This week celebrating glorious failure...

Following on from last week’s murder mystery in Hastings*  Mrs B and I found ourselves making a return trip the following weekend. 

* For anyone interested Brian Sewer (aka Christian) was the murderer – The main clues,  all those "pfnarfs" and "guffaws" and glasses on a chain,sure sign of a murderer, probably would have used it to strangle his victim if the poison had not worked.

I blame the unseasonably good weather and  the members of English Heritage who spotted The Beast and mentioned that it was a shame that we were a week early as the next weekend was the Battle of Hastings annual re-enactment –  Typical of us British to celebrate the last time we lost a home game in a European competition....No one else celebrates glorious failure in the same way

Scott of the Antarctic  - came second to the far less famous Roald Amundsen who lost his life and his men in the process.

Charge of the Light Brigade -  They came second, never a good thing in a battle.

Titanic -  Failed to swim the Atlantic ocean – rumour has it that they had run out of Ice in the 1^st class dining room and everyone’s G&T’s were going warm – if only they had stopped to pick up the ice rather than trying to plough right through it....

Guy Fawkes – Famed for his failure to blow up the Houses of Parliament and burned in effigy every 5th of November -

Just think no Houses of Parliament = no MP's expenses scandal

i.e. no greedy, good for nothing, bloodsucking, power hungry bustards leaching off this country like it is their own personal bank account – thanks for nothing Guy Fawkes  Charles the 1^st – Famous for the failure to keep his crown – true a little pointless having a crown when you have lost your head and so don’t have anywhere to keep it  

Harold Godwinson – After beating the Danes a few days earlier all he had to do was to rest his troops and wait for reinforcements - not rush his men into a battle that they were not prepared for with that complete French bastard William.  Apparently when Harold's men complained about all the rushing around he declared that “It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick....” how profound that statement turned out to be...

They always say you should learn from your mistakes.

 Sadly us Brits  just seem to glorify in them....

The problem with re-enactments is that they involve a large number of beardy weirdies  - who traditionally couldn’t get a girlfriend  if they tried picking them up on a street corner and offered to pay them double. 

Not sure what has happened recently but the beardy weirdies for this event seemed to have come with readymade families and, on the surface at least, no rohypnol seemed to have been required.  Perhaps there are certain women who have a thing for leather, chainmail, swords and sharpened axes....   it looks like Saxon and Norman groupies are the new W.A.G.s of the modern age.

The day consisted of:

• Falconry displays
• Various talks about elements of life in Saxon Britain in 1066
• A number of children's activities that we avoided like the plague (OK the  plague wouldn’t hit Britain for another 282 years, but I’m sure you will make allowances for us wanting to avoid other people's snotty nosed little street urchins who are bound to be carrying some sort of germ, bug or virus) 
• Sword and Axe knockout competition – with combatants fighting each other until just one man was left standing.
• Norman horse demonstration – The Saxon army was made up almost entirely of infantry which would have made for a very dull horse demonstration.

Culminating at 4pm in a never to be repeated experience** - the re-enactment of the battle of Hastings itself *** consisting of 600 mainly beardy werdies – including a few women with what I can only hope were fake beards (the actual battle had 16,000 and no women – unless you count the ladies on the side lines busily stitching the Bayeux tapestry - probably the first ever live outside broadcast event) compressed into 1 hour (the actual battle lasted about 8 hours). 

** unless you count - the next day, next year and future years.

*** Which for you accuracy freaks out there took place at Senlac Hill, approximately 10 km (6¹⁄₄ miles) from Hastings.

Mrs B lasted about 45 minutes, her loss of interest can be put down to the lack of deaths on the battle field - despite the commentary stating that the English (Saxon) army was being decimated by the Normans (future English), yet  not one single person managed to lie down and play dead - For the record Mrs B is not normally an uncaring blood thirsty individual, she just happens to be a stickler for accuracy.  I appreciated that only having 4% of the original numbers to play with the organisers wouldn’t want too many deaths at the beginning of the scrap.  However after the equivalent of 6 hours of heavy fighting you wouldn’t expect it to be Nil-Nil  and very much looking like things were heading for a boring no score draw. 

