Friday 18 March 2011

Indoor skiing and trouble with towels

Blog of War

Anyone fancy a bit of fun – if you have not already signed up there is still time…

It will be  blog on blog action – with competitors going head to head against each other in a knock out competition.

The ultimate prize will be bragging rights as the inaugural Blog of War Champion (I might even create a special one off button) – along the way you will discover other great bloggers, have a bit of fun and hopefully attract, or possibly repel, some new readers….

If interested send me your Blog address and a contact email to

niel.black@ntlworld.com with a subject title “Blog of War – I’m interested in giving it a tug….”

Closing date for entries is 2nd April.

If you like the sound of it, I would appreciate it if you would advertise the “Blog of War” on your own blog site, whether you wish to enter yourself or just want enjoy the competition as a voyeur...

Indoor Skiing
We went skiing this week to the Hemel Hempstead snow dome. The best description I can give it, is 160 metres of slightly sloping fridge. I think I managed to get halfway down my second run (around two minutes into our hour long session – which is 240 metres for any amateur mathematicians out there or 240.3567876 metres for you pure mathematicians, I know how precise you guys like to be….) before boredom started to set in.

Indoor slopes are OK if you are a beginner. In fact I would actively encourage more beginners to go to the slopes , as the nearest I came to entertainment was skiing as close to the novices as possible, without actually touching them, with the aim of making them fall over. I got to about a 75% success rate before the ski patrol gave me some warning glares. It’s a shame I didn’t make a ski for it, I could have had some Key Stone Cops style fun dashing down the slope and then back up the pommel with security in hot pursuit . Not too hot though, I wouldn’t have wanted to see the fridge thawing out on us.

At least Mrs B got to demo some skis*. One pair was said to be good for the moguls (No, not muggles, you filthy mud bloods, I said moguls) while the other pair were recommended for rocketing down pristinely manicured pistes. Since there were no moguls or even enough of a slope to get much above 50mph, before having to yank on the brakes and pick beginner skiers out of her teeth, Mrs B could only give them the following fridge rating :-

• The first pair looked very good on the top shelf but were a bit too thin and kept slipping down to the shelf below

• While the second pair kept clashing with the slightly out of date yogurt and a leftover chicken carcass….

The search for a replacement set of skis for Mrs B goes on…..

* Her last pair having worn out after 7 years of stylish service. My skis tend to last longer because I don’t go in for any of that fancy turning malarkey, preferring to just point the skis downhill and aim for the soft spots…..

The trouble with towels
I’ve been in a bit of bother with Mrs B this week. Apparently for the last 20 years we have had a colour code for our towels. I was never informed of this or for that matter even noticed that each week we have a different designated towel colour - I vaguely recall being admonished for taking the wrong colour towel to the gym but I was always too exhausted, on my return, to take it all in.

Since I often get into the shower (I told you that smell wasn’t me) without checking the contents of the towel rail, I frequently find myself dripping around the house, belatedly looking for something to dry myself off with …. At this point I don’t have time to run through any complicated matrix to establish what towel colour I should be using. I work on the more immediate “find whatever is nearest system” (The cats have learned from experience to stay well clear) grabbing the first towel that comes to hand (I use a similar system for discarding towels, i.e drop it as soon as I no longer need it, which for some reason Mrs B also finds objectionable. That might be because, more often than not, the damp towel seems to end up on the bed - more specifically on Mrs B’s side of our bed. Now either I’ve been lucky in the past and always managed to accidently grab the correct colour towel or I’ve finally worn away Mrs B’s tolerance.

In either case, here’s an idea, why don’t all our towels come in the same colour…? I can then use any towel I come across, in my soggy travel around the house, without cocking up “Towel Feng Shui”, or whatever the hell is the driving force behind our draconian colour co-ordinated towelling system…. Certainly works for me, otherwise I’m going to have to fall back on the old colour-blind defence…..

Possible future conversation with Mrs B

Let’s see, I was on the road to Damascus (no that won’t wash, rather like our un-washing machine - See show me the Sunny below)…. I was on the road to Tescos (better, remind me to try and get some revenue for future product placement) when I ran into an Angel of the Lord  a second hand towel salesman (played by Samuel L. Jackson) who was so annoyed that I had run him over that he smote me down and in a deep voice declared (See? It had to be Samuel L. Jackson, only he has the power in his voice to carry the scene):


“From this day forward you will be colour blind….. but only for towels….”

There were mitigating circumstances…. He had stepped out right in front of me and I had hit the brakes almost immediately and only knocked him back a couple of hundred feet. (It’s all in day’s work for Mr  Jackson.). Plus luckily for me he only had powers limited to towel and towel related products.... 

