Tuesday 8 May 2012

The weirdest burglary


We have become the victims of the world's strangest robbery. Nothing was taken except our kitchen cabinet doors .... 

Our kitchen auditions for page
 three of  the Sun newspaper – sadly 
they turned it down.  While they were 
happy with the  topless look,  they 
drew the line at showing innards.. 
who  would have guessed the 
Sun had standards.. 
The current suspects are 

Gunther von HagensI deduce that having got bored of plastinating 
bodies he has moved onto plastinating kitchens. It would have been 
nice if he had waited until our kitchen had been declared legally dead......

Mrs Bwanting more shoes and handbags to fuel her 
consumer designer lifestyle has sold them to raise the funds

MeI removed them in order to justify  my recent acquisition 
of a Dremel (Mini-marvel tool used for drilling, sanding, polishing,
 shaping etc...) and a new electric screw driver.  I was challenged 
by Mrs B as to why I had purchased them.... Before I could even 
formulate a reply Mrs B countered with

“You don’t do D.I.Y and when you do you're rubbish at it....”

Harsh but fair....

All that I was left with was a rather lame  - 

“My inner-man needed them, he hasn’t told me 
why yet but he was in no mood to be argued with...”

Mrs B just rolled her eyes – a nice trick if you can manage it, I bet if I tried it one of mine would get stuck under the bed and the other one would get eaten by the cats (a blinding result)........

I’m a bit suspicious as to why I wasn’t pushed further on the Dremel subject.   Is Mrs B in the process of purchasing something really expensive (requiring additional funds and an instant “well you bought a Dremel” excuse)?  This is why I’m moving her to the top of my suspect list, ahead of even Gunther.... 

OK – so using your skill and knowledge of all things BlackLOG (What do you mean you don’t normally read it, just look at the pretty pictures?  Well you have only yourself to blame....There is nothing stopping you delving into the rich tapestry of  BlackLOG back issues) can you work out which of the three suspects is responsible or can you think of an alternative reason for the missing doors????

....tune in next time for the mysterious truth

C.A.C.T.U.S (Cheap As Chips TUeSday,  at our local cinema)
The choice this week was "The Hunger Games"  – Now I’m all for teenagers being taken off the streets and forced to use their youthful energy and skills to decapitate, slice, shoot, burn, blow each other up etc....  but I object to this being called an original concept – The Japanese film, "Battle Royal", did this 12 years ago with more blood, gore and finesse .... I did not see the incentive for the kids in the Hunger Games to kill each other (district pride – are you kidding?  Most kids today can’t be bothered to stretch their hand out to drop litter in a bin to keep their own street clean) – at least in Battle Royal they had exploding collars  to keep them focused on the butchery.

So while I enjoyed the Hunger Games I’m fed up of loads of fat youff’s being interviewed from their couches (get out more)  claiming this was the most original book and film idea ever. Now here is an original idea - why don’t we drag them out (since when has exercise been a bad thing?), stick them in the arena with a load of Battle Royal fanatics and see who comes out on top.... OK, so in this case the exercise will probably end in their death but, on the bright side – as they say “What does not kill you only makes you stronger” but with possibly a side order of homicidal  tendencies.... I didn’t claim there wouldn't be side effects.  

Watch of the Week
The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG.

Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self-service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type… 

Jaeger LeCoultre


Master Compressor 18k Rose Gold Diamonds
Price  £17,995 
RRP  £36,780 
Saving  £18,785  
Excellent unused condition Jaeger le Coultre Master Compressor Ladies Ltd Edition 18k Rose Gold Diamonds automatic watch on white crocodile leather strap with 18k rose gold deployment buckle. This is the ladies size measuring 36.8mm. The dial is white. The watch is in excellent unworn condition with original boxes and manual only supplied from a UK authorized dealer on 1st November 2011. This particular model is still sold in Jaeger le Coultre Boutiques Worldwide but was manufactured in very limited numbers.

Record of the week

Listen Like Thieves by  INXS - I would have thought is should be either "listen like ears" or "steal like thieves" but since I'm not a long dead international pop star (with erotic autoasphyxiation issues*) what do I know...

* Would it be insensitive to say that Michael was said to be a well hung individual...

The Bartender and the Thief (acoustic Version) by Stereophonics - I'm assuming that the bartender purchased our stolen doors and has flogged them to one of his customers....

Kill The Director by The Wombats - Try as I might I could not get a song called "kill the teenager" or even "kill the Hunger games fanatics" so this will have to do....  

Hope to catch you next time....


14 comments:

  1. Oh, it has to be you. I own a Dremel, too (including a jigsaw attachment thingie which I have no earthly idea how to use). I fancy myself the Bob Vila of Home Improvement while I'm actually more like his brother, Lou, who is currently homeless and pushes a shopping cart full of cans around downtown Philadelphia. I think my penchant for mucking up the house in pursuit of handyman perfection is inherited from my dad, Mal.
    At least I never put shag carpet on my toilet.
    There's time, though....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pointing the finger at you.
    Give a man a power tool and he immediately starts demolition. At least that's what happens in our house.
    My husband once told me that every man should own a Dremel

    ReplyDelete
  3. Al Penwasser said...
    Oh, it has to be you. I own a Dremel, too (including a jigsaw attachment thingie which I have no earthly idea how to use).
    I’m not sure any of the thing attachments thingies are meant to be actually used, just purchased and littered around the work area as if they have been used....

