Why it’s best to find out the facts before going off the deepened....

I received a text a few weeks back:

Anonymous Acquaintance - “Hi, how are you? Was thinking of doing a photo shoot for some advertising. Would you be interested? Only the feedback on the other shots you did for me was really good. I would like to pay my way though! And obviously if you’re busy I totally understand.  It might take a wee while to organise so I'm not thinking tomorrow or this week just in the near future.”

I suggested we met for a coffee to talk through details of what AA was looking for and said I would text when I was next in town for coffee.

About a week later and after three unanswered texts I changed tack and put my head into the shop and said I would be over in “Delicious” my favourite coffee house.  Great.  AA said they would meet me over there shortly....

Two hours later and no sign of AA.

I sent AA a text.

“Sorry I had to go” How English is that? Apologise for something that is not your fault...

I wasn’t very happy but it was not the end of the world.  I had my PC, access to the internet and so had been able to get on with my work, plus the Delicious staff are always friendly and entertaining (if anything the Delicious team got the worst of it, having to put up with me for longer than my normal visiting time). It was a bit of a surprise since I had not instigated the meeting and figured that was the end of the project...  

A week later I received the following text...  

Anonymous Acquaintance – “Hi, sorry I messed you around! Ok on an honest level I struggle going to places on my own! Even walking across the road I freeze! If you still want to meet up for the shoot do you mind popping in and I'll walk over to the cafe with you?! I'm not a freak or anything. 'Hopefully' I just suffer from a mild case of agoraphobia. I'm a very strong, outgoing person but this is a weakness I've had for years! I don't want to miss out on this shoot so if/when you are free I’d really like to chat.”

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My Reply - "No problem, glad you told me as I was a bit worried that my deodorant had failed spectacularly.   I should be around Monday through to Thursday so whatever is best for  you."

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Anonymous Acquaintance – “It's embarrassing. I guess people see me as a strong business person so it's really frustrating! I can go places and sometimes on my own, then for some strange reason I just freeze up and can only be in my comfort zone! Crazy! Anyway thanks for your reply. I can do anytime Wednesday.”

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My Reply - "Don't be embarrassed about it, we all have issues, hang ups. It's no different to any other fear or phobia that people have*  If people know about it they can help you deal with it.  If  they can't cope with it that is their problem..."

* my personal phobia is a fear of being stood up.... kidding, I come into Delicious most days when I work from home and I had my PC with me so it was not a issue for me other than worried what had happened to you. 

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I picked AA up and we walked over to Delicious, where we had a productive chat about ideas for a photo shoot over coffee (please note no cake Mrs B).We also talked about AA’s interesting problem for someone who has not only set up but continues to run a successful business. How AA has managed to avoid the attempts by doctors to prescribe medication for depression.  For despite the problems it causes, AA has refused to let it get them down.   

AA kindly gave me extracts from a diary they have been keeping about some of the issues they face... showing how they get by on a daily basis, often hiding from people the problem of not being able to go out on their own.... I’ve made a few changes to help disguise AA– but hope one day they will have the courage to publish either in blog form or as a book to demonstrate to the many other people suffering similar problems that they are not alone and people can, despite the odds, make a success of their lives....

Extracts from - The truthful liar

I know I for one would certainly be interested in reading more (especially if you remove my clumsy editing, which is aimed to give my friend the anonymity they need at the moment)....

Thursday
I could kill for a milky coffee right now,  but I’m out of milk. The shop is no more than a two minute walk away and I have money in my pocket. The truth is, I can’t go! My legs or my head just won’t let me. My usual helpers ie my friends are all at work, I won’t be expecting a call to say they are popping in for a coffee, and therefore I can’t lie to them and say that I totally forgot to get milk on my way home and for them  to swing by the shop via my house. The reason is I just can’t get my body or my mind to walk in there on my own.

