This week practically falling over to get the BlackLOG to you

This is a relatively short Blog this week as I’ve been a little under the weather, due to an ongoing cold (possibly man flu) that has developed into an ear infection, leaving me a bit more unbalanced than usual. Those with long memories might recall I had a similar problem last year. The nice lady doctor only made me wait for 2 hours, leaving me exposed to a room full of, no doubt, infectious and diseased people (is a doctor’s waiting room really the best place for them?) before prescribing 84 pills and telling me to try not to fall over so much. It’s a shame I didn’t tell her I thought I was a pair of curtains because at least telling me to pull myself together would have been a lot funnier…..

This made Bank Holiday Monday a complete write off for us, as I spent most of it in bed, while poor Mrs B, still struggling with her broken leg, tried to look after me. The cats thought it was Christmas and rather than lend a helping paw spent the day curled up around me. I was just praying they weren’t doing their impression of the Death Cat  from an episode of House.M.D.  The one where the hospital cat curled up on the bed of anyone who was just about to shuffle of their mortal coil….Mischief happily played possum for most of the day, while McG did a bit of pacing around me, almost like he was measuring me for his food bowl, before settling down. You just have to love him…..

So all you get this week is my entries for a small online photo competition, over at yellow house. We made it out for a bike ride on Sunday (yes, Mrs B* is braving the bike with a partially mended leg) and I happened to take a couple of appropriate photographs that I’ve entered over at The Yellow House and a Yoga update….

* The “proof that life is unfair” conversation. Just after we had stopped and had tea and cake at the sometimes splendid** Braughing church hall Tea Room -

Mrs B - “Oooh, they have meringues and cream, do you want to share one?”

Me – “Go on then”

Mrs B – “No wait, it will never be as good as my mum makes!”

Me – “Well, what about sharing a slice of the coffee cake?”

Mrs B – “No. We’ve already had cake.”

Me – “But that’s not fair!”

Mrs B – with an angelic smile - “I Know“

** Various organisations take it in turns to run the tea room on a Sunday – some are better than others, not all are Jane Asher . Enough said

Photo competition with this weeks challenge being “Red”

Aarrgghh red - Apprently this

seasons fashion faux pas!

Day of the Triffids - now where is that sea water

 when you really need it?

The British army took a couple of

centuries to work out the subtleties

of camouflage...Still we did beat all

our colour blind opponents.

I saw red in another way, when I popped into our local Tesco's "not so" supermarket and saw a yellow sticker offering a 2 for £5 deal. All very nice, except the individual item in question was priced at only £2.19. I took out the offer label (does that count as shop lifting or vandalism?) and when I was at the till spotted the  duty manager and took the opportunity to point out this bargain of the century :

Duty manager - "Well sir,  it covers a range of goods, which when added together create the bargain"

Me - "The only other goods in the vicinity, with the same offer costs £2.59, so even if you combine them you are still paying 22p more..." - not a bad bit of math’s for early in the morning

Duty manager - "You don't have to take the offer!"

Me - "Don't worry I won’t. I’m just trying to point out that you are conning your customers"

Duty Manager - "They don't have to take up the offer"

I could have carried on but there was a nice brick wall nearby which looked like I would have more success banging my head against....

I'm looking forward to the:-

Pay for 3, get just 2 offer

Or the equally enticing

Buy 1 get a second for twice the price

Yoga update

I think I have realised why I still carry on with my futile attempts to become supple - it is the pure amount of comedy gold that is potentially available in an average Yoga class and I don’t just mean wind-assisted laughs….

During a recent class, one of the guys, who is normally quite noisy during his poses, was sounding twice as loud and almost orgasmic. In between grunts, groans and genuine sighs, I innocently yelled across to his wife “What’s it like living with Porno Sound Effects guy?” Even the hard core Yogerites managed to laugh at that one. This got me thinking about the different yoga types so far that I’ve come across:

The “Porno Sound Effects” guy – well obviously I’ve just told you about him…

The “Good at everything” girl – Miss or possibly Mrs can make any position look easy and more often than not exclaims afterwards “I wasn’t very good - my third vertebrae was 1/16th of a millimetre out of line….” Grrrr my whole bloody pose was about 3 miles out of line but you don’t hear me moaning about it…..OK, actually you do but that’s down to the excruciating pain…..

The “I’m going to pass wind and not own up to it” woman Generally women of a certain age who stand in front of me and wait until we are both bending forward….Yuck

The “Princess Diana” Stands around looking good but quite frankly a bit of a waste of space….Obviously there is an under pass in Paris with their name on it.

The “Duchess of York” Stands around not looking particularly great, claims she could introduce you to her ex husband and then blames everything on the booze.

The “Bill Clinton” Tries to get off with every woman in the room, prepared to admit to “Improper Yoga” but not “Full Yoga” relationships.

The “Gordon Brown”Makes claims about how good they are, possibly the best there has ever been but are frankly rubbish and who gives away all your yoga stuff for next to nothing, claiming it is the prudent thing to do and then promptly leaves the class in financial ruin.

You might be asking what my yoga type is? Well that would be Wrong Sex Royalty

What, I hear you mutter, in the hell is Wrong Sex Royalty?

Let me explain. Think of the princess and the pea story where a young woman’s royal identity is established by a test of her physical sensitivity……

That would account for the excessive amount of pain I suffer through a class.  As for the royalty aspect that's not as far fetched as it sounds – I’m probably only 32,000,000th in line to the throne.

Leaving just the the wrong sex part of the equation. I have to face it I make about as convincing woman as Susan Boyle (who could be Jimmy Krankies father)  thus making it the prince and the pea.…..

Anyone brave enough to admit their Yoga Type?

Catch you next week and with a little luck I will be feeling better