Eeeeek, I'm sharing my bed with one of those filthy politicians. I guess I should count myself lucky that it did not turn out to be Clinton, waking up in bed with Bill would have been a bit of a shock, although it would be no surprise as he does have a bit of an apatite for sex and does not appear that fussy.

    However I’m not sure the world is ready for shots of me in full Rocky Horror garb draped over the arm of Mr Clinton. I had better get that Basque down to the dry cleaners just in case.

    I’m off for a 24 hour shower, I feel all violated now

    ReplyDelete
  18. Picture Imperfect
    Hey BlackLOG...

    You've really outdone yourself this week - your photos and stories held me captivated and laughing throughout.
    At least this weeks photo’s did not have people running for a sick bucket…

    My dad and I used to have 'fights' with the pea pods when we were out in the garden eating peas. He always says that the best strategy when 'fighting' with me is to just stand still because then you *know* you won't get hit. Hehe Sounds fun apart from having to eat the peas…

    The Beetle story cracked me UP. Love it! Could be that I'm feeling less than generous toward the male gender right now but it just seemed... fitting. Lol Us males do have a lot to answer for although the female Darwin beetle was no angel. I think she was trying to get onto the Jerry Springer show or failing that Trish. Sadly not living in a Trailer Park she was wasting her time….

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  19. Imo said
    Bit risky taking photos of people with guns facing towards you! They were all terrible shots

    I do like the Beetle dialogue. Nature programmes aren't my first choice of viewing pleasure, but the boys watch Life every Sunday, so perhaps I might give it another go. Mrs B is a big fan and I must admit that once I sit down I get drawn in to the whole power and beauty of nature

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  20. Argentum Vulgaris
    Haven't read such a good one for a while. Toast before lunch, that got me going. Just hope it did not spoil your appetite

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  21. HA! we get such a bad rep about our knowledge of history...you mean the world didn't begin in 1776?? But I will have you know that, as an american, I know world geography quite well...but only because I have a huge map up on my wall at work and look at it desperately every day planning my next escape...I mean vacation.

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  22. Filmgirl
    I have got some bad news for you Disneyland does not count as abroad....kidding (I think)

    You guys do have a bad reputation for geography as well, I guess that’s down to the ones that don’t have a big map of the world on their office wall.

    I must admit I currently base my entire warped view of America on "My name is Earl" The episode where they went to get a passport was classic...

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  23. My grandpa won the world championship in pigeon shooting a long time ago. Unfortunately, I think my skills would be more on par with Mrs. B's, but we do have a lot of guns around here...haha.

    I love your photos!

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  24. Brooke
    Well done to your grandpa, it must be fantastic having a world champion in the family. Mrs B might not be a Laser Pigeon champion but she's a winner in my eyes.

    Glad you like the photo's, I've been offered some work on the back of them.

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  25. Your photography is excellent, I saved some of those photos for my computer backgrounds.

    Secretia

    ReplyDelete

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