Internet Best Man
Everyone has heard of Internet brides. Well I think I might be the world’s first Internet Best Man. I’m not claiming for one moment that Mitch selected me off a web page. It’s just that being over 4,500 miles away from the event I was not able to indulge in the normal Best Man duties, like planning (and even attending) Mitch’s stag night. Even the position of Ring Bearer was whisked away from me, when Frodo appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the wedding rings before I had even a sniff of a chance to lose them. I have to admit, it was probably a very wise move, what with my track record of losing things. Still, a little bit of a kick in the teeth nevertheless, as my record for finding things is almost as good as my record for losing them in the first place. (This record would be a darn sight better if I could exclude black & red custom-built Oakley half jacket sunglasses from the loss column. Two pairs this year alone - I’m thinking of gluing the current pair to my head.) I strongly suspect that the Ring Bearer, who was not much more than knee high to a grass hopper, has a record for finding things, which currently consists of the inside of his nose with his finger and very little else. I have to admit that he did a wonderful job and at one point Joyce (the Bride) got very excited when she thought Mitch had gone and had an additional gemstone added to her ring. Fortunately those bogies wipe off really easily leaving hardly a mark. When I asked Frodo if he would like to make the Best Man’s speech he must have slipped a ring onto his finger because he vanished before my very eyes.
An Internet Best Man
For the record, Frodo was played by Joyce’s five year old nephew Dominic, who did not have a clue about Lord of the Rings, yet alone Ring Bearers or even Frodo for that matter. Then again the rest of the Canadian entourage struggled with most of the content of my speech, until I brought up the subject of “tazering pensioners at Vancouver airport”, a subject which they seemed to appreciate.
Sadly, however, I lost the rest of the audience - the ones who do not say “Eh?” at the end of almost every sentence because they weren’t familiar with the Canadian Mounties favourite airport hobby….. Hey ho, you can’t win them all. I did at least fulfil the most important duty of a Best Man - I turned up to stand by the main man and, much to Mrs B’s relief and, I suspect, Joyce’s, I did not attempt to cop off with the bride. Job done I say. Now show me to the Honeymoon……..but that’s another story which will have to wait until the next BlackLOG because I understand the modern reader has a fairly short span of attention and Mrs B tells me that I’ve already probably passed it.
Tazering Pensioners a Canadian national sport, apparently
Secret bonus bit for people with staying power
It's Ok Mrs B has left the room and deep down I know that some of you have more stamina then Mrs B gives you credit for....
Managed to persuade Mrs B that what we were lacking in our life was a 'George Forman - Lean Mean Grilling Machine'. I'm not sure how I did it, but I did and the best bit is that having got Mrs B to give it the green light, rather than use my usual, get it in the house for 5 mins and try and claim that we have had it for ages routine,(I have to admit this tactic never really works but being a bloke I feel duty bound to use it) I can hold Mrs B fully responsible when the Gadget fails to live up to my expectation. Oh yes a free pass, hang on a second while I do my little victory jig around the room......
Ok I'm back
My favourite record at the moment is by a Norwegian singer 'Ida Maria' called "I like you so much better when you're naked". I did try and warn you about these sexually liberated Europeans in previous BlackLOGs. It has a classic chorus which goes surprisingly enough "I like you so much better when you're naked" then the next line "I like me so much better when you're naked". Pure Genius, it's that 'me' bit along with 'you're' instead of the expected 'I'm'. Ida I salute you even if you do mention the dreaded ciggies, which to be honest loses you a few marks in my book. If I was better organised I would add a link to the song, but I'm falling back on the "you will enjoy it so much more, if you track it down yourself" defence. Besides I can't do everything for you......
Very late breaking news
'George Forman' update. The damn thing worked like a dream. While I'm delighted about that, I can't help but think I've wasted a free pass....
--------"Pssst, you better go, I think Mrs B is coming back"-------------