Saturday 21 November 2009

The need to go back to work for a rest

We have had the week off, which I thought would be a nice and relaxing time, getting us ready for the build up to Christmas. Mrs B, however, had other ideas. To make the new TV feel at home (and for me to realise the magnitude of her gesture in agreeing to such a large TV …………..and there was me thinking it was to do with the diamond ring that I bribed her with) Mrs B has decided that most of the house needs an upgrade which as far as I can tell involves paying out vast sums of money to various workmen who proceed to wreck the joint with a vague promise that “it will turn out all right in the end, guv”. During this process, we discovered that workman are very territorial and don’t like sharing space with other workmen; they aren’t all that keen on us being around us; and some of them don’t even seem to get on with themselves. I had to intervene twice with one guy who kept picking on himself and at one point was arguing so loudly that it drove the cats out of their normal hiding places around the house and off into the garden (which is almost unheard of).

McG or is it Mischief (difficult to tell)
hiding from the workmen

It has been a stressful time working out a schedule that gives each workman enough time to do their work and clear out before the next one arrives. Quite tricky when Mrs B has booked, in the space of one week, :-

- Velux windows installed in the hall – to allow delivery men extra light to see where they are going when they deliver the TV. I offered to put a more powerful bulb in the hallway but Mrs B convinced me that for something this expensive only daylight will do. What’s the betting the delivery of said TV takes place after dark….?

- Remove the fire place and surround – to make sure the room is cosy enough for a large TV. Like a room with a 58” TV can ever be described as cosy…………

- Replace the stair carpet. This is getting silly - it’s like the TV is royalty. Unless it is going to get a tour of the house before settling in its new home, the TV will pass, but never actually get to use, the stair carpet.

- Decorate the living room, dining room, hallway, (please note that this is an “Oxford Comma”, not entirely sure what that is but if it’s good enough for Vampire Weekend it’s good enough for me) and one of the spare rooms. Again this only comes into play if the TV gets a royal tour of the house. Apparently Mrs B is taking no chances.

- Have new window shutters fitted - so the light does not disturb the TV when it is having a kip in between mammoth film watching sessions.

I have a sneaky suspicion that Mrs B might be taking advantage of the TV; I’m monitoring the situation and will let you know………..

You would have thought that all the hard work would be done by the workman. Not a chance. You have to keep an eye on them all the time and it’s worse than dealing with a bunch of 5 year olds…

“Put that power tool down and step away from the decorator…”

“Yes it is a very nice and neat box and yes you have put a lot of work into it but it’s not what we asked for and won’t actually work for us!” This was our reaction after we had given the carpenter instructions on the minimum size of the opening that we needed for the bespoke cabinet Mrs B is having built to hide all my electrical gubbins and left him unsupervised for a couple of hours. Despite the fact that we discussed with him the number of units that we needed to house and he was working next to the miles of spaghetti spewing from my current entertainment setup he had taken it on himself to create a box to the precise measurement of just the amp without allowing any room for anything to connect into it at the back. He got very sulky when he had to dismantle it. Yes I have to admit that it looked neat but was going to be about as useful as a chocolate teapot…Oh damn I should not have mentioned tea - they are all demanding more. What is it with workmen? Most of them seem to be on a minimum of 15 cups an hour…. I think it’s costing us more to boil the kettle than for the actual work that we are having done.

I even have to keep an eye on Mrs B. I don’t know if you have seen Spinal Tap and can remember that they gave instructions for a life size model of Stonehenge to be created for their stage show? This would have worked really well except when they gave the instructions to the builder they asked for 8” rather than 8’ and so, as the creation descended onto the stage during the first performance, instead of the behemoth of a prop they were expecting, a tiny little model appeared that could hardly be seen. Mrs B attempted to recreate this scene in the living room. In her mind she had created a substantial stepped effect in the height of the living room cabinets. In reality, however, the 50mm difference in height she actually asked for was barely noticeable……….For once I felt sorry for the carpenter as he dismantled the structure and started again..