    I fancy myself the Bob Vila of Home Improvement while I'm actually more like his brother, Lou, who is currently homeless and pushes a shopping cart full of cans around downtown Philadelphia.
    Just think what we could do with those cans and a Dremel – polish them, cut them into shapes....err...cut them into other shapes and then polish them again...excuse me while I go down for a quick nap – just thinking about using a Dremel wears me out...

    I think my penchant for mucking up the house in pursuit of handyman perfection is inherited from my dad, Mal.
    At least I never put shag carpet on my toilet.
    There's time, though....

    I find putting shag carpet on the toilet very useful for covering up the shells that I stick to it, to cover up the scratches I make when I try to buff it up (is it me or does “buffing up the toilet” sounds like a euphemism... ) with the Dremel and used the wrong attachment....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mynx said...
    Pointing the finger at you.
    Makes biting motion towards finger.... Count yourself lucky I’m on a diet....

    Give a man a power tool and he immediately starts demolition. At least that's what happens in our house.
    We don’t actually start out to demolish things – that just comes about through a lethal combination of over enthusiasm and natural inability....

    My husband once told me that every man should own a Dremel
    Wise words but he missed out the important bit
    “...but we should never be allowed to use it....”

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm going with Brian Sewer (aka Christian). I'm guessing once you're found guilty of a murder mystery party you're capable of anything - even stealing cabinet doors!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Had to squint really hard to find out where them cabinet doors should be....d'oh, looks fine without them

    ReplyDelete
  7. Totally you and your new tools. At least you know what your new tools are actually called. I needed to borrow some tools from a friend to replace my car battery yesterday. I texted him that I needed a screw grabber thingy with a long handle. He eventually just replaced the battery for me. All part of my plan ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. L-Kat said...
    I'm going with Brian Sewer (aka Christian). I'm guessing once you're found guilty of a murder mystery party you're capable of anything - even stealing cabinet doors!
    Now I’m impressed, you have either got a fantastic memory for detail or you have risked life and limb delving into the BlackLOG catalogue...what's more you are the only person who is not pointing a finger at little old innocent me and the even more innocent Sid* (how could he be guilty as he has not even spun in anger yet....)

    * You will have to drop down and read the reply to Brooke to get this reference....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Poke The Rock said...
    Had to squint really hard to find out where them cabinet doors should be....d'oh, looks fine without them
    Hi poke the rock – hope you didn’t strain your eyes too much. Sadly the open look and cats does not make for a good match....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brooke said...
    Totally you and your new tools. Et tu brute – a dagger to my heart....and I was so supportive in your London Photo competition

    At least you know what your new tools are actually called.
    Well I didn’t – but after this comment I want and found out –...Thanks for putting Sid and I on a first name basis

    I needed to borrow some tools from a friend to replace my car battery yesterday. I texted him that I needed a screw grabber thingy with a long handle. He eventually just replaced the battery for me. All part of my plan ;) That hardly ever works for me....

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm thinking that your new kitchen is looking a bit budgetty, no doors in case you hadn't noticed... And that's a well expensive watch you are advertising there - thinkin' Mrs B might fancy it for Christmas....
    Cats still alive? Our neighbours have 2 lovely little litters of kittehs 3 & 4 weeks old. Wondering if you are ready for fresh meat, or still feeding the oldsters????

    ReplyDelete
  12. Took middle son to see The Hunger Games and then came home and read the books - I enjoyed them :) I haven't a clue what's happened to your doors - have you looked in a. the garage. b. the loft. c. the garden shed. d. The charity shop at Thorley.

    ReplyDelete
  13. skipperthewonderhorse said...
    I'm thinking that your new kitchen is looking a bit budgetty, no doors in case you hadn't noticed...
    I would have thought you and Hugh would approve, no effort required to open those pesky doors when putting things away or taking things out...

    And that's a well expensive watch you are advertising there - thinkin' Mrs B might fancy it for Christmas....
    Fortunately a bit too much bling for Mrs B....

    Cats still alive? Our neighbours have 2 lovely little litters of kittehs 3 & 4 weeks old. Wondering if you are ready for fresh meat, or still feeding the oldsters????
    I’m not sure they would be able to eat a whole kitten these days....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Imo said...
    Took middle son to see The Hunger Games and then came home and read the books - I enjoyed them :)
    Hi Imo long time no comment...hope you are well – I’ve kindled the trilogy but haven’t got around to reading any of them yet....

    I haven't a clue what's happened to your doors - have you looked in a. the garage. b. the loft. c. the garden shed. d. The charity shop at Thorley.
    They say that charity begins at home but I’m not sure I would want to live in the Thorley parade of shops....

    ReplyDelete

Your Social Comment


This is just your opinion so feel free to say what you like...