Wednesday 16 February 2011

Valentine’s day massacre

Looking around the bloggerverse over the last couple of days, I’ve been reading the pro and anti Valentine’s camps…Not wanting to be left out I thought I should add the "romantic" BlackLOG spin on the day. As usual for my entrance, the party is so well underway that the DJ is packing up and everyone is trooping out….

I'm afraid I'm in the “hate it” camp when it comes to Valentine’s Day, on the basis that it is pure commercialism….

Mrs B and I stopped going out to restaurants for VD years ago. We object to being squeezed into a production line of Valentine specials menu (sub-standard food at exorbitant prices) , additional tables - generally so rickety that they would not pass basic health and safety checks and are prevented from collapsing only because there is no room for them to topple anywhere….

Any attempt at intimate conversation with your loved one is shared amongst 16 of the closest people in your lives….. not close in terms of family and relationships but close in terms of geography. You are very unlikely to get closer unless you choose to travel on the Tokyo underground…..


If it’s that bad on a normal commute day, you have to wonder
what is it like on bring your child to work days….
 
It certainly does not inspire me to book a restaurant
table in Japan on February the 14th....

Heaven forbid that anyone attempts to get down on one knee and tries to propose in this rugby scrum …Only after the uproar and general excitement has died down would our intrepid suitor discover if he/or she has managed to get engaged to his or her intended. In the worst possible case, if in their excitement our romantic suitor sways around during the proposal, they might well find themselves engaged to a number of people…..

When it comes to extracting your now compressed body from the death trap of (insert the name of any restaurant that you happen to frequent on the 14th February) you should be extremely grateful that the food served up was not in any way edible, as putting on even an ounce in weight would have severely hampered any chances of getting out of the restaurant at all.

It would not surprise me if the phrase “having a crush on somebody” came about through the thoughtfulness of restaurants to get their patrons ‘up-close and personal’ on Valentines night…

Proof that we truly live in a mad world
Just been hearing on the UK news, the story of the business owner who caught one of his staff with their hand in the till. He put a sign around the thief’s neck saying “I stole £825 and I am being taken to the police station.”

The result.....

The thief got a cautions for the theft and received £5,000 compensation from the employer for infringements of his human rights…WTF…

The employer not only had to pay this once “trusted employee” £5,000 for stealing from him but I believe an additional £10,000 lawyer costs. He ended up settling out of court because the costs were spiralling out of control….Talk about protecting the criminals…

I love the irony that our scum bag thief was paid £5,000 for the embarrassment of being seen by around 20 people, as he was paraded down to the local police station.  Thanks to the payment he receievd his face has been plastered over the national news bulletins, advertising his crime to millions of people and exponentially increasing his embarrassment.  It begs the question should he now receive even more compensation for the additional humiliation? It does make you question the old saying “Crime doesn’t pay”….

It's not much better in the States :-

Don't even get me started on the verdict that a magazine had not been malicious in publishing an article claiming that Beckham had paid a prostitute Nici $5,000 for a threesome.  Despite the L.A.Galaxy player proving beyond doubt that he was elsewhere at the time that the alleged liason (or in this case a three-iason) took place, a US district judge, threw out Beckham's case, deciding that the magazine's publishers had not acted with malice when they published the story, and upholding Nici's "right to free speech".

The judge said that the magazine's failure to check their facts properly "doesn't establish malice" - a key component of US libel law.

The only glimmer of hope from this story is since the BlackLOG has a strict policy to never check facts it should be free to say whatever it likes .... So I shall start with the US district judge “In my opinion..hmmm…hmmmm…..hmmmm”

Mrs B apologies for the interruption to this week’s BlackLOG but has put a gagging order on the remainder of this section

Film review - Black Swan
The review of the film suffers a bit from our local cinema’s incompetence. It is not the film’s fault that our cinema advertised the film but were incapable of playing it on C.A.C.T.U.S night * . What made it worse was for once Mrs B had finished early (well early for her) raced through the traffic and actually made it in good time for once, while our friend Mala had driven across from Hertford….

* Cheap As Chips TUeSday – all films £2.99 – well any that they actually manage to show….