Just at the point when I thought I could have a bit of a rest, a lorry turned up and dumped three years worth of salt blocks for our water softener onto the driveway. I guess it was my own fault as I had actually ordered it but I had assumed that it would take a couple of weeks, not a couple of days, to come through

One of the roofers (the more intelligent of the two – i.e the one who could string three and, on occasions, four words together, asked me what it was for :-

Me :– “It’s salt for a big dinner party we are throwing…”

Slightly more intelligent of the two builders, but that’s not saying a lot :- Blimey mate, you get through a lot of salt at your dinner parties. Perhaps I’m being unfair on him - that was a whole sentence.

This was our third favourite conversation with him, the second favourite being when he had just finished plastering around the window and announced to Mrs B:

S.m.i.o.t.t.b.,b.t.n.s.a.l :- “That’s not a bad job considering I’m not a plasterer.”

Mrs B :- Speechless

My favourite conversation with the roofers took place on the first day. They had just knocked a hole through our roof when he announced:

S.m.i.o.t.t.b.,b.t.n.s.a.l :- “Did you have difficulty getting planning permission for the windows?”

Me:- “What planning permission?”


S.m.i.o.t.t.b.,b.t.n.s.a.l :- “Did the Gov’nor not tell you?”

Me :- “No!!!”



TV update
It was all going so well until I made the mistake of trying to support the local shops. Yes they price matched. Yes they gave me a five year warranty. Yes I would get it in 7 to 10 days… Only after they took my money did they inform me that it was very unlikely that they would be able to get us the TV before Christmas. Before Christmas?! Even the worst maths student in the word would find it hard to take 7 to 10 days and make that equal to 5 weeks…..Aaaaarrrgggghhhh!!!!!!


Boy’s toys
To console myself with the long wait for the TV and the less than restful week, I got to play with a power saw that one of the workmen left over night. Fantastic! I started out by cutting a couple of batons for some shelving I’m creating in the loft. The next thing I was out purchasing more wood to feed my new addiction. I have now cut enough wood to build a reasonable sized log cabin.



Death and destruction at the hands of a power tool
Fantastic stuff, bring on the next tree....

Busted
Mrs B found my secret squirrel stash of goodies (chocolate bars, biscuits etc that Mrs B deems unsuitable for me to eat), I knew there was a reason why I banned her from the garage…. Before you judge me harshly, and in my defence, I would like to call to the witness stand a jumbo-sized tin of biscuits:

Me :- You are a jumbo-sized tin of biscuits?

J-stob :- That is correct

Me :- Do you remember the day I brought you out to serve to some guests?

J-stob :- I do

Me :- Were you sealed?

J-stob :- Yes

Me :- When I unsealed you and offered you to the guests, how many biscuits did you contain ?

J-stob :- I don’t know, I’m a box of biscuits and I can’t count.

Me :- It’s OK, I shall protect you from any repercussions .

J-stob :- I would rather not say.

Me :- May I remind you that you are under oath.

J-stob:- Two

Me :- Speak up, I didn’t catch that.

J-stob:- Two

Me :- What is your capacity?

J-stob :- About 40

Me :- Is there anyone present in the room who had previously opened you?

J-stob:- Points a corner accusingly at Mrs B – admittedly this would have been more effective if it had not been a round tin…..

Me :- And did that person reseal you?

J-stob:- looking really guilty Yes

Me :- Sorry?

J-stob:- Yes.

Me :- I rest my case.

Porn star name (or Prawn star name if you ocean fixated)
You have probably played it before but in case you haven’t or want to share it with the world again

The rules

Take your first ever pets name
Then add your mother’s maiden name

It’s only fair that I kick things off. My Porn Star name is……….

“Muffin Searson”

While Mrs B’s is

“Porgy Beerling”

I’m just thankful that I didn’t abuse my first pet in the past with names like:

Limpdick
Crap in bed
Wee wee,poo,poo,nipper (yes that was an old friend’s first pet’s name. Basically his porn career is stuffed…..although there is probably a “speciality” market out there….)

Now be honest and no cheating

Thank you to Gingerella for bestowing on me an award. I have to do things with it but have run out of time so that will happen next week. For those of you with a squeamish nature it might be a good idea to avoid next week’s BlackLOG as we are going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show in full costume. There will be pictures, so don’t say you weren’t warned…………………..

