Friday 4 March 2011

The art of living in a crime zone without shitting yourself

This week I report to you from behind the metal shutters that now adorn our windows and the barricade that we have built up behind our front door.  It is day six of the siege that began shortly after our road became the most crime-ridden street in the district….. Thanks Paul.  To think how safe we felt until you showed us the “reality” that is the – ‘Crime and policing website…..”

Knock, knock

“Sorry, excuse me everyone…”

Me - “Hello, who is it?”

NWC - “Hi, it’s your neighbourhood watch co-ordinator”

Me - “Wow, You’ve risked crossing the road, are you alright, not been mugged or anything…?”

NWC - “It’s about that actually…. and for the record I didn’t knock, this is an email…so that knocking should have been a sort of "boinging" noise, telling you that you have new mail…”

Me – “So, can’I make you a cup of tea or anything?”  (Sorry I’m English it’s what we do….I don’t even like the stuff… but you have to offer.)

NWC – “No thanks.  Besides I’ve told you this is an email not a conversation and I’m just informing you that….”

Me – “So why exactly is this in the form of a conversation?”

NWC – “That’s a bit of blogger's licence for you and anyway why are you asking me?  It’s your blog.”

Me – “Oh, yeah so it is….. get on with it then, some of us are trying to write a blog here…”

The Email from NWC informed me that our road isn’t actually a war zone and the horrendous report on the Crime and policing website about our street is actually down to a statistical error….

Apparently when the “Crime and policing” site was first setup, crimes were registered against where they were reported i.e. the local police stations.  This meant that when the local police looked on the web site they found themselves living in a crime zone (even worse than our street apparently).  The estimate of the value of the police stations had fallen through the floor - not even Policemen want to live in crime hot spots,  so they decided to change the reporting methods.

The report is now compiled based on where the reporter of the crime is calling from and so the figures for our street included:-

·         A man who reported his sister being beaten up.  She actually lives in a different town

·         A 999 call made in error from a child's mobile phone

·         Umpteen calls from my friend Paul wanting to boost the crime figures for our road

So it turns out our damned neighbours are all goody goodies and it is merely their vigilance and  superior citizenship that is sending our house prices spiralling down into oblivion.

I sent the following response  to our neighbourhood watch co-ordinator (I’ve removed our road name to protect the innocent….)

Thank god for that, we have been barricaded in our house* since our friends, from that den of Iiiquity (AKA Millers Close), reported, with a bit too much relish for my liking ,  that we were living in Britain’s worst  hit  crime road.  I must admit that I’m impressed with the local council and the fantastic job it has done removing the burning vehicles, dead bodies, prostitutes and drug dealers from our road before anyone even noticed…..Perhaps they have been a bit over zealous though as they seem to have removed most signs of life as well or is it just that we are all busy indoors reporting crime from around the county, country, world ?

* Only venturing out to commit various crimes in the surrounding roads, in a valiant attempt to disguise the figures and make our obviously riot-torn road look more acceptable.


After reading through the problems associated with reporting crime (I’ve heard that we are only a couple of reports short of getting our own major ITV  series “Hertfordshire’s  real life ghetto….”)  you can understand that I’m reluctant to report the following suspicious characters seen hanging around recently.

Now don't tell me these don't look like trouble

Then I thought to myself t"To hell with the house prices I feel it is my civic duty..."

Yours from across the  war zone that is our “Look both ways before you cross and don’t forget your stab vest” street….

What I can’t quite get my head around is why the police don’t record the crimes against the location where they actually occur…..
A shitty drive
If you ever hear anyone claim they have had a really shitty drive I can inform you they have not, not even close…..

·         A couple of extra hours behind the wheel?  That’s nothing

·         Cut up by some arsehole?  Get over it

·         Run off the road by some nutter….?  OK that’s pretty shitty but still not in the same league as…..

Getting into your car for a 10 minute journey, imagine you are feeling fine - you have just been to the cinema and seen a really good film, “Paul”:  I can highly recommended it.....

