After months of badgering Mrs B finally wore me down and convinced me that we needed a Nespresso machine in our lives (Is this revenge for filling her living room with a large TV and for covering her new Dining room table with a full size air-hockey table*) Not just any Nespresso machine but a fire engine-red Nespresso machine. Now with my purchases it tends to end there. With a Mrs B purchase, however, it often means just the start.
The next thing I know the kitchen floor is apparently in a fight to the death with the Nespresso machine i.e. according to Mrs B they are clashing....which means the new floor is bound to clash with the cupboards which will in turn clash with the walls.... Who could have predicted that agreeing to a new coffee machine would result in a totally new kitchen....? It’s clear I’m going to have to review Mrs B’s requests more carefully in the future....
Change of toilet paper = A new Bathroom
New coat hangers = a whole new range of clothes
New light switch in the garage = A new car
New light bulbs = A new house
* In my defence it was her Christmas present from a few years back, after I noticed how excited Mrs B got whenever she got to play Air hockey ... Apparently that is still the case..... just away from home and not in the dining room....Doh!
I have been fighting back, however, and while Mrs B has been planning changes to the house I’ve concentrated on completing the Nespresso lifestyle collection
In the Nespresso range you can get:-
16 varieties of coffee (+ special limited** edition flavours)
A Coffee Frother
Matching sugar sachets (same sugar different coloured packets)
Mugs (Oh yes they can match the colour )
Glasses (for seeing the layers in your coffee)
Trays
Sugar bowls
Ice Crushers (always been a fan of Iced coffee)
Coffee capsule dispensers – many varieties with one thing in common – all expensive
3D coffee (kidding, but if they thought they could get away with it I’m sure they would)
Biscuits
Chocolates
Sugared almonds
Chocolates
You can keep your traditional Japanese Tea ritual. Welcome to the BlackLOG coffee rite.....I wonder if I can export it to Japan when we drop in next year?
** So limited you can’t actually get them – making getting Olympic tickets look like collecting pebbles on Brighton beach
Nespresso even have recycling but, much to the amusement of our friend Penny, I don’t seem to have got my head around it. The principle is that you can hand back your used coffee pods for recycling when you receive your next coffee order. I pointed out to Penny that I’m never there when they deliver my coffee...........
Penny – “Just leave the recycling bag outside.”
Me – “But I never know what day they are going to deliver.”
Penny – laughing “It’s not like any one is going to steal them!”
Me – “Doh!”
Just another sign that I’m definitely losing touch with reality in this ever-processed world in which we live in
Sometimes I can’t see the Wood for the trees........Mrs B wanted some lime juice. I was going to the supermarket so added it to the list - none in Waitrose, none in Sainsbury’s and when I struck out at Tesco’s I called Mrs B:
Me – “Bad news - loads of lemon juice but it’s as if Lime juice never existed.”
Mrs B – “What about fresh limes? We can squeeze them.”
Me – Dumb struck – Doh! now why didn’t I think of that.....?
Mrs B is not exempt from not always thinking through
I was drinking my second Milky coffee of the day – As I’m not into product placement I won’t name the brand but I figure that you can probably guess......
Mrs B – “You know too much milk and caffeine is not good for you”
Me – “It’s decaffeinated coffee and semi-skimmed milk.... ”
Mrs B – “I just worry about you”
Me – Glancing over at Mrs B’s rather large glass of milk .... “You gotta be kidding me?”
Mrs B - “Hmm, I suppose I could have timed that better...”
I’m so going to hell
I’ve always known that I’m not great with children (even when I was one – I think I might have hated myself). A couple of weeks ago (true story) I managed to hit a low point even for me.
I was in the queue for lunch at work when two people came up behind me and started pestering me to donate for a children’s charity.
I told them I was not a fan of children and turned to face them, only they weren’t at eye level – they were at considerably lower than eye level. I looked down to see two school uniforms....
“I’m not kidding” I said and then I caught the eye of their disapproving teacher, who was about 4 feet away .
“I always find honesty is the best policy” as I carried on digging while trying to surreptitiously hide the name on my work pass. So that’s me going to hell then and knowing my luck it’s going to be full of damned kids.
Shed Seven
It was off to Shepherds Bush with my friend Robert to see Shed Seven for the last gig of the year - yet another 80’s band – I never realised I was getting so retro
OMD
Aztec Camera
Love and Money
Duran Duran
If 80’s Rewind didn’t clash with the V-festival I might go to that....No hang on a second Rick Astley play there.....I’ve got some pride....