20 comments:

  1. Ok, so i guess my pron star name is.... Redford Gulke. Not a very nice porn star name, I don't think I'd make too much money with THAT, but in all fairness that wasn't MY first dog. It was the family's. MY first dog's name was Lady Narcissus. that sounds a bit better. Lady Gulke. I'll take that.
    Have you heard Vampire Weekend's name songs? Here, I'll like them:
    http://www.vampireweekend.com/
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkUQ-OBazbc&feature=related

    I just realized you probably did hear them since you were lucky enough to go to their concert. The first one is Cousins and the second one is Horchata.

    ENJOY!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I laughed so much reading all about the workmen,it was so funny :) I recently had workmen infest the house,they were putting in the wood burning stove surround.They spent more time talking then they did working,and 50 cups of tea later they finally left! lol :) Great post

    ReplyDelete
  3. Let me introduce you to Humphrey Pollock - actually it doesn't sound very porn star, more like a b movie actor.

    You had a secret stash of chocolate in the garage - cool. Now you've been busted, you could get your carpenter to build in a secret compartment behind all those trailing wires for your new secret secret stash.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've never had a pet of my own but if we can add the family dog to the mixer then I would've made a great porn star: Shaft Cook.

    Who in their right mind names an alsatian Shaft. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Pepe Lewis" Pepe isn't bad actually. I did go to school with a girl whose real name was a perfect porn name...Amber Wine. Her dad was a reverend though...lol

    Sorry about your workmen troubles. There's a comedy movie from the 80's with Tom Hanks called "The Money Pit" that's all about the fun [cough] of remodeling a house. It's hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your house sounds a lot like our right now. We're having new siding put up, the basement carpeted, and a few rooms painted. I hope it's over soon. Our workers don't even speak English.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm rolling right now. I hope more people post their names. Too funny. Mine is "Bouchon Gillerion"

    I'm sure my Husband has a secret stash too. I often find an empty bag of Doritos in the garbage.

    ReplyDelete
  8. book*addict
    Ok, so i guess my pron star name is.... Redford Gulke. Not a very nice porn star name, I don't think I'd make too much money with THAT, but in all fairness that wasn't MY first dog. It was the family's. MY first dog's name was Lady Narcissus. that sounds a bit better. Lady Gulke. I'll take that. Shouldn’t your porn name be Lady Narcissus Gulke?

    Have you heard Vampire Weekend's name songs? Here, I'll like them:
    http://www.vampireweekend.com/
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkUQ-OBazbc&feature=related

    I just realized you probably did hear them since you were lucky enough to go to their concert. The first one is Cousins and the second one is Horchata.

    ENJOY!


    Thanks I hadn’t heard either of them. Sorry to rub it in but I got tickets for one of their gigs in January

    ReplyDelete
  9. Smileyfreak

    I laughed so much reading all about the workmen,it was so funny :) I recently had workmen infest the house,they were putting in the wood burning stove surround.They spent more time talking then they did working,and 50 cups of tea later they finally left! lol :) Great post Infest is such a good term for workmen, once they know that there is tea & biscuits in the house you almost have to call in rent-a-kill to get rid of them.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Imo
    Let me introduce you to Humphrey Pollock - actually it doesn't sound very porn star, more like a b movie actor.I agree with you that Humphrey is never going to sound sexy (was the name from the old Milk adverts “Watch out there is a Humphrey about” ?)

    You had a secret stash of chocolate in the garage - cool. Now you've been busted, you could get your carpenter to build in a secret compartment behind all those trailing wires for your new secret secret stash.He actually did build a secret stash area, only forgot to build any access

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cynicalscribble
    I've never had a pet of my own but if we can add the family dog to the mixer then I would've made a great porn star: Shaft Cook. You so can have that as your Porn star name. What I don’t get is why you are struggling to raise funds for your trip to Australia. Get that porn career up and running and those sex cheques rolling in….Shaft Cook starring in “Alsatians do it doggie style”

    Who in their right mind names an alsatian Shaft. Sigh. That must have been fun calling for him in the park…..Shaft, Shaft, Shaft or did you call out “here doggie, doggie, doggie” although that does not sound much better

    ReplyDelete
  12. Gingerella

    "Pepe Lewis" Pepe isn't bad actually. I did go to school with a girl whose real name was a perfect porn name...Amber Wine. Her dad was a reverend though...lol Pepe is good, although I can’t help but think of the Character “Pepe Le Pew” the romantic cartoon skunk character. I so hope that Amber went into the porn industry what a wasted opportunity if she didn’t. I’m sure dad would have supported her but probably would not have gone to see many of her films

    Sorry about your workmen troubles. There's a comedy movie from the 80's with Tom Hanks called "The Money Pit" that's all about the fun [cough] of remodeling a house. It's hilarious. I do remember the Money Pit, looking at our current outgoings I think Mrs B has decided to do a 30 year anniversary remake…


    P.S a personal thank you for my award, I’m trying to think who to pass it onto


    .

