Wednesday, 5 May 2010

In at the deep end, how to swim the perfect length...

I've not been swimming recently, partly because of the problems at "Swim Club" so I was determined last week to get back into a regular routine. Which was why I forced myself along to the gym to use the pool...

I finished my first length and it felt good - I was even thinking that "Fish Boy" was back and was about to start my second length, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed something yellow and pink was waving flabby arms at me and hollering. Wow, it had felt good but I'm pretty sure it wasn't worthy of a huge celebration or anything.

What were they were going to do once I reached 50 lengths?

I never found out as they were not celebrating my perfect length, they were having a go at me for swimming, yes, swimming, in a swimming pool.  Now forgive me if I'm being a bit simplistic but isn't the clue in the name

 S.W.I.M.M.I.N.G P.O.O.L?

I got out of the pool and asked them what planet they were on.

Life guard :- "I'm sorry Sir, you are in the recreational area and you are not allowed to lift your arms above head hight...."
Blimy, I thought, what are you meant to do if you are drowning? My guess as tidely and quietly as possible with your arms rigid against your body

Me - "So what you are telling me is that I'm not allowed to swim?"

Life guard :- "You can do breaststroke."
I'm sorry to me that's just treading water with a bit of forward motion....

Me - "Isn't that banned under some "no petting" rule?"

Life guard :- Blank expression

Life guard :- "You have two lanes that you can swim in."
I looked across at the two narrow lanes with around 12 people in each lane and then back at the rest of the pool, about 4 lanes worth of open water with about 5 people lolling around trying to float their way to fitness.....

I decided to try a different tact.

Me - "This is the dedicated swimming time 'Swim Fitness' on your timetable?"

Life guard :- "Yes."

Me - "So why are you stopping me swimming?"

Life guard :- "You can swim in the lanes"
Damn she was going to stick to her script, almost as good as a seasoned politician.

Me - "What in the packed lanes with people being crushed to death at both ends?"

Life guard :- "Yes"
she said a little more hesitantly

Me - "Then it's not really worth me bothering is it.?"

At this point I stormed off, but due to the steam emitting from my ears and a lack of familiarity with the pool's layout, my dramatic exit was rather ruined when I struggled to find the exit to the Gents' changing rooms, nearly tripping over the f***ing 'No Swimming Sign' in the process. Just as well I didn't. If I had tripped and fallen in the pool, the lifeguard would probably have shouted at me for diving...

Still at least I had done a great length. It was possibly close to perfection. Is this life's way of telling me to give it up and go and join the rest of once Great Britain stagnating in the back waters....????

As a bit of background to my loss of humour

Last year I was swimming a good 2 to 3 miles a week, since joining a new gym, at the begining of the year and exclude my humilation at swim club (First rule of swim club, never talk about swim club), I have managed a paltry 25 metres in 3 months.... This is because when ever I try and use the pool I run into :-

Hippo training - A.K.A Aqua arobics . Every other pool I've used they just ring fence the hippos and let everyone else take their chance in the rest of the pool....

Swimming Club - I suspect a similar concept to swim club.......so best avoided

Schools - Fair enough I don't want to share the same water as a bunch of fighting, peeing and probably pooing adolesense

Swimming lessons - How cruel is that, teach people to swim but then not let them use their new found skill.....That should be filed under some sort of Chinese Water torture.

Diving club - Since they occupy the bottom of the pool why can't I be allowed to swim along the surface?

Swim for all - Basically a pool full of pensioners, kids and no doubt hippos, waiting for an industrial crane to remove them from the water.

Life savers - Why? Since no one is allowed to swim. Just who are they expecting to save?

Swim Fitness - Billed on their leaflet as :

Sessions with lanes for those who know swimming is the best way to stay active "uninterrupted". Ask for one of our results cards to help you get more out of your time in the pool.

Sorry you are going to have to peel me off the ceiling again, it was during a "Swim Fitness" session that I was stopped after just one length.

Surely I can sue them under the Trades Description Act............

I'm guessing here but I suspect the results card is about the size of a postage stamp, I can't see 25 metres a session taking much room to document.....

This was hardly the :-

Sales lady -"Yes you can swim at any time sir"
I obviously didn't see that she had her fingers crossed and put the fact that she would not look me straight in the eye down to a slight squint.

that I signed up a year's membership for......

----------------------------------------------------------

Politics
Please tell me it is not just me who sees the irony of Gordon Brown getting all animated and excited about the plight of the 14 year old girl who broke down in tears at "his" political rally, because of the poverty trap that her family are caught in and calling for a march for justice dinity and fairness:-
  • Does he not realise that he and his cronies have been in charge of this country for almost the whole of her life?
  • Infact even worse he has been in charge of the Treasury for the majority of those 14 years.  The very place where the girls family work and are so poorly paid. 
  • Who exactly is he calling on people to march against....
I guess that would have to be him......