.....when, 5 minutes into the journey, you get a sudden excruciating stomach cramp, followed a fraction of a second later by a violent expulsion….What the….? Not even time to think "Wow I need to get to a toilet.….."  I did have these thoughts though:

·         Oh my god I better not crash, that would take some explaining….”No I didn’t shit myself because of the accident….Give me a polygraph if you don’t believe me”

·         If I end up in hospital does it count if I tell them that I started out with clean underwear??? Despite all evidence to the contrary…

·         I’m glad that I’m not wearing shorts, they would never have contained this mother lode….

·         I wonder if this will end up looking like tan on my legs?**

·         Hope Mrs B has not got home yet….(unfortunately she had)

·         What do I say if I get stopped for speeding – other than “No officer I think it would be better if I did not get out of the car….”

·         How bad would it have been if this had happened in the cinema?  Now that would have been the walk/shamble/shuffle of shame, as I tried to squelch on out of there….I guess I could have attempted to claim the film had scared the shit out of me…but I probably would not have got away with it, “Paul” is a comedy after all…..

·         Just as well my friend Ash and I were in separate cars….

I managed to make it home, despite some additional squelchy aftershocks and spent the next 24 hours hosing myself down in the shower. With just the loss of a once perfectly good pair of underwear, my trousers and my dignity to keep me company.  

Mrs B helpfully stood at arm’s length with one hand clamped over her nose, proffering bags for ex-clothing through a crack in the bathroom door…..This was one shit that certainly didn’t come up smelling of roses….

So like I say, next time you claim to have had the shittest journey ever, I think I can give you  the runs  a run for your money 

For the record Mrs B didn’t want to touch this part of the blog even with an extendable loo brush….

** Coincidently LilPixie covered tanning in her post this week but for some inexplicable  reason didn’t cover "The car and trouser tanning technique – for those who want a bottom half tan only (patent pending)"….. You should go and check out her blog, It's a lollipop world, I think it’s really funny (let’s hope that it is meant to be and I’ve not misinterpreted a serious blog.  It wouldn’t be the first time. I mean how was I to know that “Floaters” was not  hilarious stories about unflushables, rather than the sad story about people who drowned …..)  

In a desperate attempt to get something positive out of this experience…..

A couple of days before “The event” I had deposited a huge steaming turd of an aside made the following remark  on LilPixie's tanning blog.  I had been worried it would remain hidden in the depth of her comments section. However this seems like an ideal opportunity to flush it to the surface….  

I'm happy being a pale English Rose and have used a towel factor 5*** since I was a teenager.

*** 5 Towels covering my body at all times - even when in the shade - you can never be too careful..

I do find it hilarious when people turn orange for the sake of “looking good” (snigger, snigger, snort, like a small child on a sugar and E number overdose) you can do that by just eating carrots****, although not as safely as you might think. Huge amounts of carrot eating will lead to you developing an orangey colour to your skin and even the whites of the eyes may turn orange. The palms of the hands and the soles of feet can also become carrot coloured in serious cases. At this stage if you carry on eating those evil carrots, you will most likely die of carotene poisoning…

On the plus side if you go for an open casket funeral you will at least have a “healthy” orange glow…probably enough not to require additional lighting in the chapel of rest or would the service be better held in a greenhouse?

**** Makes you wonder if the Hulk was suffering from a green vegetable overdose - I know that being forced to eat just a few vegetables, as a kid, certainly made me mad, so who knows what might happen if someone forced me to eat a lot now?

Fortunately I don’t own a pair of ripped purple shorts so we will never know….

Hang on a second, I don’t think Dr Banner did either ….

Unsolved mysteries of the world… just where did the Hulk's purple shorts come from?? Was he being forced to eat some aubergine along with those greens???

Lilpixie likes to reply to all comments - a girl after my own heart.  If someone has taken the trouble to make a comment they deserve a response….

Lilpixie  - A tragic oompa loompa death by carrots. Who knew...
Me - I’m not sure I would describe any Oompa Loompa death as tragic, more like a result….

Lilpixie  -You know it's funny you said "aubergine". My best friend is from England & she came to visit me this summer & educated me on the European eggplant. I can't remember what ya'll call the zucchini over there now. Corgettes, am I correct? (Those are really cooler names than we have.)