What chance of Mrs B buying any of it?

What chance of my Editor (Mrs B) not censoring it?
(Please note if you have got this far and have not seen a reference to towels she probably censored it, either that or you have been skip reading again...In which case don't, in between the rubbish is some blogging gold)

Tune in next week, where I can guarantee you won’t find out the answers as I will have no doubt moved onto a number of other random subjects….

Show me the Sunny
Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

The end of a week of relatively sunny weather has coincided with the replacement of our Vampire solar panel system (see last week if you missed out on that story) with what appears instead to be a scare-the-shit- out-of-the-sun model . This has proved  very effective and we have not seen a single drop of sunlight since it was installed….Grrrrr. Thus our cloudy investment has given us the following return so far

KW Produced so far - 286

This has earned us approximately – £121 so far

KW generated in the week – 23 (Actualy this was for the last two weeks, much of which our solar panels spent in a coma, brought about no doubt by sunstroke....)

Putting us another 500 years behind on our break-even plan….

Some good news, we did make some minor power savings this week when our washing machine broke down but these were adequately wiped out by the hefty repair bill….

Record of the week

Love is a wonderful colour by The Icicle Works - but only if it matches this week’s towels

Bring Me Sunshine by Eric & Ernie – No longer depressed by seeing the sun, I'm now like the majority of people on the planet (excluding without prejudice - Albinos, Vampires and Scottish people) depressed by not seeing it....

Photo Finish
The Beast had a quiet week, so no new shots.  He could not even be bothered to take some seditious towel shots.  However, to get over the disappointment that is fridge skiing and to put us in the mood for our skiing holiday in 9 days time I have resurrected some shots  from last years holiday.  You may well ask why no shots of me skiing, well someone has to hold the camera and looking at some of the crash shots I think it more than justifies my decision to be that person……


(Shot 1)

Joe's little brother Alex, proving that
snowboarders are at least good for
something, even if it is only
 great jumpshots....


 
(Shot 2.1)

 Mrs B floating like a butterfly.....

(Shot 2.2)

 lands like a tree....


(Shot 3.1) 

 Joe, proving the harder you ski..... 

(Shot 3.2)

the more spectacular
your demise will be....


(Shot 4)

 Kirsty – Joe’s iPhone footage of her fall was classic
but Sadly it would not load onto the blog....The
 photo gives a little bit of the flavour .. 

Kitsty.:- “Wooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

Crash......


(Shot 5)

 I do hope we see the return of the tourettes
skiier this year.  The holiday would not be
 the same without a solo from Lisa...

Turn
Turn
Fuck

Turn
Turn
Fuck

That's another week gone, hope to see you next time...

28 comments:

  1. I had NO idea that you could do indoor skiing, that is crazy! I would feel so odd! Maybe you should write the towel thing down :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Krystal said...
    I had NO idea that you could do indoor skiing, that is crazy! I would feel so odd!
    Now that’s easy for someone who lives with the Swiss mountains on their doorstep….It's slightly better than the plastic slopes "dry slope skiing as it is called" that used to be all the rage....

    Maybe you should write the towel thing down :)
    I thought I just had….

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great photos Niel... Can't wait for Val d'Isere now!

    I would love to see what sort of speed you could clock up in Hemel... Maybe take the speedometer next time (thats if there is one by the sounds of things). I don't think any straight line 2010 speed demon records will be broken though!

    PS: Thanks for the coffee and cake today!

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  4. I don't ski. I'd fall down. And when I fell down I'd likely break a hip. I'm not much for sports of any kind, unless it's watching MMA. I love watching grown men beat the living shit out of each other. LOL

    Towels always make me think of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Indeed, I was quite disappointed to find that there was absolutely no reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide at all in the towel section.

    Great pics. Shot 2.2 looks about like how I'd land, except for my leg would be bent all askew at an unnatural angle and my hip would be popped out of joint.

    Love your post, as I love all your posts!

    Have a great Sunday!

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  5. good luck with Blog of War, and have a GREAT holiday. Missing you already!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Joe said...
    Great photos Niel... Can't wait for Val d'Isere now!
    I’m almost building up to a level of excitment

    I would love to see what sort of speed you could clock up in Hemel... Maybe take the speedometer next time (thats if there is one by the sounds of things). I don't think any straight line 2010 speed demon records will be broken though!
    Yeah, I think it will be a while before I try indoor skiing again, if ever…..

    PS: Thanks for the coffee and cake today!
    Our pleasure, my advice is go for the cake next time, not the scones….