The secret of Blog success
I’ve been given the key to the door on how to make my lame old blog go stellar. Only I can’t use it.....
ryoko861 kindly showed me the way but with all good things in life it generally involves a catch and in this case the catch is you have to open a Twitter account (I feel unclean just typing those words)– ryoko861 assured me that I wouldn’t have to actually tweet anything but I would have to have an account that makes me feel dirty (and I don’t mean in a good way) just typing the name.
I’m afraid I view twitter (excuse me while I just purge my lunch) in the same low regard as I hold cigarettes – If someone told me they would give me a million pounds if I would just buy a packet of cigarettes (I wouldn’t even have to smoke one) I would still have to decline. You may call me stupid but I have certain principles – OK I’m no saint but I have been cursed/blessed (you decide) with a gritty determination – How else do you think I managed to give up alcohol a week before my 18th Birthday and have not return to it 28 years? My feeling about buying those cigarettes are that I would be supporting something that I despise – an industry that happily purveys death. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming that twittering (excuse me while I just go and have a shower) will cause cancer (I’m still waiting for the results of the study I commissioned before I make that claim) and perhaps I’m missing the point of twitter but then again I feel millions of other people twittering (mind the pavement pizza – I’ll clear that up later) their nonsense about nothing in particular have as well .
Maybe I’m a hypocrite, as I type out my nonsense in far too many words than is fair on any passing reader - I can’t even put a finger on why I have such an aversion to Twitter (is that diced carrots? I’ve not had carrots in 35 years) except maybe the whole abridged thing - or perhaps I just realise that any fans of twitter (no, nothing left now. Just retching air and my innards....) are never going to get passed my first sentence let alone into the meat of my overblown subjects...
For those of you who want to boost your readership contact ryoko861.
Ryoko861 - “If you sign up for Triberr.com (I have to give you a membership code AND you have to have a Twitter account-you don't have to tweet anything) it'll help bring people to your site. What you do is once you're all set up and signed in (it's not hard-if I can do it anyone can) join a tribe that shares the same interests as your blog. (yeah, a tribe and you even get to inbreed-I know, it's bizarre). For example, your blog is humorous, so you find a tribe that is looking for humorous blogs or maybe even a tribe that has all UK members in it. You can even leave a post that you're looking for a tribe to join. THEN...when you join a tribe, any followers you have on Twitter are added to that Tribes member's twitter followers count. When you post a blog post, it will automatically send a twitter post to twitter through all the members of the tribe's twitter accounts. SO if there's 15 members in the tribe, it will go out on all 15 accounts PLUS all their followers will see it! Understand? The secret is out!”
Is it just me or does that sound like pyramid blogging?
P.S. ryoko861 - Sorry if I sound ungrateful – you weren’t to know I have a mental allergy to all things Twitter (God is that one of my lungs and part of my intestine?) It was a kindly gesture and if you can find a way of doing it without me having to sell my soul to the devil and projectile vomit I’ll promise that I will be the first in line.
Happy New Year everyone - see you next time for a BlackLOG review of 2011
Record of the week
Another Cup Of Coffee - Paul Carrack - Just make sure you don't have too much Milk otherwise Mrs B will be on your case
Going For Gold - Shed Seven
Chasing Rainbows - Shed Seven
Photo Finish
Photo's this week are by Mega Mini Beast - The Beast a.k.a. Mr Snappy is having a holiday
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| Danger - purchase of one of these machines might set you back as much as the cost of a new kitchen.... |
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| Rick Witter - Shed Seven Going for Gold |
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| Chasing Rainbows |
Twitter is indeed a really dark and dirty place. It's worth it though, since you can talk to a lot of people directly who you may not otherwise have the chance to.
ReplyDeleteTwitter doesn't work as well as it used to. Stumbleupon is where it's at these days. All the cool kids are doing it...
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year.... she says stubbing out a fag and glancing at her Twitter account.....
ReplyDeleteIn my defence, I rarely look at my Twitter feed... i have about 25 followers and i met them all via blogger, so I'm twittering the wrong way round.
Sx
Who could have predicted that agreeing to a new coffee machine would result in a totally new kitchen....? It’s clear I’m going to have to review Mrs B’s requests more carefully in the future....
ReplyDeleteI like the way MrsB works....smart lady! I like the picture where you warn readers that purchasing a Nespresso might lead to purchasing an entire kitchen! Too funny.