Me - You are correct on the Courgettes front, yucky horrible things… I think the cool name thing is probably down to unfamiliarity…although even I have to go with Aubergine over Egg plant any day of the week…. Funny how Pulp Fiction did comparisons with fast-food rather than vegetables

Lilpixie - So, the Hulk was made out of Spinach? Where the hell have I been? I would have been watching my intake by now, before I turned into swamp thing at the dinner table.

Me - I’m way ahead of you and have been restricting my green intake for years, until now I just didn’t know why….Thank you gut feeling you saved me from a lifetime of anger management therapy and having to maintain a green co-ordinated wardrobe..

Lilpixie - Haha. You're awesome!! I love long, humorous comments!

Me - Thanks for posting a blog to get my teeth into. You may wish to retract the awesome comment once you have read next week’s BlackLOG, possibly way too much sharing even for me….

Lilpixie  - The Hulk was more than likely growing eggplants in his shorts, or is half made of eggplant. You learn something new everyday.

Me - I guess he probably had something growing down there, I’m just way too English (i.e infuriatingly polite) to speculate about it. As for learning something new every day, I try not to. At my age, with so many brain cells already confined to history’s wastepaper basket, I have enough difficulty remembering my own name let alone anything new….


Show me the Sunny (a rebranding of Energy Watch)
It was going to be “Show me the money,” but I thought that was a bit mercenary…. Besides I was frightened Jerry Maguire might sue for infringement of copyright ….

Monitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels

KW Produced so far - 264

This has earned us approximately – £113 so far

KW generated in the week – 41

I discovered this week that the average sunshine for the UK should be 175 hours, in the period that we have had our solar panels but this year it has been only 125 hours….that is a whopping decline of around 29%.  Sorry Britain my bad, I guess putting up Solar panels is the equivalent of going out without an umbrella, which makes it 99.999% certain that it will rain…..Hang on a second, we live in Britain - it’s already 99.998%  certain it will rain, I shouldn’t be crucified for an extra .001% should I?

Show me the Sunny -

our way to a fortune or is i
how to turn a large fortune
into a small one.... 


Record of the week

We got to get out of this place  by the The animals

Shit creek by Icicle works
Accidents will happen by Elvis Costelo
Photo finish
Many of you will be relieved that there are no pictures of "The incident"


I must admit that I’m impressed with the local
council and the fantastic job it has done removing
 the burning vehicles, dead bodies, prostitutes
and drug dealers from our road before
anyone even noticed…..


The metal shutters and the barricades
have been removed. We are just relieved 
that we can go back to living the peaceful
existence that we always thought that
we were living….

Tune in next week for some exercise Nazi’s, me upsetting other bloggers and an irate Mrs B (see the exercise Nazis) has a pop at the blind (we should be OK as long as the BlackLOG is not translated into Braille or anything that can be read by a Golden Retriever….….)    



36 comments:

  1. Thanks for all the gory details of your 'True Story'. Your frankness much appreciated, especially when we had finished falling about laughing, and wiping the tears from our eyes. Your confessional courage is wonderfully honest... we shall make sure to install some kind of protective mattress covering next time you stay here.....

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  2. Don’t worry Skip if it happens again I will be wearing incontinent pants....

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  3. I think I've said this before. Your post about the "shitty drive" reminded me of a story (which I will cut down drastically)... My brother tells of when, driving home from our sister's house, he had a "crap attack." Since he was in a neighborhood, he couldn't pull over and relieve himself in the bushes. To avoid further discomfort, he just decided to "go" in his pants. Which was great until it started to cool and he had to shift his car's transmission. When he got home, he threw his pants into a plastic bag and himself in a shower. He decided to take the plastic bag to a convenience store dumpster because he didn't want his neighbor's dog to pull his crappy trousers from a trash can. There's considerably more to the story, but needless to say, it's a family favorite come Christmas time.
    Coincidentally, my brother's name is Paul.

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  4. Ok, fist off, LMAO! Secondly, I am quite refreshed by your honesty; not many people would admit, to cyberspace no less, to dropping a load in the car.

