Friday 18 May 2012

Shedding skin like a snake watching a flying ferret

Thanks guys. 66% of you who expressed a preference accused me and Sid* of  stealing the kitchen cabinet doors....Harsh and as it turns out not fair...The doors were rather unexcitedly sent away to be re-sprayed.

* You would have to have read last blog’s comments to understand this particularly obscure reference...

So, after almost six gruelling months our  kitchen revamp is finished, cue  big celebration ......

Only it’s BlackLOG and if you are a regular reader you will not be surprised to learn that the Champagne has had to go back on ice......  

Yes you’ve guessed it, not everything has gone entirely to plan.  The kitchen cabinets and door are looking good, the spray company arrived on time, were polite and tidy, took the doors away and returned them as agreed, they even laughed at one of my jokes**...so what could possibly have gone wrong....?

** I asked them how they wanted their coffee – the reply very Strong

“That’s good” I said “I have one that goes all the way up to11” (This probably will soar over your head, like a ferret shot out of a Howitzer, unless you happen to be familiar with the Rockumentary film “This is Spinal Tap” )***

*** Please note that for artistic purposes I had to lie.   The coffee I used was the Nespresso Limited edition Kazaar, which is in fact rated a 12 not 11.    A bit of anomaly when the intensity scale for Nespresso coffee capsules only goes from 1 to 10.   I’m guessing this is Nespresso’s attempt to raise the bar even further than Spinal Tap..... 

In order to re-spray the cabinets they had to mask off the rest of the kitchen – the result was that the kitchen ended up looking like it was a scene straight out of Dexter (if you are not familiar with the program – shame on you, it’s absolutely brilliant****).  The spray company  did a meticulous job and everything was going really well until they went to dismantle the killing room covers...    

Excuse me while I take you back about 2 months – 

We had our kitchen walls painted..... 

Nothing went wrong......  

We should have guessed that this was odd 
and would come back to haunt us ....

I return you to the present, although by the time you read this it will, I’m afraid, be the past.  Despite my best endeavours I haven’t yet learned to project my writing into the future so that you can read it  in the here and now....if you are that worried try reading quicker...

As the killing room came down so did the wallpaper  paint but not in little flakes,  entire chunks – if they had done it carefully I’m convinced they could have got the whole lot off in one piece – 9 out of 10 snakes said they would be proud too shed their skin like this – the 10th was too occupied watching a ferret shooting across the sky, too pass comment***** .......  For some reason the paint has not adhered properly to the wall -I guess it was too busy sticking to itself....

***** Please note no ferrets were hurt during the production of this blog.....

Well not until it splattered into the ground that is (ferrets are not renowned for having good landing gear).

The same for snakes...

eeerr,  except the one that was so mesmerised by watching a flying ferret that it failed to slither out of the way.....

They have decide to combine their talents and can currently be found on display in the Natural History Museum as the only Living examples of the legendary snarret (half snake, half ferret) and ferrake (Half ferret, half snake)....

McG does his best snarret  or is it a ferrake impression....

 Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!!  

The kitchen looks like it has some horrible infectious skin disease and we can’t get it fixed until our decorator and the paint manufacturer work out what has gone wrong and how to resolve it....Deep joy... 

**** Dexter is a serial killer who works by an honour code  – he only kills people who deserve to die – Wow!  How good would that be? 
  • Middle of the road drivers – permanently relegated to the hard shoulder 
  • People who drop litter – recycled 
  • People who don’t acknowledge you when you hold open a door – shown the door for the very last time.... 
  • People who are obsessed with themselves -  Get an entire service and party dedicated just to them . 
  • Smokers – incinerated 
  • X-factor fans  - voted off the planet (harsh but fair,  it would be a mercy killing) 
  • Anyone who has ever purchased anything from the shopping channel.....sorry just checking my credit card statement in case I have to top myself...No I'm good....
OK.  Rather disappointingly I just remembered Dexter only kills criminals, who literally get away with murder (damn it, it would have been good to at least get rid of those pesky middle of the road drivers).