    ReplyDelete
  7. Raven said...
    I don't ski. I'd fall down.
    No problem The Beast is always ready to capture you at your worst moments

    And when I fell down I'd likely break a hip. I'm not much for sports of any kind, unless it's watching MMA. I love watching grown men beat the living shit out of each other. LOL
    MMA? What is that Married Men Attack

    Towels always make me think of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Indeed, I was quite disappointed to find that there was absolutely no reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide at all in the towel section.
    If Ford Prefect had, had an obsession with the colour of the towel I would have included a reference in a heartbeat… I’m disappointed however that you did not spot the Vogon poetry secreted between the lines


    Great pics. Shot 2.2 looks about like how I'd land, except for my leg would be bent all askew at an unnatural angle and my hip would be popped out of joint.
    Mrs B did break her leg skiing last year….No that was not the shot, I’m not that callous

    Love your post, as I love all your posts!

    Have a great Sunday!
    Thank you, (said with slight bush)

    ReplyDelete
  8. skipperthewonderhorse said...
    good luck with Blog of War, and have a GREAT holiday. Missing you already!
    We will see you on the 9th to celebrate the Farmers half century…

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm hella excited about his blog war! I'm going to be promoting it the next post asap!!!

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  10. "Towel Feng Shui!" OMG, women are the same all over the world! There are towels I'm not even allowed to use, because "those are for company." Of course, company either rarely shows up or, if they do, they are frikkin' afraid of disrupting the "towel feng shui" (I've adopted the term). They then go rooting around under the sink for a hand towel which, of course, doesn't cover their bum. The result is that they must dash, dripping and half-naked, to the guest room before being spotted by us or humped by the dog, who isn't above a little inter-species action.

    ReplyDelete
  11. THUNDERCAT832 said...
    I'm hella excited about his blog war! I'm going to be promoting it the next post asap!!!
    Excellent, it would be much appreciated. I see you are practicing in a Battle of the Blogs, hope that is going well.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Al Penwasser said...
    "Towel Feng Shui!" OMG, women are the same all over the world! There are towels I'm not even allowed to use, because "those are for company." Of course, company either rarely shows up or, if they do, they are frikkin' afraid of disrupting the "towel feng shui" (I've adopted the term).
    OMG, women are the same all over the world! I think that might be the problem, women tend to be more consistent than us cavemen

    They then go rooting around under the sink for a hand towel which, of course, doesn't cover their bum. The result is that they must dash, dripping and half-naked, to the guest room before being spotted by us or humped by the dog, who isn't above a little inter-species action.
    Glad that came out properly, if the guests had been spotted by the dog you didn’t leave yourself much room for manoeuvre…..

    ReplyDelete
  13. I come by way of Al (please don't judge me for that.. although I can't help myself the man is funny as hell) to check out your Blog War. And then I find out you have not known of a towel color coding for how long? This is so typical for men to pay no attention whatsoever. Mine work down the hierarchy until they become towels used for the dog, although I swear she turns her nose up at them.

    TalkativeTaurus.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm loving the Show me the Sunny section! 'Vampire solar system' and 'scare the shit out of the sun model' Bwahahaaa!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. your comment made me laugh, I like your style- especially your blog competition, for bragging rights no less

    ReplyDelete
  16. Krissy said...
    I come by way of Al (please don't judge me for that.. although I can't help myself the man is funny as hell) to check out your Blog War.
    Yes I do wish he was not that funny, I can’t just can’t compete. After I come back from a visit to Penwasser Place I feel like I’m going on stage after Billy Connelly or Eddie Izzard and trying to tell very lame Knock Knock jokes…..

    And then I find out you have not known of a towel color coding for how long? This is so typical for men to pay no attention whatsoever.
    Sorry were you saying something?

    Mine work down the hierarchy until they become towels used for the dog, although I swear she turns her nose up at them.
    Our towels work the other way, we inherit them once our cats have finished with them. It takes about a month before they stop shedding excess fur, during which time my receding hairline gets either a ginger or black boost …

    ReplyDelete
  17. Kernut the Blond said...
    I'm loving the Show me the Sunny section! 'Vampire solar system' and 'scare the shit out of the sun model' Bwahahaaa!!!
    I’m thinking of giving it, it’s very own Blog page. Just as soon as it starts paying its way….Which is currently predicted to be about August 26th 2172.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Miss Caitlin S. said...
    your comment made me laugh,
    That’s a little harsh, I put before you the sad story of the decline of our family at the hands of Mammoth Auncle Beartnie the hermaphrodite ….. .

    I like your style- especially your blog competition, for bragging rights no less
    Wow, you were impressed by bragging rights as a prize, you can come again….But was it enough to convince you to enter

    ReplyDelete
  19. Awesome BlackLog this week, as always.
    I miss skiing so. This was the first winter in years I really had the urge to buy myself a new pair & hit the slopes for old times sake. And obviously for the thrill & making new memories.