    Also, I live in a very high crime suburb. Yes, I live in a wealthy, Christian suburb that is rife with prostitution. I find that funny. Hilarious actually. We even had our own 'happy endings' massage parlor (right across the street from my ex church-LMAO) until the cops raided it and shut it down.

    Well, I've blathered enough for now. I'm off to check out some of your other posts.

    Laters!

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  5. I think my heart just stopped from laughter!! Oh yeah, I'm stalking your ass now ;) (following)

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  6. Oh, that was great!!

    Wow, that looks like a terrifying neighborhood, riddled with shady action. That was hilarious!!

    The shitty drive - There is an older post within my blog where I briefly refer to the time my mother shit her pants at Christmas dinner & everyone was evacuated from the house while they sprayed her down in the basement with a hose.
    (That is so one of those "you're not alone" types of paragraphs)

    Terrible as those moments are when they're happening, you can't beat stories like that.

    I love that you posted that conversation.
    You know, for me, commenting & responding is 50% of the blogging experience. Holding a conversation & building friendships with your readers. I often wonder if the others are robots.

    Solar panels in the UK. Having a friend in the solar installation business, I'm familiar with the expenses of even a panel or two. That was funny!

    You may be posting once a week, but clearly it's stuff worth the wait & anticipation.

    What a great read. Pardon me for being a lil late on getting around to reading. Two crazy days....Or was it eight crazy nights...

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  7. Al Penwasser said...
    I think I've said this before. Your post about the "shitty drive" reminded me of a story (which I will cut down drastically)... My brother tells of when, driving home from our sister's house, he had a "crap attack." Since he was in a neighborhood, he couldn't pull over and relieve himself in the bushes. To avoid further discomfort, he just decided to "go" in his pants. Which was great until it started to cool and he had to shift his car's transmission. When he got home, he threw his pants into a plastic bag and himself in a shower. He decided to take the plastic bag to a convenience store dumpster because he didn't want his neighbor's dog to pull his crappy trousers from a trash can. There's considerably more to the story, but needless to say, it's a family favorite come Christmas time.
    Coincidentally, my brother's name is Paul.

    Blimey your brother had the luxury of deciding, I could have been three feet from a toilet and I would not have made it.

    I assume you are waiting until Paul upsets you before publishing the full sordid story at Penswasser place

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  8. Raven said...
    Ok, fist off, LMAO! Secondly, I am quite refreshed by your honesty; not many people would admit, to cyberspace no less, to dropping a load in the car.
    You think I may have soiled my reputation?

    Also, I live in a very high crime suburb. Yes, I live in a wealthy, Christian suburb that is rife with prostitution. I find that funny. Hilarious actually. We even had our own 'happy endings' massage parlor (right across the street from my ex church-LMAO) until the cops raided it and shut it down.
    I guess the massage parlour must have made a complaint that the church was scaring off their clients….I would have liked to see the priest being taken out in handcuffs ….

    Well, I've blathered enough for now. I'm off to check out some of your other posts.

    Laters!

    Hope you enjoy yourself, I will try and track down any comments you make and respond accordingly…sounds like a fun new game

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  9. THUNDERCAT832 said...
    I think my heart just stopped from laughter!! Oh yeah, I'm stalking your ass now ;) (following)
    Thank you for visiting and for following, a word of warning, I would not get too close to my ass, I suddenly seem to have acquired a bit of a bad reputation in that area.

    Unless you are working on the lighting doesn’t strike twice principle….Sadly like lightning my poo seems to take the path of least resistance

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  10. LilPixi said...
    Oh, that was great!!
    That would depend on which side of the story you were on, participant (not so much) or reader (a bit more so).

    Wow, that looks like a terrifying neighborhood, riddled with shady action. That was hilarious!!
    I think that’s why my friend Paul was so ecstatic when he report it to us. Our road is so quite it’s like a morgue at closing time..

    The shitty drive - There is an older post within my blog where I briefly refer to the time my mother shit her pants at Christmas dinner & everyone was evacuated from the house while they sprayed her down in the basement with a hose.
    (That is so one of those "you're not alone" types of paragraphs)

    Your mother soiling her pristine Xmas knickers sounds brilliant to me (just the sort of story I was hoping my unfortunate event would draw out) and deserves far more than a brief (tee hee) mention. I would probably get a whole blog series out of that one event.