On the plus side Mrs B's sudden loss of interest at least allowed us to get out of the car park and away without getting stuck for hours in the mass exodus – You have to  face it,  battling your way out of a packed car park takes on a whole new meaning when many of the other competitors have swords, spears, battle axes and way too much facial hair for anything other than a werewolf with shaving issues....If only I had still been packing last weekend’s wash bag I could have at least pulled a safety razor on them.

“Let me out  weirdo or the beard gets it....”

Overall the day was great and with next year set to be one of the “Big Ones” i.e. likely to involve 2000+ beardy weardies and the promise (now this is going to be so exciting for any accurists out there that I fear there is a serious danger of some over excitement underwear wetting, so if you do get over excited by accuracy please step back from your PC, I don’t want to be held responsible for your involuntary electrocution - that includes you Mrs B)  that the battle will be fought in the correct orientation i.e. up and down Senlac Hill rather than across its slope as happens most years when there are not enough beardy weardies  to fill the space....I’m kind of tempted to take The Beast back next year for "The Big One". This very much depends on the weather and Mrs B's beardy weirdy tolerance  levels.

All I'm saying is - it's a beard and it looks weird....


Harsh but true....

Vocal combat - fight for the right to argue

All that male testosterone played out in front of me seemed to have an adverse affect and I spent the following week being more confrontational than normal.

PC virus

I was informed by our IT department that my work PC had contracted a virus and was asked to bring it down to the IT department to get the problem resolved.

I was told that if they discovered a virus they could remove it and I could have my PC with the data intact and so I happily went off with a loan machine.

I called back a week later and was told they had isolated the virus and removed it and I could pick up my PC.

Imagine my delight to find they had not only cleaned out the  virus but all my data as well. Grrrrr

Tesco – when is an offer not an offer? When it's a Tesco offer

I was incensed during a recent visit to the local Tesco supermarket when I noticed that one of their tempting offers was not actually an offer at all. A big yellow sticker declaring "2 items for £6" sounds good until you read the small print and notice that all the items in the offer were priced at £3 each, a grand saving of zero pounds - with those levels  of savings we can wave goodbye to the recession and party like it's bed time...

I pointed this out to a passing Assistant Manager who took a very high handed attitude saying that it was very much up to the customer to check what the deal was (sounds a lot like when our government recently had extensive talks with the energy companies,  regarding their over complicated pricing structure for gas and electricity.  Promising action to curb the issue of overcharging customers by confusion....only to declare shortly afterwards that it was up to each customer to find the best deal for themselves.  This was no doubt after brokering a deal with the energy companies for half price gas and electricity for the House of Commons.)

I mentioned that with that sort of attitude Tesco would not need to worry about upsetting customers in the future as people don’t like being ripped off and tend to vote with their feet .  “Sure” I continued - feeling the full might of righteous indignation swelling inside me – “Waitrose is generally more expensive but at least you know what you are paying with their "never knowingly under sold" slogan.

(Yes Christian, I know that officially that is a John Lewis slogan but I regard you all as one big happy family and it fits with this week’s blog....

Do you really want to argue while I’m in this mood....?


Hang on a second , are you still wearing your Brian Sewer glasses on a chain?.....

Please note that if I happen to die mysteriously in the next few weeks I expect to see Christian as the chief suspect).

Mr Assisant Manager got upset at this and refused to accept that they were ripping off customers.  He wouldn’t even acknowledge that people would perceive that they were being ripped off.

I pointed out that I myself felt that I was being ripped off.

His response “No you are not” clearly shows he was not a perceptive person himself. 

While he had no idea that I was still fuming at having all my data wiped off my PC earlier in the day, he should have noticed the rising level of sarcasm and the steam rising from my ears.

Scottish power

As our current energy deal was running out I received an email informing me that they were happy to extend the same deal for another year....This set alarm bells ringing and just 10 minutes on their site brought me the reward of a 10% discount on energy prices – a saving of about £120 over the year.  A quick check on the comparison web sites proved that this was the best deal open to me so I called them up.


SP Energy sales rep – "Are you calling to extend your current deal?"

Me – "Not likely. I have worked out  that your Saver 16 bill is more beneficial for us by 10% a year"

SP Energy rep – "So you don’t want to extend your current deal?"

He was obviously far more perceptive than your average Tesco Assistant Manager

Me – "No. I’d actually like to sign up for your most expensive energy rate that you do..."

