The signs are not good

Picking up from last week's “No photographs”  sign at Lulworth Cove, I have to admit I did stretch it a tad  – Don’t crucify me, I do admit to it up front, if you ever bother to read the top section, that the truth can be stretched for entertainments sake.  What would you rather - a blow by blow account of my life ?

"Alarm goes off.
Move my left leg, which is still slightly asleep.
Get out of bed and scratched my left buttock cheek.
Look down to see Mrs B still sparko.
Move to the bedroom door and open it,

Walk to the stairs

Go down the stairs......."
zzzzzz

The actual wording in Lulworth was “No commercial photography or painting.” You have to pity the poor artist, they are at a real disadvantage when compared to photographers. Those easels and canvas are a dead giveaway. While the Beast might not be pocket-sized, many of today’s cameras are. Besides the problem with the easel, I suspect it’s a bit difficult to snap off a clandestine painting. Do they sell really fast drying paint……? In my defence, the commercial bit is written like small print on a dodgy contract…..

I’m afraid to say “No Photography” signs are like “Don’t walk on the grass” signs, it just makes me want to break the rule…..Even worse are those “Caution! Hot!” signs. Whose fingers don’t gravitate towards them to check if it’s true? Ouch, invariably they are…..

The UK appears to be going sign mad at the moment with thousands appearing all over the place:

No parking – It’s not so much the "No parking" signs bit that I object to, some of these are almost sensible, it’s when they deliberately make signs to confuse people into getting parking tickets.

You can park here on a Thursday

after 6pm if the parking  attendant

is wearing Green  socks  and  has

 not had a argument with his wife.

We almost got caught out in Dorset when we parked for 5 hours in a car park. Mrs B had put in £5 to cover the £1 an hour charge. It turns out that despite all the other car parks in the area getting cheaper the longer you parked, this one had stated, in small print, that after 4 hours it became £4 an hour.  Fortunately for us the parking attendant was still arguing with his wife and so had not got around to giving us a parking ticket….

"No turning" - What a jolly friendly little sign these are, especially in a no through road  …..if I had enough money I would purchase loads of cars and just abandon them by every one of those damn signs, putting a little note on the windscreen saying. “OK, how do I get my car back then?”

"No swimming" - OK, when it is in a dangerous area like a waterfall or near rapids or even a sewage plant….but in a swimming pool? – No, I say, no it’s too much….

"No mobile phones" - I think I can understand this one in hospitals and petrol (gas if you like) stations ( but I recently saw one of these on the door to a café toilet. What were they worried about, that someone was going to tweet about having a dump in there….?)

"Drive carefully little princess on board" – Well done, so you have proved you can reproduce but why does that mean you expect everyone else to compensate for your driving inadequacies

"Police - accident" - There are so many of these about it begs the question “Why are the police not banned from driving on the roads?”

"Police - slow" - More proof: all those police accidents must be down to the police’s excessive speeding

It makes me want to put up loads of “No signs, except this sign” signs. Only I deeply suspect I am not alone out there and lots of people with burnt fingers will only be inspired to create new signs …

Are there any signs out there that annoy/amuse you?

Eclipsed by Mrs B
Apart from suffering signoyance - Oh yes another new word for you guys to get your teeth into, don’t tell me I don’t know how to look after you…..OK, which of you clever dicks put up the sign:

 “No creating  new 

 words by  mashing 

 old words together

Sorry about that distraction. Some of you can be so cruel….

Apart from the joys of signoyance,  the highlight for me was Mischief jumping on my knee and promptly having a five minute sneezing fit. While you might not think it exciting, it sure as hell eclipsed Sunday, when I got a fatal (certainly for our bike ride) puncture and unfortunately still managed to make it home in time for “that” game* . I can tell you, you haven’t lived until you have been covered in cat nasal spray. The little minx was not sneezing before and has not sneezed since. Don’t be surprised if I come down with some sort of feline flu….. Symptoms of which are 95% sleep addiction, 5% special ability to be distracted by wriggly bits of string, 5% eating (25% in McG’s case)  and a loss of basic maths ability….

* We have the Ashes in cricket, based on the death of English cricket.Things were so bad we should probably do the same for English International football, except I’m not sure it’s legal to burn players anymore, even the rubbish ones…. P.S. I over heared a rumour that Mr Rooneys poor showing was down to having been caught with a Lady of negotiable virtue** before the World Cup had even started. It is a good source - a girl reading out a text to her mate as they left Tesco's – The News of the World would pay good money for that level of reliability…..

** That’s probably the end of her career, imagine the shame of being caught in bed with a pink version of Shrek .

Mischief - The snot queen

"Are you sniffing at me....?" 

Mrs B on the other hand has had a much more interesting week - invited to Wimbledon she got to watch: Andy Murray, Rafa Nadal and her Maj (No not Madonna, the other Maj - the not so musical one).  I think Mrs B and Mini Beast did an admirable job capturing the event….I might have to retire….I’m starting a campaign to get Mrs B to start her own Blog or at the very least make guest blog appearances.  While I have to work really hard to be this mediocre, Mrs B is naturally funny without trying…..

 

Photo finish

A Mrs B and Mini Beast special

Her Majness looking a bit different as she 

unveils  her latest look.  A change 

from her  Sex Coffee Table Book days

Jarkko Nieminen knew the game

was up once his ball toss lodged

in the woman's cleavage...

Is it ever a good time to let Caroline Wozniacki  

know that her dress is caught in her knickers

and that she has a chicken stuck on her head?

Is that a ball in his pocket or is Nadal

just pleased to see Mrs B?

OK, we know Nadal has great buns but

coudn't the line judge make their pervert

stare a bit less obvious....

Murray regrets choosing such a hard pose

during an early round of musical statues...

For the record I had a bumper week for complimentary music for this issues topics and if you hang around long enough you will hear.... 

Sign of the Times – Prince

Her Majesty – Not sure who the artists is? but I though it was a fun cover of the Beatles last track on Abbey Road. I don’t normally like Beatles covers but there are a few exceptions, for example Fiona Apple – Across the Universe and the soundtrack to the film “I am Sam”
Sign of the Times – The Belle Stars
Born under a bad sign – Jimmy Hendrix

Catch you next week