So perhaps I'm doing him a dis-service and he is more sensible than I'm giving him credit for.....

Perhaps his election slogan should be :

"Anyone but me"

It would be funny if only not so many people had not been caught up in the hype and hugging,  thinking that impassioned words are all it takes.  The man who robbed our pension funds, sold of half our gold reserves at the lowest price in 20 years and steered the country into a deeper depression than most of Europe and left us with  huge debts to boot is looking to steal the election.

If he does the country will get what it deserves,  although frankly I'm not convinced by any politicians but it's probably about time someone else was given a go at the rudder....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll leave you with a few teaser pictures from this weekend, which included Mala and Craig's East/West fusion wedding (I ended up with 3 wedding-related tasks. Will people never learn?). Find out how Mrs B got on after she refused to wear her RoboCop boot. Plus shots of our Safari trip. (Don't get too excited and moan about yet another BlackLOG holiday, this was only to Woburn Safari Park for Bank Holiday Monday - and ,yes, it did rain). I will fill in the details and provide more pictures (If I remember) next week....

Mala enjoying being the centre of attention. 

Mala & Craig looking remarkably relaxed
and cheerful, considering her wedding
dress and their evening wear did not
 arrive from India until 10pm the
night before the wedding.


I could not remember if this was from the wedding or the
aftermath of Mrs B being attacked in the Bird House at
Woburn. Then I realised that I only wear suits for
weddings and funerals and not Safari trips....  


There is a good chance that this owl will be banned
for using a controversial over head stroke....


Much better, although there might be problems
with frightening members of the diving club...


The recent wombat remake of "Alien"
proved very popular down under...

This squirrel monkey reminds me of the joke
aboutthe worlds  shortest pygmy tribe who
get lost in tall grass called the
'Wherethefuckarewe'

A Squirrel Monkey, looking for his nuts.
He's got no chance they are tiny...



As requested by Danica-Dragonfly, Mrs B's Cheap
& Cheerful shoes from last weeks Blog....

28 comments:

  1. In Germany, a group of us tried going to the swimming pool. We ran into these same issues, so we decided to just use the water slide instead. It was all going smoothly, until my fiance got stuck in the slide (don't ask...I have no idea). About 10 angry kids piled up behind him, and then, they asked us all to leave. No more swimming pool in Germany :(

    I like Mrs. B's hat!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brooke said...

    In Germany, a group of us tried going to the swimming pool. We ran into these same issues, so we decided to just use the water slide instead. It was all going smoothly, until my fiance got stuck in the slide (don't ask...I have no idea). About 10 angry kids piled up behind him, and then, they asked us all to leave. No more swimming pool in Germany :(
    With your travel record you could do an expose on lack of swimming opportunities across the world. I'm guessing you don't have a photo of the 10 kiddie pile up on the German slidobahn....I think it may have made the news over here in the UK

    I like Mrs. B's hat!
    She will be pleased, although I believe it is actually a head band

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marvellous post this week! Made me laugh out loud, luckily no punters in vicinity. The wedding photos (all two of them) are so beautiful, will expect to see more this weekend please. Looking forward to seeing you both, though talk at our house is all of doggy sex and what day of dog cycle it is (no wheels involved). It may come to pass that you have to accompany to a dog 'coupling' (why does everything always happen all at once?) Brace yourselves.....

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  4. You make me laugh ... out loud.

    Wow! Your pool sucks! Or blows ... whichever best applies. (I'm certain you'll let me know)

    Around here, we have three choices for pools: The University, a local hotel or the youth detention facility ... yes, you read that right. We can go swimming at the jail ... not so sure I'd want to be breaking their rules in a hurry. So it's crammed, scammed or jammed where swimming is concerned.

    Love the cheapy shoes, too - thanks for the photo.

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  5. You should have really freaked her out and started doing the backstroke! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. skipperthewonderhorse said...

    Marvellous post this week! Made me laugh out loud, luckily no punters in vicinity. The wedding photos (all two of them) are so beautiful, will expect to see more this weekend please.
    You can be so demanding....

    Looking forward to seeing you both, though talk at our house is all of doggy sex and what day of dog cycle it is (no wheels involved). It may come to pass that you have to accompany to a dog 'coupling' (why does everything always happen all at once?) Brace yourselves..... So let me get this straight, you are expecting Mrs B and I to go dogging with you,Hmmmm????

    ReplyDelete
  7. Is a results card the same as a complaint card? If so you should definitely fill one out.

