Thursday 27 May 2010

Scouting for meat.....

We attended a Bollywood extravaganza* at our local hall last week. Mrs B took the opportunity to dress up in a Saree, while I decided not to. I’m already getting probing questions from Nikki over at Que sera sera! about some of my recent behaviour ….

“Why do you know so much about Gossip Girl**? Moonlighting as a fashion blogger, cross dressing...I'm curious.” Nikki

* i.e local amateur production given a fancy pants name to try and draw in the punters. It was for charity so I’m sure they can be forgiven….

** I’m putting it down to a midlife crisis and feel it is only proper that I also own up to various similar hideous offences including the blatant watching, and on occasions enjoyment of, Glee; The Vampire Diaries; One Tree Hill and other such teen TV atrocities. I draw the line at reality TV programmes however; even I have some standards. Even if they happen to be very low ones…..

I did however decide to enter into the spirit of the event and wore a pair of long white shorts, sandals and a collarless jacket. This was my attempt at doing a posh Ghandi but did not go down well with a very disapproving Mrs B – she gave me a warning for attempted civil disobedience in a built up area, during the hours of darkness, as well as an AFBO (Anti Fashion Behaviour Order) and me, a published fashion critic, oh the disgrace.

The evening entertainment could best be described as “interesting” – a trio of kids with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than jiggle about to Indian music. (Think Fame or even Glee*** but remove any vestige of talent - not that either of those shows had much of it in the first place - replacing it with bucket loads of enthusiasm and natural raw inability). I guess it could have been worse, the three of them could have been out mugging pensioners. Hmmm, when the day of reckoning comes, at the end of my life, I wonder if I can include taking one for the pensioners, in my plus column?

*** Please note my blatant attempt to appeal to all age groups. Don’t say I don’t make an effort…..

The Indian music in question appeared to have been fused with elevator music and was played through an amp that sounded like it was 20ft under water. This may actually have proved to be a good thing as the distortion was far more musical than the tunes that were assaulting our ears could ever be….

Still, they were serving authentic curry, so I felt it was probably worth going through the audio and visual torture….Only,when they served up the curry, they had forgotten to include the most important ingredient….No,not the spices and herbs, or the rice and yoghurt, these were all present and correct,but where was the meat? In my (possibly slightly warped) view, it should be a capital offence to advertise curry but fail to mention it would contain just the evils of vegetarianism*****. I need meat not rabbit food….

***** If we had been built to eat vegetables we would not have vitamin supplements

Perhaps I’m being unfair and they had actualy been attempting to lure rabbits into the curry. If so, a word of advice for next time, they should allow the curry to mature a little longer, giving time for the rabbits to actually get there and most importantly, allow for them to eat all those evil vegetables. Of course there maybe the slight danger of bunny nuggets but I’m sure that these can be passed off as squidgy raisons….

Thanks to our friends Penny and Paul I just about managed to survive after they took pity on me and practically carried me back to their house to provide me copious amounts of meat before my body went into Carniphylactic***** shock…..

***** Similar to anaphylactic shock except brought on through un-exposure to meat rather than exposure to allergens… I'm not sure of the spelling of Carniphylactic, it's not like I make these words up......only I did with that one. So surely I can't spell it wrong....no doubt Teach will let me know.


Penny & Mrs B attempt some Indian dance moves

Looks like the other Bollywood guests are surrendering.

Mrs B prays for the event to end.

Not sure what an oversize mini-babybell* has to do
with Bollywood?....Mala any ideas?

* Or is it a mini woman with a normal sized babybell? 

Ticket touting made easy
Our latest gig was 'Scouting For Girls' at the Hammersmith apollo – a great fun band, an English version of Bare Naked Ladies – i.e. great music with often amusing lyrics, some of my favourites lines include :-

“She’s thirty turned flirty, isn’t that the age a girl turns dirty”
From - She’s so lovely

“Take of your clothes, take of your clothes and come to bedIt used to be just me but that’s how 1 plus 1 makes 3”
From - 1+1=3

“Posh girls have good manners but they go like the clappers because they never got to hang around with boys at school”
From - Posh Girls

“It ain't gonna happen
For me and the Strachan”
From - Michaela Strachan

Misheard lyrics of the night –I thought it was hilarious that Mrs B thought, when SFGs were singing “You put the meaning in wacaday”, a Kids program from the 80’s, that Michaela Strachan hosted,  she heard it as “Wank-a-day….”

The SFG fan base proved a mixed blessing, being largely made up of young teenage girls (no need to say anything Nikki. I just happen to like lots of different types of music) meant the audience were quite short in stature, allowing Mrs B an excellent view of the stage for once. The normal Mosh pit action, which can easily be avoided by stepping back a bit, was replaced with a high pitch screeching, which can get very annoying. I know that classical music and also low pitch sound is often used to disperse groups of adolescence on from public places, perhaps the high pitch screech is some sort of teenage revenge…..