    My mother has had a few Xmas adventures but nothing in that league

    1. Mrs B and my first Christmas in our first home – mother was the guest and did not speak a word to either of us all day after I had an argument with her when I was picking her up….

    2. A few years later and she was back again. This time Mrs Parent were also there. My mother was wondering around in her dressing gown abd getting under everyone’s feet. One we got into the afternoon and mother was still shuffling around in her dressing gown Mrs B cracked and screamed at her “If you don’t want to join in you can just fuck off!!!” Mrs B was mortified at what she had said, she does not swear very much at all. I could hardly contain my laughter, while mother shuffled upstairs got dressed and joined in….


    Terrible as those moments are when they're happening, you can't beat stories like that.
    Sadly they are blogging gold dust…

    I love that you posted that conversation.
    You know, for me, commenting & responding is 50% of the blogging experience. Holding a conversation & building friendships with your readers. I often wonder if the others are robots.

    I must admit I don’t bother making many comments on blogs where the owner does not respond…. I’m with you and like the cut and thrust of correspondence with fellow bloggers.

    Solar panels in the UK. Having a friend in the solar installation business, I'm familiar with the expenses of even a panel or two. That was funny!
    It truly feels like the sun has deserted us since the panals were installed.You may be posting once a week, but clearly it's stuff worth the wait & anticipation.
    One week I had so many different topics to cover I tried introducing a new topic a day but got fewer readers than normal

    What a great read. Pardon me for being a lil late on getting around to reading. Two crazy days....Or was it eight crazy nights...
    No worries it is here all week and not going anywhere …. A bit worried about your maths though two days and eight nights !!!

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  11. The "Paul Poop Post" is a post all in itself but I didn't want to go on and on in your comments section. The guy makes me laugh so I hope I don't upset HIM!
    I also admire the fact you've admitted to auto evacuation. Like you, if it makes people laugh, I'm telling it. Like when I crapped on my bathroom floor when I thought all that was coming out was a fart (really difficult to clean the grout). You could say I had a catastrophic O-Ring malfunction.
    I also have a story about my hemorrhoid surgery......

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  12. Well, this was a helluva wild ride. Sorry that you shat yourself, but that's no reason to go around making others pee themselves. You could at least issue a warning: Empty bladder before reading.

    Your neighborhood is absolutely lovely. You clearly have only white-collar criminals to worry about.

    ;)

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  13. And so I called a sentence a paragraph. That's okay.

    Even dear mom tells me I should post that story.
    I think I'll surprise my readers on a random rainy day.

    I did want to clarify it wasn't your spending a large fortune & then having bad weather luck that struck me funny as much as it was that, from what I've heard, isn't that just like England to unexpectedly turn a lil more gloomy?
    (Intriguing, fascinating, awesome place from what I hear!! Though, I need the sun as much as those panels do)

    I loved that story about the Mrs. & the mother-in-law.

    I noticed that too-The more frequently I blog, the less feedback I seem to get.

    I think what happened was, I partied so hard I couldn't remember if it was only two days of insanity, or 8 nights. At least, I did in my mind.

    Hope you & the Mrs. have been having a lovely weekend! This blog is too awesome.

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  14. Al Penwasser said...
    The "Paul Poop Post" is a post all in itself but I didn't want to go on and on in your comments section. The guy makes me laugh so I hope I don't upset HIM!
    The fact you openly blog about your own misadventures makes it a little easier to blog the shit (pardon the unfortunate timing of that expression, I hope I have not offended Paul and for that matter myself (To be honest I’m a little hurt at my own insensitivity to myself) over this most sensitive of subjects) out of everything and anything. I must admit if it had been a friend this had happened to I probably would have disguised their name, badly and easy to guess but disguised all the same….I would probably have blurred the background on their photo as well

    I also admire the fact you've admitted to auto evacuation. Like you, if it makes people laugh, I'm telling it. Like when I crapped on my bathroom floor when I thought all that was coming out was a fart (really difficult to clean the grout). You could say I had a catastrophic O-Ring malfunction.
    I also have a story about my hemorrhoid surgery......