    Love Mala's dresses. She made a beautiful bride. And Mrs. B headwear is fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Danica-Dragonfly said...

    You make me laugh ... out loud.
    Well you are getting a better deal than Mrs B, I had her in tears again when I accidently knocked her bad leg

    Wow! Your pool sucks! Or blows ... whichever best applies. (I'm certain you'll let me know)
    Why not split the difference and go for blucks, unfortunately sows doesn't really cut the mustard....

    Around here, we have three choices for pools: The University, a local hotel or the youth detention facility ... yes, you read that right. We can go swimming at the jail ... not so sure I'd want to be breaking their rules in a hurry. So it's crammed, scammed or jammed where swimming is concerned.
    What a choice, I'm not sure I would like swimming in the jail, I'd probably keep banging into the bars. I don't drink enough to swim in the university so I guess that leaves me with the 3 metre by 4 metre hotel pool.....

    Love the cheapy shoes, too - thanks for the photo.
    Just be thankful we didn't send you the shoes....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Gingerella said...

    You should have really freaked her out and started doing the backstroke! ;)
    No she had the backstroke covered with the no overhead stroke. I might have got away with doggie paddle though....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nikki said...
    Is a results card the same as a complaint card? If so you should definitely fill one out.
    I don't think they do complaint cards

    Love Mala's dresses. She made a beautiful bride. And Mrs. B headwear is fabulous!
    Now you come over all expert fashion commentator on me....Where were you when I needed you for my fashion expose?

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  11. wow, mrs b is a total babe. she belongs on hollyoaks.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I like to swim in places where I am sure that I won't bump into anyone I know :) Other than in foreign countries I rarely swim :)
    But that pool you described was horrendous!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can't swim. Although I once managed a length of the pool when I was 14/15 I haven't swam/swum/swummed/swimmed since. (I was embarrassed that I merely managed to keep myself alive whilst all the other kids done a trillion lengths without breaking sweat).

    Don't forget that the suit also comes out for those court appearan...ooops, I've said too much, sorry..

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

    wow, mrs b is a total babe. she belongs on hollyoaks.
    I think so as well....However I presume that means you don't think I'm a babe and I probably belong on Grumpy Old Men...That's harsh....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Smileyfreak said...

    I like to swim in places where I am sure that I won't bump into anyone I know :) Other than in foreign countries I rarely swim :)
    But that pool you described was horrendous!

    So what's wrong with being seen by someone you know? Do you suffer from a strange water version of stage fright?

    ReplyDelete
  16. cynicalscribble said...

    I can't swim. Although I once managed a length of the pool when I was 14/15 I haven't swam/swum/swummed/swimmed since. (I was embarrassed that I merely managed to keep myself alive whilst all the other kids done a trillion lengths without breaking sweat).
    Personally I'd plump for swammied. Well done on surviving I just hope that you did not pee in the water. Having swammied since I was about 4 I find it strange that some people never learn. When not fighting with Life Guards it can be good fun.....

    Don't forget that the suit also comes out for those court appearan...ooops, I've said too much, sorry..
    Now come on, I explained those 15 misunderstandings to the various different judges on each of the 15 cases.....as for claims that I got off on 15 different technicalities, it's not my fault that a large bribe is considered a technicality. P.S none of the swans, chipmunks or Ethiopian humpback goats were harmed, except for the ones that died and they got eaten so there is no evidence......

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  17. I've paid so much money to Gyms only to get so irritated by their politics to never want to go. After paying $80 a month for a family membership (I never brought my family) for 5 years I decided to stop. I didn't quit I just stopped paying. I received a note in the mail saying that I missed a month and would have to pay a new joining fee - that was it, I exploded, marched into the office and told them exactly what I thought. They offered to drop the joining fee, even offered me a month free but I would NEVER go back to that place agaain. It's kind of like a relationship. You woo and sweet talk until you finally get her to marry you and then the real you comes out (you know the burping, farting, leave the toilet seat up one).

    Breast stroke - "Isn't that banned under some "no petting" rule?"

    HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

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  18. Sheila Sultani said...

    I've paid so much money to Gyms only to get so irritated by their politics to never want to go. After paying $80 a month for a family membership (I never brought my family) for 5 years I decided to stop. I didn't quit I just stopped paying. I received a note in the mail saying that I missed a month and would have to pay a new joining fee - that was it, I exploded, marched into the office and told them exactly what I thought. They offered to drop the joining fee, even offered me a month free but I would NEVER go back to that place agaain. It's kind of like a relationship. You woo and sweet talk until you finally get her to marry you and then the real you comes out (you know the burping, farting, leave the toilet seat up one).
    That reminds me of the episode of "Friends" where Chandler wanted to quit the Gym only they put him under so much pressure when ever he tried to hand in his notice..... . Fortunately I pay for my membership on an annual basis, so at the end of the year I'm free to walk away. Friends who pay monthly seem to get caught in a Catch 22 "You can't quit your membership unless you have paid up in full, only you can't pay up in full until you quit your membership. Try getting out of that one without moving....