    I would probably get extremely bored of indoor skiing. Although, if the tourettes skiier were to show up then, it would make it ALL worthwhile.

    Funny as hell about the towels. I like the systematic way Mrs. B thinks, though.

    The Samuel Jackson excerpt was too clever. lol

    I know better than to ever skip read this blog or you WILL miss out on some comedic gold.

    And wonderful shots!! Glad you all had such a time!

    ReplyDelete
  20. LilPixi said...

    Awesome BlackLog this week, as always.
    I miss skiing so. This was the first winter in years I really had the urge to buy myself a new pair & hit the slopes for old times sake. And obviously for the thrill & making new memories.
    - Once you are properly back on your feet you should hit the slopes….

    I would probably get extremely bored of indoor skiing. Although, if the tourettes skiier were to show up then, it would make it ALL worthwhile. - I’m not sure even our tourettes skier would be enough to keep you entertained

    Funny as hell about the towels. I like the systematic way Mrs. B thinks, though. - I think dictatorial is a more appropriate term….

    The Samuel Jackson excerpt was too clever. Lol - Worked out a bit expensive, the man does not come cheap

    I know better than to ever skip read this blog or you WILL miss out on some comedic gold. - Sadly dust rather than large nuggets.

    And wonderful shots!! Glad you all had such a time! - Just hope that history repeats for us next week, I can’t see us being as lucky with the snow….

    ReplyDelete
  21. Whatever - he has his towel and I have mine. End of. I don't want to use the same towel to dry my face after he used it to dry his ass - I KNOW what's come outta there and I'm not impressed.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lady Estrogen said...
    Whatever - he has his towel and I have mine. End of. I don't want to use the same towel to dry my face after he used it to dry his ass - I KNOW what's come outta there and I'm not impressed. - The last thing you dry is probably your ass…..The first thing you dry is probably your face….Just saying….keep those towels fresh

    ReplyDelete
  23. Why are men so strange about towels? There really is no magic system. The guest towels are pretty evident. They are not to rub your grubby hands on or to wipe off your toothpaste from your mouth. We have four (4) bathrooms. If we keep one very pristine for guests, why do men feel the need to use that one bathroom out of four? Why indeed? Because it's there?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Linda Medrano said...
    Why are men so strange about towels? There really is no magic system. The guest towels are pretty evident. They are not to rub your grubby hands on or to wipe off your toothpaste from your mouth. We have four (4) bathrooms. If we keep one very pristine for guests, why do men feel the need to use that one bathroom out of four? Why indeed? Because it's there?
    It’s a territorial thing, think cats and trying to keep them out of anywhere, it becomes their sole reason for existence, as soon as you give them access they lose interest….So just give us men free reign over the towels and we will soon fall into line…..well maybe…

    ReplyDelete
  25. "Sadly dust rather than large nuggets."

    No freakin' way!! We need to all rally & promote the EFF out of this blog, imo. ;-)
    I'd be a lil more empty & incomplete had I never found it.

    And have a blast on the next ski trip. I think I may have missed my opportunities on that fun this year. Still, no hurry for next winter.

    ReplyDelete
  26. LilPixi said...
    "Sadly dust rather than large nuggets."
    No freakin' way!! We need to all rally & promote the EFF out of this blog, imo. ;-)
    I'd be a lil more empty & incomplete had I never found it.

    I’m blushing now, although that might be overexposure to mountain sun.

    And have a blast on the next ski trip. I think I may have missed my opportunities on that fun this year. Still, no hurry for next winter.
    Reporting live from slope side in Val D’isere after our first day on the Piste, a good day, although we could do with some more snow at lower altitudes…Please send some if you have any spare....A couple of those cool boxes full would do for starters.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ha ha ha. My guy and I have a difference of opinion on kitchen towels in that he is blind to the fact that some towels are (OBVIOUSLY) decorative and should not be used to clean of marinara sauce, ect. Men, woman and towels. They just don't mix!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Jules said...
    Ha ha ha. My guy and I have a difference of opinion on kitchen towels in that he is blind to the fact that some towels are (OBVIOUSLY) decorative and should not be used to clean of marinara sauce, ect. Men, woman and towels. They just don't mix!
    Jules thanks for visiting and leaving a comment….Ah the tricky problem of Kitchen towels opens a whole new can of worms…..and don’t get me started on decorative towels what a weird concept that is , on the same level as a chocolate fireguard in my humble (but correct*) opinion

    * Please note this is only my judgment and probably won’t stand up in a slight breeze, yet alone a court of law…

    ReplyDelete

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