Wednesday 10 March 2010

BlackLOG in punctureland

This week 2 films at the cinema and two punctures, coincidence, I don't think so.

Starting off with Lovely Bones -Warning! This may contain spoilers if you have not read the book or seen the film.

For some reason I keep referring to it as Lazy Bones. It was a C.A.C.T.U.S night so the cost was a very reasonable £2.95. The brave souls to risk the wrath of god this week were Guy and Mala and they both seemed to enjoy Peter Jackson's vision of heaven. I had read some reviews beforehand which had ripped into the film. I don't know what film they were reviewing or, more to the point, what narcotics they had been imbibing before putting pen to paper, but talk about misinformation.  One revue claimed that Susie, the girl who is murdered, did not know who had killed her and spent the film trying to find out. Since it is clear from the start that she knows her killer, you have to question if the reviewer had seen the film or even read the book. It was more likely that they had relied on a 5 year old (and not a particularly bright one) who themselves had not seen it but been told by their 3 year old sibling(again not a particularly bright one) to tell them the plot.....

OK, some of the sub-plots had changed from the book. The affair between the mother and the detective has been stolen but this is inevitable for narrative and pace (Oh, my god. That makes me sound a bit like a director, or at least it would to a 5 year old who learned from a 3 year old what they think a director should sound like). Some of the imagery that Jackson put in is superb. For instance the scene where Susie's father smashes his collection of ships in bottles* as they appear in the ocean in Susie's heaven being dashed against the rocks is inspired and demonstrates the connection between Susie and her father even after her death. Even the tricky rape and death scene was dealt with well - as Susie started to run from the underground den, where she had been lured, my mind was screaming "but she didn't get out in the book!!!" and I expected to see Mr Harvey (her murderer) run after her and drag her back in a true Hollywood attempt to add unneeded tension. Of course she doesn't in the film either. It is her soul fleeing her body - very imaginative and an excellent way of avoiding having to show a controversial teenage rape and murder.

* Hey I'm not going to judge. People collect all sorts of strange and wonderful things. I have heard of people who collect toenail clippings. Don't believe me? Then check this out " Toenail clipping collection. Personally I would call it failure to throw things away rather than a collection, but don't get Mrs B started on that subject. I'm already in enough trouble over my navel fluff Collection. Just kidding - it's not actually mine, I just hired Graham's Paddock's collection for the weekend. What next? Toe jam and ear wax collections? Oh, yes they are all on the web,present and correct but I'll leave you to Google them yourself. As for Tampax collections, I'm not even going to look into that one but you can bet your sweet puberty that someone in the world probably collects them.....

The only bit of the film that didn't work for me was when the mother returned home after abandoning the family for years. No explanation that it was because of her husband's heart attack, as in the book, nor indeed were there any signs of the heart attack itself. Other than that small gripe I thought it was a great film...

3D or not 3D that is the question (No real spoilers just a bit of grumbling and disappointment)
Alice in Wonderland 3D, at the IMAX in London (The UK's largest screen) - I fear I had built my expectations too high. Don't get me wrong. I loved parts of the film but it just didn't tick all the boxes. I enjoyed Jonny Depp as the Mad Hatter but that might be because the critics had laid into him, so my expectations were lowered. I loved the Cheshire cat (but then I would wouldn't I?) but I really struggled with Alice, the dormouse (they could have got someone better than Barbara Windsor for the voice) and as for the White Queen, I'm assuming the White Queen is meant to be the good one but to be honest I found her more frightening than the comic Red Queen. While Helena Bonham-Carter strutted around screaming "Off with their heads!" and was clearly based on Queenie from Blackadder II, Ann Hathaway has the look of a sociopathic killer who probably has a body count that would make Joseph Stalin look like an amateur when it comes to culling his own people....

Then there is the whole 3D debate. Personally I can take or leave it. I often find it more distracting than anything. Sure, some of the effects are impressive, at one point a group of people walked across the foreground of the picture, it was so realistic I felt I could reach out and touch them. It was fortunate that I didn't as they turned out to be late arrivals and I probably would have got a good slapping. Besides, 3D makes Mrs B feel queasy and those glasses everyone has to wear don't get any better. It makes the cinema look like a room full of Mr Magoo's.

