It turns out that I should have got my friend Kirsty to take the Beast in for me. She and our other friend Joe were running late and ended up missing the first 15 minutes of the show (more about their time keeping next week). As well as stopping people bringing in camera, recording equipment, guns, amo etc they get very funny about people bring in food and drink. So imagine our surprise when Kirsty and Joe turned up and Kirsty pulled a plastic bottle of water, not just a small bottle of water but a huge 1 1/2 litre bottle…I asked her how she had got it passed Security. It went like this:
Kirsty walked up to the Security with the bottle of water at the top of her bag. (In truth it was more like a suit case) what do you women carry in your bags. It's why I have pockets.....Oh and rucksacks for anything that won't fit in our pockets.....Oh,Oh (Thats' a doube Oh) and Mrs Bs handbag for any overflow from my pockets and rucksack....
She took the bottle out of the bag in front of the guard and then handed the bag over which was given a thorough going over.
All the time Kirsty stood clutching the huge bottle of water in front of her. (What was she going to do with it offer to wash Eddie Izzard with it)
The now searched bag was handed back to Kirsty who placed the bottle back into it and waltzed off passed the security guard.
Now that’s true magic - The ability to hide things in open sight.
For the record, Eddie was fantastic and I am relieved to report he did not cross-dress for once much to my relief, or get washed by Kirsty for that matter. The show was so funny that it actually hurt…..
Mrs B has decided to drop out of all future Secret Santa lunches at her work after a second disastrous year. Last year all the presents were given out and there was one little girl who was left tearful and with nothing. The Secret Santa who had drawn Mrs B had not got around to getting the present. It arrived a couple of days later but to be honest the moment had gone. This year it was even worse, with everyone picking up large boxes of chocolates, nail varnish (nor sure that would have done it for me) and other interesting gifts, Mrs B opened her present to find three cotton handkerchiefs - a distraught Mrs B declared “What am I? Eighty?” I'm glad I found out her reaction as it gave me the opportunity to take back the box of serviettes that I had thought she might like……
Apparently I spoke too soon about Mitch and his Canadian citizenship. To complete the process all Mitch had to do was leave Canada and come back in again. How hard can that be?
Mitch had been having a bit of a muck around with the guard at the Canadian border until he handed over his passport:
US Customs official :- “You have a problem.”
Mitch :– “It’s not that bad becoming a Canadian.“
US Customs official :- “You still have a US visa waiver in the back of your passport.”
Mitch :- “They must have forgotten to take the visa out last time I came through. “
US Customs official :- “Can you prove that you have not been living in America all this time?”
Mitch :- “Yes.”
US Customs official :- “How? ”
Mitch :- “Well if I have been living in America all this time I would not be entering into America but leaving it.“
This took a little while to sink in and needed a phone call to his supervisor before he would accept the logic. Not to be beaten though he carried on:
US Customs official :- “Do you have a middle name Mr Graham?”
Mitch :- “No“
US Customs official :- “I see.”
Mitch :- “Is there a further problem?”
US Customs official :- “Yes, there is a arrest warrant outstanding for a Mitch Graham.”
Mitch :- “Do you have a photograph of this person?”
US Customs official :- “Yes”
Mitch :- “Does it look like me?”
US Customs official :- “No.”
Mitch :- “Can I go now?”
US Customs official :- “I guess so, I’ll just have to check with my supervisor.”
Mitch :- “Arrrgghhh.”
I’ll leave you with some photos of the weekend that we have just returned from at my favourite house, “Newark Park”, and one of my favourite cities, Bath. More details and pictures next week…
For the record I’m going to change the weekly publication date from a Friday to a Monday.