Tell me they are not taking the Piste....

It was off to Italy (Chompaluc) last week for a ski trip.

In truth it turned into a holiday of extremes.

Possibly the world's worst hotel web site*

Etre Mascognaz

We should have guessed from the chaos that met us, as we attempted to navigate around the hotel’s web site, we were trying to book through, that it was going to be an interesting stay. There were glimpses of what you were getting but it is like looking at it through a telescope from the wrong end (in the dark with a flash light that blinks on briefly once every five minutes). There was an English translation on the site but while the interpreter may have been fluent in Italian and Spanish, their grasp of English appeared to have been gleaned from episodes of the "Clangers". OK, so I’m a fine one to talk when it comes down to foreign language - my companions Joe, Kirsty and Mrs B were more than happy to stand back and amuse themselves watching my pitiful attempts at conversing with (or possibly at) the locals. As has been remarked in previous episodes of the BlackLOG I am to foreign language (and often to the English language itself) what Greece is currently to the European economy....

* It does beg the question why we booked with them.....

Booking
The hotel had promised our friend Joe, who was doing the booking (my language skills were not deemed strong enough), that they would reserve the rooms that we wanted (or thought we wanted. Like I said, the web site was clear as mud.....), while he sorted out flights. Somehow they managed to give the rooms we had selected away only a few hours later. To add insult to injury, out of a maximum occupancy of 56, the most that were staying at any one time were 10 and 4 of those were us yet they still managed to give the rooms we had reserved away.....How?????

Accommodation
It was incredible but this had more to do with its uniqueness. There were some friendly staff but they had an inbuilt ineptness that made Manuel out of Fawlty Towers look like a well trained waiter..... for example, we were only informed on our last morning that there was a hot option for breakfast. To be fair it was a different waiter than we had had for the previous seven mornings and when he found out that we had not been offered the hot option he was distraught and turned more Basil Fawlty than Manuel, taking it as a personal affront. For one horrific moment I thought he was going to cry, he then spent the rest of breakfast scurrying around getting under everyone’s feet as he valiantly (but ultimately rather annoyingly) tried to cram seven days of service into one hour. He only just stopped short of cutting up our food and spoon feeding it to us.....

The accommodation had been created from a 15th century enclave, that was slowly being turned into hotel rooms property by property (peering through one of the windows of a house that was waiting patiently for its makeover it looked like it had not been touched since the last owner had checked out for the last time some 30 years previously). The enclave was spread on two sides of a small valley. There were two restaurants, a swimming pool and a health spa. When I asked reception where the Health spa was I was told it was a five minute jaunt across the other side of the valley.

Mrs B and I spotted the swimming pool on the top of the slope and made straight for it. This involved a march along a muddy road and across a steep slope.....unfortunately it turned out not to be a swimming pool at all but a large barn which had nothing to do with where we were staying. Mrs B was well chuffed to be dragged from pillar to post, after a hard days skiing. Crest fallen we made our way back down the slope to the only other properties clinging to the side of the valley,  two Chalet style building. By the time we reached them I was steaming (so much so I probably didn’t actually need the sauna any more).

It turned out the swimming pool and health centre had been built under the chalets....A map or someone to show the idiot Brits around would have been very useful. I strongly suspect some guests never actually find the health spa or may get lost in their attempt to find it. I’m sure we passed Amelia Earhart, Glenn Miller, Harold Holt , Captain Oates, Lord Lucan riding Shergar ,Where's Wally and the Missing Link on the way.

On the last evening we managed to discover a health suite on our side of the valley, which had everything except the swimming pool, the hotel staff had dutifully watched us trail across the valley every evening but didn’t once think to mention about the facilities just a few meters away.....

Italian Plumbing
You have to love it. They use high end equipment but never seem to plumb it in properly, so when you go to turn a tap on you end up chasing it around the bathroom. How hard is it to tighten the nuts up a few extra turns.....? Very, apparently. If you live in a country shaped like a giant boot that is.... I’ll give the Italians credit for decent coffee and for the fantastic ice-cream but even the old lady that lived in a shoe managed to have decent plumbing .... You don’t bring up large amounts of children without lashing of hot water .....

Italian driving
There is nothing more exhilarating than driving around a mountain hairpin, only to find a mad Italian speeding towards you, on your side of the road and very reluctant to give you your space back.....An Italian work colleague informs me that not giving way, especially when you are in the wrong, is seen as excellent driving by most Italians.....

