In at the deep end, how to swim the perfect length...

I've not been swimming recently, partly because of the problems at "Swim Club" so I was determined last week to get back into a regular routine. Which was why I forced myself along to the gym to use the pool...

I finished my first length and it felt good - I was even thinking that "Fish Boy" was back and was about to start my second length, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed something yellow and pink was waving flabby arms at me and hollering. Wow, it had felt good but I'm pretty sure it wasn't worthy of a huge celebration or anything.

What were they were going to do once I reached 50 lengths?

I never found out as they were not celebrating my perfect length, they were having a go at me for swimming, yes, swimming, in a swimming pool.  Now forgive me if I'm being a bit simplistic but isn't the clue in the name

 S.W.I.M.M.I.N.G P.O.O.L?

I got out of the pool and asked them what planet they were on.

Life guard :- "I'm sorry Sir, you are in the recreational area and you are not allowed to lift your arms above head hight...."
Blimy, I thought, what are you meant to do if you are drowning? My guess as tidely and quietly as possible with your arms rigid against your body

Me - "So what you are telling me is that I'm not allowed to swim?"

Life guard :- "You can do breaststroke."
I'm sorry to me that's just treading water with a bit of forward motion....

Me - "Isn't that banned under some "no petting" rule?"

Life guard :- Blank expression

Life guard :- "You have two lanes that you can swim in."
I looked across at the two narrow lanes with around 12 people in each lane and then back at the rest of the pool, about 4 lanes worth of open water with about 5 people lolling around trying to float their way to fitness.....

I decided to try a different tact.

Me - "This is the dedicated swimming time 'Swim Fitness' on your timetable?"

Life guard :- "Yes."

Me - "So why are you stopping me swimming?"

Life guard :- "You can swim in the lanes"
Damn she was going to stick to her script, almost as good as a seasoned politician.

Me - "What in the packed lanes with people being crushed to death at both ends?"

Life guard :- "Yes"
she said a little more hesitantly

Me - "Then it's not really worth me bothering is it.?"

At this point I stormed off, but due to the steam emitting from my ears and a lack of familiarity with the pool's layout, my dramatic exit was rather ruined when I struggled to find the exit to the Gents' changing rooms, nearly tripping over the f***ing 'No Swimming Sign' in the process. Just as well I didn't. If I had tripped and fallen in the pool, the lifeguard would probably have shouted at me for diving...

Still at least I had done a great length. It was possibly close to perfection. Is this life's way of telling me to give it up and go and join the rest of once Great Britain stagnating in the back waters....????

As a bit of background to my loss of humour

Last year I was swimming a good 2 to 3 miles a week, since joining a new gym, at the begining of the year and exclude my humilation at swim club (First rule of swim club, never talk about swim club), I have managed a paltry 25 metres in 3 months.... This is because when ever I try and use the pool I run into :-

Hippo training - A.K.A Aqua arobics . Every other pool I've used they just ring fence the hippos and let everyone else take their chance in the rest of the pool....

Swimming Club - I suspect a similar concept to swim club.......so best avoided

Schools - Fair enough I don't want to share the same water as a bunch of fighting, peeing and probably pooing adolesense

Swimming lessons - How cruel is that, teach people to swim but then not let them use their new found skill.....That should be filed under some sort of Chinese Water torture.

Diving club - Since they occupy the bottom of the pool why can't I be allowed to swim along the surface?

Swim for all - Basically a pool full of pensioners, kids and no doubt hippos, waiting for an industrial crane to remove them from the water.

Life savers - Why? Since no one is allowed to swim. Just who are they expecting to save?

Swim Fitness - Billed on their leaflet as :

Sessions with lanes for those who know swimming is the best way to stay active "uninterrupted". Ask for one of our results cards to help you get more out of your time in the pool.

Sorry you are going to have to peel me off the ceiling again, it was during a "Swim Fitness" session that I was stopped after just one length.

Surely I can sue them under the Trades Description Act............

I'm guessing here but I suspect the results card is about the size of a postage stamp, I can't see 25 metres a session taking much room to document.....

This was hardly the :-

Sales lady -"Yes you can swim at any time sir"
I obviously didn't see that she had her fingers crossed and put the fact that she would not look me straight in the eye down to a slight squint.

that I signed up a year's membership for......

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Politics
Please tell me it is not just me who sees the irony of Gordon Brown getting all animated and excited about the plight of the 14 year old girl who broke down in tears at "his" political rally, because of the poverty trap that her family are caught in and calling for a march for justice dinity and fairness:-

• Does he not realise that he and his cronies have been in charge of this country for almost the whole of her life?
• Infact even worse he has been in charge of the Treasury for the majority of those 14 years.  The very place where the girls family work and are so poorly paid. 
• Who exactly is he calling on people to march against....

I guess that would have to be him......

So perhaps I'm doing him a dis-service and he is more sensible than I'm giving him credit for.....

Perhaps his election slogan should be :

"Anyone but me"

It would be funny if only not so many people had not been caught up in the hype and hugging,  thinking that impassioned words are all it takes.  The man who robbed our pension funds, sold of half our gold reserves at the lowest price in 20 years and steered the country into a deeper depression than most of Europe and left us with  huge debts to boot is looking to steal the election.

If he does the country will get what it deserves,  although frankly I'm not convinced by any politicians but it's probably about time someone else was given a go at the rudder....

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I'll leave you with a few teaser pictures from this weekend, which included Mala and Craig's East/West fusion wedding (I ended up with 3 wedding-related tasks. Will people never learn?). Find out how Mrs B got on after she refused to wear her RoboCop boot. Plus shots of our Safari trip. (Don't get too excited and moan about yet another BlackLOG holiday, this was only to Woburn Safari Park for Bank Holiday Monday - and ,yes, it did rain). I will fill in the details and provide more pictures (If I remember) next week....

Mala enjoying being the centre of attention. 

Mala & Craig looking remarkably relaxed

and cheerful, considering her wedding

dress and their evening wear did not

 arrive from India until 10pm the

night before the wedding.

I could not remember if this was from the wedding or the

aftermath of Mrs B being attacked in the Bird House at

Woburn. Then I realised that I only wear suits for

weddings and funerals and not Safari trips....  

There is a good chance that this owl will be banned

for using a controversial over head stroke....

Much better, although there might be problems

with frightening members of the diving club...

The recent wombat remake of "Alien"

proved very popular down under...

This squirrel monkey reminds me of the joke

aboutthe worlds  shortest pygmy tribe who

get lost in tall grass called the

'Wherethefuckarewe'

A Squirrel Monkey, looking for his nuts.

He's got no chance they are tiny...

As requested by Danica-Dragonfly, Mrs B's Cheap

& Cheerful shoes from last weeks Blog....