One thing I hate about concerts is when I end up with spare tickets to sell, when friends can’t make it. I have tried selling the tickets outside a venue before but the reaction you get from people, it's as if  I'm suddenly scum, something that should be wiped off the sole of their shoes. To be honest, I have a certain amount of sympathy with them, as I personally believe ticket touts****** are indeed the scum of the earth and the main reason why people can’t get tickets for concerts at a reasonable price in the first place. It’s not that I’m trying to sell the tickets at a profit even, just trying to cover the cost. This time I managed to sell some spare tickets before hand using the internet. It still meant I had to meet up with strangers outside the gig, which feels a bit odd. Think of it like turning up for a blind date, where the person that you are meeting has brought along their partner and clearly doesn’t want to hang around for a chat and so they give you money to go away…. However, it beats having to pimp the tickets on a street corner….

****** The only time I've scalped tickets was for U2 at Twickenham.  The tout started off at about £200 per ticket but I managed to get him down to £100 which was only about £30 over the asking price….It was only after I had handed over the money and he was sprinting down the road that I realise that our tickets were in separate parts of the stadium to each other…. Oh, you have to love those little scamps, right up to the point you catch them and take them to be euthanized….

Catch you next week.

21 comments:

  1. Niel can you please put a picture of you at the Bollywood Extravaganza in your next blog...I want to see you in your "Ghandi" clobber!! Anna

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  2. Anna

    As I was in fashion disgrace Mrs B refused to take any photo's....

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  3. So nice to see you so enthusiasic about a local event. You forgot how I gave you a free shower to start with ! Next time there WILL be meat & I will get you dancing too!! Thanks for helping to make it a fun night dont forget to email me the photos, love Penny

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  4. You will be astonished to hear that we have tickets for Jules Holland: in Skegness in early July! There's a turn-up, and actually quite excited. So we shall be with you in spirit as we share our very own evening with Mr Holland. Sometimes I wonder if you ever let Mrs B rest. Another busy weekend for both of you. Obviously owls aplenty this week in hot and sunny Lincolnshire. One swooped over my head this morning as I walked the dogs, squalking at me. Must have disturbed it. The eerie cry certainly disturbed me anyway. Can you please put 22nd October on your calendar? I know its a Friday, but could you make it for a party? I shall be **. Thats **. Oh dear. The numbers keys are not working. It is to be a 'Glitterball'. Only sparkly, glittery clothed guests welcome. Am giving you special, early notice to see if you can extract Mrs B from her office early enough.

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  5. Ahahaha! Seems I hit a nerve? I'm guessing you're more of a Dan Humphrey than a Blair Waldorf...Glee is FANTASTIC, you should feel no shame. Especially with your love for music. Enjoying the updated songs they sing. Could have done without the Gaga "poker face" rendition this week.

    Okay I admit it. I'm jealous you go to all these great dress up parties with Mrs. B. I can't even get my Husband to dress up for Halloween! Or really get him to a concert. He has a social phobia me thinks. Although he did mention getting tickets to Muse awhile back. I should've jumped on that chance!

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  6. Carniphylactic***** shock

    Bahh ha ha ha ha ha!!!

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  7. I always used to get left with spare gig tickets, in the end I've just started buying my own rather than be out of pocket.

    Although, as nobody was looking for spare tickets and my steadfast refusal to sell to a tout, I once gave 2 Paul Weller tickets to the Big Issue seller outside the gig. I like to think I made his year, he was genuinely overawed, but he probably sold them both for a fiver. To a tout.

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  8. Penny said...
    So nice to see you so enthusiastic about a local event. You forgot how I gave you a free shower to start with ! I forgot about your attempts to dampen down the excitement and as for being free I think we paid for it in the ticket price…..

    Next time there WILL be meat & I will get you dancing too!! Thanks for helping to make it a fun night dont forget to email me the photos, love Penny After the incident of the Mead players it was a step forward, thank you for inviting us and saving me from Carniphylactic shock. I will put the photo’s on a CD for you, see you soon…

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  9. skipperthewonderhorse said...
    You will be astonished to hear that we have tickets for Jules Holland: in Skegness in early July! There's a turn-up, and actually quite excited. So we shall be with you in spirit as we share our very own evening with Mr Holland. Just discovered we have a wedding invite that clashes with our Jools tickets
    Sometimes I wonder if you ever let Mrs B rest. Another busy weekend for both of you. Obviously owls aplenty this week in hot and sunny Lincolnshire. One swooped over my head this morning as I walked the dogs, squalking at me. Must have disturbed it. The eerie cry certainly disturbed me anyway.
    She did say when she agreed not to have children that she did not want us to waste our lives and so I’m just following orders.
    Can you please put 22nd October on your calendar? I know its a Friday, but could you make it for a party? I shall be **. Thats **. Oh dear. The numbers keys are not working. It is to be a 'Glitterball'. Only sparkly, glittery clothed guests welcome. Am giving you special, early notice to see if you can extract Mrs B from her office early enough.
    We will do our best to be there for your ** , sorry let’s try that again ** Oh no my number keys aren’t working either….will look to see what glitter we can come up with…