Well done to our friends Kirsty and Joe who managed to not only make it to the IMAX this time, but also stayed awake for the entire film, which is more than Mrs B did. As a bonus they did not have to go rushing off to the toilet halfway through the film. The last time I did that it was during Oliver Twist and I was about six.....does this mean that we have at last managed to toilet train you for the cinema? (P.S Kirsty, I promise not to mention you being responsible for getting the ladies toilets, in the Archduke, closed down for two hours before we went to the movie. I'm sure it was just a coincidence.....)

The best thing about seeing the film this week was that it does allow for a nice segue into the next topic as well as providing, in my opinion, an excellent Blog title:

BlackLOG in Punctureland

Puncture one
While travelling at high speed (I'm admitting to 77mph and nothing more without my lawyer present) one of ElleGee's warning lights came on. (The one which indicates that tyre pressure has changed and not in a good way.) I slowed down and figured "Not a problem, the car's fitted with run flat tyres which are good for 50 miles I could get to work and sort it out from there. 3 miles further on and ElleGee was vibrating like a small child who has not only discovered their full year's supply of sweets but scoffed the lot and started on next year's stash. I was close to the South Mimms service station and since I had never had the pleasure of stopping off there decided it was time for a visit. A big thanks to the white van driver who honked his horn and pointed excitedly at my back nearside tyre as I limped onto the slipway coming off the M25. No really, I always drive at 20 miles an hour with my hazards flashing and my car jerking around like a headless chicken at a samba festival and I had absolutely no idea that I had a flat.....thanks!

My boss, who was with me (we have car pooled for the last 10 years, how green is that? It's done nothing for my campaign to waste the planet before we ruin it) was very understanding and called for assistance, which involved getting one of his other staff to come and collect him. This left me to call my Company Car help-line. The problem with run flats is that you have them instead of having a spare and when they work they are great. I once had a double puncture with normal tyres which left me stranded. With run flats you can, in theory, have a quadruple blow out and still get home. So much for theories. It seems that if the side wall of the run flat tyre is damaged your expensive run flat tyre becomes a useless chunk of rubber sprawling across the tarmac....

I had a choice, wait for an estimated 9 hours for a mobile tyre van to come and fit a replacement (one would have thought I was in the outer Hebrides not just off one of the UK's busiest roads) or opt for a tow to a garage. Hmm........a 9 hour wait for tyres or an 1 hour wait for a tow truck. Decisions, decisions. It was a close run thing what with coffee shop and Waitrose supermarket on site at South Mimms (although I'm not sure if you can call it a supermarket if it only stocks around 10 items) but in the end I opted to save 8 hours.

The rescue service was true to their word and turn up just a couple of minutes after the appointed time,looking good..... only it soon became clear that it wasn't. The rescue van was supplied under the BMW warranty for the car, while the tyre replacement is sorted out under my Company car scheme who only use selected outlets; BMW not being one of them. The driver was under instructions to tow me to the nearest BMW garage. I explained the problem to the driver and expected him to quote red tape and say his hands were tied but he turned out not to be job's worth, clicked off his radio, so they could not contact him and took me to my waiting tyres (I had used my hour wisely and found a suitable garage covered by the Company Car scheme which had the tyres in stock). It was all going so well.

The garage took off my wheel, got approval to have the tyres changed and then realised they didn't have the correct tyre after all. Despite me giving them the correct code they missed out the run flat part when they checked the stock levels. It took them 3 hours to get the replacement from their depot about 5 miles down the road. If I had known it would take so long I would have walked to collect it and roll it back myself.
After so much waiting I had read the newspaper from cover to cover and had started composing obituaries for the inventor of Run Flat Tyres and garage operatives who can't use their stock control system properly.

Puncture Two
Mrs B's new road bike. It has taken me weeks to get her out on it (to be fair though the weather has not been kind) only to find that less than a mile after we started her back tyre was flat. I discovered a shard of stone had gone through the tyre. I asked myself "Did Mrs B aim for it deliberately ?" but then I realised that was a stupid thought, her eyesight's not that great, after all she married me....