My stomach is rumbling as it’s way past lunch, I reach my hand in my back pocket to grab some money, staring through the window at the street, watching the world go by, wanting so badly to open the door take ten steps, pick up a sandwich and enjoy it with the coffee I just made. I call to ‘Rachel’,  one of my trainee staff , ‘Yes’ she sharply replies. ‘I need to call my supplier in the back office it’s really important, can you run over the road and grab me a sandwich please?’ She did not need to ask what I liked because all the staff working for me know, they have all been Rachel at some point in the past.

Chewing each mouthful without tasting. My mind takes me back to my to do list. VAT return, the wage slips from last month’s wages needed to be printed, then the sick feeling of remembering it’s Thursday. Because that means it’s only 3 more days till Saturday, Saturday I have been invited out with friends, something to eat, few drinks, good catch up. My heart beating faster and the feeling of my whole body turning into a bean bag and the beads gashing down from my head through my body to my feet that are now glued and heavy to the floor, my ears not hearing a sound and my eyes not registering what I’m looking at. I hope I have a good day on Saturday. I hope I can go out! 

Saturday
“Cab’s here”, my partner calls. My heart beating faster and faster, I try to remember how a real smile looks like. Smiling at them they say “You look great, I can’t wait to eat, I’m so hungry” for a split second my smile becomes real, I can hear what they just said to me and my heart slows. Aiming for the cab I silently tut thinking why could you not park right outside my flat, why do I need to walk 20 steps to get in you. Oh that’s right No-one knows my secret.

‘It’s so good to see you both’ our friends have wanted to arrange something for ages but have been cancelled last minute because I “had too much paperwork to do”, “a court battle to prepare for”, or “my Nan needed me last minute”. They believed my lies, so I believed me. The truth was I wanted to go more than anything in this world, but my body wouldn’t let me.

The conversation is flowing, I can taste every mouthful of my food, excited about the dessert. The wine slightly hitting my head and the compliments firing at me from our friends. ‘So are you busy?’ me answering at the top of my glory, telling them how I’m smashing business, in how I now employ 12 staff members, but trying to also play it down to a modest level and telling them that I still need to work really hard, gloating to them that I brought a watch just the other day, hoping they don’t realise that actually it was only an impulse buy and that on that particular day it was a bad one and I needed a happy release in some way. And that I can’t actually afford it. 

I feel their proud voices talking to me, I feel good. If only they knew my secret! But the thought of trying to explain something I don’t even understand myself shatters me, Its best to show them the side of me they want to see, the me they can applaud and praise!

The shots keep coming and the music is loud, I can just about make out the lyrics, but it’s because of all the conversations around me that it muffles my ears, not because my brain shuts them down. My smile, my real smile, lasts hours.  We’re all having such a good time, planning our next night out, our plans for a holiday. And even though I know different, I pretend for those precious hours that I am going to keep to my promises, hopefully they won’t think that I will once again cancel last minute. Maybe this time they will forget how busy I get, how things crop up in my life all of a sudden, maybe they won’t realise there is a whole other me they don’t know, hopefully they can just see the me I’m presenting now, this minute, this night. In the back of my mind hoping so very much that they cancel before me, that something crops up, or they are too drunk to remember what we have planned. Holding on to the fact that this might be the last time they put up with being cancelled, or worse they find the other me. 

The adrenaline that I feel at that moment tells me that I am going to stick to my plans, I will have a good night! Then the sudden firework of an impulse and saying to myself…tell them, tell them who you are. My lips almost making a sound. ‘Shall we go dance?’ ‘Yes great let’s dance.’ It’s gone, it’s too late, maybe I’ll tell them another day. If that day comes.

Sunday
Stretching out my body, my head starting to thump, I must be the only person to actually enjoy a hangover. I went out, I had fun! I’m me again! Getting out of bed, jumping in my tracksuit grabbing the left over change from last night I fly out the door!

Right I need bacon, I need eggs, sausages, and the Sunday paper. My feet are walking me to the local shop, my lungs feeling the cold air. My head is yes still banging but I don’t care, I’m walking, I’m walking and I’m free! I went out last night, I’m out today and its going to be a good day! I can see so many more days like this. No bad thoughts enter my head, I don’t care, I’m doing it, I’m strong. If I can run a successful business, run a home, fight a court battle, deal with my mum dying when I was young I can do anything! I can do this!