Snow
I’ve never skied on a white carpet before – I felt like some sort of chilly royalty.... The piste bashers had done an excellent job keeping the slopes open but even they have limitations and by the end of our week the runs were like thin tentacles snaking down the mountain.

The early morning slide (as the previous night’s slush turned to ice overnight) started to thaw out from around 10am allowing a few hours of semi-decent skiing, as long as you didn’t make wide turns - coming off the snow carpet was not really a sensible option.

The sun was so strong that by around 2 pm the snow was running down the hills quicker than Usain Bolt in an Olympic 100m final.

Around  2:30pm  the snow started to get all needy and started to stick to your skies, not unlike a small child that has been caught eating all the sweets and is now so tacky that any contact leaves it attached to you like Velcro...     

By about 3:30pm  the snow was doing laps back and forth across its self as it turned into a swimming pool....

Best Ski App ever
I discovered the best Iphone app ever....

well if you are a skier that is.... Skitracks

You set the app running in the morning – put it in your pocket and then at the end of the day you have a record of your ski day – the only time it went wrong was when I gave it to Mrs B who went all competitive on me and managed to crash. She decided the App was not a good idea but managed to switch it off when handing it back...

You get run by run guide for your day (When Mrs B doesn’t turn it off that is)
The distance
Speed - (warning it will encourage you to try and break your neck)
Gradient - (If I had known it was that steep I would have stayed on the chairlift)
Time taken - (It should come with some readymade excuses.....I only took that long because I was doing up my glove ......and don't forget I had to help up that skier who drifted out in front of me....No indication what so ever.... )
In fact everything you could dream about knowing as a skier

This builds up to give you a complete picture of you ski day. If you get messy with your food at lunchtime and you don’t bother to clean your Iphone you even get a record of what you ate.....(This is not listed as a function of the App but personal experience just a personal observation.....)

Accuracy - I checked the app against the GPS in the car and it showed roughly the same speed, so I’m fairly confident with the following stats :-

- My new speed record 75.9mph (it was a bit misty and I didn’t see how steep the slope was.....)

- my best ever crash speed around 54mph – (this was based on the readout going from 54 to zero almost instantaneously) I’ve still got saw ribs to prove it...Not recommended....

Ski stat heaven

As an added bonus, with data roaming off the app works without any additional costs when travelling abroad....

Great if you want to know where you have
been all day.... maybe not so good if you are
trying to cover your tracks .....

A record of the week

White Lines - Duran Duran  - For those of you who thought it was a drug song...Wrong.... it was actually about the perils of booking late season ski trips......

Don't Leave Me This Way -by The Communards – A heartfelt plea to the snow....

Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol – It could have been any Snow Patrol song really.....

White Lines BBBC Mix - Grandmaster and Melle Mel – for those of you who prefer their snow pure and original....oddly I prefer the Duran Duran version....

Ice, Ice Baby -Jim carey does Vanilla Ice – included for no reason other than to prove both Vanilla and Jim Carey have no talent....  

Photo finish
This weeks The Beast gets to document the problems of global warming....



 The entrance to the hotel - was like a
James Bond villains Lair....



A couple of snow mobiles ready for
the inevitable Bond chase....

Or would have been if only
there had been more snow....



Welcome to my lair Mr Bond.....



Kirsty and Joe
our low rent  Bond girls

We were stayng on the left.
the health suite and swimming pool were on the right.


All we had to do was get passed the
Troll who lived under the bridge...

 

White Lines - Don't do it.....




A little pop quiz for you....

Try and pretended you have not just read about

the idiot Brits hacking up the hill to the wrong building...

Which building would you think contained a swimming pool?

A). The swimming pool shaped building                                

in the top right of the Picture                                    

B). Heidi's house clinging to the side of the valley alley....

C).  None of them, I am  a terrible photographer               

and missed the building from the shot.                  



Our chalet - a little off the beaten track....

It came with its own driver - unfortunately
he never  managed to get it started so
we had to use the Land-Rover...

Britt Ekland eat your heart out...



The 5 course meals have played havoc with my waistline....



Is it just us or does the snow always seems whiter
on the other side of the slope....

While it was the worst snow conditions we have ever encountered and the hotel was quirky it was the right sort of quirky.  Despite the vagaries of some of the service we received the Italians are so friendly you can forgive them almost anything.... besides with good friends you can enjoy anywhere...well almost anywhere....

Till next time