Florence, obsessive fans and more retail woe

This week it was off to see Florence + the Machine at the Ally Pally (Alexandra Palace), a new venue for us, although it has been around for a while and comes with a fair bit of history :-

       The Ally Pally was built in 1873 as North London's answer to the Crystal Palace

South of the river. In 1936 it became the headquarters of the world's first regular

public "high-definition" television service (so what exactly is the hi-def that is being

touted around at the moment – have they just rebranded something that we already

had and are charging us a fortune for the privilege?), operated by the BBC. The iconic

radio tower not only stands but is actually still in use.

Our friends Joe and Kirsty were joining us, fortunately I drove Joe to the venue, because while his knowledge of the West End and central London is mighty impressive, North London would appear to be a complete mystery to him....This is evidenced by his inadvertent attempt to sabotage Kirsty’s journey – overriding my instructions to get Kirsty to the destination – and leaving his intended about 6 miles short of the venue. Fortunately I managed to intervene and put Kirsty back on the right train....

This still left a couple of challenges, especially following last week’s abject failure at the Kaiser Chiefs.

1)  Actually lure Mrs B to the venue – it would be so much easier if she was a mouse, I could just use cheese

2)  Get The Beast in....For some reason he is very unpopular with concert security....

Frustratingly I could see Mrs B’s building shining like a beacon on the horizon..... not having cheese I had to use other food to tempt her out of her high tower, promising her that the menu at the on site bar/restaurant looked tempting. Indeed it did. Well, on the web site it did. Sadly on concert nights it is much reduced with more effort concentrated on shifting vast quantities of alcohol. Still the food trick worked and Mrs B arrived in astonishingly good time ... leaving me to explain that the choice was not perhaps as appetising as I had made out. Fortunately Mrs B is used to the crushing disappointment of my well-intentioned but often empty promises (First Class flights to Japan ring any bells?)....

Getting The Beast in was, as always, an interesting challenge and I’m almost ashamed to say I’m getting fairly proficient at using sleight of hand tactics to avoid detection. Admittedly more Tommy Cooper than David Blaine.... There was heavy security, with bag searches and pat downs. I briefly watched the security guards in action and worked out the most gormless one. Stepping up to the guard I removed my coat from the rucksack – the only thing apparently in there and proffered the now empty space. I’m OK as long as they don’t try and rummage around at the bottom. The other secret is to make it look like the rucksack is as light as a feather – No easy feat as The Beast is built more on the lines of a Bulgarian shot-putter rather than Russian gymnast.... Still the ruse worked and I’m delighted that both Mrs B and The Beast made it in....

"All This and Heaven Too"

Florence is great live, much better than the review I read of the gig which claimed she is just a shouter. The reviewer was obviously not a fan ... which is probably just as well as it gives a bit of balance. Many of her fans tend towards the intense, bordering on the obsessive....A couple of examples being :-

As I was being jostled and deafened by a fan next to me, I turned to her :-

Me – “You’re a bit excitable aren’t you!”

Over excited fan – “I am, I think I love her (Her being Florence)”

Me – “What, more than your mum?”

OEF – slight pause and a look of guilt - “Yes”

Me – “Wow that’s a bit harsh on your dear old mum”

OEF – “Well I suppose I should hold final judgement until I’ve tried one of Florence’s roast dinners”

Me – “I think your mum’s safe, I don’t think Florence does roasts...”

Then on leaving the venue

Wannabe – “Do you know something, I think I really need to be Florence”

Wannabie’s friend - “Babes, you can be whoever you want”

I would love to been a fly on the wall at Wannabie's career interview -

Career teacher - “No, Wannabie I said you can be anything you want, not anyone..."

Wannabe - "What Qualifications would I need to be Florence?"

Career teacher - "Being born her is the only one that springs to mind"

This was a much bigger venue than I had seen Florence perform at before – previous occasions being the Bloomsbury Ballroom and at the Shepherd Bush Empire Although for some reason I could not remember the Shepherds Bush trip, it was only that Joe was so adamant that he had seen Florence once before with me (neither he nor Mrs B had made it to the Bloomsbury Ballroom gig) that I used the BlackLOG as a reminder. As a reward for his insistence he got the following text from me...