The Cribs at the Troxy

The last time we saw the Cribs it was about 5 years ago at the V-festival – Their album “Men's Needs, Women's Needs, Whatever”  had just been released and they were great..... The lead up to this week’s gig was such a disaster it just pointed to being a brilliant evening–

First I booked tickets at the Troxy as it was just around the corner from Mrs B’s office so it would be easy for her to get there.  Only when we got to the day itself, Mrs B’s office had been instructed as a test of Olympics contingency planning, to work from home....OK.......we can work with that.

Second – On the way down the M11 the road signs came on to tell us there was a blockage on route and Sat Nav told us the time to get to the venue was increasing dramatically.  We worked round that too and took a different route, still managing to get  to the venue in good time....

As it happens I wish we hadn’t bothered as the Cribs :–
  • Were out of tune;
  • Were like caricatures of Northerners. All “Eee-up chuck” and “Luv a duck”.  It was as if George Formby had been renamed Jarman and been resurrected as triplets – I’m only thankful that none of them had a window to clean, a lamppost to lean on or, god save us, a ukulele....;
  • Only played for just over an hour – with no encore (Mrs B appeared very grateful);
  • last two albums (even the one with Johnny Marr, ex Smiths’ guitarist) were pants....Maybe I was wrong about the ukulele, it could not have made them sound any worse.
On our way home we passed the road that was still closed from earlier,  the traffic sitting impatiently going nowhere – I have a feeling Mrs B would have preferred to have spent the evening stuck in the queue as long as I didn’t play her any of the Cribs ....

On a more positive note we were fans of the Troxy (despite the name, which sounds like some 18th century disease).  


T-Rextacy (T-Rex tribute band) 
When I contacted the leader singer Danielz for a photo pass, I got his encouragement.....as long as the band’s manager was happy.

The tour manager was happy as long as the venue agreed


It was looking good for my second photo pass

....only the Venue (The Rhodes Centre, Bishop's Stortford.  Surely it is only a matter of time before it changes it's name to the Zimbabwe centre....)  didn't...ouch. 

Who would have thought that a small, provincial theatre would prove so uptight about photography, especially when they could not even provide a proper ticket.... ? 


Apparently they employ handwriting experts to sort out fake tickets 
I made up for my disappointment by watching  an OAP on security duty at the venue.  It was fascinating  seeing her tirelessly work the room (curlers, wrinkled stockings and I’m sure there was the profile of a rolling pin under her jacket) reprimanding anyone who even glanced at their phones, let alone got out a camera ...I’m rather glad I didn’t try and sneak in The Beast – she would have gone mental and probably put me on the naughty step for the rest of the evening....

The show started with a couple of slow, more obscure T-Rex numbers (well, they were to me anyway), I glanced across at Mrs B and our friends Mark and Lisa who I had persuaded to join us – they all had that same glazed expression of “What the hell have you brought us to...?” Fortunately after this, T-Rextacy  moved up the gears and started to bring out all the T-Rex classics.

20th Century Boy
Telegram Sam
Children of the revolution
Solid Gold Easy action
Metal Guru
I Love to Boogie
London Boys
Jeepster
Ride a White Swan
Hot Love
Get it on

The leader singer Danielz not only looks like the late great Marc Bolen at the height of his powers (Since I have no photo’s you will have to take my word for it)  but does an excellent job with the voice and guitar playing (T-Rextasy have been playing together for 20 years – as with most successful tribute bands much longer than the original, who in this case only managed 10, before Marc Bolan wrapped up his career around the base of a South London tree).

I was a bit worried that the band might lose (to the grim reaper) some of the older members of the Bishop Stortford posse audience, who were strutting their stuff  like a bus load of penguins who had crashed into a 1970’s fancy dress shop (So quite up-to-date by Bishop’s Stortford standards)  but they all seemed to survive their over-exertions.  I just hope that Danielz avoided the grim reaper as well and turned down that lift home in a Mini.....