Silence – this conversation had clearly gone off his written script

Me – "Saver 16 sounds like a good one to me"

SP Energy rep – "Good choice - that’s probably our best deal at the moment"

I decided not to get into the argument as to why I felt they should put me on the best deal in the first place....

Film night

What’s worse than turning up 15 minutes late for a film night....?  Turning up 15 minutes early, while your host (me) was still in the shower*****....It wouldn’t have been so bad if we had been going to watch something damp like Titanic or Jaws,  it would have at least set the mood. As it was it was a less than impressed soggy half-dressed individual who rather moodily opened the door to three early guests.

***** What can I say, It doesn’t take me long to get ready

Carruthers

As I walked back to Carruthers(our BMW) in Waitrose (Upmarket supermarket) there was a huge space where we had parked him....Gulp

It turns out that all this aggression seems to have affected Carruthers, who was so incensed at being left in the Waitrose car park on his own that he had decided to take matters into his own wheels and gone for a roll  (The hand brake had not engaged properly, Doh!)  We found him 30 yards down the car park kissing the front of a Saab.  It could have been worse,  it might have been a Skoda or a  Daewoo - I’m not sure I could have lived with the disgrace of Carruthers being caught inflagranti with a lower class vehicle. It was bad enough  that the Saab was quite a bit older than him and had clearly led him on....

We waited for the owner and explained the situation (no, not the bit about their hussy of a car leading poor Carruthers astray) - Mrs B said it went really well until I mentioned how lucky it was that our car's wheels were turned slightly so he had rolled in an elongated curve and met her Saab's bumper rather than the doors and side panels of the vehicle that had been parked right in front of him. Mrs B said the woman didn’t look like she was feeling that lucky....

I guess we should count our blessings that it was Waitrose, because if it had been in Tesco the owner of the car would have probably tried to claim whiplash, sustained when she recieved  the message over the tannoy to go back to her hussy of a car....

Watch of the week

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and  Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

This weeks is Josephs favourite,

A Jaeger Lecoultre Tourbillon...



Xupes price	£58,000.00
RRP	£91,450.00
Saving	£33,450.00

Xupes price

£58,000.00

RRP

£91,450.00

Saving

£33,450.00

 Immaculate unused condition Jaeger le Coultre Master Compressor Extreme Byblos Tourbillon Limited edition Platinum & Titanium watch on black rubber strap with stainless steel deployment buckle. This is the mens XL size measuring 44mm. The dial is slate grey.

Record of the week

The Fool On The Hill by Paul McCartney – All Harold had to do was hold his men at the top of Senlac Hill and victory would have been his....The fool 

ARGUE - Matchbox20 –  Monty Python said it a lot better than I ever could -  

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man: (pause)  I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn't!

O: Yes I did!

O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

(pause)

M: It's just contradiction!

O: No it isn't!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn't!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can't! - An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

Me - See I told you
Reader - No you didn't
Me - Yes I did.....

Photo Finish
To end this week we have some shots from the Battle of Hastings re-enactment day followed by a day we had on the beach in October  - Proof the UK weather has truly lost it....

Like Dumbo, this little chap needed his
magic feather in order to fly...

"Eeek - I've dropped my lucky feather
Flight control I'm going down,
repeat,  I'm going down"

1 of 4
During the dress rehearsal in the afternoon
deaths to the left of us.....

2 of 4
Deaths to the right of us...  

3 of 4
In fact death all around us.....

4 of 4

Yet during the battle re-enactment  itself

there seemed a certain amount of stage fright

 going on with a pathalogical failure to die.....

A couple of reporters taking a well earned break
from live sewing duties on the  Bayeux Tapestry
(which incidentally is not a tapestry and was
made in England not Bayeux)

The Normans looking down on the Saxons
We appear to have a bit of slope
malfunction going on...

Kirk – “Shield wall up and set phasers to stun, Mr Zulu”

Southwold beach in October

How old do you think this couple are?
answer next time....

We were like a beacon to small children, who
delighted in surrounding us and practicing
a game called "Who can scream the loudest".

Mrs B gets the long legs she has always wanted....

I wasn't sure if I should take this picture
or call the Firebrigade...


I hope this was a reflection of the sunset in
the window rather than the cottage on fire .. 

Next week sees me sever a 37 year relationship, which links right back to the heart of my childhood