We finally got to see the film on Saturday night where the fact that we got to pay full price seemed to have had the magic effect on the cinema who miraculously worked out how to play the film….

From my point of view there was far too much ballet, which is a little unfair considering this is a review of a thriller based around a ballet (please note I never claimed this was going to be a fair review). All that foot bending, toe crunching and spinning with each separate movement conveying a purity of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….sorry where was I….? Oh yeah, in short, ballet does nothing for me….

Still, once I looked beyond the ballet part it was a pretty decent thriller. Even so I still had a couple of other issues with the film. Natalie Portman playing the lead role was so intense, so miserable and so in distress that if she had been playing an actual swan she would have been put down to prevent further suffering (mine certainly if not her own….). Then there was the fact that the lead dancer in a ballet company did not have a dresser…. We live in an age that the lead in the most amateur of productions gets a dresser, even if it happens to be their Mum with some spit on a bit of tissue….

Word of the week
Thanks to “laughing my abs off” for inspiring my idea of a dating site for the terminally flatulent. During the battle of the Blogs (currently suspended through family illness, so you will have to wait a little while longer for my entry), LMAO had been allocated the task of “being a fart advocate”. Her entry included an idea for Speed dating based around selecting your mate based on health & vitality. One sure sign of this is the high quality & large quantity of toots….. With this in mind I bring you:

Inflatulations” - for people that pass “wind” in the night….

I had thought that I had created a new word but yet again I discovered (via a google search) I was cast as Scott of the Antarctic and yet again Amundsen had got their first….In this case the part of Amundsen is played by the Urban Dictionary who’s definition is -

“The act of loving someone or something to such
 an extent that it causes one to pass gas.”

Energy watch

Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

KW Produced so far - 201

This has earned us approximately – £85.70 so far

KW generated in the week - 21

Record of the week

St. Valentine's Day Massacre by Cocktail Slippers Diary - I had hoped to bring you the song “Please take your elbow out of my soup” by the fabulously talentless group “The Guys on the next table” but since they don’t exist and won’t ever write this never-green classic, I had to fall back on St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Don't Stand So Close To Me by The Police - This is pure genius at work, as it not only covers both the Valentine restaurant section, with the title, but also the group name covers  "being paid to be a thief part" ….I thank you

Mad World by Gary Jules

Black Swan by Thom Yorke – Almost as intense as Natalie Portman…..

Photo finish


For tonights performace of the Black Swan the
lead role will be played by Mischief...


While she has the black part down to a tee, she
still needs to ruffle her feathers a bit more and
work on that beak….

McG happy to extract himself from the Tokyo tube system,
vowing to never join in the bring a cat to work day again.

As an experiment he rated it almost as badly as
his starring role as “Schrödinger's cat 

McG working on his intense pose, during his auditions
 for the often overlooked role of the Ginger Swan....


Well done for surviving yet another BlackLOG, I hope you did not find it the experience too bad and will tune in next week for another adventure into the mundane....

24 comments:

  1. I went to Japan in 2002, and although I did not witness what your videos show, I have to say it the metro was OVERWHELMING. I even saw people take each other out in order to get on trains. One time I saw a girl get her head caught in the train's doors. Thankfully she extracted it just in time, but I was already thinking "I'm going to need therapy for life after this one."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Herding Cats said...
    I went to Japan in 2002, and although I did not witness what your videos show, I have to say it the metro was OVERWHELMING. I even saw people take each other out in order to get on trains. One time I saw a girl get her head caught in the train's doors. Thankfully she extracted it just in time, but I was already thinking "I'm going to need therapy for life after this one."

    A reporter from the scene, fantastic…I don’t suppose you have a video of the girl with her head stuck….that sounds uber cool. I guess any nation that takes a nuclear device to stop them (personally I think the second one was over the top) is not going to worry about taking each other out on the commute to work….

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  3. I hope you and Mrs. B picked another day to shout your love from the rooftops.

    Ever since I saw black swan I'm scared to pull on any hang nails. But I did decide I will name my first born Mila. And then I will tell that kid that I named her after a great actress who had a lesbian scene once.

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  4. I'm hoping that none of the members of your proposed dating site "terminally flatulent" get on the trains in Japan!!

