* You would have to have read last blog’s comments to
understand this particularly obscure reference...
So, after almost six gruelling months our kitchen revamp is finished, cue big celebration ......
Only it’s BlackLOG and if you are a regular reader you will
not be surprised to learn that the Champagne has had to go back on
ice......
Yes you’ve guessed it, not
everything has gone entirely to plan.
The kitchen cabinets and door are looking good, the spray company
arrived on time, were polite and tidy, took the doors away and returned them as
agreed, they even laughed at one of my jokes**...so what could possibly have
gone wrong....?
** I asked them how they wanted their coffee – the reply
very Strong
“That’s good” I said “I have one that goes all the way up to11” (This probably will soar over your head, like a ferret shot out of a
Howitzer, unless you happen to be familiar with the Rockumentary film “This is Spinal Tap” )***
*** Please note that for artistic purposes I had to lie. The coffee I used was the Nespresso Limited
edition Kazaar, which is in fact rated a 12 not 11. A bit of anomaly when the intensity scale for
Nespresso coffee capsules only goes from 1 to 10. I’m guessing this is Nespresso’s attempt to
raise the bar even further than Spinal Tap.....
In order to re-spray the cabinets they had to mask off the
rest of the kitchen – the result was that the kitchen ended up looking like it
was a scene straight out of Dexter (if you are not familiar with the program –
shame on you, it’s absolutely brilliant****).
The spray company did a
meticulous job and everything was going really well until they went to
dismantle the killing room covers...
Excuse me while I take you back about 2 months –
We had our
kitchen walls painted.....
Nothing went wrong......
We should have guessed that this was odd
and would come back to haunt us ....
and would come back to haunt us ....
I return you to the present, although by the time you read
this it will, I’m afraid, be the past.
Despite my best endeavours I haven’t yet learned to project my writing
into the future so that you can read it
in the here and now....if you are that worried try reading quicker...
As the killing room came down so did the wallpaper paint but not in little flakes, entire chunks – if they had done it carefully
I’m convinced they could have got the whole lot off in one piece – 9 out of 10
snakes said they would be proud too shed their skin like this – the 10th was too occupied watching a ferret shooting
across the sky, too pass comment***** .......
For some reason the paint has not adhered properly to the wall -I guess it was
too busy sticking to itself....
***** Please note no ferrets were hurt during the production
of this blog.....
Well not until it splattered into the ground that is
(ferrets are not renowned for having good landing gear).
The same for snakes...
eeerr, except the one
that was so mesmerised by watching a flying ferret that it failed to slither
out of the way.....
They have decide to combine their talents and can currently
be found on display in the Natural History Museum as the only Living examples
of the legendary snarret (half snake, half ferret) and ferrake (Half ferret,
half snake)....
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McG does his best snarret or is it a ferrake impression....
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The kitchen looks like it has some horrible infectious skin disease and
we can’t get it fixed until our decorator and the paint manufacturer work out
what has gone wrong and how to resolve it....Deep joy...
**** Dexter is a serial killer who works by an honour
code – he only kills people who deserve
to die – Wow! How good would that be?
- Middle of the road drivers – permanently relegated to the hard shoulder
- People who drop litter – recycled
- People who don’t acknowledge you when you hold open a door – shown the door for the very last time....
- People who are obsessed with themselves - Get an entire service and party dedicated just to them .
- Smokers – incinerated
- X-factor fans - voted off the planet (harsh but fair, it would be a mercy killing)
- Anyone who has ever purchased anything from the shopping channel.....sorry just checking my credit card statement in case I have to top myself...No I'm good....
The Cribs at the Troxy
The last time we saw the Cribs it was about 5 years ago at
the V-festival – Their album “Men's Needs, Women's Needs, Whatever” had just been released and they were
great..... The lead up to this week’s gig was such a disaster it just pointed
to being a brilliant evening–
First I booked tickets at the Troxy as it was just around
the corner from Mrs B’s office so it would be easy for her to get there. Only when we got to the day itself, Mrs B’s
office had been instructed as a test of Olympics contingency planning, to work
from home....OK.......we can work with that.
Second – On the way down the M11 the road signs came on to
tell us there was a blockage on route and Sat Nav told us the time to get to
the venue was increasing dramatically.
We worked round that too and took a different route, still managing to
get to the venue in good time....
As it happens I wish we hadn’t bothered as the Cribs :–
- Were out of tune;
- Were like caricatures of Northerners. All “Eee-up chuck” and “Luv a duck”. It was as if George Formby had been renamed Jarman and been resurrected as triplets – I’m only thankful that none of them had a window to clean, a lamppost to lean on or, god save us, a ukulele....;
- Only played for just over an hour – with no encore (Mrs B appeared very grateful);
- last two albums (even the one with Johnny Marr, ex Smiths’ guitarist) were pants....Maybe I was wrong about the ukulele, it could not have made them sound any worse.