“I always find honesty is the best policy”
Agreed. You taught those children a very valuable lesson - mainly that they cause awkward moments for those of us who don't do well around small humans and that they should grow up.
.....except maybe the whole abridged thing - or perhaps I just realise that any fans of twitter (no, nothing left now. Just retching air and my innards....) are never going to get passed my first sentence let alone into the meat of my overblown subjects...
Remember how I started a Twitter account and you (sort of) nicely pointed out that I am too wordy for Twitter? Well, you were right, but I haven't given up on Twitter yet. However, I am a Twitter user and I manage to get past the first sentence of your posts.....when I find that I can only handle reading the first 140 characters, it will be a sad, sad day.
Happy New Year and I look forward to your next post!
No one should pester someone to donate to charity. You'd be entitled to complain to the school. Presumably they were fairly young children since you looked down further than you expected to, so it's a very bad policy to a. encourage them to go begging, even for a *good cause* and b. encourage them to talk to strangers. Actually, you should complain to the school.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago, I decided not to not do anything on principle, because I was losing sight of the reason for not doing it. So anything goes around here. However, I don't deliberately do anything to boost my readership because I can't see the point.
I don't get coffee. There I said it. I just don't get the whole kerfuffle over it, some of them machines cost a good few hundred/thousand too...I've seen people use them and you need a degree in bio-science to make it work...why not just use the stuff from a jar? All these people who spend a fortune at Starbucks et al, why? I bought a cup of tea from there once and it was the most complicated thing ever, it was bloody disgusting too. Don't even get me started on the "I need a coffee before I can function" brigade - #@!&*
ReplyDeleteI'm on twitter, not much...well certainly not as much as some people who seem to think the world would be a poorer place if they didn't give us their pearls of wisdom every waking hour. I can take it or leave it - depends how bored I am.
The charity people. I say the same thing to them too "I don't like kids/animals/blind/homeless people etc". One of them actually ran down the street after me to find out why I didn't like kids.
PS: I don't like coffee, never have never will, so I'll never 'get it' ;)
A fire engine red Nespresso machine?! Mrs. B - B must be for BADASS. I love how one detail means a change is in order for the entire scheme of things.
ReplyDeleteOne coat hanger leads to an entirely new wardrobe - HA. But of course this kind of behavior is made possible through an enabler, yes?
Shed Seven were such a great band...Glastonbury 1995 was an awesome gig
ReplyDeleteHappy 2012
Sub-Radar-Mike said...
ReplyDeleteTwitter is indeed a really dark and dirty place. It's worth it though, since you can talk to a lot of people directly who you may not otherwise have the chance to.
It sounds like someone needs to start a charity drive to provide “the medium that must not be named” with torches and soap....
Lost.in.Idaho said...
ReplyDeleteTwitter doesn't work as well as it used to. Stumbleupon is where it's at these days. All the cool kids are doing it...
Cool kids – well that’s me ruled out on both counts.... I notice a number of new readers appeared to have stumbleupon the BlackLOG but quickly stumble out after reading no more than 140 characters
Scarlet Blue said...
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year.... she says stubbing out a fag and glancing at her Twitter account.....
So that explains the burn marks on the new carpet I had installed in the BlackLOG and I thought you were going to give up smoking?
In my defence, I rarely look at my Twitter feed... i have about 25 followers and i met them all via blogger, so I'm twittering the wrong way round.
Sx
Twittering the wrong way round? Does that mean typing behind your back?
L-Kat said...
ReplyDeleteWho could have predicted that agreeing to a new coffee machine would result in a totally new kitchen....? It’s clear I’m going to have to review Mrs B’s requests more carefully in the future.... I like the way MrsB works....smart lady! I like the picture where you warn readers that purchasing a Nespresso might lead to purchasing an entire kitchen! Too funny.
If I wasn’t so busy trying to work out how to pay for the new kitchen I would be curled up with laughter...
“I always find honesty is the best policy” Agreed. You taught those children a very valuable lesson - mainly that they cause awkward moments for those of us who don't do well around small humans and that they should grow up.
One can but hope, I’m not so sure I taught them anything they didn’t look like they were in a hurry to grow up...
.....except maybe the whole abridged thing - or perhaps I just realise that any fans of twitter (no, nothing left now. Just retching air and my innards....) are never going to get passed my first sentence let alone into the meat of my overblown subjects... Remember how I started a Twitter account and you (sort of) nicely pointed out that I am too wordy for Twitter? Well, you were right, but I haven't given up on Twitter yet. However, I am a Twitter user and I manage to get past the first sentence of your posts.....when I find that I can only handle reading the first 140 characters, it will be a sad, sad day.