    ReplyDelete
  13. BlackLOG said...
    Imo
    Let me introduce you to Humphrey Pollock - actually it doesn't sound very porn star, more like a b movie actor.I agree with you that Humphrey is never going to sound sexy (was the name from the old Milk adverts “Watch out there is a Humphrey about” ?)

    Now you're showing your age!! However, our dog was named just before the milk adverts came out they copied us! He was very nearly called Godfrey by my mother, but we managed to veto that one. We couldn't face the embarrassment of her standing in a country lane shouting "here God, god, goddddddddddfreeeeeey."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Brooke
    Your house sounds a lot like our right now. We're having new siding put up, the basement carpeted, and a few rooms painted. I hope it's over soon. Our workers don't even speak English. I would not worry about the fact they don’t speak English. While all ours can grunt in English (mainly the words “More Tea”) none of them seem to be able to understand even basic English instructions

    .

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nikki
    I'm rolling right now. I hope more people post their names. Too funny. Mine is "Bouchon Gillerion"
    With a name like "Bouchon Gillerion" it sounds like you might be able to avoid the down market dime a dozen Hard Core and break into the high end sophisticated Eurpean porn market.

    I'm sure my Husband has a secret stash too. I often find an empty bag of Doritos in the garbage. No, No Doritos bags are like odd socks they just appear pout of thin air…No Mrs B doesn’t fall for that one either.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Imo
    Imo - Let me introduce you to Humphrey Pollock - actually it doesn't sound very porn star, more like a b movie actor. I agree with you that Humphrey is never going to sound sexy (was the name from the old Milk adverts “Watch out there is a Humphrey about” ?)

    Now you're showing your age!! However, our dog was named just before the milk adverts came out they copied us! He was very nearly called Godfrey by my mother, but we managed to veto that one. We couldn't face the embarrassment of her standing in a country lane shouting "here God, god, goddddddddddfreeeeeey."I love the fact that some people don’t think it through when they name their pets and for that matter their children. It always amuses me when some great big hairy bloke has to call out for Fluffy his wife’s savage Rottweiler or when Mrs & Mrs Head call their new son Richard…..

    ReplyDelete
  17. Not a funny porn name Joker Dunn but the whole dealing with the contractors very funny. Having worked in that industry I understand the frustration.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL aren't renovations FUN??? Mrs. B. sounds like she's got the right idea - get everything done at once.

    I LOVE the picture of the unknown kitty hiding under the blankets. too cute. :o)

    Hope you are having a great day!

    My porn name is really dumb... Rascal McEvan. Not really all that sexy if you ask me...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Linlah
    Not a funny porn name Joker Dunn but the whole dealing with the contractors very funny. Having worked in that industry I understand the frustration.

    Welcome to the BlackLOG and thanks for joining in on the Porn star name game. I’m assuming that when you say “Having worked in the industry” you don’t mean the Porn Industry. I agree that Joker Dunn would not get star billing in a film but can’t help but think there might be a niche market in porn comedy

    ReplyDelete
  20. Picture Imperfect
    LOL aren't renovations FUN??? Mrs. B. sounds like she's got the right idea - get everything done at once. She certainly has the right idea, comes up with the ideas and leaves me to get it sorted…

    I LOVE the picture of the unknown kitty hiding under the blankets. too cute. :o) The unknown Kitty is definitely McG, Mischief would hardly create a bump….

    Hope you are having a great day

    My porn name is really dumb... Rascal McEvan. Not really all that sexy if you ask me...
    Rascal McEvan is a great Porn name, lets face it most Porn is not particularly sexy, most of the time it's laughably bad. It’s a bit like whe they say comedy is a serious business.

    ReplyDelete

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