Watch of the Week 

The regular section in support of Joe (Stunt Cock) and his growing watch business Xupes. Joe mentioned that they had been getting a number of hits via the BlackLOG. Xupes has been trading for over 2 years and Joe has recently developed some great contacts in the trade which enables him to pick up surplus stock and sell them at great prices. Mrs B is a regular purchaser from his jewellery section, going self-service once she finally realised that her husband is not the jewellery buying type…

Hublot Big Bang 18k Rose Gold Titanium 

Ceramic Carbon Fibre Chronograph  


Hublot Big Bang 18k Rose Gold Titanium Ceramic Carbon Fibre Chronograph
Excellent condition Hublot Big Bang 18k Rose Gold Titanium Ceramic Carbon Fibre Chronograph watch. Black Rubber strap, with 18k Rose Gold Deployment Buckle. The dial is black. Box, Manual and Guarantee card dated January 2012.

Record of the week

19th nervous breakdown by The Rolling Stones - Every time we have any work done around the house remind me to book up a session with a psychiatrist to help Mrs. B and I get over the inevitable trauma…..

Ride A White Swan by T.Rex

Metal Guru by T.REX

Bang a Gong (Get It On) by T.Rex

Ride A White Swan by T-Rextasy - I managed to track down some footage of Danielz and his band – you can tell it is not at the Rhodes Centre as people are holding up their phones without being clubbed to death, like Chinese dissidents at a Tiananmen square reunion party ..... If I happen to disappear in the next few days you will know that the OAP enforcer that the Rhodes Centre employs has tracked me down and done for me with her rolling pin....

Photo finish

This weeks is split between shots of work being done on our kitchen - taken with The Beast and shots of the Cribs at the Troxy - taken with The Mega Mini Beast....neither proved successful events for us....


With Christmas only 7 months away
we decided to make a start on
the wrapping....
Environmental health officers seal off
our kitchen as an outbreak of  the
deadly 18th Century virus "The Troxy"
wipes out most of our paint particles....
The new snakeskin paint range
suffering a few unexpected
technical issues....
I guess that will teach us to rent paint
by the hour rather than just buying it....

The Cribs at the Troxy  

The Cribs attempt to play the Blues...
"I'm leaning on the lamp-post at
the corner of the street.... "
"When I'm cleaning Windows"
Ryan Jarman is forced to play in B&W 
with his back to the  audience, after 
accidently singing a note in tune.... 


 Hope to catch you next time.....

22 comments:

  1. Lovely to see you this morning! I’ll be reading the blog a lot more now that I’m unemployed, promise!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Edian said...
    Lovely to see you this morning! I’ll be reading the blog a lot more now that I’m unemployed, promise!!

    I’m not sure I want unemployed readers...it’s not the high end market that my low end product is being aimed at...

    oh well beggars can’t be choosers.....

    Thank you for the Coffee

    Hope to catch you on the 2nd otherwise it will be in Rio – so start looking for a house.....

    Have a good time tonight and enjoy your weekend

    P.S. Commenting is easy

    Go to the bottom of a post and click on “Right to reply”
    Make a witty or/and insightful comment in the box
    Choose Identity
    Name /Url (You don’t need to sue an url )
    Or Anonymous

    P.P.S – I have made the first comment on your behalf

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like it when my coffee goes up to 11. That's super hardcore :) This Is Spinal Tap is one of the funniest movies ever. My favorite song they did was "Big Bottom."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Were the kitchen walls prepared properly? i.e a good scrub down with sugar soap. Paint won't adhere to greasy walls.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  5. I started a remodeling job on my kitchen six years ago.
    One of these weekends, I plan to finish.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, good luck curing your kitchen from that awful skin disease!! You might want to get it a heavy duty ointment. I mean, you got to put food in there. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Renting by the hour never seems to work out. Good luck though - thanks for the post
    Take a stop by my blog and check it out if you get a chance.
    -Sg7
    http://stuffguy7.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hope your kitchen recovers quickly! I look forward to the final pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ha, nearly piddled my pants laughing at the state of your kitchen! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS? Looked like a mega professional spray job, bet they nearly had heart attacks when all your wall colour peeled off! You should give up and live in a mobile home, which you could trade in annually to upgrade, and then you would never have to decorate/remodel again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the Tsaritsa said...
    I like it when my coffee goes up to 11. That's super hardcore :)
    Imagine the orgasm you will get out of a 12....
    This Is Spinal Tap is one of the funniest movies ever. My favorite song they did was "Big Bottom."
    It tickles me pink that Mr Burns (out of the Simpsons) was in Spinal Tap....