So, it was a slow walk home. It took me about two hours to get the damn tyre off and change the inner tube. No one told me road bike tyres were so much more difficult to remove th a n the mountain bike equivalents. Mrs B vanished to the safety of the living room as I wrest l ed and swore at the tyre in equal measures. Two broken plastic tyre levers later (who could possibly have thought that would make good material for the purpose?) and much scuffing of knuckles and it was repaired. Unfortunately not only had the daylight vanished but Mrs B's lights had gone out as well. She looked so content snoozing away that I didn't have the heart to disturb her....So our bike ride consisted of :

  • 2 hours to get all our bike gear together ( hunting out gloves, helmets and cycle clothing which have been hibernating through the winter. Like wires you put them away neatly, don't go near them for months and yet when you do find them again they are all over the place.....) ;
  • 5 minutes riding ;
  • 10 minutes walking back to the house ; and
  • 2 hours wrestling with the bike wheel .
I've now ordered some Kevlar infused bike tyres for both of us, which should at least put a stop to all but the most persistent of punctures (so we might get to 2 miles next time), the only problem is that changing 4 tyres is going to take another 8 hours out of my life, I might as well go and wait at South Mimms and call out the mobile tyre service....

That's it for another week

Apparently I risked life and liberty taking this photo
- more about that next week


The Archduke was the first restaurant and
wine bar to open on the Southbank in 1979.
The only complaint is it does not appear to
have very robust ladies toilets....
Kirsty, Joe and Mrs B enjoying the sunshine on
the South Bank

Just look at that lovely blue sky. The down side is
this time of year no clouds means it's bloody parky..


OK so what looks like a giant gas storage tank stuck
 in the middle of a round-a-bout in Waterloo.......
.....Turns out it contains the largest cinema screen in
the UK. Who would have guessed...

18 comments:

  1. Oh man, that critic couldn't even bother to glance through the first 5 pages of The Lovely Bones? Doofus!

    I'm so over the 3D thing. It makes me feel ill. Paying $45 for the fam to see the film made me ill enough. Thankyouverymuch.

    Oh and sorry about your tires (yes, that's how we say it over here on the other side of the puddle).

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  2. I'm scared to see lovely bones because I enjoyed the book so much. Excited to see Alice, but am over 3D as well.

    Excellent photo of Mrs. B and friends enjoying the sunlight. Was that luck, or a camera setting I haven't learned?

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  3. That must be like an IMAX screen here in the US.

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  4. Mala said

    Oh man, that critic couldn't even bother to glance through the first 5 pages of The Lovely Bones? Doofus!
    What makes me mad is that some of these people have the power to make or break films. I hate it when people won't go and see a film because of a bad review

    I'm so over the 3D thing. It makes me feel ill. Paying $45 for the fam to see the film made me ill enough. Thankyouverymuch.
    3D sure is getting a big push at the moment, they are trying to put it into the Living room as well. I saw a demo of the new Panasonic 3D not impressed. I think the main push from the film companies is because it is harder to pirate films

    Oh and sorry about your tires (yes, that's how we say it over here on the other side of the puddle).
    I'm a great believer in free spelling so I'm happy with either way

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  5. Nikki said...

    I'm scared to see lovely bones because I enjoyed the book so much. Excited to see Alice, but am over 3D as well.
    You can always see Alice in 2D, as for Lovely Bones I think it's worth a watch but I find I have to try and switch of from the book and treat it as something different

    Excellent photo of Mrs. B and friends enjoying the sunlight. Was that luck, or a camera setting I haven't learned?
    Just The Beast doing his thing. The luck was getting Sunshine in the UK....

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  6. We went to see the 'Bones' thing. There were two obvious problems around the primary plot device which, for me (because I'm anal about little things like functional detail) turned the film in to a big Fail. We talk about the film in this week's podcast, but if you like the film I wouldn't listen.

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  7. Ed said...
    That must be like an IMAX screen here in the US.
    The ones in the UK are probably about half the size of the smallest US version. Hey, we are only a small island. I guess that's why we had such a big empire, mainly for storage purposes.

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  8. Brennig said

    We went to see the 'Bones' thing. There were two obvious problems around the primary plot device which, for me (because I'm anal about little things like functional detail) turned the film in to a big Fail. We talk about the film in this week's podcast, but if you like the film I wouldn't listen.