Monday
‘Morning’ the staff look at me in an almost shock but let’s not make it obvious way because they know that it is 8.30am and on the days I’m in early is a good one. They all know I’m in a good mood and that it will be such a good place to work in today.

Not needing to dart for a latte because I have had milk in the fridge all week now, I start by getting the staff motivated, reciting my to-do list and thinking I’m so happy that the only thing I need to do today is my job. Everything is done! Even my Tesco shop! 

I hear everything, I enjoy the music, I’m laughing when I want to and not on cue. I have an opinion I don’t just agree. I feel free! Today I choose my own sandwich, today I taste the smoked salmon with the ever so slightly salted cream cheese. I crunch the granary bread with my teeth. 

Two weeks of feeling great! My life is on track, my office is tidy, the takings are up! 

Then…………

The dreaded text message flicks on my phone,

‘Hey how are you? Are we still on for next Friday? I can’t wait!

My fingers hit the reply, blocking all the feelings of dread in the back of my mind I start to type….O wait that’s right, I can’t.

My fingers so badly want to say that I’m still on, my head wanting to convince myself, the voice pounding my ears saying ‘let her down now, you know you will anyway’

I tell myself to stop being silly, I’ve been great this week, I was good the week before, I’ll be ok next Friday! I’ll reply later!

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My Email to AA- "The Truthful liar is wonderfully written,  One day I hope you get the chance to publish your story because I believe it would act as an inspiration to the many people who suffer from a similar problem but who allow it to stop them from succeeding with their dreams and aspirations.  

You asked me today if I felt differently about the you I knew before finding out about the mask that you wear and the you that I now know beneath that mask – A kind of modern day Wizard of OZ, only this story starts in Bishops Stortford rather than Kansas. Since you are playing the Wizard behind the curtain I’m hoping that I’m not playing the Dorothy character – I’m not sure I could carry off those ruby red shoes....I just don’t have the complexion or the singing voice for that matter.....  

The answer I would say is, I didn’t really know you before. I thought of you as a very strong minded, determined and successful individual who has achieved a lot at a very young age.  Now I see someone who has achieved this through adversity and my admiration for you has gone up.  As I said today it must have taken a lot of courage to send the text, explaining why you didn’t make our meeting and to open up to a relative stranger who hopefully can become a friend and ally in your battle to stand on solid wood and not those needles of self doubt.....

Part of being human is that, as brilliant as we are, we all have weakness, self doubt and issues, even the most successful people.  I would say that the more successful people are the more pressure that builds up around them, either from the expectation of others or the expectation they heap on themselves.  Take most comics or entertainers, they have a public face which allows people to see them as happy confident people.  The reality is that most of them are probably fighting  inner demons that suck at the very heart of their confidence and which sends many of them into deep bouts of depression.  If there is a positive that you can take from this, it is that as difficult as it is to deal with, thankfully you have a strong enough personality not to allow it to drive you to depression.

I look forward to working with you on our photo project and thank you for your honesty. Sadly I can’t promise that I can help you beat the problem but I will do everything in my power to work with you to minimise the impact ....". 

I for one am glad that I didn’t go off on one after I was stood up and said or texted something I might have regretted.  It just goes to show  it’s best to find out all the facts before making a judgement.....

Record of the week 

Stuck in my mind by the Glass Child - The closest song I could find, which appears to represented what AA  goes through.  Not nearly in the same league but thinking about it I realised that I have a similar freeze when it comes to the thought of eating vegetables.  I can see them,  I can think about eating them but can't actually bring myself to do it. The product of being forced to eat them  as a child. 

Take me with you by Prince - For when you have to be somewhere but can't manage it on your own....

Not much action this week, but thankfully the dip in temperature gave me a few photo opportunities

Photo Finish

Despite his claim to the contrary her new man clearly

didn’t understand the concept of foreplay. It was just as

well  she hadn’t put Soixante-neuf on the menu....

 

Moses duck soon lost most of his followers

when they realised he had not actually parted

the water, it had just frozen overnight........

Don't forget to tune in next week