After months of badgering Mrs B finally wore me down and convinced me that we needed a Nespresso machine in our lives (Is this revenge for filling her living room with a large TV and for covering her new Dining room table with a full size air-hockey table*) Not just any Nespresso machine but a fire engine-red Nespresso machine. Now with my purchases it tends to end there. With a Mrs B purchase, however, it often means just the start.
The next thing I know the kitchen floor is apparently in a fight to the death with the Nespresso machine i.e. according to Mrs B they are clashing....which means the new floor is bound to clash with the cupboards which will in turn clash with the walls.... Who could have predicted that agreeing to a new coffee machine would result in a totally new kitchen....? It’s clear I’m going to have to review Mrs B’s requests more carefully in the future....
Change of toilet paper = A new Bathroom
New coat hangers = a whole new range of clothes
New light switch in the garage = A new car
New light bulbs = A new house
* In my defence it was her Christmas present from a few years back, after I noticed how excited Mrs B got whenever she got to play Air hockey ... Apparently that is still the case..... just away from home and not in the dining room....Doh!
I have been fighting back, however, and while Mrs B has been planning changes to the house I’ve concentrated on completing the Nespresso lifestyle collection
In the Nespresso range you can get:-
16 varieties of coffee (+ special limited** edition flavours)
A Coffee Frother
Matching sugar sachets (same sugar different coloured packets)
Mugs (Oh yes they can match the colour )
Glasses (for seeing the layers in your coffee)
Ice Crushers (always been a fan of Iced coffee)
Coffee capsule dispensers – many varieties with one thing in common – all expensive
3D coffee (kidding, but if they thought they could get away with it I’m sure they would)
You can keep your traditional Japanese Tea ritual. Welcome to the BlackLOG coffee rite.....I wonder if I can export it to Japan when we drop in next year?
** So limited you can’t actually get them – making getting Olympic tickets look like collecting pebbles on Brighton beach
Nespresso even have recycling but, much to the amusement of our friend Penny, I don’t seem to have got my head around it. The principle is that you can hand back your used coffee pods for recycling when you receive your next coffee order. I pointed out to Penny that I’m never there when they deliver my coffee...........
Penny – “Just leave the recycling bag outside.”
Me – “But I never know what day they are going to deliver.”
Penny – laughing “It’s not like any one is going to steal them!”
Me – “Doh!”
Just another sign that I’m definitely losing touch with reality in this ever-processed world in which we live in
Sometimes I can’t see the Wood for the trees........Mrs B wanted some lime juice. I was going to the supermarket so added it to the list - none in Waitrose, none in Sainsbury’s and when I struck out at Tesco’s I called Mrs B:
Me – “Bad news - loads of lemon juice but it’s as if Lime juice never existed.”
Mrs B – “What about fresh limes? We can squeeze them.”
Me – Dumb struck – Doh! now why didn’t I think of that.....?
Mrs B is not exempt from not always thinking through
I was drinking my second Milky coffee of the day – As I’m not into product placement I won’t name the brand but I figure that you can probably guess......
Mrs B – “You know too much milk and caffeine is not good for you”
Me – “It’s decaffeinated coffee and semi-skimmed milk.... ”
Mrs B – “I just worry about you”
Me – Glancing over at Mrs B’s rather large glass of milk .... “You gotta be kidding me?”
Mrs B - “Hmm, I suppose I could have timed that better...”
I’m so going to hell
I’ve always known that I’m not great with children (even when I was one – I think I might have hated myself). A couple of weeks ago (true story) I managed to hit a low point even for me.
I was in the queue for lunch at work when two people came up behind me and started pestering me to donate for a children’s charity.
I told them I was not a fan of children and turned to face them, only they weren’t at eye level – they were at considerably lower than eye level. I looked down to see two school uniforms....
“I’m not kidding” I said and then I caught the eye of their disapproving teacher, who was about 4 feet away .
“I always find honesty is the best policy” as I carried on digging while trying to surreptitiously hide the name on my work pass. So that’s me going to hell then and knowing my luck it’s going to be full of damned kids.
It was off to Shepherds Bush with my friend Robert to see Shed Seven for the last gig of the year - yet another 80’s band – I never realised I was getting so retro
Love and Money
If 80’s Rewind didn’t clash with the V-festival I might go to that....No hang on a second Rick Astley play there.....I’ve got some pride....
The secret of Blog success
I’ve been given the key to the door on how to make my lame old blog go stellar. Only I can’t use it.....
ryoko861 kindly showed me the way but with all good things in life it generally involves a catch and in this case the catch is you have to open a Twitter account (I feel unclean just typing those words)– ryoko861 assured me that I wouldn’t have to actually tweet anything but I would have to have an account that makes me feel dirty (and I don’t mean in a good way) just typing the name.
I’m afraid I view twitter (excuse me while I just purge my lunch) in the same low regard as I hold cigarettes – If someone told me they would give me a million pounds if I would just buy a packet of cigarettes (I wouldn’t even have to smoke one) I would still have to decline. You may call me stupid but I have certain principles – OK I’m no saint but I have been cursed/blessed (you decide) with a gritty determination – How else do you think I managed to give up alcohol a week before my 18th Birthday and have not return to it 28 years? My feeling about buying those cigarettes are that I would be supporting something that I despise – an industry that happily purveys death. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming that twittering (excuse me while I just go and have a shower) will cause cancer (I’m still waiting for the results of the study I commissioned before I make that claim) and perhaps I’m missing the point of twitter but then again I feel millions of other people twittering (mind the pavement pizza – I’ll clear that up later) their nonsense about nothing in particular have as well .
Maybe I’m a hypocrite, as I type out my nonsense in far too many words than is fair on any passing reader - I can’t even put a finger on why I have such an aversion to Twitter (is that diced carrots? I’ve not had carrots in 35 years) except maybe the whole abridged thing - or perhaps I just realise that any fans of twitter (no, nothing left now. Just retching air and my innards....) are never going to get passed my first sentence let alone into the meat of my overblown subjects...
For those of you who want to boost your readership contact ryoko861.
Ryoko861 - “If you sign up for Triberr.com (I have to give you a membership code AND you have to have a Twitter account-you don't have to tweet anything) it'll help bring people to your site. What you do is once you're all set up and signed in (it's not hard-if I can do it anyone can) join a tribe that shares the same interests as your blog. (yeah, a tribe and you even get to inbreed-I know, it's bizarre). For example, your blog is humorous, so you find a tribe that is looking for humorous blogs or maybe even a tribe that has all UK members in it. You can even leave a post that you're looking for a tribe to join. THEN...when you join a tribe, any followers you have on Twitter are added to that Tribes member's twitter followers count. When you post a blog post, it will automatically send a twitter post to twitter through all the members of the tribe's twitter accounts. SO if there's 15 members in the tribe, it will go out on all 15 accounts PLUS all their followers will see it! Understand? The secret is out!”
Is it just me or does that sound like pyramid blogging?
P.S. ryoko861 - Sorry if I sound ungrateful – you weren’t to know I have a mental allergy to all things Twitter (God is that one of my lungs and part of my intestine?) It was a kindly gesture and if you can find a way of doing it without me having to sell my soul to the devil and projectile vomit I’ll promise that I will be the first in line.
Happy New Year everyone - see you next time for a BlackLOG review of 2011
Record of the week
Going For Gold - Shed Seven
Photo's this week are by Mega Mini Beast - The Beast a.k.a. Mr Snappy is having a holiday
|Danger - purchase of one of these machines might|
set you back as much as the cost of a new kitchen....
|Rick Witter - Shed Seven|
Going for Gold