Joseph McKenzie you have been found guilty of being correct about the four of us seeing Florence and the Machine on a previous occasion. It was September 2009 at the Shepherds Bush Empire. It gives me no option but to pass the harshest sentence available to the BlackLOG court of arbitration. You will be taken to a place of my choosing and declared a Florence wannabe. (yes babes you can be anything that you want as long as you are Florence) You must love yourself more than your mother and constantly jiggle your man boobs into everyone around you while shouting, loudly and off key, all of your greatest hits.....

And I got this reply....

Thanks I will take that as an admission of my total guilt for being correct but I feel the sentence is a little harsh. I'm not sure this situation should really work against me!

Guided by the light
When we had arrived at the venue Joe and I had gone into the car park, right next to the Palace but quickly worked out it was going to be a nightmare getting out afterwards. I had spotted some spaces a few minutes’ walk away on the road that we would be using as an exit. I shot out of the car park much to the confusion of the parking attendant, who had one task and one task only and seemed to take it as a personal slight that someone might spurn his hospitality and decide that they didn’t fancy taking hours to leave the venue....

The plan worked really well and after the concert we managed to get clear pretty swiftly, although we seemed to upset a few pedestrians who gestured wildly as we passed – I told you the Florence fans are an excitable lot. At one point we were tailed by a police car but they peeled off after about five miles which I subsequently found a bit disturbing as shortly afterwards I realised that in my haste to get away quickly from the venue, I had not put my lights on. Is this final proof, if any was needed, that the traffic police are not interested in the motorists safety just the revenue available from speeding fines?

More retail woe....
Our attempts to get Britain out of the recession are being thwarted at every turn. The more we spend with companies, the more they seem determined to cock up the order, with the result that correcting the problem probably costs them more than any profits they would have made. I can see us being held responsible for a triple dip recession....

Our latest mishap was for the glass splash back we had ordered. We had requested two samples to be made up for us and chose the colour we liked. When they came to fit the order I looked at the product and told the fitter that it was not the right colour. He assured me it was the one we had selected. I dug out the two samples and sure enough they had fitted the one that we had rejected. A bit of investigation and it transpires that the samples they had sent us and been labelled incorrectly. Once again another company agreed they had cocked up and have had to put the order through again losing any profit. While we might be expert at finding incompetent firms at least they are not complete cowboys of the Bodge-it and Scarper variety....

The red sample we selected infront of the
pink splash-back that they fitted.....

Deep joy...Oh, well just another
month to wait for them to fix it

Watch of the Week
The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Breitling - Chronomat 18k/SS Mens Navy



Price	£2,495
RRP	£3,800
Saving	£1,305

Price

£2,495

RRP

£3,800

Saving

£1,305

Beautiful condition Breitling Chronomat 39.5mm Automatic 18k/SS Mens Ref. B13352 complete with box, manuals and guarantee dated 11th November 2003. An excellent example that has barely been worn and is complete with original rare navy/gold dial and blue sharkskin strap with deployment buckle.

Record of the week

Wrong Again by The Wrong Words – Almost every company we have dealt with recently

Sorry by Tracy Chapman - The phrase that seems to swiftly follow our dealings ....

Dog Days Are Over by Florence & the Machine - McG and Mischief will certainly be relieved....

Cosmic Love by Florence & the Machine - I guess you could call this a universal feeling....

Rabbit Heart by Florence & the Machine - The looking glass, so shiny and New. how quickly the glamour fades – Especially when you find out they fitted the wrong colour....

My Boy builds Coffins by Florence & the Machine –I bet if we ordered one it would be the wrong size, wrong colour and probably the wrong shape

Photo Finish



The Beast gets Florence in his sights - You can probably tell why I go to  such extreme measures to try and get him into concert venues... We were back about 70 metres from the stage with a packed swaying audience in front. Mrs B said she was delighted to see the pictures as she had not actually seen Florence on the night – not even Wannabe Florence....

"Hurricane Drunk"

"Between Two Lungs"

Ok it was two fans, they were all out of lungs.....

"Kiss with a Fist"

"Dog Days are Over"

"Shake it out"

"Hands up anyone who would like
to try one of my roasts? "

'Drumming Song'

"Howl"

"My Boy Builds Coffins"

"Would you like to try it out?"

Hope to catch you next time....