Sunday, 2 November 2008

BlackLOG dating agency at your service

Since I could not find any Halloween photos I thought I would prepare you for Bonfire night....

I ran into a colleague at work - let's use a random name to protect her identity.............

Ooh that's unlucky. The random name that came out was "Claire" Sorry Clare that was unfortunate. Imagine the random name being the same as your own? Hopefully by adding the 'i' people won't recognise you......

We were discussing the global reach of the BlackLOG and particularly the break through into America last Monday night with 46 hits.

Claire asked me if could turn the BlackLOG into a dating agency as she could do with some nice rich American to look after her.

I explained that I didn't know any Americans who I disliked enough.... (Tongue in cheek guys, Clare is a "luverly girl", despite her main hobbies being: tormenting me by moving me around the building just when I get used to an area; and going on holiday - a lot).
Instead of the playful punch, sending me reeling across the corridor, that I expected and probably deserved :-

Claire "Don't, I took my dad shopping to help me buy a wooden floor for my bedroom."

Clare's dad(since I don't know him I don't have to protect his identity) "You should get the cheap version, after all it won't get much traffic...."

Ouch! Now you don't expect that from your dear old Dad.....

This moved me so much that I decided, for one week only, (unless vast sums of money come my way) to make this week's BlackLOG a special dating service for Claire. (Don't worry Clare I won't give out your real name until I have vetted each candidate.)

Claire's profile
I have to be honest - Claire does not normally look this good. It took a couple of days of hard work in Photoshop to produce these remarkable results....

Age - of an age

Height - that and a bit, less or more, depending on where you are standing

Hobbies - moving me around the building, dancing drunkenly at work events and frequently going on holiday.

Hair - mostly her own

Eyes - two

Children - yes

Wants Children - No

If you are still undecided then perhaps this will sway you - Claire has a new wooden floor in her bedroom, which is very nice but I suspect not as good quality as it could have been....

Halloween watch
Are they now shipping the kids into Bishops Stortford? I had to fight to get ElleGee passed a number of coaches, mini vans and buses which appeared to contain every child under 8 for miles around. I even had to drive around the block as a huge bunch of mini zombie-like creatures descended on our very house. After the third pass I spotted a gap and managed to get Ellegee safely into the garage and slipped inside unseen. Mrs B arrived shortly after. I was hoping that she had brought supplies of sweets with her to help fend off the hoards. Sadly not. She had assumed that I would .... and worse still, some of them must have seen Mrs B's arrival, because the property was soon surrounded by howling and enraged future ASBO candidates gorged on sugar and ready to scream the house down if they did not get more, their wardens barely able to restrain them. We retreated to the back of the house, turned the TV volume up and prepared ourselves to sit it out until they were taken kicking, snarling and screaming away to their beds...... It always amazes me that the day after Halloween there are never any bodies strewn in the streets. The odd "pavement pizza" and damp patches, where the little tykes could no longer contain the excitement, but never any bodies. If you have ever seen a half decent Zombie movie come daylight there are always lots of dismembered bodies and limbs littering the streets. Also, let's not forget the debris left after Guy Fawkes night - bits of rocket, little black soot encrusted metal sticks and the odd burnt down house. I guess the local council must send a clean up team onto the streets in the early hours of the morning to clear it all up before everyone gets up. This also might explain why the council never has any money left to do anything worthwhile like fill the holes in the roads or fight Stansted airport expansion....

Oh the shame
We went to see the Hoosiers in Brixton last week and it would have been a fantastic evening if some snivelling little git had not ruined it for me. As we went into the concert the SLG was handing out flyer's and thrust one in my face.........

Me in my younger and carefree days "Why would I want this?" I muttered as I tried to get past him.

SLG - "Get with it Grandad!" came his reply. "It's for the Hoosiers. You know? The band you are going to see tonight."

Ouch! Now I could have lived with "Slightly past my prime Uncle" but "Grandad"? I was too shocked to reply and shuffled slowly into the venue, a broken man.... The lack of support for this incredible blow to my male ego, from both Mrs B and my so called friend Sophie, almost finished me off. Fortunately my aging brain saved me and I soon forgot the whole sordid incident. Mrs B, however, wants to make sure that my mind does not fail me entirely and likes to regularly remind me of the event. How nice and caring of her....

If anyone wants to contact me, you had better do it soon. I expect that I will be moving to one of the less desirable parts of our building - once Claire gets back from yet another holiday, that is...... Don't forget to tune in on Thursday morning for more "BlackLOG - Historical". And no - they were not written in the middle ages, bloody cheek! "You youngsters don't know you're born....", "In my day....etc, etc.........."


  1. Clare/Claire sounds perfect, we've got the same number of eyes. Although my hair has mostly gone. Pity I am neither American, nor rich.
    Loved the profile.
    Celebrating neither Hallowe'en nor Guy Fawkes,a lthough I did do a speil of GF on Tomus. Spent H at an all-you-can-eat pizza restaurant - I did (felt it was my duty.)


  2. AV

    I'm sure that a South American with out much money is more then a match for any over loaded Yanks... I'll forward your details to Clare/Claire if she is still talking "at" me.... I can already picture your first date at the all-you-can-eat Pizza Restaurant.

  3. Great. But its a little like a nintendo game. I've already graduated from the 1st level and now I'm onto level 2 - which focuses on money and making my life enriched, not the other way around!

    Loving the effort though, so keep going

  4. Sorry AV Looks like I will have to put you back in the Sea. I hope you can swim.....

  5. Starts swimming....

    Handles rejection badly, back to pizza restauarant tonight.


  6. Tip to Claire: Start pinging elastic bands across the office at him!

    "the property was soon surrounded by howling and enraged future ASBO candidates gorged on sugar and ready to scream the house down"

    So they were all on your side of town then.......... hahahaha.

    although I don't actually know which side of town you are, but my bit of town was T&T free.

  7. AV Glad to see that you had your swim before eating. Never good to float on a full stomach.

    Don't tell me I am going to have to set up a dating page for you as well. If I do you have to promise to be less fussy then Claire/Clare

    Imo - We are in St Michaels Mead, which for most of the year is very quiet, but never at Halloween. I guess they must ship the little zombies in from your part of town.

    P.S Why no Blog?

  8. We usually get the local neds coming round with their jackets on back to front demanding money. As it was chucking it down with rain, we got none. No backbone, the neds of today. In my day we went out guising in all weathers.

  9. LOTH That takes me back, I have not heard "neds" since my father died. He was from Perth so I assume it is a peculiarly Scottish term.

  10. "P.S Why no Blog?"

    Looks wildly around..... What NO blog OMG I've lost it! Actually I have just signed up for a Blogspot, but can't get past deciding on background colour, what font to go for, etc. etc. You may be watching this space for a long time.

    Lives the Hockerill side of town which is good as can just lean out of the window when the local firework display starts up and not get wet.

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