    If you can’t laugh at yourself…there is always someone out there willing to do that for you.

    So get it in first I say, they might be laughing at you but if you are already laughing when they start, by definition they are also laughing with you, even if that is not their intention….

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  15. injaynesworld said...
    Well, this was a helluva wild ride. Sorry that you shat yourself, but that's no reason to go around making others pee themselves. You could at least issue a warning: Empty bladder before reading.
    No fun in giving warnings, besides I feel I’m giving you the opportunity to write your own bodily function failure blog….

    Your neighborhood is absolutely lovely. You clearly have only white-collar criminals to worry about.

    ;)

    Yeah we have to keep an eye on the stationary cupboard that’s for sure. We even have to staple the stapler down to prevent it being “borrowed”…

    This very same stapler may or may not have been borrowed from somewhere else. I would need to consult with my lawyer before making any further statement regarding the stapler….

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  16. LilPixi said...
    And so I called a sentence a paragraph. That's okay.
    Certainly not a hanging offence in my book….

    Even dear mom tells me I should post that story.
    I like the sound of your mum…does she want to adopt.

    I think I'll surprise my readers on a random rainy day.
    Try not to surprise them too much, it can get very messy. Me and my new mum* have experience of sudden unexpected “happenings” in the nether regions** and we can assure you that it will take an awful lot of rain to make any headway in cleaning up afterwards….

    *you might also know her as …mum….. but as I’m new, I’m her designated favourite at the moment.


    ** a suburb of ‘Soiled Under-crackers’ in the province of ‘Loss of all Dignity’

    I did want to clarify it wasn't your spending a large fortune & then having bad weather luck that struck me funny as much as it was that, from what I've heard, isn't that just like England to unexpectedly turn a lil more gloomy?
    (Intriguing, fascinating, awesome place from what I hear!! Though, I need the sun as much as those panels do)

    Can I send my panels over to you…. since I can’t get them to eat the carrots or go to a tanning booth they are starting to look very pale at the moment

    Any time you decide on visiting this intriguing, fascinating, awesome but ultimately gloomy place***, I can show you a none working electricity production site, an emergency evacuation cleaning station and an unused television documentary set (after the crime zone TV series was cancelled through lack of real crime)

    *** Although I can report it is currently sunny at the moment**** and I was able to drive to work topless for the first time this year*****.

    Probably not so pleasant for the other commuters….but hey I was happy

    **** A crystal-clear show me the money day

    ***** That would be ElleGee****** that was topless, and not me

    ****** In case you have not read that far back in BlackLOG history, ElleGee is a car


    I loved that story about the Mrs. & the mother-in-law.
    It’s such a shame they don’t get together more often to develop more of these heart warming moments….

    I noticed that too-The more frequently I blog, the less feedback I seem to get.
    That’s the law of diminishing returns for you….Who said economics class were a waste of time…true I can’t remember anything else about them…

    I think what happened was, I partied so hard I couldn't remember if it was only two days of insanity, or 8 nights. At least, I did in my mind.
    Last time I partied that hard I was six and overdosed on red jelly…I may well have shat my pants then as well, but certainly wasn’t blogging about it if I did. I was a sensitive little soul in those days….This quality does not appear to have come with me into my so called adulthood …..

    Hope you & the Mrs. have been having a lovely weekend! This blog is too awesome.
    Thank you, that makes the whole process of washing my dirty underwear in public, just that little bit more meaningful

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  17. This week's blog has to be my favourite ever Niel, it had me laughing out loud and remembering other incidents of toilet humour.

    Anna

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  18. O-M-G!!

    So soooo funny.

    I am sorry you experienced such a shitty journey (bahh hahahahahahahah) but what wonderful blog fodder.

    Lovin' the songs of the week, too.

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  19. I'm going to need a second job, because I don't ever, ever want to buy a used car now.