On our way home we passed the road that was still
closed from earlier, the traffic sitting impatiently
going nowhere – I have a feeling Mrs B would have preferred to have spent the
evening stuck in the queue as long as I didn’t play her any of the Cribs ....
On a more positive note we were fans of the Troxy (despite the name, which sounds like some 18th century disease).
On a more positive note we were fans of the Troxy (despite the name, which sounds like some 18th century disease).
When I contacted the leader singer Danielz for a photo pass,
I got his encouragement.....as long as the band’s manager was happy.
The tour manager was happy as long as the venue agreed
It was looking good for my second photo pass
....only the Venue (The Rhodes Centre, Bishop's Stortford. Surely it is only a matter of time before it changes it's name to the Zimbabwe centre....) didn't...ouch.
Who would have thought that a small, provincial theatre
would prove so uptight about photography, especially when they could not even
provide a proper ticket.... ?
I made up for my disappointment by watching an OAP on security duty at the venue. It was fascinating seeing her tirelessly work the room (curlers,
wrinkled stockings and I’m sure there was the profile of a rolling pin under
her jacket) reprimanding anyone who even glanced at their phones, let alone got
out a camera ...I’m rather glad I didn’t try and sneak in The Beast – she would
have gone mental and probably put me on the naughty step for the rest of the
evening....
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Apparently they employ handwriting
experts to sort out fake tickets
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The show started with a couple of slow, more obscure T-Rex
numbers (well, they were to me anyway), I glanced across at Mrs B and our
friends Mark and Lisa who I had
persuaded to join us – they all had that same glazed expression of “What the
hell have you brought us to...?” Fortunately after this, T-Rextacy moved up the gears and started to bring out
all the T-Rex classics.
20th Century Boy
Telegram Sam
Children of the revolution
Solid Gold Easy action
Metal Guru
I Love to Boogie
London Boys
Jeepster
Ride a White Swan
Hot Love
Get it on
The leader singer Danielz not only looks like the late great
Marc Bolen at the height of his powers (Since I have no photo’s you will have
to take my word for it) but does an excellent
job with the voice and guitar playing (T-Rextasy have been playing together for
20 years – as with most successful tribute bands much longer than the original,
who in this case only managed 10, before Marc Bolan wrapped up his career around the base
of a South London tree).
I was a bit worried that the band might lose (to the grim
reaper) some of the older members of the Bishop Stortford posse audience, who
were strutting their stuff like a bus
load of penguins who had crashed into a 1970’s fancy dress shop (So quite
up-to-date by Bishop’s Stortford standards)
but they all seemed to survive their over-exertions. I just hope that Danielz avoided the grim
reaper as well and turned down that lift home in a Mini.....
The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.
Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self-service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…Watch of the Week
Hublot Big Bang 18k Rose Gold Titanium
Ceramic Carbon Fibre Chronograph
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Record of the week
19th nervous breakdown by The Rolling Stones - Every time we have any work done around the house remind me to book up a session with a psychiatrist to help Mrs. B and I get over the inevitable trauma…..Ride A White Swan by T.Rex
Metal Guru by T.REX
Bang a Gong (Get It On) by T.Rex
Ride A White Swan by T-Rextasy - I managed to track down some footage of Danielz and his band – you can tell it is not at the Rhodes Centre as people are holding up their phones without being clubbed to death, like Chinese dissidents at a Tiananmen square reunion party ..... If I happen to disappear in the next few days you will know that the OAP enforcer that the Rhodes Centre employs has tracked me down and done for me with her rolling pin....
Photo finish
This weeks is split between shots of work being done on our kitchen - taken with The Beast and shots of the Cribs at the Troxy - taken with The Mega Mini Beast....neither proved successful events for us....
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| With Christmas only 7 months away we decided to make a start on the wrapping.... |
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| Environmental
health officers seal off our kitchen as an outbreak of the deadly 18th Century virus "The Troxy" wipes out most of our paint particles.... |
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| The new snakeskin paint range suffering a few unexpected technical issues.... |
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| I guess that will teach us to rent paint by the hour rather than just buying it.... |
The Cribs at the Troxy
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| The Cribs attempt to play the Blues... |
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| "I'm leaning on the lamp-post at the corner of the street.... " |
"When I'm cleaning Windows"
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Ryan Jarman is forced to play in B&W
with his
back to the audience, after
accidently singing a note in tune....
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Hope to catch you next time.....
