Murder Mystery and toilet roll expense

For those of you who read the last BlackLOG I left you in a bit of suspense.   As I exited the Love and Money gig I realised that in my excitement of having a photo pass and the stress of fighting my way through London rush hour traffic, I had forgotten where I had left  Carruthers (our black BMW) having dumped him in the first free space that I could find before sprinting (as much as the weight of  The Beast and the kitchen sink would allow – so more of a slow lollop really) to the venue doors. 

It took me three streets and a few panic-filled  moments to find Carruthers because in the dark and in a blind panic all roads start to blur into one.  I almost hugged  the car in my excitement at finding him, although that was mainly due to me  tripping over the pavement as I surged towards the familiar shape.  Wasting no time I  leaped on board,  with just a brief pause to drop the roof before speeding off into the west London night.  I felt a bit like King Harold,  almost 950 years before me, rushing towards his destiny with William the Conqueror* at Hastings.  

* Although it would have been William the Bastard in those days – it’s amazing what a major victory in battle can do for your historical standing....  

I arrived at the Oast House at about half past midnight and made my way in through the unlocked front door to be greeted by a deafening silence. I checked in the living room, kitchen and dining room, the two bedrooms downstairs, all empty – it was like discovering a land-locked Marie Celeste – 4 cars out front but no sign of life inside ....  I made my way upstairs and discovered a second living room, kitchen and dining room and to my relief Mrs B and the gang chatting away.  The weekend away could begin....     

On Saturday we piled into 3 cars and made for Battle –  The Abbey and Town built around the battlefield for the last English defeat on home soil, if you exclude the many sporting disasters that seem to haunt our football, cricket and rugby teams.... returning early in order to prepare for the evening, changing not only into 60’s style clothing but also into character for the nights entertainment, a murder mystery dinner party.

Interactive bit

While you might not have attended our weekend I don't see why you should miss out on all the fun. So after attempting the difficult task of trying to work out if I survived last week’s adventure**,  this week you have the relatively easy task of studying the nine reprobates below and deciding which of them was guilty of the weekends murder....

** OK,  I was a bit disappointment that some readers seemed to take this as an opportunity to never return – well the laughs on them, I did in fact survive...

The nine suspects

Mary-Jane Faithless – AKA -  Shonagh

Used to be famous as the girlfriend of Lord Michael Jagged,
now famous as a pop singer.   Like her fellow Scot –
Sean Connery – you get the impression that no matter what
part Shonagh plays it will be with a Scottish accent :-

-    You want a Spanish actress  meet Penélope McCruz            

-    You need a female Russian Submarine Captain may       
I present to you Anastasia Morag Menshikov           

Terence Shrimp – AKA – Phil

An East end London boy who has made it big as a  Society
photographer a dedicated follower of just about anything....
Like Alfie – although more like the Jude Law version than
the Michael Caine one. 

Martin X - AKA - me***

A highly controversial loud American political theorist, some people find
him intimidating, while others think you are just mad – The only thing
that I was guilty of murdering was the American accent – as it hopped
around  the west coast, the east coast, Texas and other parts of the world
not even vaguely connected to America. The only good thing to be said
about my attempted accent was that it was consistently inconsistent  and
so spectacularly bad that anyone watching was too horrified to even
notice my appalling attempts at over acting...

*** For someone who hates smoking with a passion
I rather worryingly quite enjoyed using a fake pipe  

Big Ron  AKA  Oliver Steed

Actor, Raconteur, hell-raiser, larger than life and twice as
 loud...At times Big Ron was like Gary Oldham with accents
and facial expressions .

Kitty Killer AKA Mrs B

Celebrated journalist and biographer so glamorous that  she is
often more famous than the people she writes about....Played  it
like a young Joanna Lumley (but not as Pasty from AbFab) and
showed off Mrs B’s diverse AmDram heritage which included
playing a goat, the Statue of Liberty and her commended part
for her Liverpool accent while playing a Welsh Bus conductress

 

Christian AKA Brian Sewer

Wine critic and wine-snob.  Sneering, patronising and often
downright rude,  Christian went off script and added a
number of "pfnarfs" and a "guffaw" that were
Oscar worthy...

Tamara Fara-Buckworth AKA Lisa

Famous for being famous , no social event would be complete
without her....big Ron named her Banana hairy F*cktooth

Champagne Charlie Bunson AKA  Stunt Cock AKA Joe

A businessman and entrepreneur, who for some reason is feared
throughout  the East End of London.  Some people think he is a
gangster but have never been convicted of anything - Not even
for Stunt cock’s terrible accent or acting. Possibly as bad as me..

Babs Crayfish – AKA Kirsty 

Champagne Charlie’s latest squeeze but an actress in her own
right or will be if someone is looking for a role for a complete
airhead... Kirsty was fortunate to have been born in Harlow
hospital so could draw down on her blonde Essex roots...she
took to the part like a duck to pâté and unlike her H’s Kirsty
never dropped the accent or her persona  once throughout
the entire evening....

 So if you want to play just drop down to the comment section and name the murderer.

The Oast house our venue for the weekend  

The venue for our weekend reunion was a rather fabulous Oast House near Hastings which was only slightly tainted by the owners request to replace any toilet paper we used...surely you build that into the rental costs.  I was all for sticking individual sheets onto the rolls with sell-o-tape but was banned from doing it by the others...This was getting a bit like a Ryan Air flight with hidden Extras at every turn. I was waiting to see if we got a bill at the end of our stay :-

• Use of the front door £1 each way per person – the main reason why I used the windows to go in and out
• Use of beds £5 per hour (or part of an hour) per person
• Use of video recorder (who has video’s these days) £5
• None use of Video recorder £20

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and  Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Franck Muller

King Conquistador

Chronograph 8005  

Xupes price	£10,995.00
RRP	£20,200.00
Saving	£9,205.00

Xupes price

£10,995.00

RRP

£20,200.00

Saving

£9,205.00

This is your chance to acquire an unworn mens Franck Muller King Conquistador Chronograph 8005 K CC stainless steel mens watch on black rubber strap with stainless steel tang buckle. This is the mens size measuring 40mm by 47.5mm. The dial is Black with silver subdials. 

Record of the week

Murder on the dance floor by Sophie Ellis Bextor - well more like murder in the Oast House

Country house by Blur - I can confirm it was in the country and it was a house..... 

Kite by Nick Heyward - In memory of Camber Sands - in truth I was struggeling to find appropriate tunes this week....

Photo Finish

A few snaps to end with



Kite flying on Camber sands



I'm not sure if Big Ron is re-enacting the part of

Christopher Walken (Nick)

in the Deer Hunter

or

Marlon Brando (Colonel Walter E. Kurtz)

in Apocalypse Now.

 

End of another great weekend



 Hope to see you next time....