    Enjoyed this week's blog.

    Anna

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  5. And I would say the biggest hazard of proposing on an unbelievably crowded subway car is that you may end up proposing to the wrong person.
    "Mom? Dad? I'd like you to meet my wife, Prince Charles."
    Yes, I know Prince Charles wouldn't ride a subway. The image just tickled me.

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  6. I just watched the video - man that was funny - do you think I'd get in any easier if I brought my hammer along? Just a thought!

    Jenny

    Thanks for dropping by and leaving a little jingle - it's catchy!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nikki said...
    I hope you and Mrs. B picked another day to shout your love from the rooftops.
    We do have an alternative day, February 30th. Somehow we keep missing it but I’m determined not to this year…

    Ever since I saw black swan I'm scared to pull on any hang nails.
    I’ve stopped squeezing my feathers since watching it….

    But I did decide I will name my first born Mila. And then I will tell that kid that I named her after a great actress who had a lesbian scene once.
    Could be interesting if your first born is a boy….I would like to be around for that conversation. “Well son it’s time we told you where your name came from - you were named after a lesbian scene in Black Swan…don’t moan you might have been called Natalie….

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anna said...
    I'm hoping that none of the members of your proposed dating site "terminally flatulent" get on the trains in Japan!!
    While I was hoping all of them would, it would really sort out the strong from the weak. Although I have a theory that with everyone crushed in like that there would be no chance of being able to get your bum cheeks apart to waft out even the most minuscule of pfffss

    Enjoyed this week's blog.
    Excellent, Always nice to know

    ReplyDelete
  9. Al Penwasser said...
    And I would say the biggest hazard of proposing on an unbelievably crowded subway car is that you may end up proposing to the wrong person.
    "Mom? Dad? I'd like you to meet my wife, Prince Charles."

    Prince Charles I would like you to meet my mom and dad, Gandhi & The Pope…..

    What a twist of fate, they met on the very same subway car years before. In the press Gandhi thought he was talking to Mother Theresa, mistaking the pontiff robes for a dress.

    Still a proposal is a proposal and the rest is history….


    Yes, I know Prince Charles wouldn't ride a subway. The image just tickled me.
    That’s because he would probably be driving it…

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  10. Was? Gab es einen Valentinstag? Wann?

    Uh-oh.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Pearson Report said...
    I just watched the video - man that was funny - do you think I'd get in any easier if I brought my hammer along? Just a thought!
    I had gone looking for a photo from the 1950’s that I remembered seeing* a picture, showing a Japanese train guard using a broom to force people into a carriage. It’s heart warming to know that this tradition still goes on, although a little disappointing that the brooms are no longer used**. I think they get away with it because wearing the white gloves, somehow makes it official and thus acceptable.

    * No not at the actual time it was taken, that would make me minus 10 or something like that

    ** Damn those draconian health and safety rules

    This would never happen in the UK as the stuffed shirts in bowler hats, with oversized black umbrellas, reading their broad sheet papers as wide open as they can manage, to take up maximum space, would get their wives to write disgruntled letters to the Daily Mail….

    …Hmm, Your hammer might come in useful for breaking a few umbrellas, so please feel free to bring it….


    Thanks for dropping by and leaving a little jingle - it's catchy!
    The Beatles certainly thought so….
    “Sorry Sir Paul….I only borrowed a few of the words…..”

    “Besides it was Jenny’s fault, she encouraged me to plagiarise by posting her blog…….”

    “No wait, I’m changing my defence”. Just need to find an US district judge….

    “I had no idea that these words had been used on one of my favourite Beatles album, having done zero research I felt I was free to write whatever I wanted….”

    ReplyDelete
  12. Audubon Ron said...
    Was? Gab es einen Valentinstag? Wann?

    Uh-oh.



    Don't worry you can go over to - TATTYTIARA
    she is offering Do-Over days....

    P.S. Good luck with the cooper twins….Don’t tell me you forgot to send them both a card….Would that count as two Do-Over days or just the one?

    P.P.S Lucky I’m fluent in Babel fish….Why German? I struggle with English as it is and that’s my first language…

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  13. Mr B did you look at my photos of OTTERS? The farmer says to tell you he doesn't charge for nature trips, and is happy to host lunches too!! He is uber proud of himself for top otter-spotting.

