Monday, 4 August 2008

How to go on a Honeymoon without getting married.....

One thing I didn’t expect when I accepted the position of Best Man was that Mrs B and I would share Mitch and Joyce’s Honeymoon. Not just us but 21 others for the cruise part of the trip, which then whittled down to 5 for camping on Vancouver Island. Different to say the least and I’m sure Joyce has plans for a slightly more intimate trip later in the year. I just wonder where they are planning to take us on that one……

Cruising
I have to admit that in order to see Alaska, cruising is probably the best options, I’m just not sure Mrs B and I are actually cut out for the ocean lifestyle. There can be little in the way of argument that watching the Canadian and Alaskan coast, with it’s trees down to the shore line and huge Glaciers was magnificent site, even if they might be receding faster than my hairline.


Would you like G&T with that ice


It’s just the rest of the cruising experience left us feeling like we had entered a nightmare world just like a Butlin’s holiday, only surrounded by water rather than barbed wire to keep the guest from escaping……


No need for Barbed Wire to keep your
guests from escaping from here


The entertainment was definitely of the “Failed on land” variety, only able to survive due to its captive audience. Well almost, the singing act (and I use singing in the looses possible sense) ‘Harmony & Rhythm’, a duo of such poor ability that even completely deaf people stopped attending their performances. I had the misfortune to walk into Dazzles (or should that be Dismals) the night club, during one of their performances. My ears have not yet forgiven me. The only attendees looked either dead drunk or simply dead. Even the house band looked like they wanted to throw themselves overboard rather than endure another session with the talentless duo.

The house band often thought about swimming for it


The chief entertainment officer ‘Linda” was a complete dragon and would have been more at home as a prison officer. Scaring people into attending sub standard entertainment is hardly cricket, especially when many of the audience were confused pensioners. There surely must be something in the Geneva Convention that outlaws this type of disgraceful behaviour. Although on second thoughts I don’t know what I am complaining about it, the more of the old dodderies that got trapped into the substandard entertainment; the easier it was to get around the boat. The only time the coffin dodgers managed to get any speed up was when they announced Bingo. It was like something out of nature documentary, even the deaf ones sensed that a bingo game was in the air and seemed to jerk to life a few seconds before the announcement was made over the ships tannoy. “Bingo, in Dismals in five minutes” was followed by squeak, clunk, thud, clunk, thud, squeak, shuffle, shuffle as herds of false teeth and incontinence knickers made their way through the ships like a swarm of locust. Woe betides anyone who got between those pensioners and their daily Bingo fix. Trampled to death by a mixture of wheels, Zimmer frames and sticks is not a nice way to go, unless you happen to be a member of Harmony and Rhythms backing band in which case it would be light relief.

To be fair, the ships comedian was actually quite funny, just a little fragile. He crumbled completely, like a dropped Mcvity biscuit, when ever he was heckled. Being out at sea certainly helped him out here, a particularly persistent heckler was last seen being escorted from Dismals and there were unconfirmed reports of people hearing a short scream and loud splash shortly after. There was a general reluctance to heckle after that. My advice to any up and coming entertainer, of no fixed ability, is get your self a booking on a cruise liner. Even better, if you can travel in time, book yourself on the Titanic, at least you will have had the experience of being on something that will sink quicker than your half baked career. That just leaves me with the dining arrangements to deal with, but that will have to wait 'till the next BlackLOG.

Breaking news (i.e. the bits which are a bit more up-to-date)
I’m going to have to be far more discerning about my choice of favourite record. After last week mentioning the Ida Maria ‘clothes off ‘song, I daren’t say the full title, as I am currently listening to my Ipod classic which has already suffered a nervous breakdown on my latest trip to Berlin. It stopped playing during the first chorus of that very song and the apple icon of reset popped up on the screen, un-requested.


sadly does not count as 1 of your 5 a day


This was followed by a note telling me to restore the firmware via my PC, not very helpful when away from home. Not long after that a new sign appeared that quite frankly looked terminal, before the Ipod slid into a coma. As is normal for me in these situations I started to enter panic mode, eeekkk no music for 3 days. Fortunately I remembered I had my emergency back up Ipod Touch with me (aside 1). As it happens the classic must have gone for the Ipod equivalent of a cold shower and a bit of a lay down, because the following morning it sprung back to life, none the worse for wear, except I’m sure it now blushes slightly and looks a bit sheepish when ever Ida Maria crops up in conversation. Like I say I will have to be more careful with my choice of music and attempt to avoid Danish tarts with clothes issues. I’m a bit nervous of investigating further about Ida in case she turns out to be a part time Masseuse in Berlin Berlin - May your teeth and clothes be with you …… For those of you with an adventures nature (aside 2). I’ve provided a link to the song, if you dareIda Maria, the not interested in fashion song.......


----so ends another BlackLOG, you may return to your life or why not check out some of the older BlackLOGs on the right hand side-----



































(1) So what if it only had 3,110 songs instead of the classics 17,087. I’m sure I could slum it for a few days.

For those of you thinking what a wimp you probably use alcohol to unwind while I prefer to use music.
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(2) like Frank from work who informed me that he Googled “BlackLOG” and found this very site on the first page of results. Marvellous all I need is some Book editor to do the same and offer me a deal to go away and never disgrace the English language again.
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