Happy New Year and I look forward to your next post!
I’m thinking of stating the “writing only really starts after the first 140 characters” club....thanks for the support and entertaining comments you have provided
Z said...
ReplyDeleteNo one should pester someone to donate to charity. You'd be entitled to complain to the school. Presumably they were fairly young children since you looked down further than you expected to, so it's a very bad policy to a. encourage them to go begging, even for a *good cause* and b. encourage them to talk to strangers. Actually, you should complain to the school.
Since a teacher was with them I’m guessing it was school sanctioned....Unless it wasn’t a teacher but some modern day Fagin......
Many years ago, I decided not to not do anything on principle, because I was losing sight of the reason for not doing it. So anything goes around here. However, I don't deliberately do anything to boost my readership because I can't see the point.
A good policy, the ones I hate are the chain policy awards – just push this award onto 10 other readers and link back to my page award
cynicalscribble said...
ReplyDeleteI don't get coffee. There I said it. I just don't get the whole kerfuffle over it, some of them machines cost a good few hundred/thousand too...I've seen people use them and you need a degree in bio-science to make it work...why not just use the stuff from a jar? All these people who spend a fortune at Starbucks et al, why? I bought a cup of tea from there once and it was the most complicated thing ever, it was bloody disgusting too. Don't even get me started on the "I need a coffee before I can function" brigade - #@!&*
Mrs B does not function before at least one cup of Tea in the mornings
I'm on twitter, not much...well certainly not as much as some people who seem to think the world would be a poorer place if they didn't give us their pearls of wisdom every waking hour. I can take it or leave it - depends how bored I am.
That sounds like a typical addict – Yeah I can take or leave heroin....
The charity people. I say the same thing to them too "I don't like kids/animals/blind/homeless people etc". One of them actually ran down the street after me to find out why I didn't like kids.
The worst are those blind puppies at Battersea....
PS: I don't like coffee, never have never will, so I'll never 'get it' ;)
So I can sign you up for my new coffee charity which will provide me with the funds for a new Kitchen....
Jas said...
ReplyDeleteA fire engine red Nespresso machine?! Mrs. B - B must be for BADASS. I love how one detail means a change is in order for the entire scheme of things.
It’s been a pattern throughout our relationship – I once changed the speakers for our surround sound system – some very modern B&W mini speakers – the next thing Mrs B got very anti all the traditional decor of the house and we went modern from top to bottom. I suspect it is only a matter of time before I get replaced with a newer model...
One coat hanger leads to an entirely new wardrobe - HA. But of course this kind of behavior is made possible through an enabler, yes?
In my defence Mrs B is so cute I find it difficult to say no to her demands....How much does being an enabler pay? I’ve got to get money for the kitchen, clothes, new car etc....
G said...
ReplyDeleteShed Seven were such a great band...Glastonbury 1995 was an awesome gig
Happy 2012
They still are a great band
I am on The Twitter. I hate the Twitter. Hasn't brought me a bunch of new followers, just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteLove the big, red, coffee ma-chine.
I can't be around children. It is for their own good. Unless their parents want them to learn a wide range of offensive words and be taught to always question authority.
ReplyDeleteDawn @Lighten Up! said...
ReplyDeleteI am on The Twitter. I hate the Twitter. Hasn't brought me a bunch of new followers, just sayin'.
Love the big, red, coffee ma-chine.
I have a feeling the bloody Coffee Machine already has a bigger following than me – how depressing is that...
Ally Gregory-Moore said...
ReplyDeleteI can't be around children. It is for their own good. Unless their parents want them to learn a wide range of offensive words and be taught to always question authority.
The little freaks are going to learn and start using these offensive words soon enough so you might as well get the credit for it....
You're doing it right. The Japanese Tea Ritual sucks. You get a right nice cup of green tea with some tasty rice cakes. But, all those dinosaurs destroying Tokyo can get really tiresome.
ReplyDeleteI kind of like Twitter. I find lots of good links and information on there. I also find loads of crap, but the internet is mostly full of useless stuff, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI have a Keurig coffee machine. It isn't red, but I'm thinking my kitchen could use a little remodeling....
And, the children. HAHAHAHA. So me. Instead of ending up in a hell full of children, I'll probably find myself pregnant with sextuplets.
Happy New Year!!!!!
Al Penwasser said...