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  20. Anna said...
    This week's blog has to be my favourite ever Niel, it had me laughing out loud and remembering other incidents of toilet humour.
    I’’m loving the story you told me about your friend who did the same, only it was after two weeks of not going to the toilet and her daughter throwing up through the smell…..
    Also find it funny that other than you, the people at work who I know read my blog have not said a word….

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  21. Danica-Dragonfly said...
    O-M-G!!

    So soooo funny.

    I am sorry you experienced such a shitty journey (bahh hahahahahahahah) but what wonderful blog fodder.

    So true….which is why I was prepared to tell all….

    How have you been? I saw you had been out of action for a while, hope you are better or very much on your way to being better


    Lovin' the songs of the week, too.
    Yeah, certainly a bit of light relief this week

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  22. tattytiara said...
    I'm going to need a second job, because I don't ever, ever want to buy a used car now.
    How do you know I wasn’t test driving a new car????
    I might be going out on a limb here but I strongly suspect you are not going to be one of the people bidding for some heavily stained underwear

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  23. your absolute randomness never fails to entertain!! I really have no response though, especially about the incident, haha :)
    and yes...switz is SO clean, I love it. Not perfect but it will do. There is a week or two where it is trashed and that is for carnival- litter, beer bottles and confetti EVERYWHERE.

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  24. Krystal said :

    your absolute randomness never fails to entertain!! I really have no response though, especially about the incident, haha :)
    I’m afraid the randomness comes from the way I think, or should that be don’t think….Mrs B often has fun trying to work out what conversation I’m having with her when the first part of it is takes place in my head and she only gets the benefit of the second part blurted out at her.

    and yes...switz is SO clean, I love it. Not perfect but it will do. There is a week or two where it is trashed and that is for carnival- litter, beer bottles and confetti EVERYWHERE.
    I suspect after publishing details of “the incident” I am now on a blacklist of undesirable visitors to the cleanliness that is Switzerland…There is a ray of hope though, it sounds like I might be able to sneak in a visit during carnival time…..I promise to bring my own toilet paper and pay for a cleanup team if required….

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  25. Wait a minute....Isn't that harry potter's flat? I think you're feeding us lies.

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  26. Last night I babysat my nephew for the first time in a long time. As night came, I went around to lock all the doors and things. My nephew quickly informed me the garage door doesn't even get CLOSED let alone locked. The cat needs to get in and out. Oh. They don't even lock their gate. They live in a nice neighborhood. I sure like visiting there. Me? I live in low-rent district. We have onsite security not as a benefit to the residents, but to keep them from screwing up the property and lowering the value even more.

    I used to live in an estate in Malibu that had metal shutters and doors that dropped down at the push of a single button. (scared the crap out of me when I first pushed the button and plunged the house into total darkness in the middle of the day).

    The person who installed the feature was Carl Parmer of BMG Music fame ("10 cds for a penny"). He's one paranoid dude.

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  27. Nikki said...
    Wait a minute....Isn't that harry potter's flat? I think you're feeding us lies.
    Is this pay back for some of the more obscure comments that I leave draped over at Que sera sera!? Or is this about the tap left running and the loos seat left up over, I told you that was Bryan

    I have to admit your comment has left me stumped and this is coming from someone who can be pretty left field. Grasping at straws is Harry Potter’s flat some sort of Seattle rhyming slang for having a car shat…

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  28. Kernut the Blond said...
    Last night I babysat my nephew for the first time in a long time. As night came, I went around to lock all the doors and things. My nephew quickly informed me the garage door doesn't even get CLOSED let alone locked. The cat needs to get in and out.What they don’t even trust the cat with a key, that’s harsh

    Oh. They don't even lock their gate. They live in a nice neighborhood. I sure like visiting there. Me? I live in low-rent district. We have onsite security not as a benefit to the residents, but to keep them from screwing up the property and lowering the value even more.
    Even in the nice bits of Britain those unlocked gates would have been stolen years ago..We would probably have to nail down those security guards as well to stop them being pinched

    I used to live in an estate in Malibu that had metal shutters and doors that dropped down at the push of a single button. (scared the crap out of me when I first pushed the button and plunged the house into total darkness in the middle of the day).
    Now that’s classy, lulling me into a false sense of not noticing “the incident” and then trapping me in a suddenly darkened building (yes I managed to hold it together this time) while gently rubbing my nose in it. What next a rolled up newspaper tapped on my nose and a lecture “bad puppy, don’t do it again…..”?