    I don't have a problem with bad reviews for films as long as they don't give incorrect information. Everyone has a right to a view and it is down to an induvidual if they agree or not. I've been trying to find your review of bones as I'm interested in what were the show stoppers for you, just not been able to find it....

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  9. I enjoyed Johnny Depp as well :)
    I thought the 3D was great,but then again it was very annoying at times to have to wear the glasses

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  10. Smileyfreak said...
    I enjoyed Johnny Depp as well :)
    I thought the 3D was great,but then again it was very annoying at times to have to wear the glasses


    I'm thinking of boycotting 3D until they incorporate it with feel'o'vision - what's the point of appearing to run through bushes if you don't get the sensation of being whipped by the branches, it's just not natural.
    I suspect feel'o'vision could also revolutionise the porn film market bring it's viewers to the ultimate climax. Might be a bit messy in the cinemas though...

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  11. Movies and flat tires, oh my! If you need help with that obituary, let me know.

    Loved this line: "it was so realistic I felt I could reach out and touch them. It was fortunate that I didn't as they turned out to be late arrivals and I probably would have got a good slapping." Did NOT see that coming! LOL!

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  12. Read The Lovely Bones when it first came out in paperback - a strange story particularly the heaven bits - but I can see that Peter Jackson would be the best person to transfer this to the big screen. Having said that I have no desire to see this film, however one of my film going partners is determined to see it, so I might get dragged along for a Cactus.

    Sorry to hear abour ElleGee, you should have brought a Micra they provide you with a pram wheel as a spare.

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  13. kathryn said...

    Movies and flat tires, oh my! If you need help with that obituary, let me know.
    I do hope you are not talking about an obituary for the BlackLOG.

    Loved this line: "It was so realistic I felt I could reach out and touch them. It was fortunate that I didn't as they turned out to be late arrivals and I probably would have got a good slapping." Did NOT see that coming! LOL!
    With my big comedy 3D glasses on I probably could have claimed I was trying to find my Guide dog.....

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  14. Imo said...

    Read The Lovely Bones when it first came out in paperback - a strange story particularly the heaven bits - but I can see that Peter Jackson would be the best person to transfer this to the big screen. Having said that I have no desire to see this film, however one of my film going partners is determined to see it, so I might get dragged along for a Cactus.
    Watching film adaptations of good books is a bit like when they turn your favourite chocolate bar into an ice-cream. You have to treat them like separate entities, face it, it's never going to have the same taste or texture but it might just work as long as you don't saddle it with preconceived expectations

    Sorry to hear abour ElleGee, you should have brought a Micra they provide you with a pram wheel as a spare.
    I could have purchased the pram, don't they give you a Micra as a backup?

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  15. OMG! Yes! The Red Queen did remind me of Queenie. lol I mentioned it to my friend during the movie, but she just gave me a blank look, as she enjoyed neither Blackadder nor Fawlty Towers in her youth (deprived childhood - terribly sad business).

    As for the White Queen... well, I forsee Anne Hathaway's inky lips and unstable hands being typecast in every thriller from now 'til kingdom come.

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  16. ~:C:~ said

    OMG! Yes! The Red Queen did remind me of Queenie. lol I mentioned it to my friend during the movie, but she just gave me a blank look, as she enjoyed neither Blackadder nor Fawlty Towers in her youth (deprived childhood - terribly sad business). You are obviously a good friend, I'm not sure I would still be talking to her....You will be telling me next she never watched Poldark (some of the best, worst scenery outside of Triangle) or Finger Bobs....

    As for the White Queen... well, I forsee Anne Hathaway's inky lips and unstable hands being typecast in every thriller from now 'til kingdom come.
    Oh no, don't say that. I'm not sure the world is ready for Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Cage appearing in thrillers together....

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  17. I sympathise with regards to tyre punctures. They seem to happen at the worst and most inconvenient times to us all.

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  18. theperpetualspiral said...
    I sympathise with regards to tyre punctures. They seem to happen at the worst and most inconvenient times to us all.
    That's sods law for you - only rains when you don't have your umbrella with you.

    ReplyDelete

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