    ReplyDelete
  11. Scarlet Blue said...
    Were the kitchen walls prepared properly?
    Well I did sit them down and tried to explain what was going to happen....

    i.e a good scrub down with sugar soap. Paint won't adhere to greasy walls.
    Sx

    I felt a gentle shower with lavender oil and some very expensive perfume was the order of the day....Perhaps I read the mood wrong and our Kitchen walls like it a bit rough

    ReplyDelete
  12. Al Penwasser said...
    I started a remodeling job on my kitchen six years ago.
    One of these weekends, I plan to finish.

    People just don’t realise the importance of preparation....six years sounds like you are only about halfway through....

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jaxsaid...
    Well, good luck curing your kitchen from that awful skin disease!! You might want to get it a heavy duty ointment. I mean, you got to put food in there. ;)
    I fear the heavy duty ointment is part of the problem, our food keeps sticking to the walls now.....

    ReplyDelete
  14. StuffGuy7said...
    Renting by the hour never seems to work out. Good luck though - thanks for the post
    Take a stop by my blog and check it out if you get a chance.
    -Sg7

    I like to rent my minuets by the hour but other than that it’s purchases all the way....

    ReplyDelete
  15. L-Kat said...
    I hope your kitchen recovers quickly! I look forward to the final pictures.
    I tried to make it go to Rehab, but it said no, no, no......

    ReplyDelete
  16. skipperthewonderhorse said...
    Ha, nearly piddled my pants laughing at the state of your kitchen! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS?
    I forgot to tick the box- Drama free life and no publicity.....

    Looked like a mega professional spray job, bet they nearly had heart attacks when all your wall colour peeled off!
    I just wished they had stopped peeling more of our paintpaper away to demonstrate the problem.....I got it after their first demo and felt they were possibly taking the piss once they started selling tickets to passersby ....

    You should give up and live in a mobile home, which you could trade in annually to upgrade, and then you would never have to decorate/remodel again.
    Sounds tempting but where would the next BlackLOG disasters come from...

    ReplyDelete
  17. why is it when you want the paint to stick it doesn't but have one tube of paint squirt every where and the bloody stuff will never come off?

    Never thought of respraying cabinets.
    Last kitchen we renovated, we just ripped the old ones out and dumped them

    ReplyDelete
  18. Seeing that my luck is much like yours, your blog has convinced me to never own my own house. I'll continue to live out of cars/hotels/planes/boats/apartments.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Mynx said...
    why is it when you want the paint to stick it doesn't but have one tube of paint squirt every where and the bloody stuff will never come off?
    That is what is known as the law of sod.....

    Never thought of respraying cabinets.
    Last kitchen we renovated, we just ripped the old ones out and dumped them

    We are in touch with our green side, although that said it probably would have worked out cheaper to rip them out and start again....

    ReplyDelete
  20. Brooke said...
    Seeing that my luck is much like yours, your blog has convinced me to never own my own house. I'll continue to live out of cars/hotels/planes/boats/apartments.
    Think of the endless blogging opportunities that it provides....If only I got paid for blogging we could afford more accidental repairs .....Besides it generally works out fine in the end give or take a few extra weeks, months years.....

    ReplyDelete
  21. Good luck with your kitchen - sounds like an ordeal. Something similar happened here with freshly plastered walls. The moisture in them kept the paint from adhering properly.... it blistered and bubbled and pealed... and was all around just a terrible mess.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lady in Red said...
    Good luck with your kitchen - sounds like an ordeal.
    Welcome to the BlackLOG where even the simplest of tasks inevitably ends in disaster.....

    Something similar happened here with freshly plastered walls. The moisture in them kept the paint from adhering properly.... it blistered and bubbled and pealed... and was all around just a terrible mess.
    The odd thing is that our conservatory, which is open into the kitchen, has just been plastered only recently and yet the same paint seems (fingers crossed) fine....Personally I don’t think the decorator prepared the walls properly, which is why he is currently keeping his head down....

    ReplyDelete

Your Social Comment


This is just your opinion so feel free to say what you like...