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  14. Skipper I certainly did and apart from wanting to vomit through jealousy, I'm (said through gritted teeth, which for some reason seem to have bits of diced carrots attached ) very pleased for you.....That must have been an incredible hour and what an incredible few weeks you have had, what with owls and red squirrels (where were the pictures?) as well. We may have to take up the farmer on his offer of a nature trip, but do remember even his special animal tracking powers failed to produce an owl for Mrs B....

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  15. today I was having a cup of tea with Rebecca and a bloody great big barn owl nearly flew in at the window. Just saying.....

    ReplyDelete
  16. I like your quirky humour and fun blog. Thanks for visiting and offering the witch theory. I'm pretty naive, so I didn't even consider that one.
    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  17. I traveled with a young boy on the Tokyo underground. During rush hour. When we were getting off the train he dropped his trading cards.

    Which can not be picked up in just any random order, you know.

    It was freaking chaos, and I was too helpless with laughter to do anything other than stand there as his human shield and hold my hurting sides.

    ReplyDelete
  18. skipperthewonderhorse said...
    today I was having a cup of tea with Rebecca and a bloody great big barn owl nearly flew in at the window. Just saying.....
    Are you sure you were not watching Harry Potter and it was in fact Hedwig flying at the TV screen? Jsust saying back at you....and you call yourself a friend

    ReplyDelete
  19. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...
    I like your quirky humour and fun blog. Thanks for visiting and offering the witch theory. I'm pretty naive, so I didn't even consider that one.
    Cheers,
    xoRobyn


    Glad you like the blog…as for the witch theory, unlikely as it sounds I always feel it is best to keep an open mind….Now you have found the BlackLOG don’t be a stranger…

    ReplyDelete
  20. tattytiara said...
    I travelled with a young boy on the Tokyo underground. During rush hour. When we were getting off the train he dropped his trading cards.
    I’m assuming this was not just any random boy but your ward for the day?….as for dropping his trading cards it could have been worse it could have been his strides. Mrs B once had a pair of headphones ripped out of her ears while getting off a tube train in London. She last saw them bobbing along the sea of passengers like drift wood in a fast flowing river….

    Which cannot be picked up in just any random order, you know.
    A bit like small Japanese boys then…Unless you were on a hefty bonus to bring him back in one piece I would have left him to it….

    It was freaking chaos, and I was too helpless with laughter to do anything other than stand there as his human shield and hold my hurting sides.
    It is just as well they are a very small (i.e short) nation, otherwise they might have been picking bits of you up in a C.S.I. Tokyo specified ordered

    GLEG - “Head” (tick),
    Wallick Blown – “Left arm” (tick)
    Laymond Langston – “No, no you need the neck and shoulders first….”

    ReplyDelete
  21. I realize there are many in the anti-V-day camp, but I don't see the commercialism (for once). I look at it as another occasion for nooky, to celebrate the romance of the relationship, the wonder of the human form.

    Of course, all holidays are occasions for nooky. ;)

    Thanks for visiting my little corner of the interwebs!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree about the BS of valentines day! Who wants to be crowded like that when you're out to dinner? I also always love your kitty pics! Hope you and Mrs. B did something else for V-Day that was fun!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Kernut the Blond said...
    I realize there are many in the anti-V-day camp, but I don't see the commercialism (for once). I look at it as another occasion for nooky, to celebrate the romance of the relationship, the wonder of the human form.

    Of course, all holidays are occasions for nooky. ;)

    Thanks for visiting my little corner of the interwebs!

    Thank you for the return visit Kernut. I was trying to think of holidays not suitable for nooky and came up with

    Annual Crabs day
    Celebrating celibacy
    Eunuch day
    In bed with your scumbag ex day

    ReplyDelete
  24. Climb2Nowhere said...
    I agree about the BS of valentines day! Who wants to be crowded like that when you're out to dinner? I also always love your kitty pics! Hope you and Mrs. B did something else for V-Day that was fun!

    I would guess that Monophobes and Agoraphobes would choose to be crowded in when out to dinner

    ReplyDelete

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