ReplyDeleteYou're doing it right. The Japanese Tea Ritual sucks. You get a right nice cup of green tea with some tasty rice cakes. But, all those dinosaurs destroying Tokyo can get really tiresome.
I’m more worried that Mrs B is going to see lots of different coloured Coffee machines and demand new separate kitchens to house each one....
Brookesaid
ReplyDeleteI kind of like Twitter. I find lots of good links and information on there. I also find loads of crap, but the internet is mostly full of useless stuff, anyway.
What like the BlackLOG....I guess I can’t argue with that...
I have a Keurig coffee machine. It isn't red, but I'm thinking my kitchen could use a little remodeling....
I suspect it’s a girl thing....
And, the children. HAHAHAHA. So me. Instead of ending up in a hell full of children, I'll probably find myself pregnant with sextuplets.
Being pregnant with sextuplets is the rest period before you deliver yourself (Although I’m not a qualified doctor, I’m guessing technically it should be deliver them) into a hell full of children
Happy New Year!!!!!
And you, sorry the Colorado ski thing didn’t work out for you
haha, so many thieves steal old coffee filters :) haha. I would LOVE a nespresso set! Ugh- that sounds amazing.
ReplyDeleteand that story about the kids is so funny, haha- definitely a real, live Grinch story in their eyes. Could you not tell from their voice that they were kids??
And ahah about Twitter. I do not mind it but I totally get people's aversion to it. The good news is, though I have Twitter - I never mention my blog on it (because besides my close circle of friends, I do not tell people about my blog. I don't know why- just seems so self-promoting) so I wouldn't say that it's a must for success.
Someone else listened to Mike + the Mechanics other than me? Another Cup of Coffee is probably my favorite song of theirs. We should e-mail Mike Rutherford. He'd be proud.
ReplyDeleteI hate children as well, which doesn't bode well for me because the wife wants one in a few years. Anyhow, along the same lines as your story, here at my local grocery story, they always ask if you want to round up your total to support breast cancer. One time, to mess with them, I got a very appalled look on my face and said, "No, because I don't support breast cancer. It's a terrible thing that kills millions of women every year and I don't know why anyone would pay to support that."
(She didn't understand the joke, btw)
Also, we got a Twitter because we heard it was good for promoting, but really, it's just fun to tweet to people and give other blog readers shit. First, I'm not into pyramid schemes, and second, people who only tweet 'CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG ENTRY ISN'T IT SO FUNNNNNY?' get deleted REALLY quick.
Miss Caitlin S. Said
ReplyDeletehaha, so many thieves steal old coffee filters :) haha. I would LOVE a nespresso set! Ugh- that sounds amazing.
I can confirm it is life changing and wallet stretching....
and that story about the kids is so funny, haha- definitely a real, live Grinch story in their eyes. Could you not tell from their voice that they were kids??
Being male I don’t really notice things like voices – hair etc...etc...
And ahah about Twitter. I do not mind it but I totally get people's aversion to it. The good news is, though I have Twitter - I never mention my blog on it (because besides my close circle of friends, I do not tell people about my blog. I don't know why- just seems so self-promoting) so I wouldn't say that it's a must for success.
Like most things in life if you desperately chase success, money, fame etc.... it probably makes you miserable and takes the fun out of things....
A Beer for the Shower said...
ReplyDeleteSomeone else listened to Mike + the Mechanics other than me? Another Cup of Coffee is probably my favorite song of theirs. We should e-mail Mike Rutherford. He'd be proud.
I hate children as well, which doesn't bode well for me because the wife wants one in a few years. Anyhow, along the same lines as your story, here at my local grocery story, they always ask if you want to round up your total to support breast cancer. One time, to mess with them, I got a very appalled look on my face and said, "No, because I don't support breast cancer. It's a terrible thing that kills millions of women every year and I don't know why anyone would pay to support that."
Start off with kittens, then puppies and work your way up the size path by the time you get to Elephants she will have totally forgotten the baby thing as she spends most of her days shovelling elephant shit.....
(She didn't understand the joke, btw)
Welcome to my world....
Also, we got a Twitter because we heard it was good for promoting, but really, it's just fun to tweet to people and give other blog readers shit. First, I'm not into pyramid schemes, and second, people who only tweet 'CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG ENTRY ISN'T IT SO FUNNNNNY?' get deleted REALLY quick.
Isn’t that similar to what Hitler said – “We got Poland because we heard it was good for promoting, but really, it’s good fun to annex people and give them shit”