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  10. Nikki said...
    Ahahaha! Seems I hit a nerve? I'm guessing you're more of a Dan Humphrey than a Blair Waldorf... Probably closer to Rufus Humphrey, certainly by age Glee is FANTASTIC, you should feel no shame. Especially with your love for music. Enjoying the updated songs they sing. Could have done without the Gaga "poker face" rendition this week. I admit some of the music is fantastic but there have been a number of turkeys recently. Not seen the Poker Face rendition yet, we are a bit behind in the UK

    Okay I admit it. I'm jealous you go to all these great dress up parties with Mrs. B. I can't even get my Husband to dress up for Halloween! Or really get him to a concert. He has a social phobia me thinks. Although he did mention getting tickets to Muse awhile back. I should've jumped on that chance!Saw Muse a while back, could not see what all the fuss was about, save that free concert pass up for something better

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  11. Danica-Dragonfly said...
    Carniphylactic***** shock

    Bahh ha ha ha ha ha!!!


    Yes lack of lamb “Bah” would be covered, but also lack of pork, beef chicken etc….

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  12. cynicalscribblesaid...
    I always used to get left with spare gig tickets, in the end I've just started buying my own rather than be out of pocket.
    It’s funny the times when I don’t buy spare tickets friends moan. Unfortunately most people don’t realise that you have to buy tickets months in advance or be prepared to pay well over the odds….The problem with this is that sometimes other things crop up….

    Although, as nobody was looking for spare tickets and my steadfast refusal to sell to a tout, I once gave 2 Paul Weller tickets to the Big Issue seller outside the gig. I like to think I made his year, he was genuinely overawed, but he probably sold them both for a fiver. To a tout.
    My guess is he swapped them both for half a bottle of meths and a broken shopping cart. I did once sell a single front row ticket for a Simply Red concert (What can I say Mrs B was a big fan) to a tout . It made my day when no one showed up to claim the seat….

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  13. Yeh, I get moaned at when I don't buy tickets for other people too. Sod them, they never buy for me.

    You missed out the string leash for his dog. I did think he'd gone off to buy smack with it myself, but rather than stereotype... ;)

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  14. Cynical - No I didn't miss out the string leash. He didn't need it as he ate his dog washing it down with the meths....

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  15. hahaha. That's my friend Penny - what are you doing with her? And that's my other friend* with the cheese (who also had a lot to do with organising the Bollywood evening). Good grief isn't it a small world!

    I'm now thinking to myself, do I actually know Mrs B. Does she know Penny or did they just find each other that night. Ohhh errr.

    * referred to as Pinkele on my spasmodic blog!

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  16. Oh look I've just reread it - you are friends with Penny and Paul, and possibly Phoebe as well!

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  17. Were you dressed in the Bollywood outfit when you tried to unload those extra tickets? 'Cause that may have factored into your reliability....

    People don't really expect to pay "retail" when they buy outside an event...do they?

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  18. Imo said...
    hahaha. That's my friend Penny - what are you doing with her? And that's my other friend* with the cheese (who also had a lot to do with organising the Bollywood evening). Good grief isn't it a small world! The question is why you didn’t make the Bollywood evening?

    I'm now thinking to myself, do I actually know Mrs B. Does she know Penny or did they just find each other that night. Ohhh errr.
    We have known P,P & P since we moved to Bishops Stortford (although & P came along later). We can see their house from ours and P used to shine a red laser at us….

    * referred to as Pinkele on my spasmodic blog!
    Yes it is a most interesting publishing schedule you keep…..

    Oh look I've just reread it - you are friends with Penny and Paul, and possibly Phoebe as well!
    Well done, most people can’t get through a first read yet alone a second…

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  19. Kathryn said...
    Were you dressed in the Bollywood outfit when you tried to unload those extra tickets? 'Cause that may have factored into your reliability....
    If you can’t trust Ghandi who can you trust?

    People don't really expect to pay "retail" when they buy outside an event...do they?
    The people buying don’t want to pay full price, while the touts want a stupid amount of money. Makes for very interesting market dynamics….

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  20. The question is why you didn’t make the Bollywood evening?


    My mother very unconsiderately turned 80 that weekend - I was too busy baking cakes! I did buy raffle tickets, but didn't win the cheese, or anything for that matter.

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  21. Imo said...

    The question is why you didn’t make the Bollywood evening?
    My mother very unconsiderately turned 80 that weekend

    Octogenarians can be like that….

    - I was too busy baking cakes! I did buy raffle tickets, but didn't win the cheese, or anything for that matter.
    I guess it sounds churlish to mention Mrs B won another less than impressive raffle prize…

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