    The person who installed the feature was Carl Parmer of BMG Music fame ("10 cds for a penny"). He's one paranoid dude.
    Can you blame Carl. I suspect the artists on those CDs are looking for a bit of payback for loss of royalties and a baseball bat is probably their only course…

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  29. Nothing like a good shart.

    Last week in our neighbourhood some Fucker pulled knife on me but my trained eye could tell it wasn't a real professional job. There was still butter on it.

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  30. A Daft Scots Lass said...
    Nothing like a good shart.
    I have recently discovered that some places are better than others. Since I’ve been told that I am not alone in this experience you have to ask when car companies are going to start installing loo rolls as standard

    Last week in our neighbourhood some Fucker pulled knife on me but my trained eye could tell it wasn't a real professional job. There was still butter on it.
    Sounds to me like he had been going to toast you and got hungry waiting….

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  31. ROFLMAO I saw your comment on Raven's blog and figured I'd check out your blog- It's really shitty (bwahahaha I know how awful that is and still I don't delete) but I expect I'll be back anyways. ;) Love the sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh no, you've never left an offhanded comment on my blog ;)

    I was thinking the photo of your home was Harry Potter's...but then Harry Potter probably doesn't have solar panels, as he has magic right? But then some of the crime on your street could be explained as magic used on muggles and the police are just trying to cover it up.

    No I'm not smoking anything why do you ask?

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  33. dddiva said...
    ROFLMAO I saw your comment on Raven's blog and figured I'd check out your blog- It's really shitty (bwahahaha I know how awful that is and still I don't delete) but I expect I'll be back anyways. ;) Love the sense of humor.
    Thank you for the visit, I promise it’s not normally this messy. I must say it is very brave of you to ROF

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  34. Nikki said...
    Oh no, you've never left an offhanded comment on my blog ;)
    Evidently I must try harder

    I was thinking the photo of your home was Harry Potter's...but then Harry Potter probably doesn't have solar panels, as he has magic right? But then some of the crime on your street could be explained as magic used on muggles and the police are just trying to cover it up.
    Now that’s a theory that I understand and I wish I had thought of it, it might have made the blog readable for once…nice pick up…

    No I'm not smoking anything, why do you ask?
    I can only assume you have been hanging around in a smoky environment and picked up second hand munchies

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  35. Fantastic.

    I've not had the honor [pleasure? dismay?] of shitting myself in a moving vehicle, but I'm sure that time is coming. At which point I'd have to sell my car and probably want skin grafts done.

    I'm sorry that your neighborhood has become such a hellhole. I live the whitey-whitest, most Catholic suburb of Detroit [lovely city, really] and my mother-in-law is CONSTANTLY hearing gunfire when she visits. And yet she continues to come to a town where she's in imminent danger of dying. Go figure.

    Seriously. You're brilliant.

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  36. Suniverse said...
    Fantastic.

    I've not had the honor [pleasure? dismay?] of shitting myself in a moving vehicle, but I'm sure that time is coming. At which point I'd have to sell my car and probably want skin grafts done.

    Top bit of advice for when you have the dismeasure (new word– actually it is just the resulting car crash of two words but is it just me or is it strangely fitting for the topic – I dismeasured my pants…..) of shitting yourself in a moving vehicle….make sure you sell that damn thing before you blog about it……

    For sale
    Slightly soiled car….

    Not a big selling point in its favour….


    I'm sorry that your neighborhood has become such a hellhole. I live the whitey-whitest, most Catholic suburb of Detroit [lovely city, really] and my mother-in-law is CONSTANTLY hearing gunfire when she visits. And yet she continues to come to a town where she's in imminent danger of dying. Go figure.
    Fortunately it is only a hellhole in the imagination of the police website….As for your mother-in-law have you thought about taking a shooting course to improve your accuracy ……


    Seriously. You're brilliant.
    Thank you for the visit and with comment like this you are welcome anytime….

    ReplyDelete

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