    Breast stroke - "Isn't that banned under some "no petting" rule?"

    HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!


    I'm glad at least someone noticed that little gem....

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  19. Hi Niel,

    Here is my attempt to post a comment on your blog using your detailed instructions. It's a great blog this week and can't believe what happened at the pool. How utterly frustrating.
    Beautiful photo's of the wedding and wildlife as well.
    Look forward to next weeks installment.

    Kirsty x

    ReplyDelete
  20. Enjoyed the swim club story. Suppose the dramatic exit would have been worse if you'd stormed into the women's changeroom. You were correct to call that owl up on the illegal stroke...

    ReplyDelete
  21. I went swimming the other day, too, which was great and as i got there early, it was nearly nobody in the water! Your must know that I have been a professional swimmer for 15 years!!!

    Cheers from a grey Berlin where it is raining cats and dogs (and I forgot my umbrella at home)
    Anja

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kirsty Said

    Hi Niel,

    Here is my attempt to post a comment on your blog using your detailed instructions. It's a great blog this week and can't believe what happened at the pool. How utterly frustrating.
    Beautiful photo's of the wedding and wildlife as well.

    Well done, I see you didn't fully follow the instructions but close enough. Yeah, not the best experience. I should probably take the savings from trading Nuffield for Active"as long as it does not involve swimming"One and build my own pool....

    Look forward to next weeks instalment.
    So am I, just not sure what will be in it

    ReplyDelete
  23. Alan W. Davidson said...

    Enjoyed the swim club story. Suppose the dramatic exit would have been worse if you'd stormed into the women's changeroom.
    You will never know how close I came...

    You were correct to call that owl up on the illegal stroke...
    A lot of people would have let it go but those owls

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anja said

    I went swimming the other day, too, which was great and as i got there early, it was nearly nobody in the water! Your must know that I have been a professional swimmer for 15 years!!!
    Sounds like you did better than me.....No I didn't know you were a professional Swimmer - Did you go to the Olympics and/or win loads of medals?????

    Cheers from a grey Berlin where it is raining cats and dogs (and I forgot my umbrella at home)
    I wouldn't worry about it being a professional swimmer, it's not like you are going to drown or anything......

    P.S if you get the chance can you save me a Dachshund and a couple of Siamese cats....

    ReplyDelete
  25. The thought that they locked in in the Crystal Maze only to remain there forever is PRECISELY what freaked me out!! Such a stressful time in my young life.

    Those swimming lanes will be the death of me, you either have to power at the speed of Michael Phelps or do doggy paddle to try and fit in with what everyone else is doing.

    Also if it was the recreation bit of the pool how are people not allowed to raise their hands?! Are they having fun in a restrained manner?!

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Girl said...
    The thought that they locked in in the Crystal Maze only to remain there forever is PRECISELY what freaked me out!! Such a stressful time in my young life. For anyone slightly confused, this is the reply to my comment on the Girls post I bet you have never seen any of the people who were locked in ever again….Please note, any one who has seen or indeed was one of the people who got trapped in the Crystal Maze, please don’t respond I have a mental picture of people locked inside the cages for ever for their failure and I’m not ready to let it go yet…..

    Those swimming lanes will be the death of me, you either have to power at the speed of Michael Phelps or do doggy paddle to try and fit in with what everyone else is doing. I guess the compromise is to actually swim like Michael Phelps doing doggy paddle…..

    Also if it was the recreation bit of the pool how are people not allowed to raise their hands?! Are they having fun in a restrained manner?!
    I’m not sure it is possible to have fun in a restrained manner, that’s a bit like trying to eat without chewing or sneezing with your eyes open…..Besides I suspect there is a strict no enjoyment bylaw at the pool

    ReplyDelete
  27. GAH!

    Stupid swim rules.

    I have actually taken a water aerobics class, and while I am easily 45 years younger than any other carefully made up person there, I had a nice time. Granted, I wasn't trying to swim, which would have made a difference, sure.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Suniverse said...
    GAH!

    Stupid swim rules.

    The first rule about swimclub, we don’t type about swimclub

    I have actually taken a water aerobics class, and while I am easily 45 years younger than any other carefully made up person there, I had a nice time. Granted, I wasn't trying to swim, which would have made a difference, sure.
    I’m afraid to say I call these the Hippo classes – the second rule with swimclub never mess with the Hippos…

    ReplyDelete

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